Feeling Truly Alone For The First Time – Off My Chest

I’ve been alive for exactly 30 years and 6 months…If there is one thing I have learnt in my time on earth, females friends are the absolute WORSE. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

Now, let me make a few things clear.. there are exceptions.. as to anything. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

But right now… I am extremely hurt and feel absolutely alone. Never in my life would I picture being friendless and rejected…It REALLY eats at you and makes you question your worth and if there is something wrong with you.

I have always considered myself to be a friendly and social person. People tend to feel comfortable around me and open up to me with ease and trust me immediately. I never has issues making friends. I just found it harder to make female friends since I don’t have a lot in common with most women. I tend to avoid drama, backstabbing, and fakes in general..However, once you are my friend, I will never EVER turn my back on you, hurt you, or make you feel less about yourself. Unfortunately, even if you treat me like absolute shit for no god damn reason, or kick me to the curb once you are done using me, I will still be there, trying to figure out why and if I did something wrong to cause you to treat me this way. Pathetic? Sure.. Loyal? 100%..

Recently over the years, I have started to notice significant changes in the people who are considered my “friends”..

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have lived outside of my home province for about 3 years. Recently, I moved back in November of 2019. Lets call these the golden days, pre-Covid-19. One of the major reasons I moved back home was because I felt super lonely in Alberta. Sure, I had my significant other but that wasn’t enough. I missed my family, my friends, my memories I had from Ontario. I did not feel complete. I wanted to be able to see my friends and hug them, make memories with them, not just speak to them over text or phone call.(Although I will explain how that was not the case entirely because I still made a huge effort to be involved in my friends lives). I hated being so far away when things went downhill..like a parent being ill and you feeling useless from afar. So, just before Christmas, I made my permanent return to a place I thought I had it all… good friends and my family. What a JOKE that was.

It has been almost a year since I have returned and I have seen my “friends” ONCE. Just once. I still don’t believe it was even intentional verses one of my other friends didn’t want be alone with me. It breaks my heart to even talk about this, but it has left me feeling like a complete reject for no reason.

I have this group of girl friends that I use to work with. A group of four including myself. We saw each other all the time at work, and spoke often and made plans outside of work. If it wasn’t all together, it was one on one. But I was always invited and I felt wanted. These girls were there for me during the hardest times in my life. when I lost the most important person in my life.. my grandmother. They also banned together and left the place we all worked and met at because I was let go for no reason. (The reason being I was promised a certain position and raise before corporate took over. Once they did, they were hiring and promoting their own people so they had no choice but to let me go- shit right?) For that, I am forever grateful and will love you forever and always. We were a power team and it felt like nothing could ruin that. Until now.. but why?

During my three years away I made a conscious effort to see my friends every time I visited home (which was often) even if I was only there for 3 days. I also went to Italy with one of the girls for a week. When we went on our annual cottage getaways, I made sure I was there to keep the tradition alive… mainly cause it means the world to me. To have that and share that with people you care about. The point is, even though I was 3 provinces away and lived with my partner… my friends always mattered. It wasn’t until the last cottage getaway we had that I felt unwanted.. felt like a burden.. and I didn’t receive any excitement or attention to the fact I was making an effort to be there. I was not expecting a red fucking carpet or fireworks… but a simple, “hey! I heard you are joining us! awesome! can’t wait” or a “glad to hear you are coming with us. See you soon!”… nothing.. I got literally… nothing…

I spoke to the friend I went to Italy with often.. the other ones always seemed  busy and one in particular NEVER fucking responded to my text messages when I tried to reach out. Let me also say that this one in particular was my friend first in the group of girls. We met first, hit it off first, and talked/hung out all the time. But just like that.. out of no where.. how I was or what I was up too didn’t seem to matter anymore. Her excuse when I would call her out on not answering me was ” Sorry… I get distracted easily.. like a squirrel”.. yet.. she always reaches out to the other two girls in the group and sees them often. I started to feel like she genuinely didn’t want to speak to me and targeted me personally. I also feel like she has become the group ringleader… I could explain why I feel that way.. but I think my examples will speak for themselves.

