To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

A Hormone Malfunction

Have you ever heard of the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’? Well, I have and I can only wish I had listened to those words for this next story I am about to tell you.

If you have been a follower of my blog and have read my posts from many years ago, I suffered from ovarian cysts, I have been on smoothie detoxes, I have become a Vegan.. I do have some health issues but try to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. Over the past two years, I have relocated to Edmonton Alberta where I now reside..momentarily… I currently work at a Naturopathic clinic where I obviously seek treatment now as well. I started working here in May of 2018. If you know anything about Naturopathic doctors or have ever been to one, then you know they prescribe a fuck ton of supplements. Honestly, I am okay with that because I hate pharmaceutical drugs and they try to kill me anyways. I have been seeing one of the doctors here since August and I have to say, she was honestly helping me. I was struggling with anxiety and stress which she basically fixed in under 2 months. Over the last 4 months, she has been trying to figure out if I suffer from a hormone imbalance. She assumed I was “estrogen dominate” from everything I ever told her and my health history.

Just recently before December, I had been suffering with enlarged lymph nodes of my neck. I had seen a walk in doctor to which they sent me for basic blood work to find out if I was dying from Lymphoma as they so bluntly put it. Idiots.. Anyways, my blood work came back normal but my lymph nodes were STILL growing. I wasn’t getting a cold or anything either which usually is the normal response for swollen and enlarged lymph nodes. Four days later, I had a disk slip in my neck, well there yeah go! I figured out WHY they were swollen. It took 2 weeks to recover but I did 🙂 yay me.

Fast forward to a week ago, I am feeling better neck wise, by my lymph nodes are now really painful to the point I can barely get any sleep. I see the Naturopath at my clinic and she recommends I pay for the proper blood work to be done. I spend like 300 and something dollars for 4 different blood work tests and 3 supplements to help deal with my inflammation and hormones? So two of these four tests I paid for are hormone tests since she things I could have a hormone “imbalance”..Okay, sure, I’m curious. I do the blood work, a few days later get my results. All I see is random numbers and the word POSITIVE…Positive? Positive for what?…I try and stay away from google all morning till doctor gets in for her shift. We sit down and she tells me shitty news. One of the tests I did was called an ANA test…(antinuclear antibody) which means it evaluates a person for an autoimmune disease…HERE WE GO… lol

She then tells me my hormones are IN FACT imbalanced.  Apparently the normal ratio for a females progesterone levels are 100-500 (I have no idea what those numbers mean or what measurements they use)…but APPARENTLY my level is 18..EIGHTEEN…that is astronomically LOW… I am laughing but I should be crying.. She then prescribes me MORE supplements and a cream to “balance” my hormones “naturally”…

This is where the fun begins.

Wednesday December  19th 2018

My morning starts like any other. I feel fine otherwise then my neck still being swollen and painful. I take my new supplements and head to work. 3 hours into my shift I start to feel extremely exhausted. I was yawning as if I was sleep deprived…I slept for literally 8 hours and pretty decently too. The yawning becomes unbearable and uncontrollable. I started to time the yawns… they were literally every 2.5 seconds and they were aggressive…Jaw open wide, watering eyes, my eyelids turned purple and black like I was punched in the face. I got nervous/annoyed since I deal with patients and could barely get two words in without a massive yawn. Plus it honestly looked like I was on something… I looked doped up…Because I am a person who likes natural remedies, I went to plug in the diffuser we have in the office and I put some peppermint oil in it to pick me up a bit. It actually helped a lot. This wasn’t a big red flag for me since I’ve taken supplements for years and know your system has to get use to them. By the end of the day I was dragging myself on the floor. I barely made it home and to bed..took awhile to fall asleep though.

Thursday December 20th 2018

I wake up feeling extremely … EXTREMELY exhausted..I hear the alarm go off and I yell “NO” for some random reason… as if my phone or alarm for that matter care how I feel. I slide off the side of the bed and crawl into the bathroom.. dreading turning on the light..for I know what will be staring back at me in the mirror…Image result for morning face

I decide to leave the bathroom and turn the kettle on instead. I am in this phase of my life where I drink like 7-8 cups of David’s Tea a day…and that starts from the moment I wake up. I prepare the loose leaf of choice and then walk to the fridge and open the freezer door for no damn reason. I realize I have no choice but to return to the bathroom.. almost 40% of my morning routine requires me to be in there. Keep in mind I have not turned on a single light in my house yet.

