I Just Want To Breath… Clean Air

Hello All,

I am writing to you from Edmonton Alberta.. If you are someone who is not up to date with the news, we have forest fires yet again and it is not even summer yet. In Northern Alberta, High Level and many surrounding cities are being evacuated due to progressive forest fires that are spreading. It’s sad to say that only 2 weeks ago, we still had snow. The province couldn’t handle plus 20 weather without bursting into flames… People, global warming is a serious thing! I have been here in Alberta now for the past 3 summers (2016 – 2019) and each one, we’ve suffered from forest fires. Even though I am in Edmonton which is at low risk of having a forest fire obviously, we suffer here with the smoke that blows in. Yesterday I had a meltdown… how important is it you to be able to breath fresh air? To be outdoors? To go on walks, hikes, or runs? Perhaps drive your car to work or take the bus without gagging and suffocating! Heck! I went to a grocery store after work yesterday and it was covered in smoke inside! There was a giant haze from one end to the other! As someone who lives in Canada, we get very little sun and outdoor time as it is. The winters here are long and although they are longer in Alberta…we still have 6-8 months of winter if not more. The idea of being trapped indoors all year round gives me anxiety and depression. The idea of not being able to be outside because the air quality is plus 10.. is terrifying. I had to sleep with a mask on last night because the smoke was still getting into the house even with all the windows shut, and air conditioning on. How scary is that? Even in your own home, your lungs and heart are not safe. Myself and thousands of others have been coughing and wheezing due to poor air quality. I am considered healthy, imagine the people who have respiratory conditions…babies with under developed lungs.. seniors.. How do they feel?..*shivers*

Alberta is a dryer province for sure. All year round it is super dry.. I don’t think humidity exists here in Alberta to be honest. People complain in Ontario about it being TOO humid.. I was never one of them. While Toronto has a lot of smog… you can still breath. Yes, Alberta has more snow then most provinces, but due to global warming, the snow melts at rapid speeds and cannot penetrate the ground fast enough to give it moisture. It is so dry here that the snow that falls turns to ice pretty quick. Temperatures rise fast causing a massive melt then it freezes over again. Winter is long but there isn’t enough snow.. This is not something that is going to just stay in Alberta, this is not something that will change on it’s own… WE need to make a serious change people.. this is our lives at stake here.. our children’s lives…this is our planet and we only have one.. we need to treat it with respect. It’s screaming for help right now and we are choosing to cover our eyes and ears..

I had a mother yesterday cry to me. She told me she woke up yesterday morning crying to her not even 2 year old daughter… “I am so sorry. I am so sorry I can’t give you a better life, this is not what I wanted for you”…Does this not break your heart? It breaks mine. I don’t have children… and this is one of the many reasons why. How can you bring an innocent life into this? We can barely survive! If we don’t make some serious changes, there will be no life. We need to start with being less wasteful. While recycling is good, it is not enough. We need to eliminate plastic all together. We need to invest in eco friendly vehicles. We NEED to stop littering! We need to make changes.. even if they are small.. every change counts! If we vote, we need to vote for the Green Party! Hello people! Wake up please! I know most of us live in places were we don’t suffer from forest fires or other natural disasters, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen eventually! This is not a localized problem! Our air circulates! Our forest fire smoke has traveled as far as Ontario before and it will keep going East, North, South, West, over the fucking oceans! Hello! These are carcinogenics we are breathing in people!

There are so many little things we can do individually to start helping out!

*Carpool, take the bus, ride your bike, walk if its feasible. Or invest in EcoCar if the above are not an option.

*WASTE LESS!!!! HELLO! Start re-purposing glass jars, bottles, containers etc or purchase fancy ones if you are too good for a jar your jam use to be in… jeez..Stainless steel bottles, jars, straws, etc.. Just stop wasting paper and plastic for the love of Moses! There so many eco friendly options out there that it is ridiculous how we still choose to waste! Even things you didn’t think were possible like plastic wrap/saran wrap.. there is a solution to that too now! It’s called Bees wrap, but there are other names for it depending where you are located.

