Sister Golden Hair – America (1975)

Happy Family day to those who are celebrating today 🙂 Here is another great tune tune!

Enjoy! ❤

Lyrics

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Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed
That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed
I ain’t ready for the altar but I do agree there’s times
When a woman sure can be a friend of mine
Well, I keep on thinkin’ ’bout you, sister golden hair surprise
And I just can’t live without you, can’t you see it in my eyes?
I been one poor correspondent, and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn’t mean you ain’t been on my mind
Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?
Well I tried to fake it, I don’t mind sayin’, I just can’t make it
Well, I keep on thinkin’ ’bout you, sister golden hair surprise
And I just can’t live without you, can’t you see it in my eyes?
Now I been one poor correspondent, and I been too, too hard to find
But it doesn’t mean you ain’t been on my mind
Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?
Well I tried to fake it, I don’t mind sayin’, I just can’t make it
Doo wop doo wop
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Happy Valentine’s Day <3 – Inspired Post

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

It’s that time of year again where all the storefronts are covered in red balloons, stuffed animals, heart-shaped chocolates, and of course, cards!

I have never been that person who really cared about Valentine’s day. To be completely honest, the only good thing about it is the next few days after it. DISCOUNT CHOCOLATE FTW 😀

Being in a relationship or not never really changed the way I felt about February 14th. But if I was, the “boyfriend” is usually more gung-ho about it then me. I feel like I get more bothered by the person not saying the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” versus choosing not to physically celebrate it. Does that make any sense? I mean, don’t waste your money on things that are only going to make me fat like chocolates or huge dinners.  Let’s invest money to go on a trip instead of wasting it on jewelry that I will never wear.  A card is fine if you simply MUST spend money. But only if you write in it. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT just hand me a card written by Hallmark. I do have standards.

Personally, it’s always been the thought that counts and thoughts usually do not require money. There are so many cheap.. if not free, calorie friendly, less IN YOUR FACE things that are enjoyable to do for V-Day 🙂

Here are some ideas of things to do on V-Day but, are not exclusive to only V-Day of course:

Going for a walk or skating

Depending on where you live of course.. I live in the North Pole so this might not be the best idea…You could always go outdoor ice skating  if you are not sensitive to the cold. There is such a thing as free indoor community skating rinks too! If you are going for a walk, go somewhere romantic or special. I love nature, so walks in forest or in a creek always make me happy. Go somewhere with different scenery, fresh air, perhaps a place where you can see a really pretty view of the cityscape.

Cook/bake together

Obviously if you do not have things readily at home for you to use, you could go shopping for them. But then that could be just as expensive as going out for dinner (unless it’s McDonald’s run). I almost paid $11 for 4 avocados the other day….WHAT?!

Play video/board games together

This seems self explanatory, but I will elaborate in case. If you and your significant other enjoy video games, find games you are BOTH interested in that are 2 player (unless you like turn based games). Have a drink or make a drinking game out of it (if you drink that is). I elaborated on video games only since I don’t think you can play board games by yourself.. can you? I don’t know, who am I to judge.

Watch a movie

But not just any movie. Your favourite movie(s), or the first movie you two every watched together. Maybe your first date was at a theater! You could re-watch that film you saw and reminisce. Maybe find a movie you’ve both been wanting to see but haven’t had the time for. Or you could always watch a lovely dovey movie if that’s what floats your boat. Make some snacks and curl up on the couch or an air mattress.  Bada-bing-bada-boom. Well, that was ultra Italian of me :/ .. Not sure were that came from but okay.

Give each other massages

You read that right. Light a few candles, put on some ambiance music, and lather each other with oil. It doesn’t need to be a Grade A massage, touch is therapeutic by nature so it’s super relaxing and is a really good way to connect. Plus, it could always lead to fun stuff. But I’m PG *eyeroll* ..So lets keep it moving shall we!

Whatever the above idea leads too..

No description needed…bow chicka bow wow… super unnecessary. Sorry not sorry.

SAYING HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Yes, actually saying the damn fucking words can be something you do if not anything else. You have NO idea how much of a PISS OFF it is to just pretend you are not annoyed all damn day because you never got told “Happy Valentine’s Day!” for 3 fucking years in a ROW until you finally explode with rage…This is not coming from a place of anger at all. Nah, not at all. Ahem.