I walk into the bathroom turn on the light and… and nothing ..I look spectacular for someone who feels like they were punched in the face and haven’t slept in a month. Fast forward to 45 mins later (no I did not spend all that time in the bathroom) .. I am headed out the door for work. I feel really strange..almost loopy or delusional. I try and shake it off and make it to work.

My shift was a 9-5 and I barely made it to 1:00 pm. Patients were asking me if I was okay on the account of I looked like hell apparently. My eyelids were a dull purple colour with black rings around my eyes..My face was tingling and numb on the left side, and I had the worst headache and head pressure ever. I was honestly trying to smell the air trying to figure out if I smelt burnt toast. Then… the worst thing happened.. I had a hot flash… I started sweating and turning red. I couldn’t breath and ran for the door. I swung it open and hung my head and upper body out gasping for air. It was minus 13 and I was standing outside sweating! I was BOILING to DEATH outside! I went back inside and tried to have some water and calm down.. initially I thought it was a stroke.. then I thought it was a panic attack… then I had ANOTHER hot flash…. it was starting to make sense.. she was fucking with my hormones and I was going into menopause! I’m 29! I do NOT want to deal with that shit!

I HAD to leave.. I could not stay… I started to turn into a lunatic. I started crying… and sweating.. and then I got angry..and then I made coffee, had a sip and burnt my tongue.. then started to say out loud “WHY” …I am obviously alone when all this happens.. so as these symptoms increase..my level of panic increases… I am sure this is the end of me. I hysterically order an Uber and call my mom to tell her I love her..I start crying and then apologize for being nuts! she assures me I am not nuts but whatever I am on I need to stop taking it.

By the way, if you or anyone you know is having a hot flash… comfort them.. bring them chocolates, flowers, a bottle of whiskey.. cause FUCK do they need it…I am NOT looking forward to menopause.

The ride home was a blur. My mom stayed on the phone with me and I am sure I was telling her how I feel because the driver was looking at me concerned through his mirror. Not the concerned look for my health, more so for himself. That “crazy white people” kinda look. When I arrive home, I get out of the car, say thank you and then slip on a patch of side right outside the car door. In the midst of possibly killing myself, my mom says..”you’re rude, you could of wished him a Merry Christmas..” Still clinging on to the car door for dear life, I manage to say Merry Christmas and he just looks at like with the “okay bitch, let go of my door so I can go please”.. Now finally standing like a baby giraffe that was just born, I close the door and he just takes off like a bat out of hell.

How Rude…

The delusion and hot flashes last until 3 am. That was the last time I got out of bed to stick my head in the freezer. Needless to say I didn’t take any supplements that night.

Friday December 21st 2018

I get up and changed without a major struggle this morning. I decided to not take any supplements again today. I am able to go to work without having a meltdown. Everything is fine until about 1:00 pm. It started when I noticed my fingers were purple and kinda black around the knuckles. At first my panic button was hulk smashed. I got up and ran to the door to see it in better light. I started rubbing at the areas and noticed it was kinda smearing and blending into other parts of my hand…

Okay, odd…I walk back to the desk and look for pen ink anywhere else. Nothing, I look at the chair I am sitting on, the cushion that is usually beige is now purple? Okay, what the heck is going on. I go to the washroom and pull down my pants..too much info I know, but I needed to figure out what was going on!

I am literally Barney from the waist down! My pants! The dye in my black pants are bleeding out all over my skin! I have worn these pants before many times and this have NEVER happened! It must be something in my bloodstream that is pulling the chemicals/dye out of my pants! I start to panic more. I can’t work another 7 hours like this! What if it is toxic or stains my skin?!

The next 30 minutes is complete mayhem..

I take a bottle of hand sanitize into a treatment room and a roll of paper towel. I take my pants off and start pumping hand sanitizer all over my legs and trying to wipe off the dye with paper towels frantically. I started off with a whole roll and almost finished it and there was still ink coming off from my legs! There was purple paper towel all over the floor and my legs were still purple! It looked like a Barney crime scene. At this point, I am running out of time before the doctor comes back to the clinic. Finally after 2 rolls of paper towel, soap, water, hand sanitizer, massage oil, and determination, my legs are starting to look normal.. but there is still dye on me. I do NOT want to put these damn pants back on and deal with this all over again. Plus, I don’t want to sit in the toxic dye that is going into my blood stream! So do you know I do?! I turn myself into the Michelin Man from the waist down! I literally wrap my legs in paper towel (the cheap kind not even the soft one) and keep it in place with scotch tape! All you here is the sound of crinkling every time I walk! You can see I have a something under the pants and it looks bulky and BAD. You can see some paper towel sticking out from the bottom of the pant leg. I CANNOT work like this! I run to the computer and type in our address in google maps followed by clothing stores nearby. There seems to be a women’s fashion store on the other side of the street. Maybe about a 5-10 min walk. I do not have a car here yet in Alberta, so I take the bus..I cannot walk around in public like this plus, the streets are covered in ice and I risk the chance of my klutzy ass falling and getting hit by a car. So what do I do? I call the store.

