A Trip for a Mission

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I haven’t posted for quite a while. I literally have been a chicken without a head for the past two months.

So what’s the deal? I’m going away for a month to Europe. Right? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? …Maybe if I was considered “normal people.”

To be completely honest, I have been DREADING the whole thing! I leave Monday! My flight is at 9 pm! and I have absolutely no FREAKING idea what I’m doing. The plane tickets and accommodations have been booked for over a month now if not more. Pretty sure I have changed my mind weekly if not daily on if I’m going or not. For the past week since Monday, it has actually progressed to an hourly debate. Just in this past hour before I started writing this post I have broke down and said I’m not going 5 times. My mom is convinced I have completely lost it, and you know what, maybe I have.

Confused yet? Let me clarify. Matt about 5 months ago was preparing to take oversea courses in Europe to in hopes one day become a professional soccer coach. Great right? Life goal, a dream of his since he was a teenager. Lets make a trip out of it. First stop, England. This is where he will be doing his licensing coaching course. For this portion of the trip I will be alone 90% of the time. Which is fine, really. The other portion of the trip will be travelling to Portugal and Spain to stay with some of his family members to cut costs and save on money. Genius right? This all sounds pretty worth while no? A month away in a beautiful part of the world with your partner, what could possibly be so confusing and complicated?

What if everything didn’t make sense any more? What if the situation wasn’t as clear as it use to be? When I say situation, I am referring to the relationship. What if the nature of the relationship had changed along the way? What if it became selfish and one-sided? What do you do then? What if it was based on a viscous circle where the two just never meet? Can your heart be there and not at the time time? If it isn’t, do you give up and walk away? Do you try and salvage what is left in hopes of restoring it?

What if you know whole heartily that things will never change and only progressively get worse? You want to be happy, but don’t know what happiness is. You would of sacrificed everything you had to make sure someone else’s dreams were made possible, but in reality, knew the favour if need be would never be returned. Do you hold on? Who is truly the selfish one?

For every moment reality set in, your heart became an open door. The circle was broken and not even the worlds strongest adhesive could fix it. The circle became exposed to external influence and all of it’s contents inside had slowly seeped out.

This all seems pretty vague, but the connections can be made.

The point is, I have already committed to going and spent the money on a flight and accommodations that I will not be able to get back. Matt is aware of my indecisiveness, but it not affected by it. His path is set and I can “tag along” if I want. Please tell me that I am not the only person who sees a problem with this mentality? This is the mentality I have been battling for past year. Before you start with the personal attacks with who’s fault it is, keep in mind you are not aware of the investments that were made. I am aware of the signs and deep down, want to believe to know what is best for me. But I have to make this mistake to find out.

This is not entirely a giant mistake though. This is a perfect opportunity for me to go there and find direction. Clear my mind, figure out what my next move is going to be to better my life. This is time I need to take care of myself and truly figure out, what does Jenn want? What will make her happy?

I will take all blinders off on this trip. Nothing to  conflict my thoughts. I am leaving my heart behind so my mind can think freely. If there was one thing I always promised myself in life, it was that I would be successful and serve a purpose. I know I am more then capable of that then what I have been producing lately. I need to navigate my life better. I might be young, but times ticking and it’s easier to do things now then when you are in your 30s- 40s.

This trip will be a life and self discovery mission for me. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on other things in life. Other peoples happiness cannot be the reason I exist. I need to make myself happy first, and that’s exactly what I will do.

So as I leave behind my life here for a month, as I board that plane at 9 PM, I will start my life change.

– Jenna

Male and Female “Friendships”

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The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.

Romantic

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Are you a romantic?
Hell, I know I’m not. But, I do have a part of me that would like to embrace that mushy side. Somewhere deep, deep, down. I guess it’s whatever you consider romantic right?

I was scolded today by one of my girlfriends on how I’m not “romantic” enough. What the freaking hell does that even mean?!? Not romantic enough? Pfft. What list or guide is there that specifies there being enough romantic or not? I’m plenty romantic!

So I don’t like flowers or love letters, or poetry, or fancy candle light dinners. Does that make me anti romantic? Is that even a word? Did I just make that up!? You know what I like? I like wine, and music. You know what’s romantic to me? Listening to 70s or 80s music and drinking wine. Maybe even a random slow dance to set the mood. No, I’m not a jamming alcoholic, but those two do go well together.

Like come on. I know some people like all that jazzed up crap but, don’t you think that’s a little planned and unnatural? Coming home to a candle light dinner is code for, “I’m gunna hump you tonight because I have grounds too.” Before you go off on the whole “it’s a sign of appreciating” bullshit, tell me there’s no intention or motive there at all! Spur of the moment is romantic! Songza can set the mood in moments if you choose the right playlist, and I don’t mean the category “getting lucky”.

This is rambling bullshit. Moral of the story is, I’m a realist! Romance my ass!
🙂

Second Year Anniversary

Me and Matt Randoms

Happy second year Anniversary to my boyfriend Matthew!

Two years already and you haven’t killed me? You deserve a cookie! Your still alive too so, consider yourself lucky.

I love you even though you piss me the fuck off 99.7% of the time. Okay, I’m no cake-walk myself. Kudos to the both of us for making it another year!

Love your ever so frustrating, annoying, obnoxious, complicated?, “can’t believe I haven’t strangled her yet”, girlfriend

– Jennifer

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

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First off, yes this is a picture of me. Photo Credit goes to my best friend Melissa C!

This photo was taken in 2010 for my friends practice and portfolio. A basic photo-shoot, that’s all.

Yesterday, I had changed my Facebook profile picture to this shot. Why? I simply liked it. It expresses the way I feel lately. Dark, down, hopeless, scared. When I look at this photo, I see art. I see a photo that was taken professionally for my friends experience.

What do you see? I want honesty because I am angry, completely livid. My boyfriend today decided to FREAK out at me today,while I was at work for using this as my profile photo. “This photo is way too provocative, sends the wrong message, is this what you do on Facebook?!” and a bunch of other shit he said that I purposely did not commit to memory. I don’t see my boobs hanging out! My ass isn’t showing! I’m not eating a banana looking seductively into the camera. What the hell is the matter with this photo!?

Anyway’s, he really upset me and I decided to take it down to make him shut up.

If someone is seeing something that I am NOT seeing, please feel free to give it to me straight.

– One pissed off Jenna