To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

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A Hormone Malfunction

Have you ever heard of the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’? Well, I have and I can only wish I had listened to those words for this next story I am about to tell you.

If you have been a follower of my blog and have read my posts from many years ago, I suffered from ovarian cysts, I have been on smoothie detoxes, I have become a Vegan.. I do have some health issues but try to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. Over the past two years, I have relocated to Edmonton Alberta where I now reside..momentarily… I currently work at a Naturopathic clinic where I obviously seek treatment now as well. I started working here in May of 2018. If you know anything about Naturopathic doctors or have ever been to one, then you know they prescribe a fuck ton of supplements. Honestly, I am okay with that because I hate pharmaceutical drugs and they try to kill me anyways. I have been seeing one of the doctors here since August and I have to say, she was honestly helping me. I was struggling with anxiety and stress which she basically fixed in under 2 months. Over the last 4 months, she has been trying to figure out if I suffer from a hormone imbalance. She assumed I was “estrogen dominate” from everything I ever told her and my health history.

Just recently before December, I had been suffering with enlarged lymph nodes of my neck. I had seen a walk in doctor to which they sent me for basic blood work to find out if I was dying from Lymphoma as they so bluntly put it. Idiots.. Anyways, my blood work came back normal but my lymph nodes were STILL growing. I wasn’t getting a cold or anything either which usually is the normal response for swollen and enlarged lymph nodes. Four days later, I had a disk slip in my neck, well there yeah go! I figured out WHY they were swollen. It took 2 weeks to recover but I did 🙂 yay me.

Fast forward to a week ago, I am feeling better neck wise, by my lymph nodes are now really painful to the point I can barely get any sleep. I see the Naturopath at my clinic and she recommends I pay for the proper blood work to be done. I spend like 300 and something dollars for 4 different blood work tests and 3 supplements to help deal with my inflammation and hormones? So two of these four tests I paid for are hormone tests since she things I could have a hormone “imbalance”..Okay, sure, I’m curious. I do the blood work, a few days later get my results. All I see is random numbers and the word POSITIVE…Positive? Positive for what?…I try and stay away from google all morning till doctor gets in for her shift. We sit down and she tells me shitty news. One of the tests I did was called an ANA test…(antinuclear antibody) which means it evaluates a person for an autoimmune disease…HERE WE GO… lol

She then tells me my hormones are IN FACT imbalanced.  Apparently the normal ratio for a females progesterone levels are 100-500 (I have no idea what those numbers mean or what measurements they use)…but APPARENTLY my level is 18..EIGHTEEN…that is astronomically LOW… I am laughing but I should be crying.. She then prescribes me MORE supplements and a cream to “balance” my hormones “naturally”…

This is where the fun begins.

Wednesday December  19th 2018

My morning starts like any other. I feel fine otherwise then my neck still being swollen and painful. I take my new supplements and head to work. 3 hours into my shift I start to feel extremely exhausted. I was yawning as if I was sleep deprived…I slept for literally 8 hours and pretty decently too. The yawning becomes unbearable and uncontrollable. I started to time the yawns… they were literally every 2.5 seconds and they were aggressive…Jaw open wide, watering eyes, my eyelids turned purple and black like I was punched in the face. I got nervous/annoyed since I deal with patients and could barely get two words in without a massive yawn. Plus it honestly looked like I was on something… I looked doped up…Because I am a person who likes natural remedies, I went to plug in the diffuser we have in the office and I put some peppermint oil in it to pick me up a bit. It actually helped a lot. This wasn’t a big red flag for me since I’ve taken supplements for years and know your system has to get use to them. By the end of the day I was dragging myself on the floor. I barely made it home and to bed..took awhile to fall asleep though.

Thursday December 20th 2018

I wake up feeling extremely … EXTREMELY exhausted..I hear the alarm go off and I yell “NO” for some random reason… as if my phone or alarm for that matter care how I feel. I slide off the side of the bed and crawl into the bathroom.. dreading turning on the light..for I know what will be staring back at me in the mirror…Image result for morning face

I decide to leave the bathroom and turn the kettle on instead. I am in this phase of my life where I drink like 7-8 cups of David’s Tea a day…and that starts from the moment I wake up. I prepare the loose leaf of choice and then walk to the fridge and open the freezer door for no damn reason. I realize I have no choice but to return to the bathroom.. almost 40% of my morning routine requires me to be in there. Keep in mind I have not turned on a single light in my house yet.

