14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 7

  

Red smoothie (Breakfast/Lunch)

  • 1 Cup almond milk
  • 1/2 Cup Probiotic yogurt
  • 1 Cup of strawberries and Rasberries 
  • Handful of spinach 
  • 2 Tbs of chia seeds
  • 1 Tsp of flax powder 

Verdict= screw this. 

Day 7 complete! On to my last week! I’m excited! I feel like I have so much more energy then I ever had in my life! Also, I’ve never had so many trips to the bathroom in my life! But I’m loving this feeling of wellness inside! Just wish there was a major postion smoothie to fix a broken body! 

  

Green clean smoothie (Dinner)

  • 1 Frozen banana
  • 2 Cups of kale
  • 1 Cup of spinach 
  • Half a cucumber 
  • 1 Tbs green powder 
  • 1 1/2 almond milk 

Verdict= tasted pretty damn good! 

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 6

  

Orange Smoothie (Breakfast/ Lunch)

  • 1/2 Cup Orange juice
  • 1/2 cup probiotic yogurt
  • 1 peeled orange 
  • 1/2 peach 
  • 1 shredded carrot
  • 1 scoop of whey protine powder

For dinner while I was at work, I had solids. Carrots and hummus, quinoa and small piece of baked salmon. 

One week as of tomorrow!!! Yay!!! 

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 5

  

Yellow Smoothie (Breakfast/Lunch)

  • 1/2 Cup Almond milk
  • 1/2 probiotic yogurt 
  • Handful of Pineapple and mango
  • 1/2 Banana
  • Tiny bit of grated ginger 

This recipe was AMAZING! It was like dessert for breakfast! Although, It probably could of used some protein powder somewhere in there, since I was starving by 2 pm waiting at the Chiropractor.

Okay, let’s talk about the dinner smoothie. I actually vomited this up. I tried, I really did. It was soooo sweet! And thick! When I say thick I mean thicker then jam.. It was vile. It was so bad I cried for help while drinking it. Then my body said “fuck this” and decided to expel this dirty smoothie I was forcing down my throat. Needless to say anything my vomit touched is now stained for life. If you thought tomato sauce or ketchup was hard to get out…. Think again. Try getting blueberry beet puke out of a white sweater. HAH! Good luck! 

Also. If that wasn’t warning enough here.

WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Purple potion(Dinner)

  • 3/4 cup of beets
  • 1 cup antioxidant juice
  • 1 cup of blueberries 
  • 1 carrot 



14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 4

  

Tropical Green Smoothie (Breakfast)

  • 1 Cup of Pineapple
  • 1 Cup of mango 
  • 1 Cup of Chashew milk 
  • Handful of kale and spinach 
  • 1 Banana
  • 1 Tbs of chia and hemp seeds

  

Antioxidant Smoothie (Dinner)

  • 2 Cups of mixed berries
  • 1 Cup orange Juice
  • 1/2 Cup Greek yogurt 

Okay. So, I’ve made it to day 4. I’m doing good right? Other then that fact I can’t stop having shit attacks!! It’s been 2 days straight now!  You’d think I’d be losing weight or something, but no. Not I. *SIGH* a week is not even over yet! I feel like I’ve been doing this for a month! God I’m weak! 

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 2

  

Peanut Butter Jelly Smoothie (breakfast/lunch)

  • 1 cup chilled black coffee
  • 1 cup chocolate almond milk
  • Handful of mixed berries 
  • 1 Tbs peanut butter 
  • 1/4 cup chocolate whey protein powder
  • Pinch of cinnamon 

Verdict = freaking Godly!!

This smoothie tasted A-Mazing! The only con to this smoothie was the fact it tasted so good that, it never made it till lunch! Heck! It barely made it out the door! Definitely going to be making this smoothie again! It honestly tasted like an amazing PBnJ sandwich without the bread, with a kick of chocolate and coffee! Soooo tasty!

It gave me energy throughout the entire day. It also gave me the urge to shit myself, seeing as the coffee is like a diuretic to me -.-‘.. STILL, an awesome smoothie none the less. For lunch, I decided to bring back solids.. If you consider hummus and baby carrots lunch I guess. I NEEDED TO CHEW! It was more of a snack. I caved. Although, it was pizza Friday at work today and the meat lovers pizza looked me dead in the eyes. I said no, not today my friend, not today. Self-control FTW!… I stole a piece of sausage though…What? I’M HUMAN!

