I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly ūüôā

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food ūüėČ

 

Ps. Jenna is back

Advertisements

I Keep Holding On

 

Simply Red – Holding Back The Years

U+21E9.gif     U+21E9.gif     U+21E9.gif

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that’s gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I’ve known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
So tight

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That’s all I have today
It’s all I have to say

Song Of My Morning

It’s Over – (cover by Miley Cyrus)

I heard this cover by Miley on the Finale of the Chelsea Lately show and fell in love with it.

Enjoy ūüôā

Lyrics

U+21E9.gif       U+21E9.gif     U+21E9.gif

Your baby doesn’t love you any more
Golden days before they end
Whisper secrets to the wind
Your baby won’t be near you any more

Tender nights before they fly
Send falling stars that seem to cry
Your baby doesn’t want you any more
It’s over

It breaks your heart in two, To know she’s been untrue
But oh what will you do? Then she said to you
There’s someone new We’re through We’re through
It’s over It’s over It’s over

All the rainbows in the sky Start to even say goodbye
You won’t be seeing rainbows any more
Setting suns before they fall, Echo to you that’s all that’s all
But you’ll see lonely sunset after all

It’s over It’s over It’s over It’s over

Song Of My Morning

Whatever It Takes- Lifehouse

Currently cannot STOP listening to this song this morning. I’ve had it on loop for since I’ve woken up. Definitely gives me the feels.

Even though they are in the video…..

LYRICS!
U+21E9.gif     U+21E9.gif     U+21E9.gif

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn’t even know

Now there’s a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
Believe it, I can change
I’ll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said, “If we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside, even though it hurts”
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said, “Like it or not, it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me”

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I’ll keep us together
I know you deserve much better

Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
Believe it, I can change
I’ll keep us together
Whatever it takes

Hi, I’m Not Dead

So it has been exactly a month since I have returned from my trip to Europe. Am I late or what?! Late is better then never so here it goes..

On June I departed at 9 pm on my self defining journey. Did I define anything? Not a chance. Did you expect anything more from constantly confused and emotional dame¬†like myself? I did however, make a few changes to my already complicated and beyond confusing life. Let me start off by saying zero F**k’s were given the day I left. Yup, the plane ride- didn’t care. I slept through 90% of the flight. The other 10% was pissing, eating, and complaining that I couldn’t breath. I was violently ill with a sinus infection and was prescribed a nasal spray that was eating a hole through my nasal cavity and possibly causing brain damage. On top of that, really weak antibiotics that WERE NOT helping. So cabin air = death. By the way, this is a big deal to me because, flying gives me major anxiety. So kudos to me for not even having to tranquillize myself (that and the doctor wouldn’t give me any!…Sad face)

When I arrived in England, it was pure chaos. Matt and myself were essentially running around London England with a our luggage. Well, more like Matt was running around.. I was dragged..I would pass out standing leaning up against my luggage any chance I got. Or falling asleep in the tube. It took us a total of 3 hours to locate and arrive at the BnB we had pre-booked like a month in advance.

Moving on, I had explained in previous posts that Matt’s soul purpose of travelling to London England was to complete a soccer course to become a licensed soccer coach. So, that’s what he did. Me, I was left to my own devices. That means, sightseeing and wondering around would have to be by myself. Not a completely terrible thing. Unless, you are horrible with maps, directions, and even worse, walking. The next day after arriving, I decided to go sightseeing while Matt attended his soccer course. I prepared myself the night before with simple directions. Besides, I had my trusty iPhone and its wonderful map functions.

I set out on my adventure in the morning to visit the University of Greenwich. It took me a total of 7 footsteps from the front door to make-out with the side walk. I can’t even lie and pretend that I tripped on anything other then air. Not even 2 minutes from the house and I had bloody knees and wrists. I quickly stood up, brushed myself off, and carried on down the street.¬†Did you know you can get lost with a map? I did! 20 or 30 minutes later, I had become completely LOST. I found a small little park with a pond and some benches and decided to sit down to attempt on locating MYSELF…After failing miserably, I ¬†choose to ask someone in passing for directions. A¬†pleasant young mother with her 2 children walking by seemed like a good option. After being so kind as to point my in the right direction, she then asked with concern if I was okay. When saying yes thank you, I’m fine, she quickly responded with “Are you sure? You are bleeding everywhere” (in a cute British accent of course) I had totally forgot the fact I had fallen and torn apart all four of my limbs due to the fact that being lost took¬†precedence. I assured her I was fine and thanked her kindly for all her help. Then I spat in my sleeve and whipped off the blood from my knees and wrist like anybody would do. Right?