*Stop wasting electricity and water! Are you someone who stands in the shower for 45 mins doing nothing but staring at the wall thinking about what you are going to make for lunch? TURN OFF THE FUCKING WATER YOU ASSHOLE! HOW ABOUT YOU START THINKING ABOUT ALL THE DAMAGE YOU ARE CAUSING WITH YOUR WASTEFUL WAYS! Oh, you like to have your TV on all night long cause you need it to sleep? There are TV settings where you can set a time for your TV to shut off. If you are still awake at that point, maybe it is the TV causing you to be awake so find another solution! Are you someone who likes to have lights on all day long even when you are not at home? Can you explain to me what the fuck you need your bathroom light on 24/7 even when you aren’t at home? If you can give me one good reason as to why, I’ll shut my mouth.

*Consider solar panels for generating electricity… We can still do this while we have sun.. but the more pollution and forest fires we have blocking the fucking sun rays, the less this becomes doable!

There are SO many ways to help combat this problem. If we all work together in doing our part, slowly but surely, we will see a change for better future. Really, all we need to live is clean air, clean water, clean food…clothes are optional. If we don’t do something, we won’t find an inch on this planet with any of those.

I want to see this..

Image result for high level alberta canada

High Level Alberta July 2015

 

not this..

Image result for forest fire alberta 2019

Real photo of High Level Alberta 4 days ago

Image result for forest fire alberta 2019

High Level Alberta

Image result for forest fire alberta 2019

Smoke coverage of Alberta and surrounding Provinces

Things At 29 I Cannot Live Without

Twenty-nine…how did that happen? When did that happen? Where has the freaking time gone?!

But yes, sadly… I am pushing thirty and I am slowly coming to the realization that this is it.. my twenties are almost over…*SIGH*

With aging… *shutters at the thought* I have realized there are a few things in life that I have found give me true happiness and sanity. Let’s be real for a second shall we? It is 2019, the world we live in is absolutely chaotic. If we didn’t have things that bring us joy and happiness, where would we be? I know where I would be….in a padded room.. that’s for sure. So recently, I had taken the time to think about the things in my life that I am grateful for and that give me happiness if even momentarily. Most of these things are materialistic, but in a weird personal preference sense… if that makes any sense… you know what I mean?

So, without further ado, here are the major things I cannot live without that keep me sane… and not heavily medicated/restrained…

Himalayan Salt Lamps/Crystal Lamps

This is a serious must have for me! Especially in the rooms I spent the most time in. There is nothing more relaxing and more peaceful than the glow these lamps give off. Plus, they have added health benefits like ionizing the air and fight electromagnetic radiation, etc.

Healing Stones & Crystals 

Anyone that knows me knows I keep these things everywhere… literally everywhere.. in my purse, in my work space, all four corners of the house, in every room there is at least 2-4 crystals. Not many people understand the purpose of them, but in short, they can control energy, heal, and protect. They are amazing to have in raw form or crafted into jewellery like bracelets .. which I have many of… guilty..

Essential Oils

Like above, I have literally drawers full of these. Whether its DIYs, bath time, diffusers.. I just need these to calm me down, relieve headaches, clear pimples, wake me up.. you name it, there’s an oil for that!

Epsom Salt & Bath Tubs

This goes without saying… who doesn’t love bath time. I CANNOT live or stay in a place that has only showers… I will, I repeat, WILL DIE…. exaggerating much.. I know.. but seriously, they help me SO much relax, decrease body aches/pains (which I have a lot of.. I’m old remember) I need at least 1-2 baths a week minimum. When I buy my first house it will have a bathtub in every bathroom.. You never know when you’ll need a bath.

Candles & Incense

Okay, I just need to have candles in major rooms of the house.. especially the bathroom cause it sets the mood when I am having a bath. I am not a fan of scented candles unless they are essential oil infused and soy/beeswax. Otherwise, they give me a massive headache and make me gag.. They bring a sense of warmth and energy to a living space that I cannot live without. I love incense sticks, but they have to be natural/organic. My favourite scent I must always have in my house is Nag Champa…It kills ALL odors!