Anyways, the response I got when one reached out was more along the lines of annoyed. The one who reached out was the ringleader. It wasn’t to say “Hi, glad you are coming”.. It was “Hi, I am making a shopping list for the cottage. What do you want?”..At the time, I was just given diet restrictions from my Naturopathic Doctor.. which I take very seriously. So I was treated more like a pain in the ass and problematic because I had to be careful what I consumed. However! The years prior, one of the girls decided to go vegan out of no where two days before we were heading up because she watched a PETA video on youtube (that did not last long btw) ..and we were bringing up  meat for burgers and hot dogs that year .shopping was also done already….The year after, the friend I went to Italy with also has a list of dietary restrictions because she too, sees the same Naturopath Doctor. But let me tell you, there was never any snide remarks or comments made towards them.. not once. When it’s me though.. my GOD I am just the worst person to have around because I can’t eat nightshade vegetables, meat, and gluten! Hypocrites I tell you…and of course… the one making the BIGGEST stink about it, is the ringleader.. and when she starts on me.. they all start on me.

So, back to what fueled my fire to write this post..the Friday that just passed.

Since Covid-19 took over our lives, it has been very difficult to know if it safe or not to see people who do not live with us or who are family. However, the friend I went to Italy with I had been in contact with via text a few times. I mean, if she responded that was. I felt lately that I was reaching out to say hi and check on her.. but she wasn’t interested in replying or engaging in conversation. We spoke once in May over whatsapp video call. We spoke mostly about her at home working conditions, Covid-19, and things that related to her like her weight loss goals. not much about me was said or questioned.. Just that I was out of work because the clinic was shut down. At the end of the conversation, I had put it out there that if she ever wanted me to come over, we could go for walks if she was interested or even chat in the driveway at a distance. She said sure, that sounds good. Never once did she reach out…I texted her a few times and got no reply back… or she would respond once and then stop. I wont sit here and say it doesn’t hurt.. it eats at you… why don’t my friends want to see me anymore? I mean, I make such an effort to show them they matter and I appreciate their friendship. The feeling/energy is not reciprocated.

Finally on another attempt, I sent her a link of a trip to Portugal that looked interesting. I just sent the link.. nothing more. She responded with, you want to go there? and I said, yeah, would you? She asked a couple of questions and then followed with she wasn’t really interested in Portugal because she doesn’t know much about their history. Fair enough. I said I was open to suggestions and she responded with not knowing when it would be safe to travel again, but we could start to look into it for when we can. Meaning, she might still be interested in traveling with me..a glimpse of hope. She then asks when I work (I am back to work btw since June 1st) and when I would be free to get together. I told her my schedule and she inquired about Friday or the next Friday. This Friday worked so we settled on that. From my understanding it was a get together between the two of us.

On Friday afternoon she texts me to ask whats the plan for the day and then follows it with another text saying ” I asked (ringleader) if she wants to come” …okay?… Like I don’t have a problem with her being there.. but she also hasn’t said boo to me since I’ve been back to Ontario…

When this pandemic started, I reached out to the group of girls individually. Just saying something like ” hey, just reaching out to make sure you and your families are okay and staying safe and healthy.” Italy friend responded, ring leader ignored my phone call and text message, girl who recently got married who no one has really seen since apparently, she it always busy.. responded but only to say “thanks, we are okay”,(we being her and her husband obviously).. there was no “how are you doing?”..  or “haven’t seen you since you moved back.. hope you are well too”….Whoa..just … whoa…wait until I explain the absolute HYPOCRISY when it comes to this recently married friend..It is coming, oh is it coming.

So me and Italy (that is what I will call her for privacy sake) are texting and she says to me. “(ringleader) wants to order sushi from (certain place she always goes to), you in”….do I have a choice? If I said no… I would be ostracized. “Sure” I say.. and then we decide on a time…I am happy to FINALLY see Ringerleader.. but also nervous because I feel at this point.. she is only coming because Italy doesn’t want to be alone with me..but I also take it as an opportunity to voice my concern of feeling avoided in person which is what I most want.. to clear the air.

Before you think that this is ALL in my head.. that I am being super sensitive and emotional.. you are probably not entirely wrong. Am I an over thinker? Yes. Am I more emotional/sensitive and in tune with my feelings and vibes I pick up from others? 100%.. However… this is why rather then assuming and making my own speculations about the situation, I like to approach things head on and ask.. just ask. You wont know unless you fucking ASK.

The evening rolls around and I am headed off to Italy’s house. Nervous, but happy to just be seeing my “friends” after so long. I arrive and she is on the phone with Ringleader who is trying to figure out the food order before she calls the restaurant. When she is finally off the phone, I can’t help but smile and try and read her body language.. would she be open to a hug? I haven’t hugged another person since this whole pandemic shit hit the fan… I long for a friendly hug. She smiles and opens her arms. I immediately place myself into her arms. I missed her… the thought that she might not feel the same vanishes.. I feel a sense of  normalcy once again. We start to head to her backyard where we will be setting up to hang out and eat. As we are chatting I ask if this is the first time she will see Ringleader too (since covid-19… I know she has seen her for sure post Covid). Her response stops me dead in my tracks. ” No, this will be my third time”..I can’t help but say “wow”.. and she looks at me funny… I mean… in all honesty.. I was taken back because she barely spoke to me let alone answered my text messages and advances to get together for walks. I can feel my mood shift instantly.. But, I pull myself together in my head and move forward.

