I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly 🙂

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food 😉

 

Ps. Jenna is back

A Trip for a Mission

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I haven’t posted for quite a while. I literally have been a chicken without a head for the past two months.

So what’s the deal? I’m going away for a month to Europe. Right? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? …Maybe if I was considered “normal people.”

To be completely honest, I have been DREADING the whole thing! I leave Monday! My flight is at 9 pm! and I have absolutely no FREAKING idea what I’m doing. The plane tickets and accommodations have been booked for over a month now if not more. Pretty sure I have changed my mind weekly if not daily on if I’m going or not. For the past week since Monday, it has actually progressed to an hourly debate. Just in this past hour before I started writing this post I have broke down and said I’m not going 5 times. My mom is convinced I have completely lost it, and you know what, maybe I have.

Confused yet? Let me clarify. Matt about 5 months ago was preparing to take oversea courses in Europe to in hopes one day become a professional soccer coach. Great right? Life goal, a dream of his since he was a teenager. Lets make a trip out of it. First stop, England. This is where he will be doing his licensing coaching course. For this portion of the trip I will be alone 90% of the time. Which is fine, really. The other portion of the trip will be travelling to Portugal and Spain to stay with some of his family members to cut costs and save on money. Genius right? This all sounds pretty worth while no? A month away in a beautiful part of the world with your partner, what could possibly be so confusing and complicated?

What if everything didn’t make sense any more? What if the situation wasn’t as clear as it use to be? When I say situation, I am referring to the relationship. What if the nature of the relationship had changed along the way? What if it became selfish and one-sided? What do you do then? What if it was based on a viscous circle where the two just never meet? Can your heart be there and not at the time time? If it isn’t, do you give up and walk away? Do you try and salvage what is left in hopes of restoring it?

What if you know whole heartily that things will never change and only progressively get worse? You want to be happy, but don’t know what happiness is. You would of sacrificed everything you had to make sure someone else’s dreams were made possible, but in reality, knew the favour if need be would never be returned. Do you hold on? Who is truly the selfish one?

For every moment reality set in, your heart became an open door. The circle was broken and not even the worlds strongest adhesive could fix it. The circle became exposed to external influence and all of it’s contents inside had slowly seeped out.

This all seems pretty vague, but the connections can be made.

The point is, I have already committed to going and spent the money on a flight and accommodations that I will not be able to get back. Matt is aware of my indecisiveness, but it not affected by it. His path is set and I can “tag along” if I want. Please tell me that I am not the only person who sees a problem with this mentality? This is the mentality I have been battling for past year. Before you start with the personal attacks with who’s fault it is, keep in mind you are not aware of the investments that were made. I am aware of the signs and deep down, want to believe to know what is best for me. But I have to make this mistake to find out.

This is not entirely a giant mistake though. This is a perfect opportunity for me to go there and find direction. Clear my mind, figure out what my next move is going to be to better my life. This is time I need to take care of myself and truly figure out, what does Jenn want? What will make her happy?

I will take all blinders off on this trip. Nothing to  conflict my thoughts. I am leaving my heart behind so my mind can think freely. If there was one thing I always promised myself in life, it was that I would be successful and serve a purpose. I know I am more then capable of that then what I have been producing lately. I need to navigate my life better. I might be young, but times ticking and it’s easier to do things now then when you are in your 30s- 40s.

This trip will be a life and self discovery mission for me. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on other things in life. Other peoples happiness cannot be the reason I exist. I need to make myself happy first, and that’s exactly what I will do.

So as I leave behind my life here for a month, as I board that plane at 9 PM, I will start my life change.

– Jenna

If I Could Go Back

Good afternoon all!

It has been awhile since I posted anything but, I’ve been super busy sorting things out and trying to take care of myself! I have been practicing guitar still! Cover video soon I promise!

To be honest with you, this is not why I am here. I am here to reflect and share a large personal part of my past with you. Why? Not that it matters or anything. I’m not looking to get anything out of this post. It’s just something I feel I would like to share and write about.

Let me start by explaining the reason I have been inspired to write about this. Changes, regrets, the bigger question, “why?”

As you know, I have complained about my job in previous posts about how it has taken it’s toll physically on me. So, lately I have been opening my mind to other career options. As I was doing my research on the requirements to registering, my High School diploma happened to be one of them. My High School diploma? I’m pretty sure that was thrown out YEARS ago. Like, the day I received it years ago. Of course, me not remembering what I had done with it turned into a giant search party. I swear I found every SINGLE  report card from Grade 9-12, but no Diploma. Thanks mom! *thumbs up*

“GO CHECK YOUR YEAR BOOKS, MAYBE IT’S IN ONE OF THEM”- mom

….*sigh*….I dread opening those God-awful books. I’ve contemplated using them as fuel for the BBQ more then once but, that would mean I would have to dig them out first.

