Feeling Truly Alone For The First Time – Off My Chest

I’ve been alive for exactly 30 years and 6 months…If there is one thing I have learnt in my time on earth, females friends are the absolute WORSE. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

Now, let me make a few things clear.. there are exceptions.. as to anything. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

But right now… I am extremely hurt and feel absolutely alone. Never in my life would I picture being friendless and rejected…It REALLY eats at you and makes you question your worth and if there is something wrong with you.

I have always considered myself to be a friendly and social person. People tend to feel comfortable around me and open up to me with ease and trust me immediately. I never has issues making friends. I just found it harder to make female friends since I don’t have a lot in common with most women. I tend to avoid drama, backstabbing, and fakes in general..However, once you are my friend, I will never EVER turn my back on you, hurt you, or make you feel less about yourself. Unfortunately, even if you treat me like absolute shit for no god damn reason, or kick me to the curb once you are done using me, I will still be there, trying to figure out why and if I did something wrong to cause you to treat me this way. Pathetic? Sure.. Loyal? 100%..

Recently over the years, I have started to notice significant changes in the people who are considered my “friends”..

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have lived outside of my home province for about 3 years. Recently, I moved back in November of 2019. Lets call these the golden days, pre-Covid-19. One of the major reasons I moved back home was because I felt super lonely in Alberta. Sure, I had my significant other but that wasn’t enough. I missed my family, my friends, my memories I had from Ontario. I did not feel complete. I wanted to be able to see my friends and hug them, make memories with them, not just speak to them over text or phone call.(Although I will explain how that was not the case entirely because I still made a huge effort to be involved in my friends lives). I hated being so far away when things went downhill..like a parent being ill and you feeling useless from afar. So, just before Christmas, I made my permanent return to a place I thought I had it all… good friends and my family. What a JOKE that was.

It has been almost a year since I have returned and I have seen my “friends” ONCE. Just once. I still don’t believe it was even intentional verses one of my other friends didn’t want be alone with me. It breaks my heart to even talk about this, but it has left me feeling like a complete reject for no reason.

I have this group of girl friends that I use to work with. A group of four including myself. We saw each other all the time at work, and spoke often and made plans outside of work. If it wasn’t all together, it was one on one. But I was always invited and I felt wanted. These girls were there for me during the hardest times in my life. when I lost the most important person in my life.. my grandmother. They also banned together and left the place we all worked and met at because I was let go for no reason. (The reason being I was promised a certain position and raise before corporate took over. Once they did, they were hiring and promoting their own people so they had no choice but to let me go- shit right?) For that, I am forever grateful and will love you forever and always. We were a power team and it felt like nothing could ruin that. Until now.. but why?

During my three years away I made a conscious effort to see my friends every time I visited home (which was often) even if I was only there for 3 days. I also went to Italy with one of the girls for a week. When we went on our annual cottage getaways, I made sure I was there to keep the tradition alive… mainly cause it means the world to me. To have that and share that with people you care about. The point is, even though I was 3 provinces away and lived with my partner… my friends always mattered. It wasn’t until the last cottage getaway we had that I felt unwanted.. felt like a burden.. and I didn’t receive any excitement or attention to the fact I was making an effort to be there. I was not expecting a red fucking carpet or fireworks… but a simple, “hey! I heard you are joining us! awesome! can’t wait” or a “glad to hear you are coming with us. See you soon!”… nothing.. I got literally… nothing…

I spoke to the friend I went to Italy with often.. the other ones always seemed  busy and one in particular NEVER fucking responded to my text messages when I tried to reach out. Let me also say that this one in particular was my friend first in the group of girls. We met first, hit it off first, and talked/hung out all the time. But just like that.. out of no where.. how I was or what I was up too didn’t seem to matter anymore. Her excuse when I would call her out on not answering me was ” Sorry… I get distracted easily.. like a squirrel”.. yet.. she always reaches out to the other two girls in the group and sees them often. I started to feel like she genuinely didn’t want to speak to me and targeted me personally. I also feel like she has become the group ringleader… I could explain why I feel that way.. but I think my examples will speak for themselves.