Diffusers

Not only can they disperse my essential oils, they make breathing easier. They add moisture to the air. Obviously nothing like an actual humidifier, but they work well in smaller areas.

Plants

They give me such happiness. Like an indoor forest or garden! Provide clean air and give me a sense of the outdoors/nature when I can’t readily get any in the city.

Sunlight/Natural Lighting/Windows

I can honestly say this is so essential! After living in a basement suit for the past year and a half, I can not begin to explain how important this is to me. I am not a mole person at all! So waking up to darkness and that being the constant state of my living space no matter what is happening outside stresses me out. Seasonal depression is a real thing people! I feel so tired all the time and just annoyed.. but when I’m outside and the sun is out or I wake up and the sun is shining through the window, my day is automatically better!

Tea

If someone were to break into my place and go into my cupboards.. they would think I raided a Davids Tea. I have a billion tins containing all herbal/organic teas. Chamomile, peppermint, lemongrass, white teas, jasmine teas, oolong teas, green teas, detox teas, the list could go on for ever! I love having tea before bed and tea while taking a bath.. it’s called pampering yourself people! We all deserve it from time to time..

Nature

I have always been an outdoors person. Being trapped indoors is torture for me. I’m not someone who enjoys being in the city either. I have always found I am a healthier version of myself and stress free when I’m up north wondering around in a forest or sitting on a dock staring out on a lake. My dream house is somewhere near a forest or wooded area surrounded by trees, lake front property or at least a lake or body of water near by. That’s when I’ lol feel like I’ve achieved ultimate happiness.

Well that’s it!… looking back to what I just listed, I really am getting old 😫

What are things you have found in life you cannot live without? Do you find that the things you once thought you needed the most changed over the years?

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Jenna ❤

5..4..3..2..1..Go

Image result for live red dot

So I did a thing recently.. something I never thought I could do. I purposely forced myself out of my comfort zone. What did I do you ask? I went live. What does that mean? I streamed. Who the beep cares? ME! I CARE! Because the old me would never have done something that terrifies her!

You might be thinking something along the lines of, “What is so scary about streaming? Literally everyone and their pet dog does it daily”.. While this may be true, I have stated before that I have a crippling fear of being judged and ridiculed. So, me pressing that “Go Live” button really shocked me. Now, I didn’t do anything mind blowing like using a webcam.. baby steps.. But I spoke on mic while I played a video game of my choice for a full hour and thirty-ish minutes. I even had 2-3 people chatting with me and one person even sent me a “raid” of 5 people. If you don’t know what a raid is, kudos to you. A raid is when a streamer sends their viewers from their stream to your stream. I think I explained that right. This is nothing to write home about but it was honestly exhilarating for me. No one (as of yet) insulted my voice that I absolutely hate. No one said (yet) that I am terrible at gaming… I am still too much of a scaredy cat to even turn on the webcam..maybe that will be my next step.

That first time was daunting. I remember my heart beating so fast I could hear it. My hands were shaking and sweaty. All I could think to myself were excuses NOT to do it… But, I found myself counting from 5-1 and then closing my eyes while I clicked the button..That’s it.. I was live. It’s not like there was no going back from that.. I could of just as easily pressed the stop button and ended the “stream”.. but I didn’t. From there, I got my first viewer.. my heart was racing.. I couldn’t find words to say.. I sat there silently just playing the game. Then my second viewer showed up but didn’t stick around.. 15 minutes into the streams the person who had been there started to talk to me..so I started to respond. Soon, there was 3 viewers off and on.. they started to stick around longer. Another person started to talk. I was now an hour and fifteen minutes in. 10 minutes before I finished streaming, I received my very first raid. I was so grateful and so nervous..mainly because now, I felt as if I was responsible to entertain these 5 people who were just watching someone with experience. I ended my stream shortly after, thanked the people who stuck around and went offline.. My mind raced for hours after that and I just wanted to delete the one thing I finally accomplished… speaking to the public.. online.