I walk into the bathroom turn on the light and… and nothing ..I look spectacular for someone who feels like they were punched in the face and haven’t slept in a month. Fast forward to 45 mins later (no I did not spend all that time in the bathroom) .. I am headed out the door for work. I feel really strange..almost loopy or delusional. I try and shake it off and make it to work.

My shift was a 9-5 and I barely made it to 1:00 pm. Patients were asking me if I was okay on the account of I looked like hell apparently. My eyelids were a dull purple colour with black rings around my eyes..My face was tingling and numb on the left side, and I had the worst headache and head pressure ever. I was honestly trying to smell the air trying to figure out if I smelt burnt toast. Then… the worst thing happened.. I had a hot flash… I started sweating and turning red. I couldn’t breath and ran for the door. I swung it open and hung my head and upper body out gasping for air. It was minus 13 and I was standing outside sweating! I was BOILING to DEATH outside! I went back inside and tried to have some water and calm down.. initially I thought it was a stroke.. then I thought it was a panic attack… then I had ANOTHER hot flash…. it was starting to make sense.. she was fucking with my hormones and I was going into menopause! I’m 29! I do NOT want to deal with that shit!

I HAD to leave.. I could not stay… I started to turn into a lunatic. I started crying… and sweating.. and then I got angry..and then I made coffee, had a sip and burnt my tongue.. then started to say out loud “WHY” …I am obviously alone when all this happens.. so as these symptoms increase..my level of panic increases… I am sure this is the end of me. I hysterically order an Uber and call my mom to tell her I love her..I start crying and then apologize for being nuts! she assures me I am not nuts but whatever I am on I need to stop taking it.

By the way, if you or anyone you know is having a hot flash… comfort them.. bring them chocolates, flowers, a bottle of whiskey.. cause FUCK do they need it…I am NOT looking forward to menopause.

The ride home was a blur. My mom stayed on the phone with me and I am sure I was telling her how I feel because the driver was looking at me concerned through his mirror. Not the concerned look for my health, more so for himself. That “crazy white people” kinda look. When I arrive home, I get out of the car, say thank you and then slip on a patch of side right outside the car door. In the midst of possibly killing myself, my mom says..”you’re rude, you could of wished him a Merry Christmas..” Still clinging on to the car door for dear life, I manage to say Merry Christmas and he just looks at like with the “okay bitch, let go of my door so I can go please”.. Now finally standing like a baby giraffe that was just born, I close the door and he just takes off like a bat out of hell.

How Rude…

The delusion and hot flashes last until 3 am. That was the last time I got out of bed to stick my head in the freezer. Needless to say I didn’t take any supplements that night.

Friday December 21st 2018

I get up and changed without a major struggle this morning. I decided to not take any supplements again today. I am able to go to work without having a meltdown. Everything is fine until about 1:00 pm. It started when I noticed my fingers were purple and kinda black around the knuckles. At first my panic button was hulk smashed. I got up and ran to the door to see it in better light. I started rubbing at the areas and noticed it was kinda smearing and blending into other parts of my hand…

Okay, odd…I walk back to the desk and look for pen ink anywhere else. Nothing, I look at the chair I am sitting on, the cushion that is usually beige is now purple? Okay, what the heck is going on. I go to the washroom and pull down my pants..too much info I know, but I needed to figure out what was going on!

I am literally Barney from the waist down! My pants! The dye in my black pants are bleeding out all over my skin! I have worn these pants before many times and this have NEVER happened! It must be something in my bloodstream that is pulling the chemicals/dye out of my pants! I start to panic more. I can’t work another 7 hours like this! What if it is toxic or stains my skin?!

The next 30 minutes is complete mayhem..