That being said…

What are your favourite things to do today or what are things you would love to be surprised with? I would love to know!

Hope you all have a great day today!

Love,

Jenna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Confessions Of a Lost Soul

Hello to anyone who reads this. I wan’t to share with you a confession. Maybe you can relate to it and maybe you don’t. But it’s about life and life’s journey. How it is ugly and scary and not always what we try and paint it to be.

For those of you who have read my content before, it’s not real. It is, but it’s not. It’s not my voice. It’s an act. Maybe it’s funny to some and not to others. when you are trying to find your voice, your calling, your purpose.. it can sometimes be an act. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat anything I say. I am being real and maybe for the first time, being me. Take it or leave it since no one is forcing you to stay. To be completely honest, I am doing this for me, and maybe someone who can relate that feels the same. The star of the show to today is the feeling  of being” Lost“.

Who are we and what is our actual purpose? I thought I knew years ago, but seriously? I ain’t got a clue. I don’t just mean figuring yourself out like “who am I and how do I define myself?”. This is something we usually figure out in high school or maybe even our early years of adulthood. I would hope realizing who you are doesn’t take forever. It seems like the easiest thing to do. At least for me it was. I realized early on in life that I am the female who doesn’t wear make up, not because she can’t but because it makes her feel like shes hiding herself and her insecurities. But also because she doesn’t know how too and maybe would if she could apply eyeliner without stabbing out her eyeballs and potentially loosing eyesight. Who hates the way she looks most of the time but won’t do anything to change her appearance because, it feels wrong. I am someone who judges people who make physical alterations to their bodies or face because of insecurities.. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t because, it’s a self choice and if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy right? But, I also feel like God (if you believe in one .. or some higher creator) made you a certain way and its unique.. why are you changing that? That being said, here I am hating what I was given but doing absolutely nothing about it. Stupid right?  I wear comfy clothes and normally try to blend in then to stand out. Dressing up makes me nervous because it doesn’t feel like me and I usually get stressed out by it and decide to cancel plans. I am not proud of it but it is who I am. I am someone who enjoys low key surrounds and would be more comfortable and happy at a small local bar or pub then a booming night club. That being said, I love to dance and will force myself to enjoy a night out just to have an excuse to boogie. I am into males but can admit I admire the beauty of a woman. Anyways, moving along.. I am also the person who really really enjoys helping people, making a difference, making someone even for a short while..happy… Yet, cannot for the life of me figure out what makes me happy and what to do in life. Again, dumb.

I love traveling. I love nature. I love animals. I love long walks on the beach or in a forest, I love bodies of water, my favorite animal in the world is the common Loon. I love food. I love socializing. I love music. I love the thought of love. I love summer the most but sometimes winter because I love Christmas time. Something about the lights and the music, the colours… but not the cold.. I hate the cold. I am artsy and like to use my hands. I like to create things from scratch and believe that things that are made by hand mean more then any  store bought gift or money could buy.  I am genuine, I am extremely caring, super sensitive and emotional because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and usually get burnt because of it. I am super in-tuned with my self and the energy that surrounds me. I am a healer and I am super intuitive. I have instincts and intuition that I myself don’t know how to understand. But somehow, I just know…I just sense..I just feel. I am a super simple person who finds the joy in the littlest of things. I am easily amused and I love that about me. The list could go on for days! I love so much, and I am so much yet.. I feel like I have nothing going for me and that I am failing in life. Why?

This year I turn 30…It takes a lot for me to accept that. I have hated.. and I mean HATED my birthday since I turned 15. Every single year since December 15 2014, I dread it. In the morning, I feel emotional… no drive to get out of bed. I turn off all my social media to prevent people sending me wishes. I turn my phone on airplane mode to avoid text messages and phone calls. I never want to celebrate it. I hate the thought of getting older. Why does getting older scare me? Why does getting older scare a lot of people? I know I am not the only one who suffers from this issue. In today’s society, age means experience and experience means success and directions.. to which, I have none. At the age of 30, I thought I  would have had a house already, be settled in the place I want to live and build a family. When I say family, I mean a significant other and a pet. I am not interested in having kids and I’ll tell you why. I myself did not wish to be born in a world like this. If I am struggling to succeed, I would not bring another life into this world for selfish reasons to suffer as well. If I am being honest.. it is only going to get worse. Education = Nothing anymore. Just lines the pockets of institutions and the government. Skills =Nothing. It is all about who you know (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth). I’s all about making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Oh, and also providing and giving opportunities to people who weren’t born and raised in this country… But, I am not going to get into that.