Since then I have streamed 4 more times. I have 6 followers which might seem like nothing, but they are 6 people who found me entertaining (I think).. My goal is to become affiliate but there is so much discouragement in process of that.. like getting 50 followers, having at least a minimum of 3 people stick around for the next 30 days..It’s easy to stream.. just building an audience is the hard part.. let alone a following.

However, minus looking at the negatives, I am trying to look at the positives. I am trying to build a backbone here. I am trying to get over my fear of public speaking and judgment while being 100% me…

I, for one, think that is something to be proud about.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Have a good day everyone.

Love Jenna ❤

Happy Valentine’s Day <3 – Inspired Post

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

It’s that time of year again where all the storefronts are covered in red balloons, stuffed animals, heart-shaped chocolates, and of course, cards!

I have never been that person who really cared about Valentine’s day. To be completely honest, the only good thing about it is the next few days after it. DISCOUNT CHOCOLATE FTW 😀

Being in a relationship or not never really changed the way I felt about February 14th. But if I was, the “boyfriend” is usually more gung-ho about it then me. I feel like I get more bothered by the person not saying the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” versus choosing not to physically celebrate it. Does that make any sense? I mean, don’t waste your money on things that are only going to make me fat like chocolates or huge dinners.  Let’s invest money to go on a trip instead of wasting it on jewelry that I will never wear.  A card is fine if you simply MUST spend money. But only if you write in it. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT just hand me a card written by Hallmark. I do have standards.

Personally, it’s always been the thought that counts and thoughts usually do not require money. There are so many cheap.. if not free, calorie friendly, less IN YOUR FACE things that are enjoyable to do for V-Day 🙂

Here are some ideas of things to do on V-Day but, are not exclusive to only V-Day of course:

Going for a walk or skating

Depending on where you live of course.. I live in the North Pole so this might not be the best idea…You could always go outdoor ice skating  if you are not sensitive to the cold. There is such a thing as free indoor community skating rinks too! If you are going for a walk, go somewhere romantic or special. I love nature, so walks in forest or in a creek always make me happy. Go somewhere with different scenery, fresh air, perhaps a place where you can see a really pretty view of the cityscape.

Cook/bake together

Obviously if you do not have things readily at home for you to use, you could go shopping for them. But then that could be just as expensive as going out for dinner (unless it’s McDonald’s run). I almost paid $11 for 4 avocados the other day….WHAT?!

Play video/board games together

This seems self explanatory, but I will elaborate in case. If you and your significant other enjoy video games, find games you are BOTH interested in that are 2 player (unless you like turn based games). Have a drink or make a drinking game out of it (if you drink that is). I elaborated on video games only since I don’t think you can play board games by yourself.. can you? I don’t know, who am I to judge.

Watch a movie

But not just any movie. Your favourite movie(s), or the first movie you two every watched together. Maybe your first date was at a theater! You could re-watch that film you saw and reminisce. Maybe find a movie you’ve both been wanting to see but haven’t had the time for. Or you could always watch a lovely dovey movie if that’s what floats your boat. Make some snacks and curl up on the couch or an air mattress.  Bada-bing-bada-boom. Well, that was ultra Italian of me :/ .. Not sure were that came from but okay.

Give each other massages

You read that right. Light a few candles, put on some ambiance music, and lather each other with oil. It doesn’t need to be a Grade A massage, touch is therapeutic by nature so it’s super relaxing and is a really good way to connect. Plus, it could always lead to fun stuff. But I’m PG *eyeroll* ..So lets keep it moving shall we!

Whatever the above idea leads too..

No description needed…bow chicka bow wow… super unnecessary. Sorry not sorry.

SAYING HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Yes, actually saying the damn fucking words can be something you do if not anything else. You have NO idea how much of a PISS OFF it is to just pretend you are not annoyed all damn day because you never got told “Happy Valentine’s Day!” for 3 fucking years in a ROW until you finally explode with rage…This is not coming from a place of anger at all. Nah, not at all. Ahem.

