Perfect Girl

Look, we all need to take the time to remind ourselves of our worth sometimes. Once in a while it’s good to take a step back and just fucking inflate your ego a bit. So screw what you think, this is me time. Why not do this on a piece of paper in your bedroom or in your diary like a good little girl. No! Lick my nuts! I’m doing it here on the net so everyone can see how freaking special I am…NOT

Let me start off by saying, there is no such thing as perfect. EVER. NO ONE IS PERFECT. You are only perfect in your own way.

If you are reading this, it is possible you are thinking of one or more of the following things;

a) She is clearly pissed off about something.

b) What, your boyfriend is being a dick again?

c) Oh, it’s “I hate my life” time and your posting this to make yourself feel better

d) She’s clearly not getting any and is sexually frustrated.

e) Typical; fucking female post

f) Why are there so many fucking options!?! FUCK

You know what! I actually think I am a perfect catch, so you can kiss my ass! Here is why.

Reason number 1

I am hard working. Yes, very hard working. I put my blood, sweat, and spit into EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that I do. (Sometimes tears….always tears..shut up)

Reason number 2

I am domesticated! I cook, clean, know how to scrub a toilet, (that’s a life skill by the way). I do all that housewife shit without being a stupid housewife. Also handy with tools and other shit that males use. Try finding that in 50% of women these days. That’s right! You can’t! Oh NO! I broke a nail..Shove it princess.

Reason number 3

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I’m not repulsed by your abused bodily functions. You farting or burping will not send me running away with arms flailing. Although I may not pass gas around you (too lady like for that) I defiantly might make you look like a little bitch in a belching contest. To some, that’s disgusting, others; that’s hot.

Reason number 4

I am dedicated and passionate about what I’m in/who I’m with/what I’m doing. That doesn’t really need explaining. You get the point. Too much to type anyway’s 😛

Reason number 5

I am NOT your “typical” girl. Here is why

-Usually considered one of the guys for the most part.

-I am not materialistic AT all. I HATE jewellery. Unless it’s seashells on string or some nature shit. You can keep that $59875874324.45 dollar purse made from alligator dick, I’m good thanks. No, I’m not a hippy.

– I would rather eat in a hole in the wall dive compared to a fancy restaurant

– I probably talk less then you. I actually don’t talk THAT much. Surprise Surprise 😉 But I can hold a conversation that’s meaningful and loaded. No drama. Never Drama. Oh My GAWD! Guess what SUSY said TODAY!!!…Die

– Chick flick or explosions? EXPLOSIONS !

– Barbies? Nahhh, hot-wheels!

– Wtf is reality Tv? Soaps still exist?

– I HATE dressing up. I like my sweats and jeans, runners and boots. What the fuck is a dress? An expensive piece of material that you can’t do anything in but look pretty and wave. God forbid you sit the wrong way and your vagina shows. How am I supposed to scream “Race ya!” In 9 inch heals that could possibly strike oil?! Although, on special occasions, I do clean up very well and know how to dress like a lady, not a slut. Sorry if I offended any one. Actually, no I’m not.

– I hate shopping. Can’t stand malls. When I do shop, its like a game show. How fast can you get in and get the FUCK out!

– I play/watch sports. You dig?

– ^ No I’m not a ghetto fabulous retard.

– I hate mushy nicknames, relationship babble, all that horse shit nonsense. VOMIT. I love you is fine. Cut the crap. I’m not your hunny bunches of oats, or your snookums, your princess fucking peach, whatever other shit is out there. I’m fine with penis wrinkle or dickweed, or fuck tart. I think it’s cute. Don’t judge me

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Reason number 6

I don’t wear make-up. Ever. Seriously. EVER. Even if I have the largest, juiciest, most obnoxious ZIT on my face. There will be no make-up used to cover it. It will look you in the face until it explodes or finally goes away. Deal with it. My face is my face. It is all natural. Whether you like it or you don’t, I could give 2 shits. Would you fancy some cake?

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Reason number 7

I take care of myself. Lets face it, you already know I have issues with my weight. I’m CONSTANTLY calling myself fat, larger then life, house sized, I am the real Moby-Dick. I’ve said it all. But the truth is, I watch what I eat and exercise daily. I am not and will never be a lard ass who sits on my ass and absorbs the couch watching soaps. Even the day I have kids, I know that I will be one of those freaks that NEED to get their body back. See? Winner 🙂

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Reason number 8

I play fucking video games! Yes, I am a gamer. I’ve owned almost every gaming console ever made. (expect for X-box BARF) and no, I don’t play Barbies animal rescue or Mary- Kate and Ashley’s’s golf ..*Scoff*

Reason number 9

I am and will be your number one fan/ believer! No matter what crazy idea or dreams you have, if I see how bad you want something and are willing to work towards it, I will stand behind you 110%, even if the odds are zero and unrealistic.