But why is this an expectation we put on ourselves? Why do we assume just because we a certain age, we need to have out shit figure out. We need to know where we are going and what we are doing in life. When I started this blog years ago, I wanted to be a successful blogger. At the time, I was a heavy follower of the YouTube sensation and blogger Jenna Marbles. She was someone I admired because she was herself and didn’t give a shit. At the time, that spoke to me and I thought ” that’s me too”… I have always wanted to be a internet famous person, but when you lack confidence in your appearance.. that is the most difficult thing to do. If I hate the way I look, others will too. they will insult me and cut me down, and I don’t think I am strong enough to let the “hate” roll off my back. Again, being a sensitive and emotional person comes with downfalls.. You get hurt and offend easily. So, I stopped blogging and just gave up that dream all together years ago. I also loved gaming and thought maybe, if being pretty wasn’t an option to be liked on the internet, maybe gaming and streaming would be an option.. But have you seen the gamer girls out there? Wearing makeup, basically sitting half naked in-front of the camera because “sex sells”… I cannot compete with that. For once, not because I don’t think I “look” the part… But because it is not something I would do for popularity. I am not saying that people who don’t go that route still can’t be successful, I’m just saying I don’t want to try and fail.. or be ridiculed. Confidence is everything I guess and that is something I haven’t learnt yet.

For those of you that do not know what I have done for work all these years. I have been a Registered Massage Therapist since 2011. At first, I loved my job. I was helping people, I was interacting with people, I was “self employed” for the most part and, I was damn good at my job. I took pride in actually helping people versus making money. Money wasn’t the end goal for me. It was the feedback and the changes I saw in peoples health. It made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. In 2013 I obtained injuries because I did my job so well. I worked hard not smart… thus, burnt out quick. Slipped discs in my neck lead me to neurological problems and 2-3 visits to a Chiropractor a week on average. A subluxed clavicle on the right side caused me to loose almost all range of motion without causing me severe pain and weakness in my upper body. It limited me from doing many things I enjoyed. Yoga, Zumba, working out, my damn job… I was basically told at the age of 22 to find another career or do surgery that would completely limit me from all range of motion permanently on the right side. Obviously, I listened to to neither and continued working as an RMT. I tried to be smart about it, working part time and trying to find a different job on the side. At the time, I was blessed with a Massage Therapy teaching job back in 2015 and working as a receptionist at a sports clinic. I was working 3 jobs which eventually burnt me out causing me to have to quit everything and run away to British Columbia for a private healing retreat to align myself. The stress was killing me and I would suffer from 5-10 panic attacks a day. All my injuries caused me pain daily, still do.. That alone can cause a slew of stress and depression.

In 2017 I moved to Alberta. Why? It was cheaper to rent and easier to find a job that wasn’t massaging full time. Toronto became very difficult for me to grow. No one would consider hiring me because I was just a person who touches people. My resume meant nothing to anyone hiring. I applied to office jobs, spa front desk work, medical office admin, data entry… you name it.. I applied.. Not one call back for over 5 months. I was obviously still working part time as a RMT which was all I could handle. If I worked more then 3 days a week and treated more then 3-4 people a day, I was dead. I would be crying in pain for days.. nights were sleepless from the amount of pain surging through my neck and shoulders. I was starting to hate my job and regret my choice of even becoming a Massage Therapist. I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay rent let alone feed myself in Toronto. So, I moved here and got a job as a medical office assistant within 2 weeks. I was able to afford rent on my hourly wage on my own. Felt good at first, but that all started to die quickly. I almost immediately started to hate the weather here. The summers were unbearable because the city was always covered in smoke due to the forest fires out west. The winters are SO dry and SO cold and they last for 9 months out of the year. As mentioned, I am a outdoors person.. when you have to spend almost all your time indoors because it’s too cold or going outside might give you lung cancer, there is a problem! I cannot believe I can sit here and say I miss the weather in Ontario.. BUT I DO!..I also missed doing what I do best..helping people…so, I got my Massage Therapy license out here and do that 2 times a week at the same clinic I work at as a MOA. It’s like I can’t escape it.. or maybe it’s because it a comfort thing to me. All I know is, I cannot survive on it alone. Heck, I can only treat 2 people a day after my admin shift. Even then, I’m in pain after.