I call the store and explain my dilemma. They then offer to DELIVER pants to me…Deliver me pants… like a fucking Pizza! I was about to purchase pants over the phone and have it delivered to my office door. 2018 for the WIN..Everything was going to plan until she told me the price for a pair of tights…$150.00 dollars for a pair of tights….

LONG JOHNS DO NOT COST $150 DOLLARS!! UGH

I politely decline.. I would rather take my chances with toxic poisoning… I do not have the kind of money to be dropping $150.00 on leggings… I didn’t want to ask them about their other pants. Clearly this place is a high end women’s boutique for people who apparently print money in their basement.

I as down to 20 mins left before the Doctor returned…So I did why I do best in a panic..I do more stupid things. I walked over to the dollar store and bought a roll of saran wrap. Mhm. you read that right..I covered my entire lower body in plastic wrap so when I start to sweat, the dye under the plastic wrap will intensify and seep deeper into my pours.

And the IDIOT of the year award goes to MOI..

I finish work this way obviously cause what other choice do I have? I could tell the doctor and ask to leave but, after what happen the day before.. I do not wan’t to draw any more attention to myself. I got home and took a 1.5 hour shower. I washed my shame down the drain and went to bed. All that excitement was enough for me.

As I write this, it is currently the afternoon of December 22nd and I am 12 hours and 40 minutes away from flying home for the holidays. I have almost successfully made it to 2019. It has been a struggle to say the least but, the point of all this is to appreciate everyday.

Enjoy the holidays everyone! All the best for the new year! ❤

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS !! ❤

Jenna Out!

 

 

 

 

The Story Of The Lost iPhone And Missing Owner

This story I am about to tell you is some serious Nancy Drew shit.

The story takes place on a crisp Monday morning. I was on my way to an appointment and was headed to the bus stop near my place of residence. Inside the bus stop in the corner of my eye, something caught my attention on the bench. It was a red iPhone 8 plus. I looked away and straight ahead. I guess what I saw didn’t process. A moment later I glance at it again. Hesitant, I slowly inch myself towards it. I look from side to side checking my surroundings. Am I being set up?

I slowly reach towards the phone and press the home button. The screen illuminates and I see a few notifications and the background photo. It’s the face of a child. I automatically assume this phone belongs to a parent. I pick up the phone and examine it. It has a Kate Spade case on. It’s figure it’s a mother or a very proud aunt. Also, the phone is locked with a pass code, great. I then realize my bus will be there in less then 2 minutes. I need to make a decision what to do with this phone. Do I leave it and not make it a responsibility? Do I take it with me? I need to make a choice now. If I leave it, I risk the chance someone who will not return it might get their hands on it. This bus stop tends to have mainly students and teenagers and it is still early morning. Many people will be at this bus stop in the next hour or so.

If you could believe there was a sticky note on the ground inside the bus stop, believe it. I picked it up and noticed there were 3 names written on it. I don’t read the names. I scratch them out and write “if you lost an iPhone, call the iPhone or call my number *my number here*” then place it on the glass inside the bus stop. The bus pulls up beside the stop and I place the phone in my purse and get on. Immediately, I start the investigation process.

How long was the phone there for? The last notification was 14 minutes ago from Instagram. A text message comes through. I realize that message preview is on and I can read everything that comes in. The person is saying she can’t work those days since she will be on holidays. The number is saved so I can’t contact the person since the phones locked. Someone else texted. Same kinda thing, work schedule related and mentions her name, Veronica. So from the information I’m gathering, her name is Veronica and she has something to do with scheduling people’s work shifts.