After a gruesome 2 hour walk on what I might add, their side walks are a complete shit show! It’s like walking on the aftermath of a level 8 earthquake! Cracks and lifted pavement, tree roots bursting through the ground every which way! It’s a nightmare! My poor ankles were swollen and bruised for days!!! We are so spoiled with our side walk conditions here in Toronto. Jesus. Back to my story, I made it, alive and in one piece. I stayed there for 3 hours, wandering around, checking out the city. It was beautiful to say the least. That and I was not about to hit it and leave after it took me FOREVER to get there. Got lost on my way home too! Shocker… In a roundabout…My God! I felt like a¬†prairie dog popping out from every exit possible! Needless to say it took me 2 hours to get home when the iPhone clearly states it would of ¬†only taken me 30 minutes if I followed their “suggested” route…. IF I KNEW HOW TO USE A MAP! >.<

This was a daily routine, although, by day 4 it got better. I wasn’t AS hopeless as I started off. Besides, this was the first time I had done anything like this by myself, ever!

Still, I was no closer to figuring out what I was going to do with my life when I  got back to Canada. I did my daily routine of Kijiji searches for jobs or explored University and College websites in hopes of finding something that would peek my interest.

On June 18th we arrived in Porto, Portugal and were being picked up by his Aunt and Uncle to be taken to Vigo, Spain. We were there till about the 25th then headed back to Portugal by a 6 hour bus ride where we stayed in Caldas da Rainha with his Grandparents. Needless to say this time was obviously spent with him and his family sightseeing. Which to be quite honest, wasn’t that bad.

The most interesting day was the 30th, the day before we were heading out back to England. It was a beautiful day, got alot of sightseeing done, almost died from regurgitating my internal organs. It was the weirdest thing. We had just all finished lunch and were now heading to one of this Uncle’s houses, when all the sudden, I started getting a really bad migraine. I tried closing my eyes in the car ride there. But the drive made it worse. Nausea set and in no time, I was screaming for the car to be pulled over so I could expel my soul from my mouth. It was like watching one of those bad movies about the exorcist of Emily Rose. I fell to my knees in a ditch and began ejecting lunch and a very expensive bottle of wine. All I remember was Matt getting out of the car and as he was walking towards me, saying the most insensitive and irritating commentary of life. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much wine”…”Well now you have room for dinner”.. and the worst by far .. “Don’t you dare cry”… Honestly? Can you F***ing lend a hand maybe? Hold my hair? Dare ask if I’m okay?!? What seemed¬†like forever of endless spew-age lasted a grand total of 5 minutes. UGH! I hate Hate HATE! throwing up! *cries* and yes…I do cry when I puke.

This only got worse. They ended up meeting up with his Uncle at some smoke house that is literally all about barbecued meat of all sorts. I love meat. But when I’m nauseous, the smell can drive me up the wall. I must of vomited another 2 times outside of this restaurant. The bathroom was a no go because it reeked of some perfume¬†potpourri shit. Which of course, made my head spin and my stomach turn. I decided it would be best if I would just stay in the car while they ate and lye down. You know, die alone, by myself in the back of a car in a foreign country. I past out for about 15 minutes at a time with interruptions of up-chucking. Matt was kind enough to check on me about an hour later to see if I died or not. How sweet. Unfortunately, when he came to check on me, he had spooked me awake. This resulting in more puking in¬†which I barely got out of the car for. I puked at the side of the car…while Matt yelled “not there!”…then he grabbed a plastic bag from inside the car to then say..”that’s disgusting” and “how flattering”… All I wanted to do by this point was die. Anything would of been better then dry heaving stomach acid. On the drive home, I was in and out of sleep. As we pulled into the driveway, the feeling of throwing up crept up on me. Getting out of the car in a panic to make it to the wash-room, I epically failed and fell at the side of the house in their garden. As I heaved for the last time, I cried as I said “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” …What was I apologizing for? Well, back in Spain, me and Matt had gotten into a giant blow up where I was caught in a lie and lied about not lying…I’m not proud of myself…and obviously felt guilty…Which is why I was apologizing… I felt it was my punishment for being¬†dishonest..Surprisingly after I apologized and recognized my faults, I stopped vomiting? My whole evening was ruined and so was the rest of my night. When I got inside I had passed out till about 5 am in the morning. Did I mention our flight back to England was that very morning and I was not packed at all! Very weak and¬†disoriented, I packed and then went back to sleep till 7 am.

We arrived back in England on the 1st of July. We were to depart back to Canada on the 4th. Matt finished the rest of his course on the 2nd and 3rd. He passed…Yippee? The End.

Not even…. So we got back on the 4th and life has only gotten more intense since then. It has been nothing but an emotional roller-coaster since I’ve returned. My dog was sick…had to take him to the vet. I’m sick, had to take myself to the vet. I have some fluke that decided to welcome it’s self into my liver..? (a Fluke is a parasitic worm by the way…yummy).. besides having major anxiety and stress, I’m also bored-line depressed. I still do the same freaking job that I said I wouldn’t be doing once I returned and my heart is still a mangled mess. So instead of seeking professional help, I decided to play Martha Stewart for a bit to see if that helps. I’ve currently been in the process of renovating my entire room. Change is good right? So is being broke from buying a bed that only pisses you off because it takes up way too much space and you keep smashing your damn knees on the corner of that stupid bed so now it looks like you’ve been doing extreme sports when really you don’t know how to mind space when you freaking walk!!!… I know it’s a run on sentence… It was done intentionally.