That being said…

What are your favourite things to do today or what are things you would love to be surprised with? I would love to know!

Hope you all have a great day today!

Love,

Jenna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Somewhat Saved A Life..& It Feels Good

I’m not a hero or anything, I don’t even own a cape, but in today’s day in age, not all wear capes anyways right? I do own a a lot of spandex though..

If you’ve read my recent post, you’ve noticed I’ve been in a darker place lately, struggling if you will. I have recently found myself ending up on the dark side of the web… no, not the dark web, but in places were people talk about how miserable their lives are and reaching out for help. Sometimes, I read the stories to see what other people in the world are up too. I know my problems are minuscule to others who actually are suffering. I have food and a roof over my head for Pete’s sake, I am more than well-off. Reading those stories sometimes give me perspective and open my eyes to what is really going on. We tend to get lost in our current “terrible” situations and forget that there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel. But for some, there isn’t, or maybe…they need help seeing it.

In the past few weeks of reading and searching, I came across a post by an anonymous person who was clearly at their wits end. This post wasn’t beating around the bush at all. There was screams for help that were obviously present. Suicide was definitely something on this persons agenda. I immediately send this person a private message versus responding to the comment section. The message sent read as;

“Hey, if you need someone to talk too, I am here. I won’t try to talk you out of it. But, if you want to someone to hear you out, I’m here”.

This individuals post physically stated that they didn’t want to be persuaded not to do any self harm..so, I thought this would be an incentive to open up without judgement. It worked. Not right away though. I also noticed this persons story was posted 17 hours ago before I sent that message.. I hope I am not too late…

Seven hours later, I get a response. It’s short, not specific, but it does mention how I am the only one who reached out and a thank you. It also mentioned how they recently purchased a rope and are currently practicing knots..Dark, I know..

I would like to say we have been talking now for 5 days. The response time sometimes takes anywhere from 15-24 hours depending on the day. The replies have gotten longer, more detailed, more positive. Well, to be honest.. it’s mixed. The moods change very frequently. But, I have noticed over the course of the 5 days, the change in attitude has become more apparent. The lines that use to read “I don’t feel like things are ever going to get better, it’s better not to be here”. Have transitioned to “maybe I am too young to just give up, maybe things will get better? or not. This world does not feel welcoming”.

This morning after reading their message, I noticed some lol’s.. that is a good sign right? Laughter is medicine is it not? Also, the last sentence really touched my heart and made me smile. It read: “I was having a really bad day yesterday, almost irreparable. But, your message made me feel better for a little while”.

This is why we don’t give up people! There is always someone out there who cares, who will listen. Who genuinely wants to help you without anything in return. If you think about it, I did receive something in return for helping this person. I received a glimpse of hope that this person just might be okay. They live very far away.. On the other side of the world to be exact. But, I can feel better knowing that this person has maybe some spark in their fire to live and push through another day. That is all one can ever hope for.

Live, Love, and always be grateful for what you do have in life. Even if it’s the smallest thing.

Also, I cannot be happier that this was my 100th post. Blessed.

Jenna ❤

The Confessions Of a Lost Soul

Hello to anyone who reads this. I wan’t to share with you a confession. Maybe you can relate to it and maybe you don’t. But it’s about life and life’s journey. How it is ugly and scary and not always what we try and paint it to be.

For those of you who have read my content before, it’s not real. It is, but it’s not. It’s not my voice. It’s an act. Maybe it’s funny to some and not to others. when you are trying to find your voice, your calling, your purpose.. it can sometimes be an act. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat anything I say. I am being real and maybe for the first time, being me. Take it or leave it since no one is forcing you to stay. To be completely honest, I am doing this for me, and maybe someone who can relate that feels the same. The star of the show to today is the feeling  of being” Lost“.