Anyways, the response I got when one reached out was more along the lines of annoyed. The one who reached out was the ringleader. It wasn’t to say “Hi, glad you are coming”.. It was “Hi, I am making a shopping list for the cottage. What do you want?”..At the time, I was just given diet restrictions from my Naturopathic Doctor.. which I take very seriously. So I was treated more like a pain in the ass and problematic because I had to be careful what I consumed. However! The years prior, one of the girls decided to go vegan out of no where two days before we were heading up because she watched a PETA video on youtube (that did not last long btw) ..and we were bringing up  meat for burgers and hot dogs that year .shopping was also done already….The year after, the friend I went to Italy with also has a list of dietary restrictions because she too, sees the same Naturopath Doctor. But let me tell you, there was never any snide remarks or comments made towards them.. not once. When it’s me though.. my GOD I am just the worst person to have around because I can’t eat nightshade vegetables, meat, and gluten! Hypocrites I tell you…and of course… the one making the BIGGEST stink about it, is the ringleader.. and when she starts on me.. they all start on me.

So, back to what fueled my fire to write this post..the Friday that just passed.

Since Covid-19 took over our lives, it has been very difficult to know if it safe or not to see people who do not live with us or who are family. However, the friend I went to Italy with I had been in contact with via text a few times. I mean, if she responded that was. I felt lately that I was reaching out to say hi and check on her.. but she wasn’t interested in replying or engaging in conversation. We spoke once in May over whatsapp video call. We spoke mostly about her at home working conditions, Covid-19, and things that related to her like her weight loss goals. not much about me was said or questioned.. Just that I was out of work because the clinic was shut down. At the end of the conversation, I had put it out there that if she ever wanted me to come over, we could go for walks if she was interested or even chat in the driveway at a distance. She said sure, that sounds good. Never once did she reach out…I texted her a few times and got no reply back… or she would respond once and then stop. I wont sit here and say it doesn’t hurt.. it eats at you… why don’t my friends want to see me anymore? I mean, I make such an effort to show them they matter and I appreciate their friendship. The feeling/energy is not reciprocated.

Finally on another attempt, I sent her a link of a trip to Portugal that looked interesting. I just sent the link.. nothing more. She responded with, you want to go there? and I said, yeah, would you? She asked a couple of questions and then followed with she wasn’t really interested in Portugal because she doesn’t know much about their history. Fair enough. I said I was open to suggestions and she responded with not knowing when it would be safe to travel again, but we could start to look into it for when we can. Meaning, she might still be interested in traveling with me..a glimpse of hope. She then asks when I work (I am back to work btw since June 1st) and when I would be free to get together. I told her my schedule and she inquired about Friday or the next Friday. This Friday worked so we settled on that. From my understanding it was a get together between the two of us.

On Friday afternoon she texts me to ask whats the plan for the day and then follows it with another text saying ” I asked (ringleader) if she wants to come” …okay?… Like I don’t have a problem with her being there.. but she also hasn’t said boo to me since I’ve been back to Ontario…

When this pandemic started, I reached out to the group of girls individually. Just saying something like ” hey, just reaching out to make sure you and your families are okay and staying safe and healthy.” Italy friend responded, ring leader ignored my phone call and text message, girl who recently got married who no one has really seen since apparently, she it always busy.. responded but only to say “thanks, we are okay”,(we being her and her husband obviously).. there was no “how are you doing?”..  or “haven’t seen you since you moved back.. hope you are well too”….Whoa..just … whoa…wait until I explain the absolute HYPOCRISY when it comes to this recently married friend..It is coming, oh is it coming.

So me and Italy (that is what I will call her for privacy sake) are texting and she says to me. “(ringleader) wants to order sushi from (certain place she always goes to), you in”….do I have a choice? If I said no… I would be ostracized. “Sure” I say.. and then we decide on a time…I am happy to FINALLY see Ringerleader.. but also nervous because I feel at this point.. she is only coming because Italy doesn’t want to be alone with me..but I also take it as an opportunity to voice my concern of feeling avoided in person which is what I most want.. to clear the air.