It’s been 30 mins now since I’ve had the phone and the owner hasn’t tried to call. A third text comes in. This time, the number is not saved in the phone and I can use my phone to call or text it. So that’s exactly what I do. No one answers when I call so I send a text. My text says:

By this point I have reached my destination and 4 more text messages have come in. All within the same context, work scheduling related. All these numbers are also saved to the address book so the number is not available to me. I haven’t mentioned yet how I’ve tried to Facebook search the names of the people who have been texting or searching the name Veronica on Facebook relative to Edmonton, Alberta.. Also, way too many freaking Veronica’s in Edmonton. Just saying.

At this point I have some time in between waiting for me to be seen and signing forms. I try Siri again. “call home”…. nothing.. “call HOME”…. nothing… “call mom” …nada..

I get called in and I’m in there roughly 45 minutes. I check the phone for activity, nothing other then 3 more texts about work schedule crap. Where the hell is the damn owner of this phone? She must have noticed by now her phone is missing!

I now leave my appointment and head for he bus stop to go to work. Once on the bus, Veronica’s phone rings. I answer immediately. “Hello! Veronica? Hello? Is this Veronica??”… “insert some foreign language” then I get hung up on.. okay.. not Veronica? I proceed to send that person I texted before another message.

The minute I get to work, I call Rogers Place. I get no one so I leave a voicemail.. a very descriptive voicemail in regards to the situation. 5 minutes later I get a phone call on my phone. It is someone from Rogers Place.. not Veronica. I am told that there is no one by the name Veronica that works in Human Resources.. at this point I’m at a loss for words. She then proceeded to tell me they have contract workers who aren’t permanent and that she will do some digging on her end. The call ends and I’m left starting to worry about this women name Veronica..

What if something happen to her? What if she left her phone there because she doesn’t want to be found? What if she’s missing? I know if I lost my phone (which I have before for a total of 10 minutes… worst 10 minutes of my LIFE) I would have called it immediately.

But it could be a work phone and she might not remember the number.. I have to stay positive that everything will work out and that Veronica is okay.

Fast forward, I’m at work for a couple of hours. It’s my day off actually but I decided to go in to get some stuff done off the clock. I can do that. It’s now 3:30 pm and still no freaking word from the owner. Just my multiple texts from works saying that can’t work one “those” days… no wonder she left her phone.. I wouldn’t want to deal with the disappointment of people not wanting to work.

I’m now heading to my massage appointment for 5:00 pm. Another text comes in and it’s not work related I don’t think. Mainly cause it’s not in English and has a smiley face with the tongue sticking out. I decide to pop open google translate on my phone and type in the text. It reads “bring us dessert please =P” and the translation came from the Filipino language. Okay.. so Veronica is a Filipino mom who does or doesn’t work in Human Resources at the Rogers Place, who deals with rejections of people’s work schedules. GREAT

At this point I’m convinced something weird is going on… did this women do something wrong? Does she not want to be found? Am I now going to be targeted for something? What the hell! I was just trying to help this person out! She’s making it extremely difficult! Where in the world is Veronica?!

At this point my mom is freaking me out filling my head with nonsense. She tells me to bring it to the police. That’s just what I plane to do tomorrow. If you are wondering why I haven’t done that yet it’s because clearly this women lives super close to me. She uses the same bus stop. The closest police department is almost near the other end of town. I’m doing it for convenience of he owner.

On my way to my massage, I pass by the bus top and grab he sticky note with my phone number on it.. my mom scared me and I didn’t want my cellphone number circulating around.

After my massage I send the person I have been texting another message.

She doesn’t respond to me till awhile later. At this point I have the phone on loud ringer, on my tv stand, with a cloth over the speaker and camera because honestly… who the hell knows anymore. I don’t trust people in this world anymore.

8:36 pm Veronica’s phone rings. I run to it but miss the call, luckily you can just swipe to recall a missed call. A women answers and I say “hello! Veronica?” She replies with “no, but I’m looking to speak to her” She sounds concerned..my next words are ” let me explain to you why I have her phone..”. I explain my case and ask her if she has another way to contact Veronica. She tells me she will get a hold of her, thanks me, and informs me that the phone is very important to her and she is probably worried about it…. but them how come she hasn’t tried to contact it I ask. She says she doesn’t know and will look into it. I give my number and name to her and she goes on her way.

9:03 pm my phone rings.. “Hello Jennifer?” “Veronica!?”..”yes, hello, its me, do you have my phone still?” I confirm I still have it and immediately ask her why she hasn’t called it or tried to find it all day. Her excuse… she was at a Christmas party. -.-‘ damn it woman! I have been worried about you all day and here you are probably getting shit faced and forgot you even had a phone! I didn’t say this to her… obviously.. I just thought it. She told me she thought she forgot it at home and didn’t think anything of it since it is a work phone.