With all my my family and friends being in Ontario, I obviously feel alone. I made a friend or two but they have their own lives or circle of friends. People in Edmonton I find do not like to make new friends. Especially “outsiders”. I know this seems all over the place, and that’s because I am all over the place, physically and mentally. So bear with me.

It really started to hit me how lost and unsuccessful I felt when I went home for the holidays that just past. I turned 29 on December 15th 2018 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is it..there is nothing left to look forward too”. When I was 27, I hated it but thought.. “I still have 28 and 29 to go”. I did the same when I turned 28. I always made excuses as too why I had more time to figure my shit out. But now, now I feel like I am royally screwed. Time is up Jenn, you have made it to the age where you said you would be successful and you are SO FAR from it. 

At this point in my life, as I sit here and type, all I know is what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a Massage Therapist anymore. I don’t wan’t to be a renter. I don’t want to go spend thousands of dollars of  hard earned money to go back to school for something that may or may not grantee me a job. Or get into a student loan and be in debt for years for the same reason listed above. I don’t want to be a prisoner in a place where I am just lining the pockets of someone else. I don’t want to move back home and live with my parents because to be completely honest, I would rater kill myself then do that. Honestly, the list of things I  DON’T want to do are never ending! But the list of things I want to do is blank! I don’t know what I would even want to take in school if that was something I would entertain. I feel at this point in my life that literally nothing interests me. I only have wants and dreams but no action plan to achieve them.

I want to live in Northern Ontario, have a cottage like house on with lakefront property, with a deck so I can drink my coffee outside  in the mornings, and possibly listen to the sound of Loons calling. In the winters, I want to take off to somewhere hot by an ocean. I want to have a successful business that includes one or if not all of my passions: working with people, working outdoors, working with animals, managing a business that I can leave when I want to travel, working with my hands, being helpful, artsy, unique, and most importantly, being myself! That’s honestly all I got…That is all I can think of that truly makes me happy and makes me want to live another day. the thought of possibly having those things make me want to explode with happiness and say “You’ve done it Jenn, you’ve finally succeeded”… But how do I get there? How do I get there without being miserable? Without setting myself backwards? Without failing? I know failure can equal to greatness.. But how is that guaranteed? It’s not! The fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, the fear of wasting money, time with no certainty of anything… and precious freaking time that you can NEVER get back.. What do you do?

I am lost. I am scared. I am at a point in my life where nothing makes sense.. nothing seems fair. I have worked SO hard in life and with nothing to show for. I literally had nothing. Everything I have or had, any place I’ve gone, anything I own.. I gave myself. I worked for it. I did it. Me. So what happened? Why can’t I move forward anymore? Was that all I was meant to be? A broken Massage Therapist? Am I a coward to say I’ve thought about ending it all?.. I mean, I’m broken, I suffer in pain all the time. I don’t think there has been a day since 2013 where I wasn’t in pain. I am not a pill popper and to be honest, do not take ANY meds for pain. I literally take baths, stretch, meditate, go for massages and Chiro..Nothing seems to help though. I was recently diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease) of my cervical spine which seems to be the culprit for the majority of my symptoms. Guess what? There is no cure. I just have to “cope”. I feel like I have zero direction, barely any friends that genuinely care about me unless it suits them or they gain something, and family.. well.. that’s a whole other story.

This post is not a “pity me” post. This is a somewhere that I feel safe enough to expose the real me. Perhaps reach other people who feel like me or felt like me. What did they do to get on track, to better their life, to fulfill their goals?

If there is one thing I do know, I know that I am a loving, caring, passionate, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, selfless, trustworthy, faithful, committed, hardworking, and usually driven person who has lost her way. I know there is more to me and for me out there… I just don’t know what and when I will finally know. In the meantime, I am trying to hold faith that there is more, that this isn’t the end. Staying positive in the world we live in today is not easy.. I’m holding on… and I hope you are too.

