How To Lose 10 Pounds in 5 Days

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I’m here to share with you my secret to losing 10 pounds in literally 5 days with 6 easy steps!

Step 1- Go on Vacation to the Caribbean (Cuba, Dominican etc.)

Step 2- Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously. Try and eat only 3 times a day with a few snacks in between. But when you do eat, especially at the buffet, try everything.

Step 3- Drink EVERYTHING. Even if you are warned not to consume water unless its bottled. Or to avoid drinks with high amounts of coconut milk because it might upset your stomach. Drink it anyways.

Step 4- Contract Travellers Diarrhea. You may be thinking at this point if not already, “What the fuck is wrong with this moron?!”… It’s okay, I promise you. You’ll thank me later.

Step 5- Spend 99.8% of your life for the next 5 days in the bathroom. To pass the time; create a source of entertainment for yourself. I can guarantee you it gets lonely in there. I like to bastardize songs like “wrecking ball” by Miley Cyrus.
Example- “It came out like a wrecking ball, I’ve never shit so hard before” etc.

Last but not least…

Step 6- Enjoy your new body. After spending 5 days spewing your guts out of your asshole, you deserve to be happy. Those skinny jeans you couldn’t get past your ass will slip right on.

Oh I almost forgot. Make sure after the 5 day plan, head over to your family doctor for a visit so he can prescribe you some serious fucking drugs. Chances are you have a bug or parasite that’s eating you inside out and you could possibly die.

Please use this diet plan at your own risk. I shall not be held accountable for any casualties. I am not a professional dietitian.

If I Were A Zombie

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Photo Credit: My Uncle and his Iphone

I’d be smoking hot! Like come on! Look at that face! Yes folks, that picture of pure sexiness, is me 🙂 As you can see it was taken with an app from the TV series “The Walking Dead”

I have NEVER watched that show, nor do I ever want too. But I must admit, an app that can zombify your face is pretty awesome!

Thoughts? I know I would tap that. Look at those LARGE bulging baby blue eyes. Rawr!

Thanks Dead Yourself app! You made me look officially 100x hotter!

Funny Lines

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So besides being dreadfully sick, I’ve had a pretty okay week. Okay, I lied. I’ve had a horrible week and I can’t wait for it to end! Blah!

On the plus side, I’ve hear the most ridiculous but hilarious things within the past 2 days. Well, at least they are funny to me….Shut up.

SO! The first thing that I heard was on the radio while I was driving to work. It was on 102.1 The Edge. I can’t remember the conversation, but I think it was on the Dean Blundell Show. Anyway’s, the conversation was about scooters and motorcycles and why men ride them. Dean went off to say;

“Scooters are for men that like to feel the wind in their vaginas”

I’m sorry, I died laughing… But then again. I’m easily amused. =/

Shortly after there was conversation as too why men sometimes cannot get an erection during foreplay. Women usually blame it on the guy being nervous. There was an intern there at the time who I assumed told them a similar story. Of course Dean started ripping on her, saying things like; “MAYBE you grossed him out!”, “Is your junk mangled?” AHAHA ! HA !…Sorry.. So then he proceeds to listing reasons as too WHY. The line that killed me was;

“It looks like you’ve got a small tree in a leg-lock”

BAHAHAH!!! …. Ahem!

Oh how I love his show! I’m a music person and for one, cannot stand talking or commercials. But! His show KILLS me. Literally. I almost got into a car accident from laughing so hard….

Last but not least was the conversation I had with my boyfriend on the phone last night. Recently I had updated his music library with over 3,000 songs. Yah, I know. He is musically retarded sadly, so I had to help him. With over 3,000 song, I didn’t bother going through it obviously. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. 🙂 So he basically got a whole bunch of crap he’s not into. Like Sheryl Crow, and Leann Rimes. He didn’t have the time to go through all that music either before he left so, he dragged and dropped EVERYTHING to his Iphone.

So last night, I guess he had been listening to music, and to make a long story short, decided to comment on it. His line to me was;

“You have more Enrique Iglesias songs then a sad Spanish girl”

You see! Funny! No? …Pfft, Fine! I’ll just keep laughing by myself… like a sick lonely crazy person. *Cries*

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*COUGH*

One Question

How the HELL does this sound like a Tsunami? Why is it called Tsunami? This doesn’t sound anything like a natural mass destruction at all! This sounds like a really bad acid trip. Not that I don’t like the song. It’s just a question.

I just realized that I’ve asked two questions.

This songs by DVBBS & Borgeous. *Fits Pump!*

Shoot me.