Before you think that this is ALL in my head.. that I am being super sensitive and emotional.. you are probably not entirely wrong. Am I an over thinker? Yes. Am I more emotional/sensitive and in tune with my feelings and vibes I pick up from others? 100%.. However… this is why rather then assuming and making my own speculations about the situation, I like to approach things head on and ask.. just ask. You wont know unless you fucking ASK.

The evening rolls around and I am headed off to Italy’s house. Nervous, but happy to just be seeing my “friends” after so long. I arrive and she is on the phone with Ringleader who is trying to figure out the food order before she calls the restaurant. When she is finally off the phone, I can’t help but smile and try and read her body language.. would she be open to a hug? I haven’t hugged another person since this whole pandemic shit hit the fan… I long for a friendly hug. She smiles and opens her arms. I immediately place myself into her arms. I missed her… the thought that she might not feel the same vanishes.. I feel a sense of  normalcy once again. We start to head to her backyard where we will be setting up to hang out and eat. As we are chatting I ask if this is the first time she will see Ringleader too (since covid-19… I know she has seen her for sure post Covid). Her response stops me dead in my tracks. ” No, this will be my third time”..I can’t help but say “wow”.. and she looks at me funny… I mean… in all honesty.. I was taken back because she barely spoke to me let alone answered my text messages and advances to get together for walks. I can feel my mood shift instantly.. But, I pull myself together in my head and move forward.

Once we are settled and in conversation, she starts to complain again about her not being physically active enough, not meeting her weight loss goals, etc… I feel it coming.. the comment I want to make.. So, I say it..” hey, I remember putting it out there if you ever wanted to get together and go for walks or doing something active outdoors”.. her response. was no response.. *blink blink*.. “so anyways”.. and she deflected.. Okay…I mean.. you could of addressed it in some sort of way…anything would of been better.

I kind of felt a little turn in my chest where my heart lives… like a little pain that told me…”maybe you are not overthinking this…maybe it is true…”

Phone rings… it is the Ringleader..

Enter the Ringleader

She arrives, we all greet each other.. her first words to me after not seeing me since our last cottage outing in June 2019 (when she was already acting weird) is…”holy you are tanned”… yes.. I am very tanned.. once tends to get stupid tanned when they spend most of their time outdoors walking for miles and miles a day to avoid being at home during a pandemic. We also hugged… it wasn’t our usual long embraces we use to have.. I even felt her pull away and do that little “there there” tap on my back as if to signal “okay, that’s enough”.. I felt that.

While we are eating, Ringleader is chatting about her current life back at work since the reopening. She talks for a good 30-40 mins and when she finishes. She stares at Italy. Italy pipes in and says, “who is next to catch up”..I respond with “you can go next!” She then says, “well, I feel like me and ringleader have seen each other and caught up already, you both have no spoken and seen each other since forever”. I kind of nervously make a “hah” noise.. mainly because … she never gave an actual FUCK to ask me ever since I got back.. she never responded to any of my messages or phone calls.. why would I waste my breath?..

No word of a lie..I look in her direction.. see her facial expression which was like ..

Annoyed GIFs | Tenor

So I said ” Well.. I moved back in November… Covid-19… I am working”…

………….

Ringleaders response “cool”..pulls out her cell phone and checks it… Italy’s response “well that was short and sweet”…My stomach dropped..I was right.

The conversation then picked up about Italy’s work.. back to Ringleaders work.. making fun of me and making me feel like an outcast based on my health conditions…and then on to the attack of recently married girl. Apparently recently married girl is moving 9 hours North with her husband.. I didn’t know this obviously cause no one says shit to me. Italy found out from a Facebook post (I don’t have facebook.. or any social media for that matter).. and no shocker.. Ringleader knew because recently married girl reached out to her (but only because she wanted something.. not to just tell her shes moving).. SO the shit talking started.

“She is always busy, she never has time, she only reaches out when she needs something, the last few times we went up north with her were not enjoyable because she was high or drunk all the time” blah blah blah blah blah… Yet… They always talk to her… involve her in their plans, want her around… make a fucking conscious effort to check on her and see how she is doing!!