I take a bottle of hand sanitize into a treatment room and a roll of paper towel. I take my pants off and start pumping hand sanitizer all over my legs and trying to wipe off the dye with paper towels frantically. I started off with a whole roll and almost finished it and there was still ink coming off from my legs! There was purple paper towel all over the floor and my legs were still purple! It looked like a Barney crime scene. At this point, I am running out of time before the doctor comes back to the clinic. Finally after 2 rolls of paper towel, soap, water, hand sanitizer, massage oil, and determination, my legs are starting to look normal.. but there is still dye on me. I do NOT want to put these damn pants back on and deal with this all over again. Plus, I don’t want to sit in the toxic dye that is going into my blood stream! So do you know I do?! I turn myself into the Michelin Man from the waist down! I literally wrap my legs in paper towel (the cheap kind not even the soft one) and keep it in place with scotch tape! All you here is the sound of crinkling every time I walk! You can see I have a something under the pants and it looks bulky and BAD. You can see some paper towel sticking out from the bottom of the pant leg. I CANNOT work like this! I run to the computer and type in our address in google maps followed by clothing stores nearby. There seems to be a women’s fashion store on the other side of the street. Maybe about a 5-10 min walk. I do not have a car here yet in Alberta, so I take the bus..I cannot walk around in public like this plus, the streets are covered in ice and I risk the chance of my klutzy ass falling and getting hit by a car. So what do I do? I call the store.

I call the store and explain my dilemma. They then offer to DELIVER pants to me…Deliver me pants… like a fucking Pizza! I was about to purchase pants over the phone and have it delivered to my office door. 2018 for the WIN..Everything was going to plan until she told me the price for a pair of tights…$150.00 dollars for a pair of tights….

LONG JOHNS DO NOT COST $150 DOLLARS!! UGH

I politely decline.. I would rather take my chances with toxic poisoning… I do not have the kind of money to be dropping $150.00 on leggings… I didn’t want to ask them about their other pants. Clearly this place is a high end women’s boutique for people who apparently print money in their basement.

I as down to 20 mins left before the Doctor returned…So I did why I do best in a panic..I do more stupid things. I walked over to the dollar store and bought a roll of saran wrap. Mhm. you read that right..I covered my entire lower body in plastic wrap so when I start to sweat, the dye under the plastic wrap will intensify and seep deeper into my pours.

And the IDIOT of the year award goes to MOI..

I finish work this way obviously cause what other choice do I have? I could tell the doctor and ask to leave but, after what happen the day before.. I do not wan’t to draw any more attention to myself. I got home and took a 1.5 hour shower. I washed my shame down the drain and went to bed. All that excitement was enough for me.

As I write this, it is currently the afternoon of December 22nd and I am 12 hours and 40 minutes away from flying home for the holidays. I have almost successfully made it to 2019. It has been a struggle to say the least but, the point of all this is to appreciate everyday.

Enjoy the holidays everyone! All the best for the new year! ❤

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS !! ❤

Jenna Out!

 

 

 

 

What Is She up To Now?!

Oh hey! Yes it’s true! I still roam the earth.

Since 2015 started it has been needless to say INSANE! I barely find time to pee any more. No seriously.

Anyway! I’m not going to even bother trying to backtrack… It would take a century.

Okay! So what is it this time?…

IT’ S A 14 DAY SMOOTHIE PLAN! WOOO HOOOO!!! *party cracker sound* No?

YAH! That’s right! I’m going to share with you my 14 day smoothie diet/detox plan that I will torture myself with!

Why? Why on earth would you do that? Well, let me be frank. I suck at diet or detox plans. I typically  last 2 days at most before I turn into a giant bitch. Why do I turn into a giant bitch? Well, it’s simple. Blended fruits and vegetables are not considered a source of food on its own. This is my opinion of course. I need food. Real. Food. Meat, Fish, Rice, Pasta, Bread, Food. I’m obviously exaggerating. But I can drink all the smoothies I want and still be starving because my stomachs all like ” WTF IS THIS LIQUID NONSENSE! FEED ME STEAK BITCH!”… hence why I turn into the devil! I am in constant state of starving to death! I like to eat… I need food to be happy. No joke.