If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations, you’ve won nothing.. nothing but my sincere gratitude.

This is the real me saying goodbye.

Love, Jenna

*PS, sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes.. I wrote this at hyper speed and truly do not care to edit at this current time.

 

 

 

 

To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

A Hormone Malfunction

Have you ever heard of the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’? Well, I have and I can only wish I had listened to those words for this next story I am about to tell you.

If you have been a follower of my blog and have read my posts from many years ago, I suffered from ovarian cysts, I have been on smoothie detoxes, I have become a Vegan.. I do have some health issues but try to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. Over the past two years, I have relocated to Edmonton Alberta where I now reside..momentarily… I currently work at a Naturopathic clinic where I obviously seek treatment now as well. I started working here in May of 2018. If you know anything about Naturopathic doctors or have ever been to one, then you know they prescribe a fuck ton of supplements. Honestly, I am okay with that because I hate pharmaceutical drugs and they try to kill me anyways. I have been seeing one of the doctors here since August and I have to say, she was honestly helping me. I was struggling with anxiety and stress which she basically fixed in under 2 months. Over the last 4 months, she has been trying to figure out if I suffer from a hormone imbalance. She assumed I was “estrogen dominate” from everything I ever told her and my health history.

Just recently before December, I had been suffering with enlarged lymph nodes of my neck. I had seen a walk in doctor to which they sent me for basic blood work to find out if I was dying from Lymphoma as they so bluntly put it. Idiots.. Anyways, my blood work came back normal but my lymph nodes were STILL growing. I wasn’t getting a cold or anything either which usually is the normal response for swollen and enlarged lymph nodes. Four days later, I had a disk slip in my neck, well there yeah go! I figured out WHY they were swollen. It took 2 weeks to recover but I did 🙂 yay me.

Fast forward to a week ago, I am feeling better neck wise, by my lymph nodes are now really painful to the point I can barely get any sleep. I see the Naturopath at my clinic and she recommends I pay for the proper blood work to be done. I spend like 300 and something dollars for 4 different blood work tests and 3 supplements to help deal with my inflammation and hormones? So two of these four tests I paid for are hormone tests since she things I could have a hormone “imbalance”..Okay, sure, I’m curious. I do the blood work, a few days later get my results. All I see is random numbers and the word POSITIVE…Positive? Positive for what?…I try and stay away from google all morning till doctor gets in for her shift. We sit down and she tells me shitty news. One of the tests I did was called an ANA test…(antinuclear antibody) which means it evaluates a person for an autoimmune disease…HERE WE GO… lol

She then tells me my hormones are IN FACT imbalanced.  Apparently the normal ratio for a females progesterone levels are 100-500 (I have no idea what those numbers mean or what measurements they use)…but APPARENTLY my level is 18..EIGHTEEN…that is astronomically LOW… I am laughing but I should be crying.. She then prescribes me MORE supplements and a cream to “balance” my hormones “naturally”…

This is where the fun begins.

Wednesday December  19th 2018

My morning starts like any other. I feel fine otherwise then my neck still being swollen and painful. I take my new supplements and head to work. 3 hours into my shift I start to feel extremely exhausted. I was yawning as if I was sleep deprived…I slept for literally 8 hours and pretty decently too. The yawning becomes unbearable and uncontrollable. I started to time the yawns… they were literally every 2.5 seconds and they were aggressive…Jaw open wide, watering eyes, my eyelids turned purple and black like I was punched in the face. I got nervous/annoyed since I deal with patients and could barely get two words in without a massive yawn. Plus it honestly looked like I was on something… I looked doped up…Because I am a person who likes natural remedies, I went to plug in the diffuser we have in the office and I put some peppermint oil in it to pick me up a bit. It actually helped a lot. This wasn’t a big red flag for me since I’ve taken supplements for years and know your system has to get use to them. By the end of the day I was dragging myself on the floor. I barely made it home and to bed..took awhile to fall asleep though.