Italy had the acidity to say ” I don’t have the energy anymore to put all my time into reaching out to someone who always says no or only talks to me when they want something”..umm… You literally ignore my messages.. even when they are all just to see how you are doing.. Ringleader then makes a point to say ” I message her all the time to see how she is doing”… Thanks… openly admit you fucking respond to people on your phone and actively reach out to people.. just not me.

I sat there listening to this… and while there was a tiny window of silence.. I slipped in.. Well, I am glad you guys are up to date on everything.. feels like I am completely out of the loop and no one informs me of anything anymore.

THE FUCKING LOOK THESE TWO GAVE EACH OTHER… then deflected the conversation! Okay… there is no way I am overthinking this… I am literally fucking expressing how no one talks to me and they just ignore it. Yet, they are both sitting there talking about how recently married girl isn’t the greatest friend… hello? I would pay a lot of money on plane tickets to be with these people when I lived thousands of miles away.. and this recently married girl lives in the same province.. same city.. and never sees them. What.The.HELL.

By this point… I am deflated.. I am trying not to cry… or just get up and leave… mainly because most of the conversation is about me and not in a good way.. just bringing up embarrassing things that happen to me when we worked together.. or when Italy and I traveled together. I just sat there laughing at it.. even though inside it really hurt…

Let me tell you what Ringleader was interested to hear about my life. In the most rude, crude, sarcastic and deeming way says “are you still with, what’s that thing? what’s his face? that person?”…YOU MEAN MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND I’VE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YEARS THAT YOU CLEARLY KNOW SINCE HE WORKED WITH US WHERE WE ALL MET! YOU EVEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONE ON ONE! THAT ONE?

My jaw dropped and I immediately glanced at Italy… even her face was like.. wow.. and she said “oooohhhh” as If I was dissed..Did I forget to mention that these women are older than me? I am 30 and they are 5 and 9 years older…it’s sad people act like this… While I know Ringleader isn’t the biggest fan of my bf.. she doesn’t need to act like a child.

Italy and I prior to the Ringleaders arrival were talking about the cottage and how there was opening in September. How we both wanted to all go. When mentioned in front of the Ringleader. she simply glanced over at Italy, and proceeded to explain how someone she knows that is a medical doctor said there will be another lock down in September. Italy never spoke about it or gave her two sense. That was the end of that conversation. I could not help but feel like… Ringleader didn’t want to converse about the cottage because she didn’t want me going.. the lock down stuff was a planted excuse… our cottage has been open the entire time and accepting their regulars.

All this aside.. Ringleader went home first… me and Italy took a small walk around the block with her dog before going our separate ways. She could obviously tell I was quieter than usual. I am someone who is always happy, laughing and full of what they call “puppy energy”.. Of course, she never addressed it.. I left that night driving home crying to my boyfriend on the phone.. I felt so stupid.. why was I even invited over? To be put in my place? For me to see that they in fact, are trying to push me away… why not just tell me I did something to upset you if that was the case…

On Saturday, the cottage resort owner contacted me since I had put a week on hold for July while I tried to see if my family wanted to go. It was my grandmothers birthday week and I thought it would be nice for all of us to be there in her memory..I was her favorite place to go since before I was born.. she passed away in 2016. The girls and I have been going there since as our annual getaway tradition. He wanted to know if I was still interested. Sadly, I had to decline since no one wanted to go..I could not afford to rent a week all on my own..

While I had him on the phone, I decided to inquire about a weekend in September. They had an opening and I asked him to put us down. I then texted Italy and told her the only dates that were available in September and that I asked for it to be put on hold for us….No response.. 26 hours later.. I text her again .. “thoughts?”.. she responds 2 hours later with “you heard what(Ringleader) said. With there being another lock down, I can’t commit to anything”.. that was it.. after ignoring my first message.. just uses that as a reason. Okay. I hear you loud and clear.

I cried a lot yesterday… being 30.. living back at home for nothing.. in the middle of a pandemic.. with my boyfriend who is in another province.. for friends and family I thought  I had.. The kicker? All I did was move back… am I offending people by being here? Being alive?..