I also need the motivation because well, lets be honest here. Diets that involve a lot of fruits and vegetables, or anything healthy for that matter, will run you a pretty penny. It will end up costing you an arm, a leg, a liver, kidney, a spleen, and in this case because I need to add things that will make my stomach believe there IS food ( seeds, protein powders and other healthy dust shit, etc) why not throw in an entire breast. Ugh.

So initially I was planning on doing a month, but then I was like… who am I kidding. I don’t even think I will last a week! I personally think at this point 14 days is setting the bar to high, but why not humour myself and see how long I can last.

I thought to myself, maybe! Just MAYBE! If I do this publicly… If I fail… everyone will see what a failure I am… But then I remembered I could just delete the posts..hehe.

NO! I will do this! So get ready folks! Get ready for 14 days of bitching, crying, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, emotional breakdowns, and of of course PICTURES! =D  Pictures of all the pretty smoothies I make! YAY?

Isn’t that a boatload of exciting-ness?! Pfft. Whateverrrrrr…. It’s not like I have anything better to write about (lol) Truth.

See ya when I get my Nutri Ninja in the mail! Should be any day now! In the meantime, I’m going to go make me a sandwich. Mmmmm mortadella and salami sandwiches.

KISSES! xoxox!

I Keep Holding On

 

Simply Red – Holding Back The Years

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Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that’s gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I’ve known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
So tight

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That’s all I have today
It’s all I have to say

Beat That Goes Like This

Cosmic Gate & Eric Lumiere – Falling Back

(Mark Sixma Remix)

If you have good taste and are into EDM (electronic dance music) then this is up your ally!

I’ve been way too addicted to SiriusXm radio lately but, it is better then being addicted to drugs. Plus, sharing is caring so..

ENJOY!

LYRICS

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I believe that we can make it
I don’t care what others say
They don’t know the way we love
They’re outside

If you can’t meet me in the middle
Maybe we can compromise a little
Cause our love is worth it all
It’s bigger than the little things we fight
For you I’ll give up all the lives that don’t lift us

We’re falling back in love
Here we are again
Now you’re singing my song
And I’m singing your song

Falling back in love
And we’re both moving
To the beat that goes like this
I’m singing yeah
And oh

We’re falling back in love
We’re falling back in love

Now that we are here together
Let this moment last forever
As I look into your eyes
They’re so bright

I promise I’ll tell you all my secrets
Tell you my fears and face my demons
Cause honestly will bring the light
For you I’ll give up all the lives that don’t lift us

We’re falling back in love
Here we are again
Now you’re singing my song
And I’m singing your song

Falling back in love
And we’re both moving
To the beat that goes like this
I’m singing yeah
And oh

We’re falling back in love…
We’re falling back in love…
We’re falling back in love…
Yeah

October?

Uh…Where the hell did October go? I swear a week ago it was September and we are already in the second last week! Did I slip into a comma of some sort? Being older blows! Time flies way too fast with age.

Anyway, October is one of my favourite months! The gorgeous colours, the comfortable crisp weather, all the festivals and shows that come to Toronto, and of course Halloween!

This month has been pretty eventful I must say. Maybe that’s why it ended so fast.

I went apple picking the day after Thanksgiving. I made apple sauce for DAYS! Did you know you can cause yourself serious constipation with the over consumption of apple sauce? No wonder babies get so easily backed-up ! They are fed way too much apple piss.

Just yesterday I had the luxury of attending Buffer Festival thanks to my best friend Melissa, and seeing one of my many favourite YouTubers! I was so nervous and excited that after the meet and greet… My legs were so shaky I fell down the stairs exiting the stage. Of course leave it to me to make a complete ass out of myself. Moments before I even got on stage, I had a hard laugh at another female who had fallen down the exact stairs in utter shock from meeting her idol. Karma?

November is just around the corner which means it’s time to break out the festive decor!! I can let the Christmas whore out for the next 2 months 😉
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

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November is also the time of the year you stop wasting money on razors and waxing !

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Okay I’m just kidding, that is beyond repulsive. At least keep Jumanji in your underwear.

&& Photo Booth

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