Reason number 10

I am independent. Seriously, what is worse then having a girlfriend or partner that needs to be attached to you at the hip 24/7? Example, I can do my own thing while you do yours. Even if we are in the same room together, we don’t have to BE together. Just you being there is enough. No need for suffocation.

Reason number 11

Family oriented. Lets face it shall we. There are way too many horror stories of the controlling wife/in-laws. For the most part, females like to start their own family and like to call the shots. I’ve seen this WAY too much. It sickens me. Families being torn apart and for what? I like being integrated and have no problems with family men and a “mamas boy”. Yes, I am the girl you want to bring home to your parents, trust me.

Reason number 12

I can count how many sex partners I have on one hand! Can you? Sex is not a joke. Just because your dating them, doesn’t mean you have to spread them.

Last but not least,

Reason number 13

Marriage to me is NOT a joke. I would not make that jump unless 100% ready. Divorce rates are WAY too high for my liking and no, I will not take you for half. That’s the perk about me. Equality and fairness. You bring half, you take your half. We buy a car, shit hits the fan, we sell the car and split the amount. FAIR. “I would like to plead emotional abuse” -Here , you get EVERYTHING. We get away with way too much because we have a baby making box bundle. This, sickens me.

There is way too much honestly to list, but these are the first things that come to mind when I think of the positives of why dating me isn’t compared to hell.Maybe I’m being full of myself, who the hell knows. Maybe everything I listed is a big fat “HELL NO” to some men or women out there. Who knows and who the cares! Kiss my semi-fat derrière.

Okay I’m done. I feel better about myself now.

This is a pretty annoying pompous post though I must say. Especially for my first 2014 post. Ah well. SUCK IT

With love;

Jenna

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Say Something

Say Something

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’ll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you.
Say something, I’m giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.
Alex & Sierra – Say Something Lyrics | MetroLyrics

So for Christmas, I got an acoustic guitar from my Uncle! Which has been a really inspiring gift. I have been practicing daily for at least two hours. My fingers are sore and cracked but it’s paying off. Right now, it is a MUST for me to learn,play, and sing this song. Sadly, this has been the way I have been feeling lately. This song has been my reality.

Anyway’s, when I’ve got it mastered, I will upload my cover version of it 🙂 ENJOY!

 

Early Midlife Crisis

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Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

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Demon Child

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Guess what time it is! It’s story time! YAY ! Oh no, what’s that? You don’t care? I don’t blame you *cries* And yes, that is me digging for gold.

I’m here to talk about demon children. Why? Cause I can. Because I dear internet, was in fact, a demon child. One of those kids that you would actually question how the parents never killed it. I was that fucking child! I was destructive, calculated, expensive and just flat out freaking annoying!

As a child, I would put my parents in debt. I had this curious and mischievous nature about me that liked to take shit apart. Not just any shit. Not my toys, not random shit lying around. Not this kid. I would take apart telephones, remote controls, stereo systems, gaming systems, and VCRs. Of course I could take it apart, that was easy part. The hard part was putting it back together again! I never could, so it would just end up being a pile of motherboards, wires, buttons, and other tiny pieces. My parents loved having to go shopping weekly to replace my bad hobby… NOT! Shit like that is expensive and adds up.

My parents till this day, tell me what a destructive kid I was. I think ultimately the best story I was ever told was the time I thought the VCR was hungry, so I decided to feed it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! HAHAAA! I freaking die even just writing about it! Apparently one day they went to put in a tape to watch a movie and it wouldn’t go. After trying to force it, they took the tape out to notice peanut butter all over the side of it, looked into the VCR, and saw the sandwich! Haha! When questioned, I replied with -” I thought it was hungry” … WoW Jenn. *sigh*

As I got older, I switched to my obsession with fire. I would play with matches, lighters, candles, our gas stove. If it had fire, it was hours of fun. I would set paper, clothes, toys, blinds, and myself on fire. One day, I got ahold of my fathers Zippo and ended up dropping it on the carpet in the upstairs hallway. While it was lit I might add. Umm, I think it’s safe to say we all know what happen. The carpet set on fire and I was grounded for 2 months… I forgot to mention slapped the shit out of as well. *tear* my ass met the wooden spoon that day multiple times. I guess I deserved it.

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In my teenage years, looking back, I can confidently say I scared the shit out of my mom. I’m 100% sure she thought I was possessed and need exorcism. I went through a phase where I enjoyed listening to heavy mental rock, like Slipknot and Rammstein religiously. Not because there was a problem, but because I genuinely liked the music. I will never forget the day I asked her for the Slipknot CD for Christmas. She didn’t know who they were, so she agreed and bought it. The album she picked up was the Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses).. I remember her telling me, she literally thought ‘What the fuck’ to herself when she saw the cover work. That day when I received the CD, I shortly went to my room to play it. Within 4-5 minutes, she had made her way up to my room, slowly opened my door with scared wide eyes, walked over to the CD player, took the disk out, didn’t take the case, and as she walked out said- ” we are going to church right now, go get dressed” …. But MOM! – “No! There is clearly something seriously wrong with you! Lets go!”