If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever like this at 30.. my answer would be no.. I got a great support system and I am grateful for what I have.

2020 has been many things.. but a rude awakening is one for sure..

Things At 29 I Cannot Live Without

Twenty-nine…how did that happen? When did that happen? Where has the freaking time gone?!

But yes, sadly… I am pushing thirty and I am slowly coming to the realization that this is it.. my twenties are almost over…*SIGH*

With aging… *shutters at the thought* I have realized there are a few things in life that I have found give me true happiness and sanity. Let’s be real for a second shall we? It is 2019, the world we live in is absolutely chaotic. If we didn’t have things that bring us joy and happiness, where would we be? I know where I would be….in a padded room.. that’s for sure. So recently, I had taken the time to think about the things in my life that I am grateful for and that give me happiness if even momentarily. Most of these things are materialistic, but in a weird personal preference sense… if that makes any sense… you know what I mean?

So, without further ado, here are the major things I cannot live without that keep me sane… and not heavily medicated/restrained…

Himalayan Salt Lamps/Crystal Lamps

This is a serious must have for me! Especially in the rooms I spent the most time in. There is nothing more relaxing and more peaceful than the glow these lamps give off. Plus, they have added health benefits like ionizing the air and fight electromagnetic radiation, etc.

Healing Stones & Crystals 

Anyone that knows me knows I keep these things everywhere… literally everywhere.. in my purse, in my work space, all four corners of the house, in every room there is at least 2-4 crystals. Not many people understand the purpose of them, but in short, they can control energy, heal, and protect. They are amazing to have in raw form or crafted into jewellery like bracelets .. which I have many of… guilty..

Essential Oils

Like above, I have literally drawers full of these. Whether its DIYs, bath time, diffusers.. I just need these to calm me down, relieve headaches, clear pimples, wake me up.. you name it, there’s an oil for that!

Epsom Salt & Bath Tubs

This goes without saying… who doesn’t love bath time. I CANNOT live or stay in a place that has only showers… I will, I repeat, WILL DIE…. exaggerating much.. I know.. but seriously, they help me SO much relax, decrease body aches/pains (which I have a lot of.. I’m old remember) I need at least 1-2 baths a week minimum. When I buy my first house it will have a bathtub in every bathroom.. You never know when you’ll need a bath.

Candles & Incense

Okay, I just need to have candles in major rooms of the house.. especially the bathroom cause it sets the mood when I am having a bath. I am not a fan of scented candles unless they are essential oil infused and soy/beeswax. Otherwise, they give me a massive headache and make me gag.. They bring a sense of warmth and energy to a living space that I cannot live without. I love incense sticks, but they have to be natural/organic. My favourite scent I must always have in my house is Nag Champa…It kills ALL odors!

Diffusers

Not only can they disperse my essential oils, they make breathing easier. They add moisture to the air. Obviously nothing like an actual humidifier, but they work well in smaller areas.

Plants

They give me such happiness. Like an indoor forest or garden! Provide clean air and give me a sense of the outdoors/nature when I can’t readily get any in the city.

Sunlight/Natural Lighting/Windows

I can honestly say this is so essential! After living in a basement suit for the past year and a half, I can not begin to explain how important this is to me. I am not a mole person at all! So waking up to darkness and that being the constant state of my living space no matter what is happening outside stresses me out. Seasonal depression is a real thing people! I feel so tired all the time and just annoyed.. but when I’m outside and the sun is out or I wake up and the sun is shining through the window, my day is automatically better!

Tea

If someone were to break into my place and go into my cupboards.. they would think I raided a Davids Tea. I have a billion tins containing all herbal/organic teas. Chamomile, peppermint, lemongrass, white teas, jasmine teas, oolong teas, green teas, detox teas, the list could go on for ever! I love having tea before bed and tea while taking a bath.. it’s called pampering yourself people! We all deserve it from time to time..

Nature

I have always been an outdoors person. Being trapped indoors is torture for me. I’m not someone who enjoys being in the city either. I have always found I am a healthier version of myself and stress free when I’m up north wondering around in a forest or sitting on a dock staring out on a lake. My dream house is somewhere near a forest or wooded area surrounded by trees, lake front property or at least a lake or body of water near by. That’s when I’ lol feel like I’ve achieved ultimate happiness.