I Can Catch!

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Yah! A fucking cold! *cough cough* I’m leaking from every orifice of my FACE! Attractive right? Fucking NO!

I sound like a retarded Seal when I try and talk. Apparently my new nickname is Snuffles. It sounds like a puppet from Mr. Dressup! Ugh! I almost always piss myself when I sneeze! I feel like a 80 year old woman with a bladder problem!

I’m desperately trying not to go to the doctor because I don’t want to violate my body with medicine. So instead, I decided to torture myself a different way. You know what’s worse then drinking Apple cider vinegar in your water? Up chucking the apple cider vinegar water all over yourself and the kitchen table because it tastes like dirty asshole! Don’t ask me how I know what that tastes like! Cause I don’t! I can only assume it would be very very BAD!

I also decided to poison myself with oregano oil in my water. It’s fucking putrid! Like, I would rather drink rat piss! Just thinking of it makes me vomit in my mouth. Fuck.

Wanna know what’s more flattering? Walking around with tissue stuffed in one nose hole so I can breath! Yah! If that’s not hot i don’t know what is.

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Kill me …

Currently Doing…

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Yes, it’s that time again. That lonely and boring time again… *cries* My boyfriend decided to ditch me for like 10 days to go Moose hunting with his dad in Upsala Ontario. Do you know where that is? Butt-Fuck No WHERE! That’s where!  Like North West of Thunder Bay! 18 hour drive to NO WHERE! We could of drove to PEI in that amount of time. POINTLESS!

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Do you see what I see? Absolutely NOTHING!

You can’t be serious…

Just to kill poor innocent Moose. Look at that face! I can’t even with that face!

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Soulless bastards!  =(

Anyway’s where was I.. Oh, I am bored as fuck. Currently playing Super Mario Bros. 2 on my Nintendo 3DS. I feel like a retard because for some fucked up reason, I can’t get by level 5-1 ! I just CAN’T! *Cries* Stupid Stupid STUPID!

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Not to mention Donkey Kong is making me rather uncomfortable. Sitting there all stupid, watching me fail repeatedly….

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Fucking Monkey dick.

Oh and this is my dog Noche…. Thought you should meet him.

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Flattering. Yorki Samurai. *Said in a thick Japanese accent*

This ones better. He looks like Johnny Depp. Pretty sure he can’t see. Mind the mess.

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K Bye!

Demon Child

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Guess what time it is! It’s story time! YAY ! Oh no, what’s that? You don’t care? I don’t blame you *cries* And yes, that is me digging for gold.

I’m here to talk about demon children. Why? Cause I can. Because I dear internet, was in fact, a demon child. One of those kids that you would actually question how the parents never killed it. I was that fucking child! I was destructive, calculated, expensive and just flat out freaking annoying!

As a child, I would put my parents in debt. I had this curious and mischievous nature about me that liked to take shit apart. Not just any shit. Not my toys, not random shit lying around. Not this kid. I would take apart telephones, remote controls, stereo systems, gaming systems, and VCRs. Of course I could take it apart, that was easy part. The hard part was putting it back together again! I never could, so it would just end up being a pile of motherboards, wires, buttons, and other tiny pieces. My parents loved having to go shopping weekly to replace my bad hobby… NOT! Shit like that is expensive and adds up.

My parents till this day, tell me what a destructive kid I was. I think ultimately the best story I was ever told was the time I thought the VCR was hungry, so I decided to feed it a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! HAHAAA! I freaking die even just writing about it! Apparently one day they went to put in a tape to watch a movie and it wouldn’t go. After trying to force it, they took the tape out to notice peanut butter all over the side of it, looked into the VCR, and saw the sandwich! Haha! When questioned, I replied with -” I thought it was hungry” … WoW Jenn. *sigh*

As I got older, I switched to my obsession with fire. I would play with matches, lighters, candles, our gas stove. If it had fire, it was hours of fun. I would set paper, clothes, toys, blinds, and myself on fire. One day, I got ahold of my fathers Zippo and ended up dropping it on the carpet in the upstairs hallway. While it was lit I might add. Umm, I think it’s safe to say we all know what happen. The carpet set on fire and I was grounded for 2 months… I forgot to mention slapped the shit out of as well. *tear* my ass met the wooden spoon that day multiple times. I guess I deserved it.

