Feeling Truly Alone For The First Time – Off My Chest

I’ve been alive for exactly 30 years and 6 months…If there is one thing I have learnt in my time on earth, females friends are the absolute WORSE. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

Now, let me make a few things clear.. there are exceptions.. as to anything. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

But right now… I am extremely hurt and feel absolutely alone. Never in my life would I picture being friendless and rejected…It REALLY eats at you and makes you question your worth and if there is something wrong with you.

I have always considered myself to be a friendly and social person. People tend to feel comfortable around me and open up to me with ease and trust me immediately. I never has issues making friends. I just found it harder to make female friends since I don’t have a lot in common with most women. I tend to avoid drama, backstabbing, and fakes in general..However, once you are my friend, I will never EVER turn my back on you, hurt you, or make you feel less about yourself. Unfortunately, even if you treat me like absolute shit for no god damn reason, or kick me to the curb once you are done using me, I will still be there, trying to figure out why and if I did something wrong to cause you to treat me this way. Pathetic? Sure.. Loyal? 100%..

Recently over the years, I have started to notice significant changes in the people who are considered my “friends”..

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have lived outside of my home province for about 3 years. Recently, I moved back in November of 2019. Lets call these the golden days, pre-Covid-19. One of the major reasons I moved back home was because I felt super lonely in Alberta. Sure, I had my significant other but that wasn’t enough. I missed my family, my friends, my memories I had from Ontario. I did not feel complete. I wanted to be able to see my friends and hug them, make memories with them, not just speak to them over text or phone call.(Although I will explain how that was not the case entirely because I still made a huge effort to be involved in my friends lives). I hated being so far away when things went downhill..like a parent being ill and you feeling useless from afar. So, just before Christmas, I made my permanent return to a place I thought I had it all… good friends and my family. What a JOKE that was.

It has been almost a year since I have returned and I have seen my “friends” ONCE. Just once. I still don’t believe it was even intentional verses one of my other friends didn’t want be alone with me. It breaks my heart to even talk about this, but it has left me feeling like a complete reject for no reason.

I have this group of girl friends that I use to work with. A group of four including myself. We saw each other all the time at work, and spoke often and made plans outside of work. If it wasn’t all together, it was one on one. But I was always invited and I felt wanted. These girls were there for me during the hardest times in my life. when I lost the most important person in my life.. my grandmother. They also banned together and left the place we all worked and met at because I was let go for no reason. (The reason being I was promised a certain position and raise before corporate took over. Once they did, they were hiring and promoting their own people so they had no choice but to let me go- shit right?) For that, I am forever grateful and will love you forever and always. We were a power team and it felt like nothing could ruin that. Until now.. but why?

During my three years away I made a conscious effort to see my friends every time I visited home (which was often) even if I was only there for 3 days. I also went to Italy with one of the girls for a week. When we went on our annual cottage getaways, I made sure I was there to keep the tradition alive… mainly cause it means the world to me. To have that and share that with people you care about. The point is, even though I was 3 provinces away and lived with my partner… my friends always mattered. It wasn’t until the last cottage getaway we had that I felt unwanted.. felt like a burden.. and I didn’t receive any excitement or attention to the fact I was making an effort to be there. I was not expecting a red fucking carpet or fireworks… but a simple, “hey! I heard you are joining us! awesome! can’t wait” or a “glad to hear you are coming with us. See you soon!”… nothing.. I got literally… nothing…

I spoke to the friend I went to Italy with often.. the other ones always seemed  busy and one in particular NEVER fucking responded to my text messages when I tried to reach out. Let me also say that this one in particular was my friend first in the group of girls. We met first, hit it off first, and talked/hung out all the time. But just like that.. out of no where.. how I was or what I was up too didn’t seem to matter anymore. Her excuse when I would call her out on not answering me was ” Sorry… I get distracted easily.. like a squirrel”.. yet.. she always reaches out to the other two girls in the group and sees them often. I started to feel like she genuinely didn’t want to speak to me and targeted me personally. I also feel like she has become the group ringleader… I could explain why I feel that way.. but I think my examples will speak for themselves.