Well that’s it!… looking back to what I just listed, I really am getting old 😫

What are things you have found in life you cannot live without? Do you find that the things you once thought you needed the most changed over the years?

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Jenna ❤

Steal Away – Robbie Dupree (1980)

Lyrics

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C’mon and hold me
Just like you told me
Then show me
What I want to know

Why don’t we steal away
Why don’t we steal away
Into the night
I know it ain’t right
Don’t tease me
Why don’t you please me
Then show me
What you came here for

Why don’t we steal away
Why don’t we steal away
Into the night
I know it ain’t right
Into the night, baby
Make it tonight
Oooh

I caught you glancin’ my way
And I know what you’re after
(No second chances tonight)

Why don’t we steal away
Why don’t we steal away
Why don’t we steal away
Why don’t we steal away
Into the night

I know it ain’t right
Into the night
I know it ain’t right
Why don’t we steal away
I know it ain’t right
Into the night, babe
Why don’t we steal away
Make it tonight
Why don’t we steal away

5..4..3..2..1..Go

Image result for live red dot

So I did a thing recently.. something I never thought I could do. I purposely forced myself out of my comfort zone. What did I do you ask? I went live. What does that mean? I streamed. Who the beep cares? ME! I CARE! Because the old me would never have done something that terrifies her!

You might be thinking something along the lines of, “What is so scary about streaming? Literally everyone and their pet dog does it daily”.. While this may be true, I have stated before that I have a crippling fear of being judged and ridiculed. So, me pressing that “Go Live” button really shocked me. Now, I didn’t do anything mind blowing like using a webcam.. baby steps.. But I spoke on mic while I played a video game of my choice for a full hour and thirty-ish minutes. I even had 2-3 people chatting with me and one person even sent me a “raid” of 5 people. If you don’t know what a raid is, kudos to you. A raid is when a streamer sends their viewers from their stream to your stream. I think I explained that right. This is nothing to write home about but it was honestly exhilarating for me. No one (as of yet) insulted my voice that I absolutely hate. No one said (yet) that I am terrible at gaming… I am still too much of a scaredy cat to even turn on the webcam..maybe that will be my next step.

That first time was daunting. I remember my heart beating so fast I could hear it. My hands were shaking and sweaty. All I could think to myself were excuses NOT to do it… But, I found myself counting from 5-1 and then closing my eyes while I clicked the button..That’s it.. I was live. It’s not like there was no going back from that.. I could of just as easily pressed the stop button and ended the “stream”.. but I didn’t. From there, I got my first viewer.. my heart was racing.. I couldn’t find words to say.. I sat there silently just playing the game. Then my second viewer showed up but didn’t stick around.. 15 minutes into the streams the person who had been there started to talk to me..so I started to respond. Soon, there was 3 viewers off and on.. they started to stick around longer. Another person started to talk. I was now an hour and fifteen minutes in. 10 minutes before I finished streaming, I received my very first raid. I was so grateful and so nervous..mainly because now, I felt as if I was responsible to entertain these 5 people who were just watching someone with experience. I ended my stream shortly after, thanked the people who stuck around and went offline.. My mind raced for hours after that and I just wanted to delete the one thing I finally accomplished… speaking to the public.. online.

Since then I have streamed 4 more times. I have 6 followers which might seem like nothing, but they are 6 people who found me entertaining (I think).. My goal is to become affiliate but there is so much discouragement in process of that.. like getting 50 followers, having at least a minimum of 3 people stick around for the next 30 days..It’s easy to stream.. just building an audience is the hard part.. let alone a following.

However, minus looking at the negatives, I am trying to look at the positives. I am trying to build a backbone here. I am trying to get over my fear of public speaking and judgment while being 100% me…

I, for one, think that is something to be proud about.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Have a good day everyone.