She asks if she can come by around 9:30 pm since she’s on her way home from the party. I ask if I can deliver it to her since I still don’t actually believe the entire situation. She is using her friends phone and asks if she can call me with it when she gets to her house. Which by the way, is literally ACROSS the street. She texts me her address and her house phone number since I have her cellphone. She calls me when she gets home and I suit up to leave my house at 9:46 pm to return this woman’s phone.

As I walk to her house, I think of the scenario and what I will ask her to do to prove she’s Veronica. I decide she either types the code in the phone and unlocks it or tells me what the photo on the screen is. I get to the house, call her house phone and she immediately comes to the door. Sure enough, there is a lady who is Filipino with a bottle of wine in her hand at the door. She smiles and says hello. I say something like “I know this sounds weird, but can you please confirm this really is your phone?” She smiles and starts saying the pass code. I turn the phone screen to her and she types it in. The phone unlocks and I sigh with relief. She then reaches out her arm with the wine bottle in hand. I say “oh no! It’s okay really, I’m just glad you are okay!” And she smiles and stretches it out at me again. So I take it and say thank you. It was a weird day and honesty, I just wanted to go home to bed.

As I walked home, I giggled and thought to myself “of course this would happen to me.. my life is so damn boring I needed excitement” 🙂 which is why it is now a story I am sharing with you!

I haven’t been active over the past 2 years, and that was just mainly a me thing. I guess I lost interest, or maybe lost the motivation to sit down and type. But when I do, I promise it’s a novel that’s for sure! Haha

I hope everyone who reads this has made an effort to help someone out this year. It’s a great feeling especially near Christmas time to be able to help someone in need. I never expected a reward and honestly, was more concerned about the well being of Veronica.

Acts of kindness people! Let’s make this world a better place! ❤️

Peace out ✌🏼

Jenna Rambles

I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly 🙂

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food 😉

 

Ps. Jenna is back

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 4

  

Tropical Green Smoothie (Breakfast)

  • 1 Cup of Pineapple
  • 1 Cup of mango 
  • 1 Cup of Chashew milk 
  • Handful of kale and spinach 
  • 1 Banana
  • 1 Tbs of chia and hemp seeds

  

Antioxidant Smoothie (Dinner)

  • 2 Cups of mixed berries
  • 1 Cup orange Juice
  • 1/2 Cup Greek yogurt 

Okay. So, I’ve made it to day 4. I’m doing good right? Other then that fact I can’t stop having shit attacks!! It’s been 2 days straight now!  You’d think I’d be losing weight or something, but no. Not I. *SIGH* a week is not even over yet! I feel like I’ve been doing this for a month! God I’m weak! 

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 2

  

Peanut Butter Jelly Smoothie (breakfast/lunch)

  • 1 cup chilled black coffee
  • 1 cup chocolate almond milk
  • Handful of mixed berries 
  • 1 Tbs peanut butter 
  • 1/4 cup chocolate whey protein powder
  • Pinch of cinnamon 

Verdict = freaking Godly!!

This smoothie tasted A-Mazing! The only con to this smoothie was the fact it tasted so good that, it never made it till lunch! Heck! It barely made it out the door! Definitely going to be making this smoothie again! It honestly tasted like an amazing PBnJ sandwich without the bread, with a kick of chocolate and coffee! Soooo tasty!

It gave me energy throughout the entire day. It also gave me the urge to shit myself, seeing as the coffee is like a diuretic to me -.-‘.. STILL, an awesome smoothie none the less. For lunch, I decided to bring back solids.. If you consider hummus and baby carrots lunch I guess. I NEEDED TO CHEW! It was more of a snack. I caved. Although, it was pizza Friday at work today and the meat lovers pizza looked me dead in the eyes. I said no, not today my friend, not today. Self-control FTW!… I stole a piece of sausage though…What? I’M HUMAN!

My dinner smoothie looked and sounded pretty promising! Until you get to the middle layer… the green layer… the layer of death. HOLY FUCKING PARSLEY! When I tasted it before I layered it on, it wasn’t too bad. I tasted more Kiwi then anything. That was because it was only a spoon full. I drank this bad boy with a straw and let me tell you, I nearly gagged to death. In a state of panic I swirled the straw around and ended up mixing the three layers together. OH my JESUS. It tasted like a homeless man’s corn hole. I don’t know what that actually tastes like, but I can only imagine it would taste like that. GAG.