Well, there you have it. Now you are officially all caught up with mysterious life.

Here. Pictures. Enjoy.

IMG_5270

University Of Greenwich


IMG_5288

The city of Greenwich


IMG_5295

Darth Vader?


IMG_5303

Tower Bridge


IMG_5304

A random Anglo Saxon cathedral


IMG_5319

St Paul’s Cathedral


IMG_5320

Panoramic shot of the Tower Bridge


IMG_5329

Victoria Tower/ Big Ben


IMG_5342

Buckingham Palace


IMG_5346

Guard at Buckingham Palace


IMG_5349

My poor swollen ankle!


IMG_5386

My bedroom view in Vigo, Spain


IMG_5403

Beach in Vigo, Spain


IMG_5477

Backyard in Portugal


IMG_5495

The beach in Caldas Da Rainha


IMG_5528

You mad bro?


IMG_5531

Holy Chickens


IMG_5551

√ďbidos, Portugal (the City built in a castle)


IMG_5556

√ďbidos, Portugal. I walked along this castle wall!


IMG_5570

√ďbidos, Portugal- Castle wall


IMG_5579

Batalha


IMG_5581

Batalha


IMG_5594

Batalha


IMG_5610

Fatima


IMG_5627

The London Eye


IMG_5634

Boat Tour – Tower Bridge


IMG_5651

The Shard..or my version (The Shart)

 

 

 

 

 

A Trip for a Mission

20140608-221639-80199299.jpg
I haven’t posted for¬†quite a while. I literally have been a chicken without a head for the past two months.

So what’s the deal? I’m going away for a month to Europe. Right? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? …Maybe if I was considered “normal people.”

To be completely honest, I have been DREADING the whole thing! I leave Monday! My flight is at 9 pm! and I have absolutely no FREAKING idea what I’m doing. The plane tickets and accommodations have been booked for over a month now if not more. Pretty sure I have changed my mind weekly if not daily on if I’m going or not. For the past week since Monday, it has actually progressed to an hourly debate. Just in this past hour before I started writing this post I have broke down and said I’m not going 5 times. My mom is convinced¬†I have completely lost it, and you know what, maybe I have.

Confused yet? Let me clarify. Matt about 5 months ago was preparing to take oversea courses in Europe to in hopes one day become a professional soccer coach. Great right? Life goal, a dream of his since he was a teenager. Lets make a trip out of it. First stop, England. This is where he will be doing his licensing coaching course. For this portion of the trip I will be alone 90% of the time. Which is fine, really. The other portion of the trip will be travelling to Portugal and Spain to stay with some of his family members to cut costs and save on money. Genius right? This all sounds pretty worth while no? A month away in a beautiful part of the world with your partner, what could possibly be so confusing and complicated?

What if everything didn’t make sense any more? What if the situation wasn’t as clear as it use to be? When I say situation, I am referring to the relationship. What if the nature of the relationship had changed along the way? What if it became selfish and one-sided? What do you do then? What if it was based on a viscous circle where the two just never meet? Can your heart be there and not at the time time? If it isn’t, do you give up and walk away? Do you try and salvage what is left in hopes of restoring it?

What if you know whole heartily that things will never change and only progressively get worse? You want to be happy, but don’t know what happiness is. You would of sacrificed everything you had to make sure someone else’s dreams were made possible, but in reality, knew the favour if need be would never be returned. Do you hold on? Who is truly the selfish one?

For every moment reality set in, your heart became an open door. The circle was broken and not even the worlds strongest adhesive could fix it. The circle became exposed to external influence and all of it’s contents inside had slowly seeped out.

This all seems pretty vague, but the connections can be made.

The point is, I have already committed to going and spent the money on a flight and accommodations that I will not be able to get back. Matt is aware¬†of my indecisiveness, but it not affected by it. His path is set and I can “tag along” if I want. Please tell me that I am not the only person who sees a problem with this mentality? This is the mentality I have been battling for past year. Before you start with the personal attacks with who’s fault it is, keep in mind you are not aware of the investments that were made. I am aware of the signs and deep down, want to believe to know what is best for me. But I have to make this mistake to find out.

This is not entirely a giant mistake though. This is a perfect opportunity for me to go there and find direction. Clear my mind, figure out what my next move is going to be to better my life. This is time I need to take care of myself and truly figure out, what does Jenn want? What will make her happy?

I will take all blinders off on this trip. Nothing to ¬†conflict my thoughts. I am leaving my heart behind so my mind can think freely. If there was one thing I always promised myself in life, it was that I would be successful and serve a purpose. I know I am more then capable of that then what I have been producing lately. I need to navigate my life better. I might be young, but times ticking and it’s easier to do things now then when you are in your 30s- 40s.

This trip will be a life and self discovery mission for me. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on other things in life. Other peoples happiness cannot be the reason I exist. I need to make myself happy first, and that’s exactly what I will do.

So as I leave behind my life here for a month, as I board that plane at 9 PM, I will start my life change.

– Jenna

Male and Female “Friendships”

20140515-013134.jpg
The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.