Who are we and what is our actual purpose? I thought I knew years ago, but seriously? I ain’t got a clue. I don’t just mean figuring yourself out like “who am I and how do I define myself?”. This is something we usually figure out in high school or maybe even our early years of adulthood. I would hope realizing who you are doesn’t take forever. It seems like the easiest thing to do. At least for me it was. I realized early on in life that I am the female who doesn’t wear make up, not because she can’t but because it makes her feel like shes hiding herself and her insecurities. But also because she doesn’t know how too and maybe would if she could apply eyeliner without stabbing out her eyeballs and potentially loosing eyesight. Who hates the way she looks most of the time but won’t do anything to change her appearance because, it feels wrong. I am someone who judges people who make physical alterations to their bodies or face because of insecurities.. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t because, it’s a self choice and if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy right? But, I also feel like God (if you believe in one .. or some higher creator) made you a certain way and its unique.. why are you changing that? That being said, here I am hating what I was given but doing absolutely nothing about it. Stupid right?  I wear comfy clothes and normally try to blend in then to stand out. Dressing up makes me nervous because it doesn’t feel like me and I usually get stressed out by it and decide to cancel plans. I am not proud of it but it is who I am. I am someone who enjoys low key surrounds and would be more comfortable and happy at a small local bar or pub then a booming night club. That being said, I love to dance and will force myself to enjoy a night out just to have an excuse to boogie. I am into males but can admit I admire the beauty of a woman. Anyways, moving along.. I am also the person who really really enjoys helping people, making a difference, making someone even for a short while..happy… Yet, cannot for the life of me figure out what makes me happy and what to do in life. Again, dumb.

I love traveling. I love nature. I love animals. I love long walks on the beach or in a forest, I love bodies of water, my favorite animal in the world is the common Loon. I love food. I love socializing. I love music. I love the thought of love. I love summer the most but sometimes winter because I love Christmas time. Something about the lights and the music, the colours… but not the cold.. I hate the cold. I am artsy and like to use my hands. I like to create things from scratch and believe that things that are made by hand mean more then any  store bought gift or money could buy.  I am genuine, I am extremely caring, super sensitive and emotional because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and usually get burnt because of it. I am super in-tuned with my self and the energy that surrounds me. I am a healer and I am super intuitive. I have instincts and intuition that I myself don’t know how to understand. But somehow, I just know…I just sense..I just feel. I am a super simple person who finds the joy in the littlest of things. I am easily amused and I love that about me. The list could go on for days! I love so much, and I am so much yet.. I feel like I have nothing going for me and that I am failing in life. Why?

This year I turn 30…It takes a lot for me to accept that. I have hated.. and I mean HATED my birthday since I turned 15. Every single year since December 15 2014, I dread it. In the morning, I feel emotional… no drive to get out of bed. I turn off all my social media to prevent people sending me wishes. I turn my phone on airplane mode to avoid text messages and phone calls. I never want to celebrate it. I hate the thought of getting older. Why does getting older scare me? Why does getting older scare a lot of people? I know I am not the only one who suffers from this issue. In today’s society, age means experience and experience means success and directions.. to which, I have none. At the age of 30, I thought I  would have had a house already, be settled in the place I want to live and build a family. When I say family, I mean a significant other and a pet. I am not interested in having kids and I’ll tell you why. I myself did not wish to be born in a world like this. If I am struggling to succeed, I would not bring another life into this world for selfish reasons to suffer as well. If I am being honest.. it is only going to get worse. Education = Nothing anymore. Just lines the pockets of institutions and the government. Skills =Nothing. It is all about who you know (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth). I’s all about making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Oh, and also providing and giving opportunities to people who weren’t born and raised in this country… But, I am not going to get into that.