Now, unfortunately, I HATED High School. I can honestly say that those were four years of my life I wish I could completely forget. But then again, four years that I also wish I had the chance to go back and do everything differently. Four most important years of my life that have shaped me to be the person I am today, also are the years that I have wasted and, will never be able to relive them again. I can only really say that Grade 10-12 were the worst. Grade 9 was amazing, I wasn’t stupid yet. I made great friends, wasn’t  one of the most “popular” girls (popular being extremely slutty, looking a certain way: (extreme make-up,short kilt, big hair, fake tan) etc. But I was far from unpopular. Besides, that’s not what matters. I had a great first year till grade 10. After that it went downhill.

In the summer after grade 9, I fell in love with a boy. Same age, same goals. We got along perfectly. I fell madly in love. I thought we were going to be together for ever. Be High School sweethearts, get married, have children, live that perfect fantasy life. We dated for a year. Until he cheated on me. That’s when my world fell apart. Oh Jenna, it’s not all that bad! It happens to everyone at one point or another….*sigh*

I was 15 years old, Grade 10. Here I was, starting a new grade, with great new friends, a boyfriend! Life was perfect….HA. Yah right.

I am Italian, my father, an old school Italian from Sicily. Boyfriend, not of the same ethnicity and race. Basically in a nut shell. I was shunned at home because of this. To make matters worse, I was mentally and physically abused at home because of it. My situation at home became so bad that at times I would run away from home and stay at friends houses for the night, sometimes days. Or sleep in my mothers car because I was too afraid to go in the house. It didn’t matter though, I was in love and was willing to lose my whole family for him. Till the day I found out he cheated on me. I will never forget that day. We got into a really bad fight afterwards and he decided to purposely spread lies  about me. These rumours ruined my life. I lost friends, respect from teachers and others who weren’t even my friends, more acquaintances. Students would say hurtful things, teachers would give me dirty looks….And for what? Lies? Rumours? Thing’s that were made up to ruin my life by someone I loved and have given up friends and family for.

I became depressed.  I skipped class alot and sometimes full days. I also started to get poor grades. To make matters worse, I had no family to go to. I would come home from a horrible day of mean High School students to then face my parents lashing out at me, hitting me, calling me horrible names. Hearing them enjoy my suffering was even worse. I hated my life, and this continued all throughout grade 10-11. I gained weight from stress and depression. I was 165 pounds. I looked HORRIBLE. I probably would have started taking drugs if it wasn’t for instrumental music. When things got tough for me at school, I would go to the music room during lunch break and lock myself up in a practice room, cry, and play my flute. It was the only thing that kept me sane.

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At last came Grade 12.  I just wanted it to all be over. Grade 12 became my eye-opening breakthrough. I realized that it was now or never to pull my grades out of the gutter and get my life back on track. I was applying for College that year and was excited to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education). I had co-op that year so I spent alot of the time out of the school and in placement in my elementary school. The rumours died down as they usually do in High School. Old news dies fast. Plus, the ex-boyfriend from hell had dropped out before grade 12 started, so the drama was gone.

I missed my Prom and Graduation since I was head waitress already at the banquet hall I worked at. Both parties ironically were held in my hall, go figure.

Most importantly, my grades were in the high 80’s and 90’s and I had learned alot about myself that year. Looking back, I missed out on alot because I made poor choices. Looking through the year books, I was never really in any extra curricular activities, committees, sports teams. Wasted. Which is why I say, if I could go back and do it all over again, I would do things differently.

Although I can’t look back and say I had the greatest four years of my life and share experiences and stories. I can say that my mistakes and life decisions lead me to be the person that I am today. Strong willed, ambitious, passionate, career oriented, hard working, and defiantly NOT someone’s BITCH. You know I had too 😛

Here are some pictures of my High school photos from grade 9-12. I use them now as motivation to never go backwards. It’s only forwards from now. As the years go by you can tell that my appearances changed. Whether it be hair colour that got progressively got darker like my life did, or gained more weight from the stress and depression. Not to mention my general look. You can tell I was miserable, it showed.

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Grade 9 Photo

grade 10

Grade 10 Photo

grade 11

Grade 11 Photo *shivers*

grade 12

Grade 12 Graduation Photo (God I was huge..Look at that HEAD)

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Me today in the year 2014

This is me today. Although life still is not where I want it to be and I am always suffering in pain from my job. I am happy. I love my job, I love helping people, I love the changes I’ve made in 2013 for myself that I will only continue to make.