Thursday December 20th 2018

I wake up feeling extremely … EXTREMELY exhausted..I hear the alarm go off and I yell “NO” for some random reason… as if my phone or alarm for that matter care how I feel. I slide off the side of the bed and crawl into the bathroom.. dreading turning on the light..for I know what will be staring back at me in the mirror…Image result for morning face

I decide to leave the bathroom and turn the kettle on instead. I am in this phase of my life where I drink like 7-8 cups of David’s Tea a day…and that starts from the moment I wake up. I prepare the loose leaf of choice and then walk to the fridge and open the freezer door for no damn reason. I realize I have no choice but to return to the bathroom.. almost 40% of my morning routine requires me to be in there. Keep in mind I have not turned on a single light in my house yet.

I walk into the bathroom turn on the light and… and nothing ..I look spectacular for someone who feels like they were punched in the face and haven’t slept in a month. Fast forward to 45 mins later (no I did not spend all that time in the bathroom) .. I am headed out the door for work. I feel really strange..almost loopy or delusional. I try and shake it off and make it to work.

My shift was a 9-5 and I barely made it to 1:00 pm. Patients were asking me if I was okay on the account of I looked like hell apparently. My eyelids were a dull purple colour with black rings around my eyes..My face was tingling and numb on the left side, and I had the worst headache and head pressure ever. I was honestly trying to smell the air trying to figure out if I smelt burnt toast. Then… the worst thing happened.. I had a hot flash… I started sweating and turning red. I couldn’t breath and ran for the door. I swung it open and hung my head and upper body out gasping for air. It was minus 13 and I was standing outside sweating! I was BOILING to DEATH outside! I went back inside and tried to have some water and calm down.. initially I thought it was a stroke.. then I thought it was a panic attack… then I had ANOTHER hot flash…. it was starting to make sense.. she was fucking with my hormones and I was going into menopause! I’m 29! I do NOT want to deal with that shit!

I HAD to leave.. I could not stay… I started to turn into a lunatic. I started crying… and sweating.. and then I got angry..and then I made coffee, had a sip and burnt my tongue.. then started to say out loud “WHY” …I am obviously alone when all this happens.. so as these symptoms increase..my level of panic increases… I am sure this is the end of me. I hysterically order an Uber and call my mom to tell her I love her..I start crying and then apologize for being nuts! she assures me I am not nuts but whatever I am on I need to stop taking it.

By the way, if you or anyone you know is having a hot flash… comfort them.. bring them chocolates, flowers, a bottle of whiskey.. cause FUCK do they need it…I am NOT looking forward to menopause.

The ride home was a blur. My mom stayed on the phone with me and I am sure I was telling her how I feel because the driver was looking at me concerned through his mirror. Not the concerned look for my health, more so for himself. That “crazy white people” kinda look. When I arrive home, I get out of the car, say thank you and then slip on a patch of side right outside the car door. In the midst of possibly killing myself, my mom says..”you’re rude, you could of wished him a Merry Christmas..” Still clinging on to the car door for dear life, I manage to say Merry Christmas and he just looks at like with the “okay bitch, let go of my door so I can go please”.. Now finally standing like a baby giraffe that was just born, I close the door and he just takes off like a bat out of hell.

How Rude…

The delusion and hot flashes last until 3 am. That was the last time I got out of bed to stick my head in the freezer. Needless to say I didn’t take any supplements that night.

Friday December 21st 2018

I get up and changed without a major struggle this morning. I decided to not take any supplements again today. I am able to go to work without having a meltdown. Everything is fine until about 1:00 pm. It started when I noticed my fingers were purple and kinda black around the knuckles. At first my panic button was hulk smashed. I got up and ran to the door to see it in better light. I started rubbing at the areas and noticed it was kinda smearing and blending into other parts of my hand…

Okay, odd…I walk back to the desk and look for pen ink anywhere else. Nothing, I look at the chair I am sitting on, the cushion that is usually beige is now purple? Okay, what the heck is going on. I go to the washroom and pull down my pants..too much info I know, but I needed to figure out what was going on!

I am literally Barney from the waist down! My pants! The dye in my black pants are bleeding out all over my skin! I have worn these pants before many times and this have NEVER happened! It must be something in my bloodstream that is pulling the chemicals/dye out of my pants! I start to panic more. I can’t work another 7 hours like this! What if it is toxic or stains my skin?!

The next 30 minutes is complete mayhem..