But why is this an expectation we put on ourselves? Why do we assume just because we a certain age, we need to have out shit figure out. We need to know where we are going and what we are doing in life. When I started this blog years ago, I wanted to be a successful blogger. At the time, I was a heavy follower of the YouTube sensation and blogger Jenna Marbles. She was someone I admired because she was herself and didn’t give a shit. At the time, that spoke to me and I thought ” that’s me too”… I have always wanted to be a internet famous person, but when you lack confidence in your appearance.. that is the most difficult thing to do. If I hate the way I look, others will too. they will insult me and cut me down, and I don’t think I am strong enough to let the “hate” roll off my back. Again, being a sensitive and emotional person comes with downfalls.. You get hurt and offend easily. So, I stopped blogging and just gave up that dream all together years ago. I also loved gaming and thought maybe, if being pretty wasn’t an option to be liked on the internet, maybe gaming and streaming would be an option.. But have you seen the gamer girls out there? Wearing makeup, basically sitting half naked in-front of the camera because “sex sells”… I cannot compete with that. For once, not because I don’t think I “look” the part… But because it is not something I would do for popularity. I am not saying that people who don’t go that route still can’t be successful, I’m just saying I don’t want to try and fail.. or be ridiculed. Confidence is everything I guess and that is something I haven’t learnt yet.

For those of you that do not know what I have done for work all these years. I have been a Registered Massage Therapist since 2011. At first, I loved my job. I was helping people, I was interacting with people, I was “self employed” for the most part and, I was damn good at my job. I took pride in actually helping people versus making money. Money wasn’t the end goal for me. It was the feedback and the changes I saw in peoples health. It made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. In 2013 I obtained injuries because I did my job so well. I worked hard not smart… thus, burnt out quick. Slipped discs in my neck lead me to neurological problems and 2-3 visits to a Chiropractor a week on average. A subluxed clavicle on the right side caused me to loose almost all range of motion without causing me severe pain and weakness in my upper body. It limited me from doing many things I enjoyed. Yoga, Zumba, working out, my damn job… I was basically told at the age of 22 to find another career or do surgery that would completely limit me from all range of motion permanently on the right side. Obviously, I listened to to neither and continued working as an RMT. I tried to be smart about it, working part time and trying to find a different job on the side. At the time, I was blessed with a Massage Therapy teaching job back in 2015 and working as a receptionist at a sports clinic. I was working 3 jobs which eventually burnt me out causing me to have to quit everything and run away to British Columbia for a private healing retreat to align myself. The stress was killing me and I would suffer from 5-10 panic attacks a day. All my injuries caused me pain daily, still do.. That alone can cause a slew of stress and depression.

In 2017 I moved to Alberta. Why? It was cheaper to rent and easier to find a job that wasn’t massaging full time. Toronto became very difficult for me to grow. No one would consider hiring me because I was just a person who touches people. My resume meant nothing to anyone hiring. I applied to office jobs, spa front desk work, medical office admin, data entry… you name it.. I applied.. Not one call back for over 5 months. I was obviously still working part time as a RMT which was all I could handle. If I worked more then 3 days a week and treated more then 3-4 people a day, I was dead. I would be crying in pain for days.. nights were sleepless from the amount of pain surging through my neck and shoulders. I was starting to hate my job and regret my choice of even becoming a Massage Therapist. I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay rent let alone feed myself in Toronto. So, I moved here and got a job as a medical office assistant within 2 weeks. I was able to afford rent on my hourly wage on my own. Felt good at first, but that all started to die quickly. I almost immediately started to hate the weather here. The summers were unbearable because the city was always covered in smoke due to the forest fires out west. The winters are SO dry and SO cold and they last for 9 months out of the year. As mentioned, I am a outdoors person.. when you have to spend almost all your time indoors because it’s too cold or going outside might give you lung cancer, there is a problem! I cannot believe I can sit here and say I miss the weather in Ontario.. BUT I DO!..I also missed doing what I do best..helping people…so, I got my Massage Therapy license out here and do that 2 times a week at the same clinic I work at as a MOA. It’s like I can’t escape it.. or maybe it’s because it a comfort thing to me. All I know is, I cannot survive on it alone. Heck, I can only treat 2 people a day after my admin shift. Even then, I’m in pain after.

