Early Midlife Crisis

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Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

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15 thoughts on “Early Midlife Crisis

  1. I’m right there in the same boat as you! Only difference is I have a Bachelor’s Degree but still feel unqualified for everything and have no idea what I want to do. I have a Bachelor in Sport Management. I don’t even know if I want to work in sports anymore! Life sucks sometimes. If you do go back to University, you won’t fail. It’s not as hard or intimidating as people make it seem. I knew a girl that had $50 in her bank account while in University. Sometimes it’s worth the risk. Good luck, there’s many of us who feel how you do right now.

  2. If you’re a retard, you’re an awfully good looking one.

    Interestingly, I was going to write about this in my next book. In a narcissistic society, the uni degree is what the old grade 12 used to be. the masters degree is what the basic bachelor’s degree used to be. It’s all BS. No one is better in terms of their character by having a collection of degrees. And the days of a university degree being a ticket to a high-paying, pensioned job are close to being over.

    Think twice before going into debt for an education. Not that it can’t pay off. It’s just that the technical/professional degrees/diplomas are the ones that will have value – accounting, engineering, Ph.D. in Exotic Dancing, etc. Don’t forget plumbing, electrical, poofy pillow consultant, vagina barber, tramp stamp theorist, etc. Some things are always in vogue.

    And when you get really anxious, watch a Cheech and Chong movie. I’m still surprised that they never won an Academy Award.

    I’ll go sit on the stairs for ten minutes. Time out for navigator 1965. Bad.

    • This made me smile, especially the Vagina barber. I died laughing. The part about the degree being a ticket to a high paying job is close to being over is true to some degree. It is still one of the most noticed prized possession to have on your wall. Which is why I fear of what the future will hold.

      • I was thinking of using the vb gag in my next book, but I suspect it will be to risqué for a general reading audience. I knew you’d appreciate it, though. Merry early XMAS.

        Life will bring what it will bring. The best laid plans of mice and men… Worrying about the future won’t alter it, but having a positive attitude will make that future more pleasant when it arrives.

        Surround yourself with people whom you love and who love you, even if they are only a few. Watch the Lion King and dig the whole circle of life thing. It’s for real. Read great books and learn. Appreciate the gift of life, and live it, however humbly. Cultivate virtue. Don’t waste your youth on being young. Keep your material wants minimal, and you’re far less likely to ever “go without.”

        Is there anything that you like that you might earn or help earn a living from? Florist, hair dresser, hit woman? Don’t knock honest labour, and having an essential trade/skill will allow you to always venture back out into the labour market. Be an entrepreneur, own your own small business.

        Marry a millionaire. (Are there any feminists watching me?)

      • I could never marry a millionaire. I’m too proud for that and need to feel like a hard working woman who can hold my own wait lol. Feminist nazis are watching you lol! The job I have is self employment. But it’s ruining my body. At this rate, I’ll need a new one to continue the rest of my life. That, or receive treatment on a daily basis, which is way too expensive. *sigh*

  3. Thanks Paul, your words of encouragement mean alot. Also, I am sorry to hear that you are facing a hard time as well. Not knowing anyone personally at the moment to compare too is alot harder. Especially when the people around you are achieving what they want and you are falling on your ass. Thank you again 🙂

      • Right. Here’s the plan. Paul walks into the recruiting station and tells the sergeant that he’s gay. Paul, that is. Not the sergeant. Might get ugly otherwise. Paul’s guaranteed to get a great career offer due to affirmative action quotas. Plus he’s got a degree, so he can be an officer. Doesn’t make you better, but the pension’s higher.

        Only Paul’s going to be a celibate gay. Personal reasons. Saving himself, protecting his virtue. Whatever.

        After Paul gets through training, he sees the doc for help with his gender narcissism. Feels as if he’s a gay man trapped in a straight man’s body. Military has to pay for expensive therapy. Doesn’t want to get a human rights complaint. Paul becomes the man he always suspected he was. Can’t be kicked out for being straight.

        That would look bad.

        Jenna hires hit man to bump off bf (just KIDDING! Don’t actually do this }:-)> ). Supreme Court has kinda said this is okay, so long as it’s a woman doing the hiring. Jenna marries Paul and has financial security.

        Better not be a cash bar at the wedding. :,-(

      • Paul, I can’t help but understand everything you went through when you wrote that. Everyone around you has a purpose and you feel like you are at a complete stand still. My boyfriend for instance just finished his kin degree in university with double major in history. Now, he is applying for teachers college. Me? Nothing. I feel so inferior I’m comparison. Like everyone has something for them and nothing makes me happy. I feel like even if I go back, I don’t want to have to waste more time and do all that hard tedious work all over again. But then what? If I don’t bite the bullet, things aren’t going to fall in my lap. But the fear of this repeating itself after will always be at the forefront of my mind. I’m so lost 😦

      • Sometimes the people who continue with school do so because they’re too afraid to face the real world. I know some people who took a Master’s program just to extend their student life, not because they desired the degree. We’ll find our way somehow, hopefully.

  4. If I could I would marry an old lady with money. It’s what my dad did when he came to this country. Btw my mom is not the old wealthy lady he married lol he met my mom after.

  5. Did you say that you’re 23? That’s just starting out, by many standards–you’re not supposed to know what to do at that age, let alone be doing it. The trick is to use where you are now, and where you’ve been, to decide where you want to go–I don’t understand all of the jargon you use, regarding healthcare or education, as we have different abbreviations in the US, but let’s take a stab, shall we: working from the healthcare standpoint, what about moving up to nursing? Surely, some of the coursework you’ve done will transfer over to a nursing program–then, instead of trying to be a traditional student, take it the rest one course each semester. My mom had an RN from the 1960s and went back to school when I was 17 (in 1984) and went to school part time to complete her BSN–taking just one class a semester, it took her a LONG time, like 15 years, but she was working full time and raising a family by herself at the same time. Start out the same way, with just a course or two each semester, save a little money, and eventually you can score the loan you need to return to school and finish the last few semesters full time. From there, the options increase exponentially–with a bachelors you can move forward from there, maybe become a CNP, or a Nurse-Midwife, or a Physician’s Assistant. And that’s just in the health field–one path of many in that field, to be exact. Just remember my favorite Shakespeare quote:

    “Our doubts are traitors,
    and make us lose the good we oft might win,
    by fearing to attempt.”

    • Perfect quote. I’m using the term healthcare loosely because I don’t want to actually disclose what I do for professional reasons. Mainly because I swear like a sailor and say rude things lol don’t want to offend. I’ve thought of nursing but I don’t have the stomach for it. I can’t deal with blood, not even the sight of it. Death is one of the main reasons why I never went into nursing or paramedics. Can’t grapple with mentally. If I do go back to school it would have to be for something I am truly passionate about. The arts, dance or music. Debt is a scary topic and to think that, after 4-5 years in school I’d graduate at the age of 27-28 and be in debt till 40! If not longer! Thank you for the helpful comment 🙂

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