Once we are settled and in conversation, she starts to complain again about her not being physically active enough, not meeting her weight loss goals, etc… I feel it coming.. the comment I want to make.. So, I say it..” hey, I remember putting it out there if you ever wanted to get together and go for walks or doing something active outdoors”.. her response. was no response.. *blink blink*.. “so anyways”.. and she deflected.. Okay…I mean.. you could of addressed it in some sort of way…anything would of been better.

I kind of felt a little turn in my chest where my heart lives… like a little pain that told me…”maybe you are not overthinking this…maybe it is true…”

Phone rings… it is the Ringleader..

Enter the Ringleader

She arrives, we all greet each other.. her first words to me after not seeing me since our last cottage outing in June 2019 (when she was already acting weird) is…”holy you are tanned”… yes.. I am very tanned.. once tends to get stupid tanned when they spend most of their time outdoors walking for miles and miles a day to avoid being at home during a pandemic. We also hugged… it wasn’t our usual long embraces we use to have.. I even felt her pull away and do that little “there there” tap on my back as if to signal “okay, that’s enough”.. I felt that.

While we are eating, Ringleader is chatting about her current life back at work since the reopening. She talks for a good 30-40 mins and when she finishes. She stares at Italy. Italy pipes in and says, “who is next to catch up”..I respond with “you can go next!” She then says, “well, I feel like me and ringleader have seen each other and caught up already, you both have no spoken and seen each other since forever”. I kind of nervously make a “hah” noise.. mainly because … she never gave an actual FUCK to ask me ever since I got back.. she never responded to any of my messages or phone calls.. why would I waste my breath?..

No word of a lie..I look in her direction.. see her facial expression which was like ..

Annoyed GIFs | Tenor

So I said ” Well.. I moved back in November… Covid-19… I am working”…

………….

Ringleaders response “cool”..pulls out her cell phone and checks it… Italy’s response “well that was short and sweet”…My stomach dropped..I was right.

The conversation then picked up about Italy’s work.. back to Ringleaders work.. making fun of me and making me feel like an outcast based on my health conditions…and then on to the attack of recently married girl. Apparently recently married girl is moving 9 hours North with her husband.. I didn’t know this obviously cause no one says shit to me. Italy found out from a Facebook post (I don’t have facebook.. or any social media for that matter).. and no shocker.. Ringleader knew because recently married girl reached out to her (but only because she wanted something.. not to just tell her shes moving).. SO the shit talking started.

“She is always busy, she never has time, she only reaches out when she needs something, the last few times we went up north with her were not enjoyable because she was high or drunk all the time” blah blah blah blah blah… Yet… They always talk to her… involve her in their plans, want her around… make a fucking conscious effort to check on her and see how she is doing!!

Italy had the acidity to say ” I don’t have the energy anymore to put all my time into reaching out to someone who always says no or only talks to me when they want something”..umm… You literally ignore my messages.. even when they are all just to see how you are doing.. Ringleader then makes a point to say ” I message her all the time to see how she is doing”… Thanks… openly admit you fucking respond to people on your phone and actively reach out to people.. just not me.

I sat there listening to this… and while there was a tiny window of silence.. I slipped in.. Well, I am glad you guys are up to date on everything.. feels like I am completely out of the loop and no one informs me of anything anymore.

THE FUCKING LOOK THESE TWO GAVE EACH OTHER… then deflected the conversation! Okay… there is no way I am overthinking this… I am literally fucking expressing how no one talks to me and they just ignore it. Yet, they are both sitting there talking about how recently married girl isn’t the greatest friend… hello? I would pay a lot of money on plane tickets to be with these people when I lived thousands of miles away.. and this recently married girl lives in the same province.. same city.. and never sees them. What.The.HELL.

By this point… I am deflated.. I am trying not to cry… or just get up and leave… mainly because most of the conversation is about me and not in a good way.. just bringing up embarrassing things that happen to me when we worked together.. or when Italy and I traveled together. I just sat there laughing at it.. even though inside it really hurt…

Let me tell you what Ringleader was interested to hear about my life. In the most rude, crude, sarcastic and deeming way says “are you still with, what’s that thing? what’s his face? that person?”…YOU MEAN MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND I’VE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YEARS THAT YOU CLEARLY KNOW SINCE HE WORKED WITH US WHERE WE ALL MET! YOU EVEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONE ON ONE! THAT ONE?

