I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly 🙂

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food 😉

 

Ps. Jenna is back

If I Could Go Back

Good afternoon all!

It has been awhile since I posted anything but, I’ve been super busy sorting things out and trying to take care of myself! I have been practicing guitar still! Cover video soon I promise!

To be honest with you, this is not why I am here. I am here to reflect and share a large personal part of my past with you. Why? Not that it matters or anything. I’m not looking to get anything out of this post. It’s just something I feel I would like to share and write about.

Let me start by explaining the reason I have been inspired to write about this. Changes, regrets, the bigger question, “why?”

As you know, I have complained about my job in previous posts about how it has taken it’s toll physically on me. So, lately I have been opening my mind to other career options. As I was doing my research on the requirements to registering, my High School diploma happened to be one of them. My High School diploma? I’m pretty sure that was thrown out YEARS ago. Like, the day I received it years ago. Of course, me not remembering what I had done with it turned into a giant search party. I swear I found every SINGLE  report card from Grade 9-12, but no Diploma. Thanks mom! *thumbs up*

“GO CHECK YOUR YEAR BOOKS, MAYBE IT’S IN ONE OF THEM”- mom

….*sigh*….I dread opening those God-awful books. I’ve contemplated using them as fuel for the BBQ more then once but, that would mean I would have to dig them out first.

Now, unfortunately, I HATED High School. I can honestly say that those were four years of my life I wish I could completely forget. But then again, four years that I also wish I had the chance to go back and do everything differently. Four most important years of my life that have shaped me to be the person I am today, also are the years that I have wasted and, will never be able to relive them again. I can only really say that Grade 10-12 were the worst. Grade 9 was amazing, I wasn’t stupid yet. I made great friends, wasn’t  one of the most “popular” girls (popular being extremely slutty, looking a certain way: (extreme make-up,short kilt, big hair, fake tan) etc. But I was far from unpopular. Besides, that’s not what matters. I had a great first year till grade 10. After that it went downhill.

In the summer after grade 9, I fell in love with a boy. Same age, same goals. We got along perfectly. I fell madly in love. I thought we were going to be together for ever. Be High School sweethearts, get married, have children, live that perfect fantasy life. We dated for a year. Until he cheated on me. That’s when my world fell apart. Oh Jenna, it’s not all that bad! It happens to everyone at one point or another….*sigh*

I was 15 years old, Grade 10. Here I was, starting a new grade, with great new friends, a boyfriend! Life was perfect….HA. Yah right.

I am Italian, my father, an old school Italian from Sicily. Boyfriend, not of the same ethnicity and race. Basically in a nut shell. I was shunned at home because of this. To make matters worse, I was mentally and physically abused at home because of it. My situation at home became so bad that at times I would run away from home and stay at friends houses for the night, sometimes days. Or sleep in my mothers car because I was too afraid to go in the house. It didn’t matter though, I was in love and was willing to lose my whole family for him. Till the day I found out he cheated on me. I will never forget that day. We got into a really bad fight afterwards and he decided to purposely spread lies  about me. These rumours ruined my life. I lost friends, respect from teachers and others who weren’t even my friends, more acquaintances. Students would say hurtful things, teachers would give me dirty looks….And for what? Lies? Rumours? Thing’s that were made up to ruin my life by someone I loved and have given up friends and family for.

I became depressed.  I skipped class alot and sometimes full days. I also started to get poor grades. To make matters worse, I had no family to go to. I would come home from a horrible day of mean High School students to then face my parents lashing out at me, hitting me, calling me horrible names. Hearing them enjoy my suffering was even worse. I hated my life, and this continued all throughout grade 10-11. I gained weight from stress and depression. I was 165 pounds. I looked HORRIBLE. I probably would have started taking drugs if it wasn’t for instrumental music. When things got tough for me at school, I would go to the music room during lunch break and lock myself up in a practice room, cry, and play my flute. It was the only thing that kept me sane.

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At last came Grade 12.  I just wanted it to all be over. Grade 12 became my eye-opening breakthrough. I realized that it was now or never to pull my grades out of the gutter and get my life back on track. I was applying for College that year and was excited to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education). I had co-op that year so I spent alot of the time out of the school and in placement in my elementary school. The rumours died down as they usually do in High School. Old news dies fast. Plus, the ex-boyfriend from hell had dropped out before grade 12 started, so the drama was gone.

I missed my Prom and Graduation since I was head waitress already at the banquet hall I worked at. Both parties ironically were held in my hall, go figure.