Love Jenna ❤

Sign Of The Gypsy Queen – April Wine (1981)

Lyrics

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Lightning smokes on the hill arise
Brought the man with the warning light
Shouting loud, “You had better fly!”
While the darkness can help you hide
Trouble’s comin’ without control
No-one’s stayin’ that’s got a hope
Hurricane at the very least
In the words of the gypsy queen

Sign of the gypsy queen
Pack your things and leave
Word of a woman who knows
Take all your gold and you go

Get my saddle and tie it on
Western wind, who is fast and strong
Jump on back, he’s good and long
We’ll resist ’til we reach the dawn
Runnin’ seems like the best defense
Stayin’ just don’t make any sense
No-one could ever stop it now
Show the cards of the gypsy town

Sign of the gypsy queen
Pack your things and leave
Word of a woman who knows
Take all your gold and you go

A Whiter Shade Of Pale – Procol Harum (1967)

Lyrics

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We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
But the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
As the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
And the waiter brought a tray

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale

She said, “There is no reason
And the truth is plain to see. ”
But I wandered through my playing cards
And they would not let her be
One of sixteen vestal virgins
Who were leaving for the coast
And although my eyes were open wide
They might have just as well been closed

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale

She said, “I’m here on a shore leave,”
Though we were miles at sea.
I pointed out this detail
And forced her to agree,
Saying, “You must be the mermaid
Who took King Neptune for a ride. ”
And she smiled at me so sweetly
That my anger straightway died.

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale

If music be the food of love
Then laughter is it’s queen
And likewise if behind is in front
Then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
Seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
And attacked the ocean bed

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale

Things I Think Are Way TOO Expensive

evil_vegetables_by_opkopkov_dcij92h-fullview

I won’t even ask the question “Have you ever been in the grocery store and just broke out into hysterical laughter because you looked at the price of an single avocado?”…Of course you have! I mean.. who in their in their right mind think’s it is okay to charge $4.00 CAN for a SINGLE AVOCADO?! In Toronto at 13% that is a total of $4.52 that will literally rot if you do not eat in within 12 hours! OR If you are someone who buys them unripe,  they will sit on your counter for 2 weeks being hard as a rock until that one day you don’t check it and then it’s rotten the next. Fuck you avocado..

I had the hardest time yesterday walking through the store yesterday not snapping shit on literally every price tag I saw. I’ll admit that I gravitate towards the items that are “organic” or “non-GMO”.. but even the regular high pesticide/cancer inducing products are OUTRAGEOUSLY priced. If you are someone who follows or knows of the EWG Dirty Dozen, then you know to usually avoid the produce that is listed there… But come on…You have to choose between life or death in these situations..HEY CANADA… WTF?!

Here is a list of items that I “wanted” to buy yesterday that I had to walk away from cause I am not about to take out a line of credit to go grocery shopping for a weeks worth of food!

Organic Spinach

I usually buy the larger container to last me the whole week. I use it in my smoothie every morning for breakfast. If I am able to get to Costco that week, I will usually buy it there. It will run me $3.99 for the big container. Now, while that isn’t bad, the problem with Costco is their shit expires too fast. The expiry dates are usually around 4-5 days after purchasing. In any grocery store I have been in outside of Costco, the big organic container of spinach before tax is $5.99! That is almost 7 DOLLARS AFTER TAX! I use about 1 & 1/2 cup a day in my  smoothie and it still ends up rotting before day 4 or 5! Is this legal?!

Avocados

Fuck you …

Berries

I usually will buy frozen which I know is more expensive. But buying organic berries frozen or not is just… UGH. I had to get a small bag of NOT organic strawberries because I didn’t get them from Costco the weekend before. For a small bag of frozen REGULAR strawberries..$6.99. A small bag of organic strawberries….$11.99.. A big bag of frozen organic mixed berries at Costco -$15.49..a bag of regular frozen mixed berries at Costco $11.49.. THESE ARE ALL BEFORE TAX!

Sweet Potatoes

If you are lucky to find somewhere that sells the organic ones individually, you might get lucky spending ~$3.00-4.00 for 4-5 potatoes. If they only sell them in the bags of 5-6, you are looking at spending $7.00-$9.00 BEFORE tax! The potatoes in the bags are no bigger then a small ginger root! WTF AM I PAYING FOR?!? I’ve seen raisins that are bigger!