My jaw dropped and I immediately glanced at Italy… even her face was like.. wow.. and she said “oooohhhh” as If I was dissed..Did I forget to mention that these women are older than me? I am 30 and they are 5 and 9 years older…it’s sad people act like this… While I know Ringleader isn’t the biggest fan of my bf.. she doesn’t need to act like a child.

Italy and I prior to the Ringleaders arrival were talking about the cottage and how there was opening in September. How we both wanted to all go. When mentioned in front of the Ringleader. she simply glanced over at Italy, and proceeded to explain how someone she knows that is a medical doctor said there will be another lock down in September. Italy never spoke about it or gave her two sense. That was the end of that conversation. I could not help but feel like… Ringleader didn’t want to converse about the cottage because she didn’t want me going.. the lock down stuff was a planted excuse… our cottage has been open the entire time and accepting their regulars.

All this aside.. Ringleader went home first… me and Italy took a small walk around the block with her dog before going our separate ways. She could obviously tell I was quieter than usual. I am someone who is always happy, laughing and full of what they call “puppy energy”.. Of course, she never addressed it.. I left that night driving home crying to my boyfriend on the phone.. I felt so stupid.. why was I even invited over? To be put in my place? For me to see that they in fact, are trying to push me away… why not just tell me I did something to upset you if that was the case…

On Saturday, the cottage resort owner contacted me since I had put a week on hold for July while I tried to see if my family wanted to go. It was my grandmothers birthday week and I thought it would be nice for all of us to be there in her memory..I was her favorite place to go since before I was born.. she passed away in 2016. The girls and I have been going there since as our annual getaway tradition. He wanted to know if I was still interested. Sadly, I had to decline since no one wanted to go..I could not afford to rent a week all on my own..

While I had him on the phone, I decided to inquire about a weekend in September. They had an opening and I asked him to put us down. I then texted Italy and told her the only dates that were available in September and that I asked for it to be put on hold for us….No response.. 26 hours later.. I text her again .. “thoughts?”.. she responds 2 hours later with “you heard what(Ringleader) said. With there being another lock down, I can’t commit to anything”.. that was it.. after ignoring my first message.. just uses that as a reason. Okay. I hear you loud and clear.

I cried a lot yesterday… being 30.. living back at home for nothing.. in the middle of a pandemic.. with my boyfriend who is in another province.. for friends and family I thought  I had.. The kicker? All I did was move back… am I offending people by being here? Being alive?..

If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever like this at 30.. my answer would be no.. I got a great support system and I am grateful for what I have.

2020 has been many things.. but a rude awakening is one for sure..

I Can’t Tell You Why – Eagles (1979)

Words cannot explain how much the Eagles mean to me. Their music has gotten me through so much over the past few years. If you ever want a trip down memory lane (for those of you who lived it) just listen to some of their hit tracks. I have honestly have too many “THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG” from the Eagles.. But I am just feeling this one today in particular ūüôā Also, the video is of them live which is always a treat to watch.

Enjoy! ‚̧

Lyrics

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Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren’t we the same two people who live
Through years in the dark?
Ahh
Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can’t tell you why
When we get crazy
It just ain’t to right (try to keep you head little girl)
Girl I get lonely too
You don’t have to worry
Just hold on tight (don’t get caught in your little world)
Cause I love you
Nothing’s wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be
And I can’t tell you why
No, baby, I can’t tell you why
I can’t tell you why
Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can’t tell you why
No, no, baby, I can’t tell you why
I can’t tell you why
I can’t tell you why

Happy Valentine’s Day <3 – Inspired Post

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

It’s that time of year again where all the storefronts are covered in red balloons, stuffed animals, heart-shaped chocolates, and of course, cards!

I have never been that person who really cared about Valentine’s day. To be completely honest, the only good thing about it is the next few days after it. DISCOUNT CHOCOLATE FTW ūüėÄ

Being in a relationship or not never really changed the way I felt about February 14th. But if I was, the “boyfriend” is usually more gung-ho about it then me. I feel like I get more bothered by the person not saying the words “Happy Valentine’s Day” versus choosing not to physically celebrate it. Does that make any sense? I mean, don’t waste your money on things that are only going to make me fat like chocolates or huge dinners.¬† Let’s invest money to go on a trip instead of wasting it on jewelry that I will never wear.¬† A card is fine if you simply MUST spend money. But only if you write in it. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT just hand me a card written by Hallmark. I do have standards.