Most importantly, my grades were in the high 80’s and 90’s and I had learned alot about myself that year. Looking back, I missed out on alot because I made poor choices. Looking through the year books, I was never really in any extra curricular activities, committees, sports teams. Wasted. Which is why I say, if I could go back and do it all over again, I would do things differently.

Although I can’t look back and say I had the greatest four years of my life and share experiences and stories. I can say that my mistakes and life decisions lead me to be the person that I am today. Strong willed, ambitious, passionate, career oriented, hard working, and defiantly NOT someone’s BITCH. You know I had too 😛

Here are some pictures of my High school photos from grade 9-12. I use them now as motivation to never go backwards. It’s only forwards from now. As the years go by you can tell that my appearances changed. Whether it be hair colour that got progressively got darker like my life did, or gained more weight from the stress and depression. Not to mention my general look. You can tell I was miserable, it showed.

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Grade 9 Photo

grade 10

Grade 10 Photo

grade 11

Grade 11 Photo *shivers*

grade 12

Grade 12 Graduation Photo (God I was huge..Look at that HEAD)

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Me today in the year 2014

This is me today. Although life still is not where I want it to be and I am always suffering in pain from my job. I am happy. I love my job, I love helping people, I love the changes I’ve made in 2013 for myself that I will only continue to make.

I know who I am, I know what I want (most of the time) and I know I am capable of ANYTHING I put my mind too.

– Jenna

Ps. I never did find my High School diploma, so I’m taken extreme measures of going back to my guidance office to claim it. Wish me luck.

Perfect Girl

Look, we all need to take the time to remind ourselves of our worth sometimes. Once in a while it’s good to take a step back and just fucking inflate your ego a bit. So screw what you think, this is me time. Why not do this on a piece of paper in your bedroom or in your diary like a good little girl. No! Lick my nuts! I’m doing it here on the net so everyone can see how freaking special I am…NOT

Let me start off by saying, there is no such thing as perfect. EVER. NO ONE IS PERFECT. You are only perfect in your own way.

If you are reading this, it is possible you are thinking of one or more of the following things;

a) She is clearly pissed off about something.

b) What, your boyfriend is being a dick again?

c) Oh, it’s “I hate my life” time and your posting this to make yourself feel better

d) She’s clearly not getting any and is sexually frustrated.

e) Typical; fucking female post

f) Why are there so many fucking options!?! FUCK

You know what! I actually think I am a perfect catch, so you can kiss my ass! Here is why.

Reason number 1

I am hard working. Yes, very hard working. I put my blood, sweat, and spit into EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that I do. (Sometimes tears….always tears..shut up)

Reason number 2

I am domesticated! I cook, clean, know how to scrub a toilet, (that’s a life skill by the way). I do all that housewife shit without being a stupid housewife. Also handy with tools and other shit that males use. Try finding that in 50% of women these days. That’s right! You can’t! Oh NO! I broke a nail..Shove it princess.

Reason number 3

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I’m not repulsed by your abused bodily functions. You farting or burping will not send me running away with arms flailing. Although I may not pass gas around you (too lady like for that) I defiantly might make you look like a little bitch in a belching contest. To some, that’s disgusting, others; that’s hot.

Reason number 4

I am dedicated and passionate about what I’m in/who I’m with/what I’m doing. That doesn’t really need explaining. You get the point. Too much to type anyway’s 😛

Reason number 5

I am NOT your “typical” girl. Here is why

-Usually considered one of the guys for the most part.

-I am not materialistic AT all. I HATE jewellery. Unless it’s seashells on string or some nature shit. You can keep that $59875874324.45 dollar purse made from alligator dick, I’m good thanks. No, I’m not a hippy.

– I would rather eat in a hole in the wall dive compared to a fancy restaurant

– I probably talk less then you. I actually don’t talk THAT much. Surprise Surprise 😉 But I can hold a conversation that’s meaningful and loaded. No drama. Never Drama. Oh My GAWD! Guess what SUSY said TODAY!!!…Die

– Chick flick or explosions? EXPLOSIONS !

– Barbies? Nahhh, hot-wheels!

– Wtf is reality Tv? Soaps still exist?

– I HATE dressing up. I like my sweats and jeans, runners and boots. What the fuck is a dress? An expensive piece of material that you can’t do anything in but look pretty and wave. God forbid you sit the wrong way and your vagina shows. How am I supposed to scream “Race ya!” In 9 inch heals that could possibly strike oil?! Although, on special occasions, I do clean up very well and know how to dress like a lady, not a slut. Sorry if I offended any one. Actually, no I’m not.