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In my teenage years, looking back, I can confidently say I scared the shit out of my mom. I’m 100% sure she thought I was possessed and need exorcism. I went through a phase where I enjoyed listening to heavy mental rock, like Slipknot and Rammstein religiously. Not because there was a problem, but because I genuinely liked the music. I will never forget the day I asked her for the Slipknot CD for Christmas. She didn’t know who they were, so she agreed and bought it. The album she picked up was the Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses).. I remember her telling me, she literally thought ‘What the fuck’ to herself when she saw the cover work. That day when I received the CD, I shortly went to my room to play it. Within 4-5 minutes, she had made her way up to my room, slowly opened my door with scared wide eyes, walked over to the CD player, took the disk out, didn’t take the case, and as she walked out said- ” we are going to church right now, go get dressed” …. But MOM! – “No! There is clearly something seriously wrong with you! Lets go!”

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Hahahah! Oh mom! You kill me.

I literally had to start listening to shit like Celine Dion and Gwen Stefani just to make her happy, and most importantly, stop trying to drag me to church. What I would put myself through for them.. Jeez.

Not much later on in my teen years I started listening to beats. Don’t even get me started on how I hated Gino’s and Gina’s! So stupid! But I kinda liked the music, so sure. Why the fuck not. The only thing I never understood was ‘Glow-sticking’ how the hell was that considered dancing?!? But I’ll try anything once. I’m adventurous like that .

So! One day my mom was on her way to the dollar store, so I had asked her to pick me up ‘glows-sticks’ “Mom, I want the big ones! The ones with the string attached to them! Get me 2 please”.. She was the parent who always asked why. Not that I blame her, but still. Her response was – “why do you need those? You going to attack the cats with them?” ….. Ugh’ no mom! I just want them okay? See! The fact she had to ask that! Demon child!

So, she bought them. A few days later I was attempting to ‘glow-sticking’ in my room, while playing beats when she then decided to just walk in on me. I can still remember her face. It’s like it was yesterday. I knew she never understood me, and for good reason. I was such a strange fucking being that you couldn’t understand even if you tried.

What will she do next?

Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents for having to put up with me. Not because I was an extremely terrible kid or anything. Or because they were good parents. Cause they weren’t. But because I know I wouldn’t have the patients to handle me. I would of killed me! I guess what I’m trying to say is, thanks mom and dad for not hanging me or putting me up for adoption. Although, I’m still convinced I was switched at birth and they aren’t my real parents. Blah!

I guess the point of this story is, that if any weird fucker out there one day decides to mate with me and procreate. Good fucking LUCK! Lets hope it carries more of your genes and not mine. And if by some chance you were worse then me. Then, lets not!

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Bikini Mayhem

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Okay, so. After the long and hard process of picking a bathing suit, I’ve come to a decision. I bought the pink and white one (don’t freak out) and the black one with the straps. (The non-hookerish one Paul). The funniest thing I have heard all day was Chewbaccaboobs ahem *Thanks to Navigator :)* But taking Heroponluigi’s advice, I went with the two I liked the most. I want to be different! Whether it’s bad or good! I only paid $23.00 CAD for them both. What a DEAL! *COUGH-Cheap-ass* BUT! But but BUTT! You can never have TOO many bathing suits so, I decided to also buy 2 classic bikinis. *In case they looks gawd awful* I went with black because it doesn’t make me look so much like a lard ass

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What are your thoughts on these two?

I paid $34.67 CAD for both of these! WHAT! DEAL DEAL!

This is the last post on bathing suits I swear. Is this considered soft core porn?

Ps. Still don’t look like those models in the bathing suits. *sob – eats chocolate covered almond*

Bathing Suit Crisis!

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When it comes to shopping and picking outfits for any occasion; I’m beyond hopeless! I might as well wear a giant garbage bag and call it a day. I am currently stuck in a jam picking out a bathing suit(s) for my vacation. I happen to be extremely turned on by the whole tassel look for some reason I can’t even explain. Maybe I secretly want to be a cowgirl….. Maybe not.

Now the bikinis I’ve been looking are for the most part, the same style. Just different colours. I’ve been trying to save money, not because I’m cheap, but frugal 🙂 so I have been searching on Amazon and EBay. Like a boss.

Now I have absolutely no taste when it comes to bathing suits. I’d try and pull off polka dots if I could. But I don’t because I know they make me look fat. Like 50 pounds more fat. Like Shamu size. Okay I’ll stop.

So I’ve chosen 3-4 different COLOURS of the same stupid bathing suit I’ve been drooling over. Thoughts?

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Which colours/style would you prefer? If you even like this sort of look. I find it interesting which, clearly makes me want it more!

P.s – I will not look anything like those bathing suit models. *cries*

Moar!