With all my my family and friends being in Ontario, I obviously feel alone. I made a friend or two but they have their own lives or circle of friends. People in Edmonton I find do not like to make new friends. Especially “outsiders”. I know this seems all over the place, and that’s because I am all over the place, physically and mentally. So bear with me.

It really started to hit me how lost and unsuccessful I felt when I went home for the holidays that just past. I turned 29 on December 15th 2018 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is it..there is nothing left to look forward too”. When I was 27, I hated it but thought.. “I still have 28 and 29 to go”. I did the same when I turned 28. I always made excuses as too why I had more time to figure my shit out. But now, now I feel like I am royally screwed. Time is up Jenn, you have made it to the age where you said you would be successful and you are SO FAR from it. 

At this point in my life, as I sit here and type, all I know is what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a Massage Therapist anymore. I don’t wan’t to be a renter. I don’t want to go spend thousands of dollars of  hard earned money to go back to school for something that may or may not grantee me a job. Or get into a student loan and be in debt for years for the same reason listed above. I don’t want to be a prisoner in a place where I am just lining the pockets of someone else. I don’t want to move back home and live with my parents because to be completely honest, I would rater kill myself then do that. Honestly, the list of things I  DON’T want to do are never ending! But the list of things I want to do is blank! I don’t know what I would even want to take in school if that was something I would entertain. I feel at this point in my life that literally nothing interests me. I only have wants and dreams but no action plan to achieve them.

I want to live in Northern Ontario, have a cottage like house on with lakefront property, with a deck so I can drink my coffee outside  in the mornings, and possibly listen to the sound of Loons calling. In the winters, I want to take off to somewhere hot by an ocean. I want to have a successful business that includes one or if not all of my passions: working with people, working outdoors, working with animals, managing a business that I can leave when I want to travel, working with my hands, being helpful, artsy, unique, and most importantly, being myself! That’s honestly all I got…That is all I can think of that truly makes me happy and makes me want to live another day. the thought of possibly having those things make me want to explode with happiness and say “You’ve done it Jenn, you’ve finally succeeded”… But how do I get there? How do I get there without being miserable? Without setting myself backwards? Without failing? I know failure can equal to greatness.. But how is that guaranteed? It’s not! The fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, the fear of wasting money, time with no certainty of anything… and precious freaking time that you can NEVER get back.. What do you do?

I am lost. I am scared. I am at a point in my life where nothing makes sense.. nothing seems fair. I have worked SO hard in life and with nothing to show for. I literally had nothing. Everything I have or had, any place I’ve gone, anything I own.. I gave myself. I worked for it. I did it. Me. So what happened? Why can’t I move forward anymore? Was that all I was meant to be? A broken Massage Therapist? Am I a coward to say I’ve thought about ending it all?.. I mean, I’m broken, I suffer in pain all the time. I don’t think there has been a day since 2013 where I wasn’t in pain. I am not a pill popper and to be honest, do not take ANY meds for pain. I literally take baths, stretch, meditate, go for massages and Chiro..Nothing seems to help though. I was recently diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease) of my cervical spine which seems to be the culprit for the majority of my symptoms. Guess what? There is no cure. I just have to “cope”. I feel like I have zero direction, barely any friends that genuinely care about me unless it suits them or they gain something, and family.. well.. that’s a whole other story.

This post is not a “pity me” post. This is a somewhere that I feel safe enough to expose the real me. Perhaps reach other people who feel like me or felt like me. What did they do to get on track, to better their life, to fulfill their goals?

If there is one thing I do know, I know that I am a loving, caring, passionate, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, selfless, trustworthy, faithful, committed, hardworking, and usually driven person who has lost her way. I know there is more to me and for me out there… I just don’t know what and when I will finally know. In the meantime, I am trying to hold faith that there is more, that this isn’t the end. Staying positive in the world we live in today is not easy.. I’m holding on… and I hope you are too.

If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations, you’ve won nothing.. nothing but my sincere gratitude.

This is the real me saying goodbye.

Love, Jenna

*PS, sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes.. I wrote this at hyper speed and truly do not care to edit at this current time.

 

 

 

 

To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!