I’m starting to see a trend here. Parsley is the devil and should be banned from all smoothies! WHO DOES THIS TO A SMOOTHIE!?! GAWD!  3 Layer Smoothie (Dinner)

Top Layer

  • 1 Tomato
  • 1/2 Cup frozen mixed berries
  • 1 Tsp Organic Maca powder
  • Chia seeds

Middle Layer

  • Handful of parsley
  • Handful of Spinach and Kale
  • 1 Kiwi
  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Tbs of Green powder
  • Chia seeds

Bottom Layer

  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Orange
  • 1 Cup of frozen diced Mangos

Verdict = mmm-DEAD-YUMMMM (In order of layers)

Needless to say, I survived day 2 and ready to take on day 3! The smoothies better come out 10/10 tomorrow. One more horse shit smoothie and I’m out!.. Not out… just loosing faith….I can’t swallow any more Booster Juice lies *cries*

What Is She up To Now?!

Oh hey! Yes it’s true! I still roam the earth.

Since 2015 started it has been needless to say INSANE! I barely find time to pee any more. No seriously.

Anyway! I’m not going to even bother trying to backtrack… It would take a century.

Okay! So what is it this time?…

IT’ S A 14 DAY SMOOTHIE PLAN! WOOO HOOOO!!! *party cracker sound* No?

YAH! That’s right! I’m going to share with you my 14 day smoothie diet/detox plan that I will torture myself with!

Why? Why on earth would you do that? Well, let me be frank. I suck at diet or detox plans. I typically  last 2 days at most before I turn into a giant bitch. Why do I turn into a giant bitch? Well, it’s simple. Blended fruits and vegetables are not considered a source of food on its own. This is my opinion of course. I need food. Real. Food. Meat, Fish, Rice, Pasta, Bread, Food. I’m obviously exaggerating. But I can drink all the smoothies I want and still be starving because my stomachs all like ” WTF IS THIS LIQUID NONSENSE! FEED ME STEAK BITCH!”… hence why I turn into the devil! I am in constant state of starving to death! I like to eat… I need food to be happy. No joke.

I also need the motivation because well, lets be honest here. Diets that involve a lot of fruits and vegetables, or anything healthy for that matter, will run you a pretty penny. It will end up costing you an arm, a leg, a liver, kidney, a spleen, and in this case because I need to add things that will make my stomach believe there IS food ( seeds, protein powders and other healthy dust shit, etc) why not throw in an entire breast. Ugh.

So initially I was planning on doing a month, but then I was like… who am I kidding. I don’t even think I will last a week! I personally think at this point 14 days is setting the bar to high, but why not humour myself and see how long I can last.

I thought to myself, maybe! Just MAYBE! If I do this publicly… If I fail… everyone will see what a failure I am… But then I remembered I could just delete the posts..hehe.

NO! I will do this! So get ready folks! Get ready for 14 days of bitching, crying, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, emotional breakdowns, and of of course PICTURES! =D  Pictures of all the pretty smoothies I make! YAY?

Isn’t that a boatload of exciting-ness?! Pfft. Whateverrrrrr…. It’s not like I have anything better to write about (lol) Truth.

See ya when I get my Nutri Ninja in the mail! Should be any day now! In the meantime, I’m going to go make me a sandwich. Mmmmm mortadella and salami sandwiches.

KISSES! xoxox!

But I Gotta Have It!

So the other day I was talking to my mom and she decided to poke fun at me about all my crazy “obsessions” growing up. Some of them I thought were pretty fun, others, just weird. Anyway’s! So I decided to make a post about all the things I was apparently “obsessed” with and HAD to have! These are in no particular order at all.

Tamagotchi’s

I was a major die hard junkie for these things! I remember having like 12 at one point all at the same time! If you don’t know what a Tamagotchi is, well then you aren’t cool enough. Basically, it is a needy two-bit animal-alien thing that in order to live and grow, needs to be fed, played with, giving it medication if it gets sick and cleaning it’s shit (literally)..Then they grow up and eventually die. Or you neglect them and they die anyway’s. Really gives a child the sense of responsibility. HA!  The best part about this obsession, I was like 6 or 7 years old and in school all day. Plus, these toys were banned from being in class. SO, my mommy had to take care of all 12 for me :). As she retold the story, one day 4 or 5 of them died because she was too “busy” to take care of them, and when I got home for school I freaked out and accused her of murder. Told her she was a horrible babysitter and I would never leave my children with her again! Oh Jenn HAHA! This faze died at the age of 9 I believe.