Personally, it’s always been the thought that counts and thoughts usually do not require money. There are so many cheap.. if not free, calorie friendly, less IN YOUR FACE things that are enjoyable to do for V-Day ūüôā

Here are some ideas of things to do on V-Day but, are not exclusive to only V-Day of course:

Going for a walk or skating

Depending on where you live of course.. I live in the North Pole so this might not be the best idea…You could always go outdoor ice skating¬† if you are not sensitive to the cold. There is such a thing as free indoor community skating rinks too! If you are going for a walk, go somewhere romantic or special. I love nature, so walks in forest or in a creek always make me happy. Go somewhere with different scenery, fresh air, perhaps a place where you can see a really pretty view of the cityscape.

Cook/bake together

Obviously if you do not have things readily at home for you to use, you could go shopping for them. But then that could be just as expensive as going out for dinner (unless it’s McDonald’s run). I almost paid $11 for 4 avocados the other day….WHAT?!

Play video/board games together

This seems self explanatory, but I will elaborate in case. If you and your significant other enjoy video games, find games you are BOTH interested in that are 2 player (unless you like turn based games). Have a drink or make a drinking game out of it (if you drink that is). I elaborated on video games only since I don’t think you can play board games by yourself.. can you? I don’t know, who am I to judge.

Watch a movie

But not just any movie. Your favourite¬†movie(s), or the first movie you two every watched together. Maybe your first date was at a theater! You could re-watch that film you saw and reminisce. Maybe find a movie you’ve both been wanting to see but haven’t had the time for. Or you could always watch a lovely dovey movie if that’s what floats your boat. Make some snacks and curl up on the couch or an air mattress.¬† Bada-bing-bada-boom. Well, that was ultra Italian of me :/ .. Not sure were that came from but okay.

Give each other massages

You read that right. Light a few candles, put on some ambiance music, and lather each other with oil. It doesn’t need to be a Grade A massage, touch is therapeutic by nature so it’s super relaxing and is a really good way to connect. Plus, it could always lead to fun stuff. But I’m PG *eyeroll* ..So lets keep it moving shall we!

Whatever the above idea leads too..

No description needed…bow chicka¬†bow wow… super unnecessary. Sorry not sorry.

SAYING HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Yes, actually saying the damn fucking words can be something you do if not anything else. You have NO idea how much of a PISS OFF it is to just pretend you are not annoyed all damn day because you never got told “Happy Valentine’s Day!” for 3 fucking years in a ROW until you finally explode with rage…This is not coming from a place of anger at all. Nah, not at all. Ahem.

That being said…

What are your favourite things to do today or what are things you would love to be surprised with? I would love to know!

Hope you all have a great day today!

Love,

Jenna

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Back!..With a 30 Day Weight Loss Challenge?

Okay, so…I’ve been MIA for how long now? I’ve lost track of EVERYTHING!

Let me start off by saying I don’t even live in the same Province anymore! I’ve moved thousands of miles out West across Canada. In the past year, I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost my Grandmother to a hemorrhagic stroke… I lost my boyfriend of 5 years because he decided he was going to cheat on me. I lost one of my best friends just because? I essentially lost myself. I fell into depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks… just a complete wreck.

Over the past few months since January, I have made serious changes to my life. I meditate now and do Yoga? Never did that stuff in my entire LIFE. I went vegan for a while which I’ve done before. But most importantly, I left my entire life back in Toronto, Ontario that I’ve built for 27 years. Why? Because I can and because I direly needed to.

Now, the reason being for this post is because I want to really challenge myself. Sadly, through everything I have gone through.. I have lost serious amounts of willpower, self control and determination. Through writing again, I am hoping it might help me stay focused and on track with my goals. Plus, its always good to voice your shit to people who will judge you blindly ūüôā

So, get ready WordPressers! Starting tomorrow June 1st I’m going to fill your newsfeed with bullshit of my shitty workouts and weight loss bird food diets! Kidding.. I wouldn’t eat bird food… But I would eat rabbit food ūüėČ

 

Ps. Jenna is back

I Keep Holding On

 

Simply Red – Holding Back The Years

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Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that’s gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I’ve known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
So tight

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That’s all I have today
It’s all I have to say

Song Of My Morning

It’s Over – (cover by Miley Cyrus)

I heard this cover by Miley on the Finale of the Chelsea Lately show and fell in love with it.