I take a bottle of hand sanitize into a treatment room and a roll of paper towel. I take my pants off and start pumping hand sanitizer all over my legs and trying to wipe off the dye with paper towels frantically. I started off with a whole roll and almost finished it and there was still ink coming off from my legs! There was purple paper towel all over the floor and my legs were still purple! It looked like a Barney crime scene. At this point, I am running out of time before the doctor comes back to the clinic. Finally after 2 rolls of paper towel, soap, water, hand sanitizer, massage oil, and determination, my legs are starting to look normal.. but there is still dye on me. I do NOT want to put these damn pants back on and deal with this all over again. Plus, I don’t want to sit in the toxic dye that is going into my blood stream! So do you know I do?! I turn myself into the Michelin Man from the waist down! I literally wrap my legs in paper towel (the cheap kind not even the soft one) and keep it in place with scotch tape! All you here is the sound of crinkling every time I walk! You can see I have a something under the pants and it looks bulky and BAD. You can see some paper towel sticking out from the bottom of the pant leg. I CANNOT work like this! I run to the computer and type in our address in google maps followed by clothing stores nearby. There seems to be a women’s fashion store on the other side of the street. Maybe about a 5-10 min walk. I do not have a car here yet in Alberta, so I take the bus..I cannot walk around in public like this plus, the streets are covered in ice and I risk the chance of my klutzy ass falling and getting hit by a car. So what do I do? I call the store.

I call the store and explain my dilemma. They then offer to DELIVER pants to me…Deliver me pants… like a fucking Pizza! I was about to purchase pants over the phone and have it delivered to my office door. 2018 for the WIN..Everything was going to plan until she told me the price for a pair of tights…$150.00 dollars for a pair of tights….

LONG JOHNS DO NOT COST $150 DOLLARS!! UGH

I politely decline.. I would rather take my chances with toxic poisoning… I do not have the kind of money to be dropping $150.00 on leggings… I didn’t want to ask them about their other pants. Clearly this place is a high end women’s boutique for people who apparently print money in their basement.

I as down to 20 mins left before the Doctor returned…So I did why I do best in a panic..I do more stupid things. I walked over to the dollar store and bought a roll of saran wrap. Mhm. you read that right..I covered my entire lower body in plastic wrap so when I start to sweat, the dye under the plastic wrap will intensify and seep deeper into my pours.

And the IDIOT of the year award goes to MOI..

I finish work this way obviously cause what other choice do I have? I could tell the doctor and ask to leave but, after what happen the day before.. I do not wan’t to draw any more attention to myself. I got home and took a 1.5 hour shower. I washed my shame down the drain and went to bed. All that excitement was enough for me.

As I write this, it is currently the afternoon of December 22nd and I am 12 hours and 40 minutes away from flying home for the holidays. I have almost successfully made it to 2019. It has been a struggle to say the least but, the point of all this is to appreciate everyday.

Enjoy the holidays everyone! All the best for the new year! ❤

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS !! ❤

Jenna Out!

 

 

 

 

I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly 🙂

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food 😉

 

Ps. Jenna is back

The Power of Touch

hands-touching-image

I wanted to share the most beautiful thing that I able to witness and be apart of today. I was blessed with my first experience of treating an autistic young woman today in a couples massage with her mother. She had been treated at the clinic before and I was informed she doesn’t stay still and it would be impossible to communicate with her. I have never treated anyone with autism before so I was a little nervous. She wasn’t high functioning so I could not speak to her directly, I had to speak with her mother who was also receiving massage on the table next to her.

During the treatment she was motionless but made cooing noises from time to time. I would ask her mother if she was okay and look at her facial expressions for feedback. It varied from smiles, eyes closed, and blank stares. She always however, looked at her mother and smiled. At one point during the massage her mother and her locked eyes. Her mother lay there smiling at her and she smiled back. Her mother loves her so much and her daughter knows and returns the love. I could feel the energy from her run through me. I felt the love, the happiness, the innocents. I started to tear up just watching them share that moment. It was such a beautiful thing to witness and how it can instantly restore faith in humanity. I know she sensed my emotions because she looked at me and smiled. She watched my face for the rest of the treatment. Touch is one of the most powerful senses. One of the many reasons I love my job.

Have a great weekend!