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Hahahah! Oh mom! You kill me.

I literally had to start listening to shit like Celine Dion and Gwen Stefani just to make her happy, and most importantly, stop trying to drag me to church. What I would put myself through for them.. Jeez.

Not much later on in my teen years I started listening to beats. Don’t even get me started on how I hated Gino’s and Gina’s! So stupid! But I kinda liked the music, so sure. Why the fuck not. The only thing I never understood was ‘Glow-sticking’ how the hell was that considered dancing?!? But I’ll try anything once. I’m adventurous like that .

So! One day my mom was on her way to the dollar store, so I had asked her to pick me up ‘glows-sticks’ “Mom, I want the big ones! The ones with the string attached to them! Get me 2 please”.. She was the parent who always asked why. Not that I blame her, but still. Her response was – “why do you need those? You going to attack the cats with them?” ….. Ugh’ no mom! I just want them okay? See! The fact she had to ask that! Demon child!

So, she bought them. A few days later I was attempting to ‘glow-sticking’ in my room, while playing beats when she then decided to just walk in on me. I can still remember her face. It’s like it was yesterday. I knew she never understood me, and for good reason. I was such a strange fucking being that you couldn’t understand even if you tried.

What will she do next?

Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents for having to put up with me. Not because I was an extremely terrible kid or anything. Or because they were good parents. Cause they weren’t. But because I know I wouldn’t have the patients to handle me. I would of killed me! I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks mom and dad for not hanging me or putting me up for adoption. Although, I’m still convinced I was switched at birth and they aren’t my real parents. Blah!

I guess the point of this story is, that if any weird fucker out there one day decides to mate with me and procreate. Good fucking LUCK! Lets hope it carries more of your genes and not mine. And if by some chance you were worse then me. Then, lets not!

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Reality Check

Listen bitch, your going to the Dominicans in October so stop inhaling Philly’s chocolate cream-cheese spread like it’s air! Your lazy ass still works in that place you wish would spontaneously combust. Fix it! You most likely just gained 4.5 pounds in the last hour because you decided to scarfed down that remaining half of cherry pie, fucking lard ass. So don’t even consider trying to fit in that 2 piece bathing-suit you ordered online from Victoria Secret. Victoria’s got a secret, let me tell you, your prosciutto legs aren’t fitting in that bikini bottom -.- , AND! Nobody reads what you write cause they don’t give a fuck! *cries* The truth is, you are most likely going to eat some chocolate covered almonds like the true hossalofalous you are, go look at yourself in the mirror, get depressed, and then take a shower while you cry,aggressively brushing through your tangled rats nest you call hair and spraying conditioner everywhere in the shower. Like fucking Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. This is what you usually do. You tend to believe showering will wash away all your problems. Well guess what! It WON’T !

This is me giving me a dose of reality since I’ve been living in LALA Land lately. I don’t even know where I sleep any more. My room looks like a pig STY! Bed? What bed? I can’t even call ‘it’ a bed! I’m not a messy person at all! This is how I know something’s wrong! Come on Jenn! Get your act together! You are starting to look and smell like a cave woman! Speaking of smell…..what the fuck is that? Oh, It’s my dog. I haven’t gotten around to bathing that hairy mutt all summer. I’ve basically relied on the rain to do that for me which, surprisingly made it worse?

I’m a barbarian! Hopeless. GAH

Confessions Part 2

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So lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not know about stuff that I feel that I should know about. If you are asking yourself this question right now – “what the fuck is this bitch going on about now?” . I’m doing it right 🙂

But I’m being serious. I honestly feel like there is a lot of information and stuff out there that I am not knowledgeable about. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing so, I decided to do something about it. I went to my local library and took out 25 DVD’s on random ass shit!

Yup! 25 fucking DVD’s from the History, Discovery channel and National Geographic!  Why? Cause I’m fucking stupid that’s why! I signed out DVD’s based on all kinds of shit. All though I must say, when 89.9% of the stuff you grab is shit your already interested in like, oceans and sea life, it kind of defeats the purpose. It’s about the stuff you don’t give a shit about! That’s what you should be learning!

Now I’m going to be completely honest with you here, I am clinically retarded when it comes to topics or subjects in History, Geography, and Politics. Yes, I willingly just told you I’m stupid. If it’s not about Science, the Arts, Religion, and video games, I couldn’t hold a conversation even if my life depended on it. This to me is sad, which is why I decided to make myself more educated and aware. Maybe it was because I never took interest in these topics, I dunno. But it’s time for a change! I want to be SMART! …Er?

Now a better question is, why am I openly admitting my ignorance to a bunch of strangers? Why? Because I’m not ashamed to tell you I’m stupid! I have purposely chosen to be this way! But I have accepted the fact I am dumb and need to change that. It’s a tough world out there folks, being stupid is a weakness! .. *cries*

Oh, and I fell in a hole yesterday. No seriously, I stepped in an open vent in the floor and fell flat on my face. FAIL! Penis wrinkle.