I know who I am, I know what I want (most of the time) and I know I am capable of ANYTHING I put my mind too.

– Jenna

Ps. I never did find my High School diploma, so I’m taken extreme measures of going back to my guidance office to claim it. Wish me luck.

Can You Fight Change?

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Why am I having such a hard time upgrading my phone to the new iOS 7? I still have my phone running iOS 5!! My phone has like a minor stroke trying to load any app at all! Even sending and receiving text messages is a struggle for my poor helpless phone. Ah well, I hate the look of the new update software. Too much like android. Screw android! They can lick my ball sack! I wanted apple products! Not android!

Oh! And I quit my crappy job of four years! That’s change! Not to mention, the greatest feeling in the world! Woohoo!

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So my main reason for this post is…. Well, I don’t even know! This is just random babble as ALWAYS 🙂

Matt has his work Christmas party tomorrow and after two years of saying no to going, I said yes. What a retard. Who am I kidding?! I don’t want to go, I hate dressing up! Apparently there is a no Jeans/tights dress code. Great, and here I was thinking I was going to wear a wife beater and overalls :/

I hate these things and I hate dressing up! Mainly cause I never know what to wear! All the girls now a days wear those skanky short dresses and skirts. Me, I want to dress like a Nonna!

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First world problems.

Tis The Season

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I think I can relate this to my previous post. More like an update or continuation per-say. Still haven’t figured anything out nor, do I know where I’m headed still. But I AM making changes. I know for a fact I need to quit one of the places I currently work at, that is slowly but surely taking my soul. Like sucking fucking life vampires. By December, I will have told them to politely kiss my ass as I walk out the front door. I have plenty of interviews coming up throughout the rest of November which gives me hope. They may have to do with my current profession at the moment. But, until I decide to make any serious life decisions that could set me back in life, I need to know I have exhausted all my options and opportunities in my field. Who knows, maybe it is this place that has been setting me back and making it impossible for me to thoroughly enjoy what I do.

Anyway’s! This post is supposed to be uplifting! The annual Santa Claus Parade was in town yesterday which has always been a favourite of mine. Although I’ve never actually gone, watching it on t.v in the comforts of my own home always makes me happy :). I am a total Christmas Slut. I mean that in a positive way I promise! Decorating trees, putting the lights up, baking (trying not to eat what I bake), wearing Santa hats and antlers, those God awful Christmas sweaters that everyone wants to set on fire! Yep, a Christmas freak. Not to mention listening to Christmas music 24/7 and constantly painting my nails in Christmas colours and themes! Did I mention I decorate my bedroom with garland and lights!?! I just love the winter season! It makes me all warm and giddy!

It is also the season where my parents freak out cause I have candles and incenses lit everywhere throughout the house :D. *Ahem* Fire bug *ahem*

People who try and hate on Christmas or my obsessive annoying love for it can kiss my ass and stay away from me! I don’t need you to bring me down! I got enough negativity to do that myself!

Well, I have an interview in the next 15 minutes! Wish me luck! HoHoHoe!

Early Midlife Crisis

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Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

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How To Lose 10 Pounds in 5 Days

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I’m here to share with you my secret to losing 10 pounds in literally 5 days with 6 easy steps!

Step 1- Go on Vacation to the Caribbean (Cuba, Dominican etc.)

Step 2- Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously. Try and eat only 3 times a day with a few snacks in between. But when you do eat, especially at the buffet, try everything.

Step 3- Drink EVERYTHING. Even if you are warned not to consume water unless its bottled. Or to avoid drinks with high amounts of coconut milk because it might upset your stomach. Drink it anyways.

Step 4- Contract Travellers Diarrhea. You may be thinking at this point if not already, “What the fuck is wrong with this moron?!”… It’s okay, I promise you. You’ll thank me later.

Step 5- Spend 99.8% of your life for the next 5 days in the bathroom. To pass the time; create a source of entertainment for yourself. I can guarantee you it gets lonely in there. I like to bastardize songs like “wrecking ball” by Miley Cyrus.
Example- “It came out like a wrecking ball, I’ve never shit so hard before” etc.

Last but not least…

Step 6- Enjoy your new body. After spending 5 days spewing your guts out of your asshole, you deserve to be happy. Those skinny jeans you couldn’t get past your ass will slip right on.

Oh I almost forgot. Make sure after the 5 day plan, head over to your family doctor for a visit so he can prescribe you some serious fucking drugs. Chances are you have a bug or parasite that’s eating you inside out and you could possibly die.

Please use this diet plan at your own risk. I shall not be held accountable for any casualties. I am not a professional dietitian.