Gel Pens

I could NOT get enough of these things! I had boxes and pencil cases FULL of these magical pens!! From glitter, to neon, glow in the dark, pastel, you name it! I was that rainbow child that only wrote in colours. Really pissed off the teachers especially when I wrote with highlighter green or yellow, even attempted writing in white once. Oh the memories! I got a new package once a week! I would cry when one of them stopped working or explode (which happened a lot). There was a point where I couldn’t leave a store WITHOUT a package of gel pens. LOVED them. Still do 🙂

Love2Love Bears

You probably don’t know what the hell these toys are. If you do, I’ll be surprised! This was my other stupid “obsession” that mommy had to take care of. This small key-chain battery operated bear was useless to say the least. It’s soul purpose was that scented baby bottle attached to it. It contained the smell of a certain fruit depending on which colour bear you bought. The bear it’s self had only 2 functions. Make nurturing sounds when you shoved the baby bottle into the hole in it’s face, and his nose would light up like Rudolf the red-nose reindeer. Useless, but NEEDED to have all of them.

Sailor Moon

I needed to be picked up everyday for lunch in elementary school to get my Sailor Moon fix. It was like crack to me. I recorded all the episodes onto VHS tapes so I could re-watch them when it wasn’t on. I had all the character dolls and could re-enact all the episodes with them. Sad I know. Till this day I can still sing the entire theme song. Kill me now.

The Spice Girls

Yep, I was obsessed with them. My room was decked out in posters and spice girl bubble gum stickers. I owned every album and dragged my mom to see their movie in theatres. Also, I ended up watching the movie so much, the VHS tape broke…*sigh* My favourite one was Victoria spice until she turned into Christian Bale from the movie The Machinist.

Pokémon 

Gotta catch them all was right! I was and still am obsessed with Pokémon! Like sailor moon, I needed to watch all the episodes AFTER school, recorded them all on VHS, collected ALL the cards (still have them) owned all the video games (still play them) and even battled the cards in the hallways at school like a loser. I bought a pack of cards a day after school at the local smoke shop with my birthday/Christmas money. I can sing the entire theme song even now! Proudly 🙂

Waffle and Ice Cream Sandwichs

I would want this for breakfast EVERY morning! Actually, I NEEDED this for breakfast every morning! I would refuse to go to school unless I got my Vanilla ice cream and waffle sandwich! Who the hell wants toast and cereal when you can have this godly piece of art?!? Maybe that’s what I was bowling ball when I was younger :/..MEH!

Nintendo Magazines

I hoarded these magazines and still do. I own ALL the retro ones and sometimes like to skim through them for nostalgia. I would read them ALL the time. Even during reading period in school, I would pull 3 or 4 our of my desk to read. Sometimes I would hide them in my actual school books and read them during class or lectures. I unfortunately got caught one day and had them confiscated. Cried for 5 days and wrote a nasty letter to the teacher and principle demanding my life back. My <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>life</span> back? My god…Child logic.

National Geographic

I had and still have a membership with these guys. I have a bookshelf dedicated to these magazines. I started reading them at the age of 5. I also made a stink of owning my fathers older collection so I could have an “official” collection.  Before a bookshelf, I use to just stack them in the basement near the bar till one day they fell over and almost killed my cat. Death by leaning tower of National Geographic’s anyone?

Kevin Bacon

Okay, I don’t even know how to explain this one. The first movie I had watched him in was Apollo 13, fell madly in love with him, and became “obsessed”…After that movie, I saw Hallow man and I was sold. I wanted to marry this man, possibly bare his child. It was absolutely the funniest thing apparently to my family. My uncle one day while I was at his house just drooling over a DVD cover of Kevin Bacon on it, decided to taunt me and say “Bacon is for eating, not for loving”…*sigh* That “obsessive crush” lasted an entire year. Yikes!