Enjoy ūüôā

Lyrics

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Your baby doesn’t love you any more
Golden days before they end
Whisper secrets to the wind
Your baby won’t be near you any more

Tender nights before they fly
Send falling stars that seem to cry
Your baby doesn’t want you any more
It’s over

It breaks your heart in two, To know she’s been untrue
But oh what will you do? Then she said to you
There’s someone new We’re through We’re through
It’s over It’s over It’s over

All the rainbows in the sky Start to even say goodbye
You won’t be seeing rainbows any more
Setting suns before they fall, Echo to you that’s all that’s all
But you’ll see lonely sunset after all

It’s over It’s over It’s over It’s over

Song Of My Morning

Whatever It Takes- Lifehouse

Currently cannot STOP listening to this song this morning. I’ve had it on loop for since I’ve woken up. Definitely gives me the feels.

Even though they are in the video…..

LYRICS!
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A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn’t even know

Now there’s a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
Believe it, I can change
I’ll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said, “If we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside, even though it hurts”
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said, “Like it or not, it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me”

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I’ll keep us together
I know you deserve much better

Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down

And if you give me a chance
Believe it, I can change
I’ll keep us together
Whatever it takes

Hi, I’m Not Dead

So it has been exactly a month since I have returned from my trip to Europe. Am I late or what?! Late is better then never so here it goes..

On June I departed at 9 pm on my self defining journey. Did I define anything? Not a chance. Did you expect anything more from constantly confused and emotional dame¬†like myself? I did however, make a few changes to my already complicated and beyond confusing life. Let me start off by saying zero F**k’s were given the day I left. Yup, the plane ride- didn’t care. I slept through 90% of the flight. The other 10% was pissing, eating, and complaining that I couldn’t breath. I was violently ill with a sinus infection and was prescribed a nasal spray that was eating a hole through my nasal cavity and possibly causing brain damage. On top of that, really weak antibiotics that WERE NOT helping. So cabin air = death. By the way, this is a big deal to me because, flying gives me major anxiety. So kudos to me for not even having to tranquillize myself (that and the doctor wouldn’t give me any!…Sad face)

When I arrived in England, it was pure chaos. Matt and myself were essentially running around London England with a our luggage. Well, more like Matt was running around.. I was dragged..I would pass out standing leaning up against my luggage any chance I got. Or falling asleep in the tube. It took us a total of 3 hours to locate and arrive at the BnB we had pre-booked like a month in advance.

Moving on, I had explained in previous posts that Matt’s soul purpose of travelling to London England was to complete a soccer course to become a licensed soccer coach. So, that’s what he did. Me, I was left to my own devices. That means, sightseeing and wondering around would have to be by myself. Not a completely terrible thing. Unless, you are horrible with maps, directions, and even worse, walking. The next day after arriving, I decided to go sightseeing while Matt attended his soccer course. I prepared myself the night before with simple directions. Besides, I had my trusty iPhone and its wonderful map functions.

I set out on my adventure in the morning to visit the University of Greenwich. It took me a total of 7 footsteps from the front door to make-out with the side walk. I can’t even lie and pretend that I tripped on anything other then air. Not even 2 minutes from the house and I had bloody knees and wrists. I quickly stood up, brushed myself off, and carried on down the street.¬†Did you know you can get lost with a map? I did! 20 or 30 minutes later, I had become completely LOST. I found a small little park with a pond and some benches and decided to sit down to attempt on locating MYSELF…After failing miserably, I ¬†choose to ask someone in passing for directions. A¬†pleasant young mother with her 2 children walking by seemed like a good option. After being so kind as to point my in the right direction, she then asked with concern if I was okay. When saying yes thank you, I’m fine, she quickly responded with “Are you sure? You are bleeding everywhere” (in a cute British accent of course) I had totally forgot the fact I had fallen and torn apart all four of my limbs due to the fact that being lost took¬†precedence. I assured her I was fine and thanked her kindly for all her help. Then I spat in my sleeve and whipped off the blood from my knees and wrist like anybody would do. Right?

After a gruesome 2 hour walk on what I might add, their side walks are a complete shit show! It’s like walking on the aftermath of a level 8 earthquake! Cracks and lifted pavement, tree roots bursting through the ground every which way! It’s a nightmare! My poor ankles were swollen and bruised for days!!! We are so spoiled with our side walk conditions here in Toronto. Jesus. Back to my story, I made it, alive and in one piece. I stayed there for 3 hours, wandering around, checking out the city. It was beautiful to say the least. That and I was not about to hit it and leave after it took me FOREVER to get there. Got lost on my way home too! Shocker… In a roundabout…My God! I felt like a¬†prairie dog popping out from every exit possible! Needless to say it took me 2 hours to get home when the iPhone clearly states it would of ¬†only taken me 30 minutes if I followed their “suggested” route…. IF I KNEW HOW TO USE A MAP! >.<

This was a daily routine, although, by day 4 it got better. I wasn’t AS hopeless as I started off. Besides, this was the first time I had done anything like this by myself, ever!

