Demon Child

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Guess what time it is! It’s story time! YAY ! Oh no, what’s that? You don’t care? I don’t blame you *cries* And yes, that is me digging for gold.

I’m here to talk about demon children. Why? Cause I can. Because I dear internet, was in fact, a demon child. One of those kids that you would actually question how the parents never killed it. I was that fucking child! I was destructive, calculated, expensive and just flat out freaking annoying!

As a child, I would put my parents in debt. I had this curious and mischievous nature about me that liked to take shit apart. Not just any shit. Not my toys, not random shit lying around. Not this kid. I would take apart telephones, remote controls, stereo systems, gaming systems, and VCRs. Of course I could take it apart, that was easy part. The hard part was putting it back together again! I never could, so it would just end up being a pile of motherboards, wires, buttons, and other tiny pieces. My parents loved having to go shopping weekly to replace my bad hobby… NOT! Shit like that is expensive and adds up.

My parents till this day, tell me what a destructive kid I was. I think ultimately the best story I was ever told was the time I thought the VCR was hungry, so I decided to feed it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! HAHAAA! I freaking die even just writing about it! Apparently one day they went to put in a tape to watch a movie and it wouldn’t go. After trying to force it, they took the tape out to notice peanut butter all over the side of it, looked into the VCR, and saw the sandwich! Haha! When questioned, I replied with -” I thought it was hungry” … WoW Jenn. *sigh*

As I got older, I switched to my obsession with fire. I would play with matches, lighters, candles, our gas stove. If it had fire, it was hours of fun. I would set paper, clothes, toys, blinds, and myself on fire. One day, I got ahold of my fathers Zippo and ended up dropping it on the carpet in the upstairs hallway. While it was lit I might add. Umm, I think it’s safe to say we all know what happen. The carpet set on fire and I was grounded for 2 months… I forgot to mention slapped the shit out of as well. *tear* my ass met the wooden spoon that day multiple times. I guess I deserved it.

Slipknot

In my teenage years, looking back, I can confidently say I scared the shit out of my mom. I’m 100% sure she thought I was possessed and need exorcism. I went through a phase where I enjoyed listening to heavy mental rock, like Slipknot and Rammstein religiously. Not because there was a problem, but because I genuinely liked the music. I will never forget the day I asked her for the Slipknot CD for Christmas. She didn’t know who they were, so she agreed and bought it. The album she picked up was the Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses).. I remember her telling me, she literally thought ‘What the fuck’ to herself when she saw the cover work. That day when I received the CD, I shortly went to my room to play it. Within 4-5 minutes, she had made her way up to my room, slowly opened my door with scared wide eyes, walked over to the CD player, took the disk out, didn’t take the case, and as she walked out said- ” we are going to church right now, go get dressed” …. But MOM! – “No! There is clearly something seriously wrong with you! Lets go!”

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Hahahah! Oh mom! You kill me.

I literally had to start listening to shit like Celine Dion and Gwen Stefani just to make her happy, and most importantly, stop trying to drag me to church. What I would put myself through for them.. Jeez.

Not much later on in my teen years I started listening to beats. Don’t even get me started on how I hated Gino’s and Gina’s! So stupid! But I kinda liked the music, so sure. Why the fuck not. The only thing I never understood was ‘Glow-sticking’ how the hell was that considered dancing?!? But I’ll try anything once. I’m adventurous like that .

So! One day my mom was on her way to the dollar store, so I had asked her to pick me up ‘glows-sticks’ “Mom, I want the big ones! The ones with the string attached to them! Get me 2 please”.. She was the parent who always asked why. Not that I blame her, but still. Her response was – “why do you need those? You going to attack the cats with them?” ….. Ugh’ no mom! I just want them okay? See! The fact she had to ask that! Demon child!

So, she bought them. A few days later I was attempting to ‘glow-sticking’ in my room, while playing beats when she then decided to just walk in on me. I can still remember her face. It’s like it was yesterday. I knew she never understood me, and for good reason. I was such a strange fucking being that you couldn’t understand even if you tried.

What will she do next?

Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents for having to put up with me. Not because I was an extremely terrible kid or anything. Or because they were good parents. Cause they weren’t. But because I know I wouldn’t have the patients to handle me. I would of killed me! I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks mom and dad for not hanging me or putting me up for adoption. Although, I’m still convinced I was switched at birth and they aren’t my real parents. Blah!

I guess the point of this story is, that if any weird fucker out there one day decides to mate with me and procreate. Good fucking LUCK! Lets hope it carries more of your genes and not mine. And if by some chance you were worse then me. Then, lets not!

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Reality Check

Listen bitch, your going to the Dominicans in October so stop inhaling Philly’s chocolate cream-cheese spread like it’s air! Your lazy ass still works in that place you wish would spontaneously combust. Fix it! You most likely just gained 4.5 pounds in the last hour because you decided to scarfed down that remaining half of cherry pie, fucking lard ass. So don’t even consider trying to fit in that 2 piece bathing-suit you ordered online from Victoria Secret. Victoria’s got a secret, let me tell you, your prosciutto legs aren’t fitting in that bikini bottom -.- , AND! Nobody reads what you write cause they don’t give a fuck! *cries* The truth is, you are most likely going to eat some chocolate covered almonds like the true hossalofalous you are, go look at yourself in the mirror, get depressed, and then take a shower while you cry,aggressively brushing through your tangled rats nest you call hair and spraying conditioner everywhere in the shower. Like fucking Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. This is what you usually do. You tend to believe showering will wash away all your problems. Well guess what! It WON’T !