– I hate shopping. Can’t stand malls. When I do shop, its like a game show. How fast can you get in and get the FUCK out!

– I play/watch sports. You dig?

– ^ No I’m not a ghetto fabulous retard.

– I hate mushy nicknames, relationship babble, all that horse shit nonsense. VOMIT. I love you is fine. Cut the crap. I’m not your hunny bunches of oats, or your snookums, your princess fucking peach, whatever other shit is out there. I’m fine with penis wrinkle or dickweed, or fuck tart. I think it’s cute. Don’t judge me

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Reason number 6

I don’t wear make-up. Ever. Seriously. EVER. Even if I have the largest, juiciest, most obnoxious ZIT on my face. There will be no make-up used to cover it. It will look you in the face until it explodes or finally goes away. Deal with it. My face is my face. It is all natural. Whether you like it or you don’t, I could give 2 shits. Would you fancy some cake?

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Reason number 7

I take care of myself. Lets face it, you already know I have issues with my weight. I’m CONSTANTLY calling myself fat, larger then life, house sized, I am the real Moby-Dick. I’ve said it all. But the truth is, I watch what I eat and exercise daily. I am not and will never be a lard ass who sits on my ass and absorbs the couch watching soaps. Even the day I have kids, I know that I will be one of those freaks that NEED to get their body back. See? Winner 🙂

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Reason number 8

I play fucking video games! Yes, I am a gamer. I’ve owned almost every gaming console ever made. (expect for X-box BARF) and no, I don’t play Barbies animal rescue or Mary- Kate and Ashley’s’s golf ..*Scoff*

Reason number 9

I am and will be your number one fan/ believer! No matter what crazy idea or dreams you have, if I see how bad you want something and are willing to work towards it, I will stand behind you 110%, even if the odds are zero and unrealistic.

Reason number 10

I am independent. Seriously, what is worse then having a girlfriend or partner that needs to be attached to you at the hip 24/7? Example, I can do my own thing while you do yours. Even if we are in the same room together, we don’t have to BE together. Just you being there is enough. No need for suffocation.

Reason number 11

Family oriented. Lets face it shall we. There are way too many horror stories of the controlling wife/in-laws. For the most part, females like to start their own family and like to call the shots. I’ve seen this WAY too much. It sickens me. Families being torn apart and for what? I like being integrated and have no problems with family men and a “mamas boy”. Yes, I am the girl you want to bring home to your parents, trust me.

Reason number 12

I can count how many sex partners I have on one hand! Can you? Sex is not a joke. Just because your dating them, doesn’t mean you have to spread them.

Last but not least,

Reason number 13

Marriage to me is NOT a joke. I would not make that jump unless 100% ready. Divorce rates are WAY too high for my liking and no, I will not take you for half. That’s the perk about me. Equality and fairness. You bring half, you take your half. We buy a car, shit hits the fan, we sell the car and split the amount. FAIR. “I would like to plead emotional abuse” -Here , you get EVERYTHING. We get away with way too much because we have a baby making box bundle. This, sickens me.

There is way too much honestly to list, but these are the first things that come to mind when I think of the positives of why dating me isn’t compared to hell.Maybe I’m being full of myself, who the hell knows. Maybe everything I listed is a big fat “HELL NO” to some men or women out there. Who knows and who the cares! Kiss my semi-fat derrière.

Okay I’m done. I feel better about myself now.

This is a pretty annoying pompous post though I must say. Especially for my first 2014 post. Ah well. SUCK IT

With love;

Jenna

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Say Something

Say Something

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Alex & Sierra – Say Something Lyrics | MetroLyrics

So for Christmas, I got an acoustic guitar from my Uncle! Which has been a really inspiring gift. I have been practicing daily for at least two hours. My fingers are sore and cracked but it’s paying off. Right now, it is a MUST for me to learn,play, and sing this song. Sadly, this has been the way I have been feeling lately. This song has been my reality.

Anyway’s, when I’ve got it mastered, I will upload my cover version of it 🙂 ENJOY!

 

Early Midlife Crisis

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Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

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Demon Child

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Guess what time it is! It’s story time! YAY ! Oh no, what’s that? You don’t care? I don’t blame you *cries* And yes, that is me digging for gold.