Still, I was no closer to figuring out what I was going to do with my life when I  got back to Canada. I did my daily routine of Kijiji searches for jobs or explored University and College websites in hopes of finding something that would peek my interest.

On June 18th we arrived in Porto, Portugal and were being picked up by his Aunt and Uncle to be taken to Vigo, Spain. We were there till about the 25th then headed back to Portugal by a 6 hour bus ride where we stayed in Caldas da Rainha with his Grandparents. Needless to say this time was obviously spent with him and his family sightseeing. Which to be quite honest, wasn’t that bad.

The most interesting day was the 30th, the day before we were heading out back to England. It was a beautiful day, got alot of sightseeing done, almost died from regurgitating my internal organs. It was the weirdest thing. We had just all finished lunch and were now heading to one of this Uncle’s houses, when all the sudden, I started getting a really bad migraine. I tried closing my eyes in the car ride there. But the drive made it worse. Nausea set and in no time, I was screaming for the car to be pulled over so I could expel my soul from my mouth. It was like watching one of those bad movies about the exorcist of Emily Rose. I fell to my knees in a ditch and began ejecting lunch and a very expensive bottle of wine. All I remember was Matt getting out of the car and as he was walking towards me, saying the most insensitive and irritating commentary of life. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much wine”…”Well now you have room for dinner”.. and the worst by far .. “Don’t you dare cry”… Honestly? Can you F***ing lend a hand maybe? Hold my hair? Dare ask if I’m okay?!? What seemed¬†like forever of endless spew-age lasted a grand total of 5 minutes. UGH! I hate Hate HATE! throwing up! *cries* and yes…I do cry when I puke.

This only got worse. They ended up meeting up with his Uncle at some smoke house that is literally all about barbecued meat of all sorts. I love meat. But when I’m nauseous, the smell can drive me up the wall. I must of vomited another 2 times outside of this restaurant. The bathroom was a no go because it reeked of some perfume¬†potpourri shit. Which of course, made my head spin and my stomach turn. I decided it would be best if I would just stay in the car while they ate and lye down. You know, die alone, by myself in the back of a car in a foreign country. I past out for about 15 minutes at a time with interruptions of up-chucking. Matt was kind enough to check on me about an hour later to see if I died or not. How sweet. Unfortunately, when he came to check on me, he had spooked me awake. This resulting in more puking in¬†which I barely got out of the car for. I puked at the side of the car…while Matt yelled “not there!”…then he grabbed a plastic bag from inside the car to then say..”that’s disgusting” and “how flattering”… All I wanted to do by this point was die. Anything would of been better then dry heaving stomach acid. On the drive home, I was in and out of sleep. As we pulled into the driveway, the feeling of throwing up crept up on me. Getting out of the car in a panic to make it to the wash-room, I epically failed and fell at the side of the house in their garden. As I heaved for the last time, I cried as I said “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” …What was I apologizing for? Well, back in Spain, me and Matt had gotten into a giant blow up where I was caught in a lie and lied about not lying…I’m not proud of myself…and obviously felt guilty…Which is why I was apologizing… I felt it was my punishment for being¬†dishonest..Surprisingly after I apologized and recognized my faults, I stopped vomiting? My whole evening was ruined and so was the rest of my night. When I got inside I had passed out till about 5 am in the morning. Did I mention our flight back to England was that very morning and I was not packed at all! Very weak and¬†disoriented, I packed and then went back to sleep till 7 am.

We arrived back in England on the 1st of July. We were to depart back to Canada on the 4th. Matt finished the rest of his course on the 2nd and 3rd. He passed…Yippee? The End.

Not even…. So we got back on the 4th and life has only gotten more intense since then. It has been nothing but an emotional roller-coaster since I’ve returned. My dog was sick…had to take him to the vet. I’m sick, had to take myself to the vet. I have some fluke that decided to welcome it’s self into my liver..? (a Fluke is a parasitic worm by the way…yummy).. besides having major anxiety and stress, I’m also bored-line depressed. I still do the same freaking job that I said I wouldn’t be doing once I returned and my heart is still a mangled mess. So instead of seeking professional help, I decided to play Martha Stewart for a bit to see if that helps. I’ve currently been in the process of renovating my entire room. Change is good right? So is being broke from buying a bed that only pisses you off because it takes up way too much space and you keep smashing your damn knees on the corner of that stupid bed so now it looks like you’ve been doing extreme sports when really you don’t know how to mind space when you freaking walk!!!… I know it’s a run on sentence… It was done intentionally.