The Sims

This is obviously pertaining to just the initial “The Sims” game. I had played a bootleg version of it one day at my neighbours house and I just HAD to have this game! Who doesn’t want to Simulate their own freaking life?! I want to build a house from scratch and destroy simulated lives for fun! This is all I talked about day and night! At home and at school! I NEEDED it! SO, I saved up money for months till I was able to purchase the game! I remember as if it was yesterday! I got it from Zellers! It costed me 50 something bucks but I was the happiest moron alive! I couldn’t wait to get home and load this bad boy! To my surprise though, when I tried to run and install the CD…NADA…I had failed to look at the operating system requirements to run the game. Windows 95 or higher. Dude, I was sporting a Windows 3.1 like a boss. There was no way this game was going to work. I must of cried from disappointment for like 2 weeks. Searching every possible way to try and make it work on a Windows 3.1..It never happened…a year later, we ended up getting a Windows 98. I also had purchased every single expansion pack in the meantime…Go big or go home.

Aloe Juice

I would pound down 2-3 bottles of these a day. My obsession with this beverage got to the point where I had milked the convenience store DRY! They were out of stock for 2 weeks at one point because of me. I HAD to have aloe juice with every lunch and dinner or I wouldn’t eat. Nuts, absolutely nuts

Popping Blackheads

I had/have a really big obsession with popping these things! Mine and other peoples! I have a horrible habit of scoping them out just about anywhere. You can bet your bottom dollar that if I am talking to you and spot one, chances are I’m dying to ask you to pop them or let me do it. It is SOOOO bad that I have gotten SLAPPED by friends for trying to pop their blackheads without their consent…. It’s sick, I know, I have problems, but I am NOT the only person out there like that. I know many!

Sum 41

When I was in grade 10 there was a point in my life where I could NOT sleep unless I had Sum 41 playing on my walkman (No, I did not own an mp3 player) I would have to put this particular CD on loop every…single…night….after listening to the other songs on different albums at least once. So basically, I had to listen to every Sum 41 song ever made to sleep. What the actual F***!

Disney Underwear

I own about 53 pairs of Disney underwear in total too date. Which of course, I’ve been told not wear any more.. *sad face* I have been told so many times that it is illegal to be with me since it can be considered as paedophilia. What!?!?! Can’t a grown woman not wear what she wants?!?! Besides, Victoria Secret is so yesterday 😛

Fire

So I was and still am a pyromaniac..Besides, the picture says it all! O00h and I love the smell of matches! Mmmmm

 Crossword and Word searches

There would be tons of newspapers with missing squares lying around everywhere! I would buy the newspapers, cut out the crosswords and word searches and then make a booklet out of them. Cause I’m cool like that. Couldn’t just buy an actual book right? *sigh* I would make sure I did 3-4 puzzles a day! It was a MUST. My parents oddly hated this obsession. It lasted 2 years.

Sunflower Seeds

This was the worst obsession/addiction EVER!! It was so unhealthy and messy! I can’t believe I didn’t contract hypertension from all the salt I would intake from these things! I would sit there and by the handful, suck all the salt off, spit them all out, and then proceed to eat them. Watching me do this was beyond disgusting and painful to watch. My mom would sit there and just bitch at me to stop instead of actually taking them away. “Jenn, look at the mess you’re making”… “you’re lips are bleeding”…”you are going to end up choking”..”why are you so repulsive?”… I swear I continued this “obsession” just to piss her off. I miss it.

Christmas

I have and will ALWAYS be OBSESSED with Christmas! My room looks like the North Pole when I am done decorating it. You can find me decked out in Santa hats and reindeer antlers. I’m usually pounding back eggnog and then throwing up because I cant drink milk or consume eggs. (Poison) I have Christmas music on ALL the time. All the radio stations are set to 98.1 CHFI because it’s 24 hours of non stop Christmas music! YAY!!! This can easy piss everyone off. I watch the Santa Clause Parade every year and make people watch it with me ( I hate being happy alone) plus, all those awesome movies and shows like Frosty the Snowman, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer, It’s a Wonder life etc…  and! I make sure the Christmas lights and tree are up in November. Obsessed? Nah!

Fishtail Braids

About a year and a half ago, I would do these EVERYDAY just because I wanted wavy pretty hair! I would wake up super early to shower and make them so by the time I had to leave for work, my hair would be dry and wavy when I took the braid out. I do this occasionally now because I am too freaking lazy. It is so worth it though! Pretty HAIR! 🙂

Estrella Damm Beer

New obsession since I came back from Europe is this beer. I cannot get enough of this liquid crack in a can. It is Godly too me. Thank you Spain, thank you.

There you have it. Now you know. I’m nuts. 🙂

 

Male and Female “Friendships”

20140515-013134.jpg
The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.