Pomegranates

Okay, this really pisses me off.. Why are you charging $5.00 for a ball of seed! For one pomegranate it is literally almost $6.00! All the damn sweat and tears to even eat this damn thing! If someone had to prepare it for me, I can understand a little… BUT WHY

Cauliflower

Forget it…I can’t even get into how stupid the cost of this thing is. Organic or not it is completely out of my diet now. NO ONE WHO MAKES LESS THEN 20 DOLLARS AN HOUR CAN AFFORD YOU! WHY DO YOU EXIST!?!

If any of you share the same frustration as me…let me know if you have any tricks up your sleeve. Maybe you know of a certain grocery store that has sales? Or maybe somewhere were they respect a hard earned dollar so I don’t have to harvest my organs to buy groceries!

Today I felt like a rant. So here it is.

 

 

 

INTO THE BLACK- CHROMATICS (2012)

Lyrics

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My, my
Hey, hey
Rock and Roll
Is here to stay
It’s better to burn out
Than to fade away

My, my
Hey, hey
Out of the blue
Into the black
They give you this
But you pay for that
Once you’re gone
You can never come back
When you’re
Out of the blue
Into the black

The King is gone
But he’s not forgotten
This is the story of Johnny Rotten
It’s better to burn out than it is to rust
The King is gone but he’s not forgotten

Hey, hey
My, my
Rock and Roll
Can never die
There’s more to the picture
Than meets the eye
Hey, hey
My, my

My Trip To Italy

Being Italian and all, I had to visit my land! I traveled back in September 2018 for a week. It was something that was on my bucket list for the longest time that I was finally able to achieve.

The trip consisted of visiting three major cities Rome, Florence, and Venice. With small visits to Assisi, Siena, Bologna, Padua, and Montepulcino. I traveled with a friend that I wouldn’t say I am close with, nor an acquaintance. We use to work together as massage therapists in a clinic back in 2015. We keep in touch an hang out with some of the other girls we worked with at the clinic. I guess we also went as a group to the cottage two times back in 2016 and 2017. I had a pretty good sense of who she is out of work so I randomly said to her one day “we should travel to Italy together”.. she agreed with my proposal.

Two months after our discussion, the trip was booked. We decided that it would be best to fly to Italy together, so I got another plane home for the day before we were scheduled to leave Canada. This is it, my dreams are coming true, I am going to ITALY!

Here are some photos I thought I would share from my trip. There was literally thousands but I won’t torture you 🙂

Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi

Views from Assisi

In the Piazza of Siena

Piazza Del Campo

Siena Duomo

Views from Piazzale Di Michelangelo Firenze

Statute of David

Arno River, Florence

Duomo and Santa Croce

Eating gelato ❤️

Last night in Rome 😦

Bologna

Piazza Bologna

Gondola Rides in Venice

Venice by night St. Mark’s Square (Piazza San Marco) Basilica di San Marco behind us

First Gonadal ride ❤

Views in Montepulciano (Tuscany)

Duomo Basilica de San Pedro

St. Peter’s Basilica

St. Peter’s Basilica – Rome

Ruins in Rome

Colosseum- Rome

Piazza di Spagna – Spanish Steps

Trevi Fountain

Trevi Fountain

Lotta Love – Nicolette Larson (1978)

Lyrics

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It’s gonna take a lotta love
To change the way things are
It’s gonna take a lotta love
Or we won’t get too far

So if you look in my direction
And we don’t see eye to eye
My heart needs protection
And so do I

It’s gonna take a lotta love
To get us through the night
It’s gonna take a lotta love
To make things work out right

So if you are out there waiting
I hope you show up soon
You know
I need relating not solitude

Gotta lotta love
Gotta lotta love

It’s gonna take a lotta love
To change the way things are
It’s gonna take a lotta love
Or we won`t get too far

It’s gonna take a lotta love
It’s gonna take a lotta love

*Skip to 1:07 if you want to get straight to the point. Otherwise, enjoy a great tune with feel good lyrics 🙂

Jenna