Well, there you have it. Now you are officially all caught up with mysterious life.

Here. Pictures. Enjoy.

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University Of Greenwich


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The city of Greenwich


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Darth Vader?


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Tower Bridge


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A random Anglo Saxon cathedral


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St Paul’s Cathedral


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Panoramic shot of the Tower Bridge


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Victoria Tower/ Big Ben


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Buckingham Palace


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Guard at Buckingham Palace


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My poor swollen ankle!


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My bedroom view in Vigo, Spain


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Beach in Vigo, Spain


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Backyard in Portugal


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The beach in Caldas Da Rainha


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You mad bro?


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Holy Chickens


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√ďbidos, Portugal (the City built in a castle)


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√ďbidos, Portugal. I walked along this castle wall!


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√ďbidos, Portugal- Castle wall


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Batalha


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Batalha


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Batalha


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Fatima


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The London Eye


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Boat Tour – Tower Bridge


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The Shard..or my version (The Shart)

 

 

 

 

 

A Trip for a Mission

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I haven’t posted for¬†quite a while. I literally have been a chicken without a head for the past two months.

So what’s the deal? I’m going away for a month to Europe. Right? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? …Maybe if I was considered “normal people.”

To be completely honest, I have been DREADING the whole thing! I leave Monday! My flight is at 9 pm! and I have absolutely no FREAKING idea what I’m doing. The plane tickets and accommodations have been booked for over a month now if not more. Pretty sure I have changed my mind weekly if not daily on if I’m going or not. For the past week since Monday, it has actually progressed to an hourly debate. Just in this past hour before I started writing this post I have broke down and said I’m not going 5 times. My mom is convinced¬†I have completely lost it, and you know what, maybe I have.

Confused yet? Let me clarify. Matt about 5 months ago was preparing to take oversea courses in Europe to in hopes one day become a professional soccer coach. Great right? Life goal, a dream of his since he was a teenager. Lets make a trip out of it. First stop, England. This is where he will be doing his licensing coaching course. For this portion of the trip I will be alone 90% of the time. Which is fine, really. The other portion of the trip will be travelling to Portugal and Spain to stay with some of his family members to cut costs and save on money. Genius right? This all sounds pretty worth while no? A month away in a beautiful part of the world with your partner, what could possibly be so confusing and complicated?

What if everything didn’t make sense any more? What if the situation wasn’t as clear as it use to be? When I say situation, I am referring to the relationship. What if the nature of the relationship had changed along the way? What if it became selfish and one-sided? What do you do then? What if it was based on a viscous circle where the two just never meet? Can your heart be there and not at the time time? If it isn’t, do you give up and walk away? Do you try and salvage what is left in hopes of restoring it?

What if you know whole heartily that things will never change and only progressively get worse? You want to be happy, but don’t know what happiness is. You would of sacrificed everything you had to make sure someone else’s dreams were made possible, but in reality, knew the favour if need be would never be returned. Do you hold on? Who is truly the selfish one?

For every moment reality set in, your heart became an open door. The circle was broken and not even the worlds strongest adhesive could fix it. The circle became exposed to external influence and all of it’s contents inside had slowly seeped out.

This all seems pretty vague, but the connections can be made.

The point is, I have already committed to going and spent the money on a flight and accommodations that I will not be able to get back. Matt is aware¬†of my indecisiveness, but it not affected by it. His path is set and I can “tag along” if I want. Please tell me that I am not the only person who sees a problem with this mentality? This is the mentality I have been battling for past year. Before you start with the personal attacks with who’s fault it is, keep in mind you are not aware of the investments that were made. I am aware of the signs and deep down, want to believe to know what is best for me. But I have to make this mistake to find out.

This is not entirely a giant mistake though. This is a perfect opportunity for me to go there and find direction. Clear my mind, figure out what my next move is going to be to better my life. This is time I need to take care of myself and truly figure out, what does Jenn want? What will make her happy?

I will take all blinders off on this trip. Nothing to ¬†conflict my thoughts. I am leaving my heart behind so my mind can think freely. If there was one thing I always promised myself in life, it was that I would be successful and serve a purpose. I know I am more then capable of that then what I have been producing lately. I need to navigate my life better. I might be young, but times ticking and it’s easier to do things now then when you are in your 30s- 40s.

This trip will be a life and self discovery mission for me. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on other things in life. Other peoples happiness cannot be the reason I exist. I need to make myself happy first, and that’s exactly what I will do.

So as I leave behind my life here for a month, as I board that plane at 9 PM, I will start my life change.

– Jenna

Male and Female “Friendships”

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The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.