I’m here to talk about demon children. Why? Cause I can. Because I dear internet, was in fact, a demon child. One of those kids that you would actually question how the parents never killed it. I was that fucking child! I was destructive, calculated, expensive and just flat out freaking annoying!

As a child, I would put my parents in debt. I had this curious and mischievous nature about me that liked to take shit apart. Not just any shit. Not my toys, not random shit lying around. Not this kid. I would take apart telephones, remote controls, stereo systems, gaming systems, and VCRs. Of course I could take it apart, that was easy part. The hard part was putting it back together again! I never could, so it would just end up being a pile of motherboards, wires, buttons, and other tiny pieces. My parents loved having to go shopping weekly to replace my bad hobby… NOT! Shit like that is expensive and adds up.

My parents till this day, tell me what a destructive kid I was. I think ultimately the best story I was ever told was the time I thought the VCR was hungry, so I decided to feed it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! HAHAAA! I freaking die even just writing about it! Apparently one day they went to put in a tape to watch a movie and it wouldn’t go. After trying to force it, they took the tape out to notice peanut butter all over the side of it, looked into the VCR, and saw the sandwich! Haha! When questioned, I replied with -” I thought it was hungry” … WoW Jenn. *sigh*

As I got older, I switched to my obsession with fire. I would play with matches, lighters, candles, our gas stove. If it had fire, it was hours of fun. I would set paper, clothes, toys, blinds, and myself on fire. One day, I got ahold of my fathers Zippo and ended up dropping it on the carpet in the upstairs hallway. While it was lit I might add. Umm, I think it’s safe to say we all know what happen. The carpet set on fire and I was grounded for 2 months… I forgot to mention slapped the shit out of as well. *tear* my ass met the wooden spoon that day multiple times. I guess I deserved it.

Slipknot

In my teenage years, looking back, I can confidently say I scared the shit out of my mom. I’m 100% sure she thought I was possessed and need exorcism. I went through a phase where I enjoyed listening to heavy mental rock, like Slipknot and Rammstein religiously. Not because there was a problem, but because I genuinely liked the music. I will never forget the day I asked her for the Slipknot CD for Christmas. She didn’t know who they were, so she agreed and bought it. The album she picked up was the Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses).. I remember her telling me, she literally thought ‘What the fuck’ to herself when she saw the cover work. That day when I received the CD, I shortly went to my room to play it. Within 4-5 minutes, she had made her way up to my room, slowly opened my door with scared wide eyes, walked over to the CD player, took the disk out, didn’t take the case, and as she walked out said- ” we are going to church right now, go get dressed” …. But MOM! – “No! There is clearly something seriously wrong with you! Lets go!”

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Hahahah! Oh mom! You kill me.

I literally had to start listening to shit like Celine Dion and Gwen Stefani just to make her happy, and most importantly, stop trying to drag me to church. What I would put myself through for them.. Jeez.

Not much later on in my teen years I started listening to beats. Don’t even get me started on how I hated Gino’s and Gina’s! So stupid! But I kinda liked the music, so sure. Why the fuck not. The only thing I never understood was ‘Glow-sticking’ how the hell was that considered dancing?!? But I’ll try anything once. I’m adventurous like that .

So! One day my mom was on her way to the dollar store, so I had asked her to pick me up ‘glows-sticks’ “Mom, I want the big ones! The ones with the string attached to them! Get me 2 please”.. She was the parent who always asked why. Not that I blame her, but still. Her response was – “why do you need those? You going to attack the cats with them?” ….. Ugh’ no mom! I just want them okay? See! The fact she had to ask that! Demon child!

So, she bought them. A few days later I was attempting to ‘glow-sticking’ in my room, while playing beats when she then decided to just walk in on me. I can still remember her face. It’s like it was yesterday. I knew she never understood me, and for good reason. I was such a strange fucking being that you couldn’t understand even if you tried.

What will she do next?

Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents for having to put up with me. Not because I was an extremely terrible kid or anything. Or because they were good parents. Cause they weren’t. But because I know I wouldn’t have the patients to handle me. I would of killed me! I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks mom and dad for not hanging me or putting me up for adoption. Although, I’m still convinced I was switched at birth and they aren’t my real parents. Blah!

I guess the point of this story is, that if any weird fucker out there one day decides to mate with me and procreate. Good fucking LUCK! Lets hope it carries more of your genes and not mine. And if by some chance you were worse then me. Then, lets not!

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