Demon Child

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Guess what time it is! It’s story time! YAY ! Oh no, what’s that? You don’t care? I don’t blame you *cries* And yes, that is me digging for gold.

I’m here to talk about demon children. Why? Cause I can. Because I dear internet, was in fact, a demon child. One of those kids that you would actually question how the parents never killed it. I was that fucking child! I was destructive, calculated, expensive and just flat out freaking annoying!

As a child, I would put my parents in debt. I had this curious and mischievous nature about me that liked to take shit apart. Not just any shit. Not my toys, not random shit lying around. Not this kid. I would take apart telephones, remote controls, stereo systems, gaming systems, and VCRs. Of course I could take it apart, that was easy part. The hard part was putting it back together again! I never could, so it would just end up being a pile of motherboards, wires, buttons, and other tiny pieces. My parents loved having to go shopping weekly to replace my bad hobby… NOT! Shit like that is expensive and adds up.

My parents till this day, tell me what a destructive kid I was. I think ultimately the best story I was ever told was the time I thought the VCR was hungry, so I decided to feed it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! HAHAAA! I freaking die even just writing about it! Apparently one day they went to put in a tape to watch a movie and it wouldn’t go. After trying to force it, they took the tape out to notice peanut butter all over the side of it, looked into the VCR, and saw the sandwich! Haha! When questioned, I replied with -” I thought it was hungry” … WoW Jenn. *sigh*

As I got older, I switched to my obsession with fire. I would play with matches, lighters, candles, our gas stove. If it had fire, it was hours of fun. I would set paper, clothes, toys, blinds, and myself on fire. One day, I got ahold of my fathers Zippo and ended up dropping it on the carpet in the upstairs hallway. While it was lit I might add. Umm, I think it’s safe to say we all know what happen. The carpet set on fire and I was grounded for 2 months… I forgot to mention slapped the shit out of as well. *tear* my ass met the wooden spoon that day multiple times. I guess I deserved it.

Slipknot

In my teenage years, looking back, I can confidently say I scared the shit out of my mom. I’m 100% sure she thought I was possessed and need exorcism. I went through a phase where I enjoyed listening to heavy mental rock, like Slipknot and Rammstein religiously. Not because there was a problem, but because I genuinely liked the music. I will never forget the day I asked her for the Slipknot CD for Christmas. She didn’t know who they were, so she agreed and bought it. The album she picked up was the Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses).. I remember her telling me, she literally thought ‘What the fuck’ to herself when she saw the cover work. That day when I received the CD, I shortly went to my room to play it. Within 4-5 minutes, she had made her way up to my room, slowly opened my door with scared wide eyes, walked over to the CD player, took the disk out, didn’t take the case, and as she walked out said- ” we are going to church right now, go get dressed” …. But MOM! – “No! There is clearly something seriously wrong with you! Lets go!”

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Hahahah! Oh mom! You kill me.

I literally had to start listening to shit like Celine Dion and Gwen Stefani just to make her happy, and most importantly, stop trying to drag me to church. What I would put myself through for them.. Jeez.

Not much later on in my teen years I started listening to beats. Don’t even get me started on how I hated Gino’s and Gina’s! So stupid! But I kinda liked the music, so sure. Why the fuck not. The only thing I never understood was ‘Glow-sticking’ how the hell was that considered dancing?!? But I’ll try anything once. I’m adventurous like that .

So! One day my mom was on her way to the dollar store, so I had asked her to pick me up ‘glows-sticks’ “Mom, I want the big ones! The ones with the string attached to them! Get me 2 please”.. She was the parent who always asked why. Not that I blame her, but still. Her response was – “why do you need those? You going to attack the cats with them?” ….. Ugh’ no mom! I just want them okay? See! The fact she had to ask that! Demon child!

So, she bought them. A few days later I was attempting to ‘glow-sticking’ in my room, while playing beats when she then decided to just walk in on me. I can still remember her face. It’s like it was yesterday. I knew she never understood me, and for good reason. I was such a strange fucking being that you couldn’t understand even if you tried.

What will she do next?

Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents for having to put up with me. Not because I was an extremely terrible kid or anything. Or because they were good parents. Cause they weren’t. But because I know I wouldn’t have the patients to handle me. I would of killed me! I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks mom and dad for not hanging me or putting me up for adoption. Although, I’m still convinced I was switched at birth and they aren’t my real parents. Blah!

I guess the point of this story is, that if any weird fucker out there one day decides to mate with me and procreate. Good fucking LUCK! Lets hope it carries more of your genes and not mine. And if by some chance you were worse then me. Then, lets not!

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Bikini Mayhem

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Okay, so. After the long and hard process of picking a bathing suit, I’ve come to a decision. I bought the pink and white one (don’t freak out) and the black one with the straps. (The non-hookerish one Paul). The funniest thing I have heard all day was Chewbaccaboobs ahem *Thanks to Navigator :)* But taking Heroponluigi’s advice, I went with the two I liked the most. I want to be different! Whether it’s bad or good! I only paid $23.00 CAD for them both. What a DEAL! *COUGH-Cheap-ass* BUT! But but BUTT! You can never have TOO many bathing suits so, I decided to also buy 2 classic bikinis. *In case they looks gawd awful* I went with black because it doesn’t make me look so much like a lard ass

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What are your thoughts on these two?

I paid $34.67 CAD for both of these! WHAT! DEAL DEAL!

This is the last post on bathing suits I swear. Is this considered soft core porn?

Ps. Still don’t look like those models in the bathing suits. *sob – eats chocolate covered almond*

Bathing Suit Crisis!