This is me giving me a dose of reality since I’ve been living in LALA Land lately. I don’t even know where I sleep any more. My room looks like a pig STY! Bed? What bed? I can’t even call ‘it’ a bed! I’m not a messy person at all! This is how I know something’s wrong! Come on Jenn! Get your act together! You are starting to look and smell like a cave woman! Speaking of smell…..what the fuck is that? Oh, It’s my dog. I haven’t gotten around to bathing that hairy mutt all summer. I’ve basically relied on the rain to do that for me which, surprisingly made it worse?

I’m a barbarian! Hopeless. GAH

Confessions Part 2

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So lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not know about stuff that I feel that I should know about. If you are asking yourself this question right now – “what the fuck is this bitch going on about now?” . I’m doing it right 🙂

But I’m being serious. I honestly feel like there is a lot of information and stuff out there that I am not knowledgeable about. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing so, I decided to do something about it. I went to my local library and took out 25 DVD’s on random ass shit!

Yup! 25 fucking DVD’s from the History, Discovery channel and National Geographic!  Why? Cause I’m fucking stupid that’s why! I signed out DVD’s based on all kinds of shit. All though I must say, when 89.9% of the stuff you grab is shit your already interested in like, oceans and sea life, it kind of defeats the purpose. It’s about the stuff you don’t give a shit about! That’s what you should be learning!

Now I’m going to be completely honest with you here, I am clinically retarded when it comes to topics or subjects in History, Geography, and Politics. Yes, I willingly just told you I’m stupid. If it’s not about Science, the Arts, Religion, and video games, I couldn’t hold a conversation even if my life depended on it. This to me is sad, which is why I decided to make myself more educated and aware. Maybe it was because I never took interest in these topics, I dunno. But it’s time for a change! I want to be SMART! …Er?

Now a better question is, why am I openly admitting my ignorance to a bunch of strangers? Why? Because I’m not ashamed to tell you I’m stupid! I have purposely chosen to be this way! But I have accepted the fact I am dumb and need to change that. It’s a tough world out there folks, being stupid is a weakness! .. *cries*

Oh, and I fell in a hole yesterday. No seriously, I stepped in an open vent in the floor and fell flat on my face. FAIL! Penis wrinkle.

Confessions Part 1

scared-shitless

Have you ever had a fear of something so much that it was crippling? Like, just the thought of it would send you into fits of crying, panic attacks, extreme heart palpitations, and a horrible case of the shits or vomiting? If your really unlucky sometimes both, AT THE SAME TIME! Well if you don’t have one, consider yourself lucky!

Mine happens to be public speaking. Now before your all like “HA HA PUSSY,” just shut up and let me try and explain. Throughout my whole life, annoying cry baby Jenna wasn’t able to muster up the BALLS to talk in front of large groups of people. Large groups being more then 3-4 people. Nah! I’m shitting with you, more then 1. NOW, this goes for people that were my age too like classmates and such. Older people- FORGET it! But it gets way worse. You see, I would weasel my way out of presentations all the time! And when I say weasel I mean like fucking crying, that ugly whaling that makes people want to put you out Old Yeller style. Snot spewing all over the place, puking chunks from dinner the night before. It was gruesome. Thinking about it actually gives me the chills. I was such a whinny little twat that the teachers just did it so they wouldn’t have to listen to me. Looking back on those days makes me wish I could visit the younger me and beat the shit out of her. Repulsive.

Usually it would result in me doing the presentation for the teacher only, before or after class. GAWD I hated that Jenn! That Jenn had no life skills at all! Sadly, this dragged on into College where the teachers became more strict, so I couldn’t get away with as much. Nothing the good ol’ doctors note here and there couldn’t fix.

Anywhore, the point of this shitty story is, yesterday I had to present myself to a bunch of parents in a meeting. All I had to do really was explain to them about myself, my job, the purpose or role of me being there, and how I would be an asset. Pretty simple right? Who can’t talk about themselves? Hell fucking, NO. Not this chicken shit.

I woke up a total disaster yesterday morning. Knotted stomach, the case of explosive kamehameha turds. (It’s a Dragon Ball Z reference for those who didn’t know). On top of that, I swear I woke up with a bladder infection because my stupid body decided to shut down over night! Yah! Good for nothing meat sack.

Well anyway’s, in the end, I did it. Pretty well I might add. *happy face* That’s pretty much it. I Chuck Norrised that shit fear in the FACE. BOOM.

Moral of the story is, if you were or are a giant pussy just like me, just shut up because one day, no one is going to give a shit about how nervous or stressed out you are. Or how many times you had to change your pants because you shat yourself. Your only choice is to do it, or go bury yourself in the backyard cause chances are, your not going to make it in life.

So grow some fucking Shark Balls! Those balls are the fiercest. You’ll thank me later.

High-Five!