My dinner smoothie looked and sounded pretty promising! Until you get to the middle layer… the green layer… the layer of death. HOLY FUCKING PARSLEY! When I tasted it before I layered it on, it wasn’t too bad. I tasted more Kiwi then anything. That was because it was only a spoon full. I drank this bad boy with a straw and let me tell you, I nearly gagged to death. In a state of panic I swirled the straw around and ended up mixing the three layers together. OH my JESUS. It tasted like a homeless man’s corn hole. I don’t know what that actually tastes like, but I can only imagine it would taste like that. GAG.

I’m starting to see a trend here. Parsley is the devil and should be banned from all smoothies! WHO DOES THIS TO A SMOOTHIE!?! GAWD!  3 Layer Smoothie (Dinner)

Top Layer

  • 1 Tomato
  • 1/2 Cup frozen mixed berries
  • 1 Tsp Organic Maca powder
  • Chia seeds

Middle Layer

  • Handful of parsley
  • Handful of Spinach and Kale
  • 1 Kiwi
  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Tbs of Green powder
  • Chia seeds

Bottom Layer

  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Orange
  • 1 Cup of frozen diced Mangos

Verdict = mmm-DEAD-YUMMMM (In order of layers)

Needless to say, I survived day 2 and ready to take on day 3! The smoothies better come out 10/10 tomorrow. One more horse shit smoothie and I’m out!.. Not out… just loosing faith….I can’t swallow any more Booster Juice lies *cries*

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 1


Green Goodness (Breakfast/Lunch)

  • 2 Cups of Green tea (chilled)
  • 1/2 Avocado
  • 1 Granny smith apple
  • 1 Cup sliced cucumber
  • 1 Celery stalk
  • 1 Cup of Parsley
  • 1 Scoop of super green powder
  • 1 handful of kale/baby spinach
  • 1 Tbs of Hemp seeds
  • 2 Tbs Chia seeds

Let’s start here. I made this diarrhea green smoothie this morning thinking “God! This is so healthy! I’m so excited!” But then I had my first sip and instantly got a headache. So one of two things happend. 1) Maybe because it tasted like baby braf and bird seeds. Or 2) My body was like “WTF is that?!? This is not beef!” Reject! 

Anyways, I finished that putrid drink that made me gag with every sip. Note to self green tea, it’s a no for me.. Especially when you leave the teabag in the cup overnight in the fridge. What a retard! Live and learn I guess.

I did however, manage to survive the entire day without eating a single solid.

Don’t even get me started with dinner… I attempted to make a smoothie that I’ve had at booster juice that tasted amazing! Umm… Needless to say it tasted NOTHING like it! It didn’t even LOOK like it! =( 

 Tropic-kale (Dinner)

  • Handful of kale
  • 1 Cup of mango
  • 1 Cup of pineapple 
  • 1/2 Banana
  • 2 Radishes 
  • 1/2 Tsp of Maca powder (red/black/yellow)
  • Cinnamon to top

What a horrible way to start off a 14 day smoothie lifestyle. Le BARF!

How To Lose 10 Pounds in 5 Days

20131103-211253.jpg

I’m here to share with you my secret to losing 10 pounds in literally 5 days with 6 easy steps!

Step 1- Go on Vacation to the Caribbean (Cuba, Dominican etc.)

Step 2- Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously. Try and eat only 3 times a day with a few snacks in between. But when you do eat, especially at the buffet, try everything.

Step 3- Drink EVERYTHING. Even if you are warned not to consume water unless its bottled. Or to avoid drinks with high amounts of coconut milk because it might upset your stomach. Drink it anyways.

Step 4- Contract Travellers Diarrhea. You may be thinking at this point if not already, “What the fuck is wrong with this moron?!”… It’s okay, I promise you. You’ll thank me later.

Step 5- Spend 99.8% of your life for the next 5 days in the bathroom. To pass the time; create a source of entertainment for yourself. I can guarantee you it gets lonely in there. I like to bastardize songs like “wrecking ball” by Miley Cyrus.
Example- “It came out like a wrecking ball, I’ve never shit so hard before” etc.

Last but not least…

Step 6- Enjoy your new body. After spending 5 days spewing your guts out of your asshole, you deserve to be happy. Those skinny jeans you couldn’t get past your ass will slip right on.

Oh I almost forgot. Make sure after the 5 day plan, head over to your family doctor for a visit so he can prescribe you some serious fucking drugs. Chances are you have a bug or parasite that’s eating you inside out and you could possibly die.

Please use this diet plan at your own risk. I shall not be held accountable for any casualties. I am not a professional dietitian.