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When it comes to shopping and picking outfits for any occasion; I’m beyond hopeless! I might as well wear a giant garbage bag and call it a day. I am currently stuck in a jam picking out a bathing suit(s) for my vacation. I happen to be extremely turned on by the whole tassel look for some reason I can’t even explain. Maybe I secretly want to be a cowgirl….. Maybe not.

Now the bikinis I’ve been looking are for the most part, the same style. Just different colours. I’ve been trying to save money, not because I’m cheap, but frugal 🙂 so I have been searching on Amazon and EBay. Like a boss.

Now I have absolutely no taste when it comes to bathing suits. I’d try and pull off polka dots if I could. But I don’t because I know they make me look fat. Like 50 pounds more fat. Like Shamu size. Okay I’ll stop.

So I’ve chosen 3-4 different COLOURS of the same stupid bathing suit I’ve been drooling over. Thoughts?

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Which colours/style would you prefer? If you even like this sort of look. I find it interesting which, clearly makes me want it more!

P.s – I will not look anything like those bathing suit models. *cries*

Moar!

The Last Of US vs. World War Z

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All I’m going to say to start this off with is WTF!

I don’t care nor believe in the idea of “Zombies”. It is way too overrated if you ask me. AHEM, *The Walking Dead/Plants vs Zombies* You can kill and eat my brain for all I care. You aren’t going to get much of a meal out of that. But sure, go ahead. These two though, are on whole other level of fucked up shit. I can’t help but swear like a sailor when I talk about these too forms of entertainment. It’s simple. Science, scares me. There are real studies and facts on this shit folks! Fear for your lives!

I love The Last of Us, I really do. I played the freaking game 2 times. But. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you that it didn’t scare the shit out of me. I would Google this shit for days! IS IT REAL? IS IT REAL?! CAN THIS HAPPEN?! Cordyceps?! Like 30 different strains! Come on! It’s a real Fungal disease that attacks the brain! Sure, it’s only been found in insects, mainly ants. SO!? All this makes me want to do is step on ants to prevent infection from spreading! Which means now, I’m a paranoid murderer! *cries* How many times did I get so caught up in the game that my brain would trick me into thinking I heard fucking Clickers in my own house at night! I had nightmares daily for a week!

To be honest, I didn’t know that there was a movie called World War Z until last week on Saturday. Now before you are all like “uhh, do you live under a rock?” Actually, yes, yes I do. Anyway’s, my Uncle popped in the Blue-ray he had just picked up and made us all watch it. I personally liked the movie, even though everyone else I talk to thinks it’s a hot steaming pile of cow shit. It’s not your typical Zombie movie which makes it interesting. 12 seconds to convert? Only infecting a “healthy” living host. It takes a very creepy spin from regular stupid zombies. Makes you believe that a pandemic outburst like this could happen. Fuck You! It got my attention. So much so that I decided to watch it twice too! Lets not forget talking about it with almost anyone I encounter and royally pissing them off. HAPPY FACE 😀

Making scenarios and comments like – I now fear taking the subway because what IF! or IF something like this were to EVER happen, you got guns right? I can hide out at your place correct?

The real problem here is….I’m not ready for a apocalyptic takeover of ANYTHING! Not even Bunnies! *cries* Errr…

BRAINS!

Reality Check

Listen bitch, your going to the Dominicans in October so stop inhaling Philly’s chocolate cream-cheese spread like it’s air! Your lazy ass still works in that place you wish would spontaneously combust. Fix it! You most likely just gained 4.5 pounds in the last hour because you decided to scarfed down that remaining half of cherry pie, fucking lard ass. So don’t even consider trying to fit in that 2 piece bathing-suit you ordered online from Victoria Secret. Victoria’s got a secret, let me tell you, your prosciutto legs aren’t fitting in that bikini bottom -.- , AND! Nobody reads what you write cause they don’t give a fuck! *cries* The truth is, you are most likely going to eat some chocolate covered almonds like the true hossalofalous you are, go look at yourself in the mirror, get depressed, and then take a shower while you cry,aggressively brushing through your tangled rats nest you call hair and spraying conditioner everywhere in the shower. Like fucking Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. This is what you usually do. You tend to believe showering will wash away all your problems. Well guess what! It WON’T !

This is me giving me a dose of reality since I’ve been living in LALA Land lately. I don’t even know where I sleep any more. My room looks like a pig STY! Bed? What bed? I can’t even call ‘it’ a bed! I’m not a messy person at all! This is how I know something’s wrong! Come on Jenn! Get your act together! You are starting to look and smell like a cave woman! Speaking of smell…..what the fuck is that? Oh, It’s my dog. I haven’t gotten around to bathing that hairy mutt all summer. I’ve basically relied on the rain to do that for me which, surprisingly made it worse?

I’m a barbarian! Hopeless. GAH

Midnight Boredom 2

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Yay! Whats this? Midnight boredom selfie part 2!! Fuck yah!

This is A picture from October last year when I went to Cuba! Missing that hot weather!

What’s the word big bird? There’s talk of possible vacation creeping up this October?! This makes me super duper happy! In the pants, WHAT!

2 AM already? Damn! Work in 6 hours! Rape me horizontally!

GaH!

Wrecking Ball

I never really liked Miley Cyrus. Come to think of it, I still don’t. Meh can’t please them all right? Although lately with her abnormal behaviour, I’ve grown to dislike her more. But this song, for some reason, I keep pressing repeat! Why Miley! Why have you made such a song that does this to me! I think I relate to this song way too much, which is fucking scary. I felt less bad about being related emotionally to this song until I decided to look up the video. Swinging naked and performing oral sex to a wrecking ball is NOT something I can associate with myself or this song at all. Oh Miley, You Wre-e-ecked me.