Anyways, the response I got when one reached out was more along the lines of annoyed. The one who reached out was the ringleader. It wasn’t to say “Hi, glad you are coming”.. It was “Hi, I am making a shopping list for the cottage. What do you want?”..At the time, I was just given diet restrictions from my Naturopathic Doctor.. which I take very seriously. So I was treated more like a pain in the ass and problematic because I had to be careful what I consumed. However! The years prior, one of the girls decided to go vegan out of no where two days before we were heading up because she watched a PETA video on youtube (that did not last long btw) ..and we were bringing up  meat for burgers and hot dogs that year .shopping was also done already….The year after, the friend I went to Italy with also has a list of dietary restrictions because she too, sees the same Naturopath Doctor. But let me tell you, there was never any snide remarks or comments made towards them.. not once. When it’s me though.. my GOD I am just the worst person to have around because I can’t eat nightshade vegetables, meat, and gluten! Hypocrites I tell you…and of course… the one making the BIGGEST stink about it, is the ringleader.. and when she starts on me.. they all start on me.

So, back to what fueled my fire to write this post..the Friday that just passed.

Since Covid-19 took over our lives, it has been very difficult to know if it safe or not to see people who do not live with us or who are family. However, the friend I went to Italy with I had been in contact with via text a few times. I mean, if she responded that was. I felt lately that I was reaching out to say hi and check on her.. but she wasn’t interested in replying or engaging in conversation. We spoke once in May over whatsapp video call. We spoke mostly about her at home working conditions, Covid-19, and things that related to her like her weight loss goals. not much about me was said or questioned.. Just that I was out of work because the clinic was shut down. At the end of the conversation, I had put it out there that if she ever wanted me to come over, we could go for walks if she was interested or even chat in the driveway at a distance. She said sure, that sounds good. Never once did she reach out…I texted her a few times and got no reply back… or she would respond once and then stop. I wont sit here and say it doesn’t hurt.. it eats at you… why don’t my friends want to see me anymore? I mean, I make such an effort to show them they matter and I appreciate their friendship. The feeling/energy is not reciprocated.

Finally on another attempt, I sent her a link of a trip to Portugal that looked interesting. I just sent the link.. nothing more. She responded with, you want to go there? and I said, yeah, would you? She asked a couple of questions and then followed with she wasn’t really interested in Portugal because she doesn’t know much about their history. Fair enough. I said I was open to suggestions and she responded with not knowing when it would be safe to travel again, but we could start to look into it for when we can. Meaning, she might still be interested in traveling with me..a glimpse of hope. She then asks when I work (I am back to work btw since June 1st) and when I would be free to get together. I told her my schedule and she inquired about Friday or the next Friday. This Friday worked so we settled on that. From my understanding it was a get together between the two of us.

On Friday afternoon she texts me to ask whats the plan for the day and then follows it with another text saying ” I asked (ringleader) if she wants to come” …okay?… Like I don’t have a problem with her being there.. but she also hasn’t said boo to me since I’ve been back to Ontario…

When this pandemic started, I reached out to the group of girls individually. Just saying something like ” hey, just reaching out to make sure you and your families are okay and staying safe and healthy.” Italy friend responded, ring leader ignored my phone call and text message, girl who recently got married who no one has really seen since apparently, she it always busy.. responded but only to say “thanks, we are okay”,(we being her and her husband obviously).. there was no “how are you doing?”..  or “haven’t seen you since you moved back.. hope you are well too”….Whoa..just … whoa…wait until I explain the absolute HYPOCRISY when it comes to this recently married friend..It is coming, oh is it coming.

So me and Italy (that is what I will call her for privacy sake) are texting and she says to me. “(ringleader) wants to order sushi from (certain place she always goes to), you in”….do I have a choice? If I said no… I would be ostracized. “Sure” I say.. and then we decide on a time…I am happy to FINALLY see Ringerleader.. but also nervous because I feel at this point.. she is only coming because Italy doesn’t want to be alone with me..but I also take it as an opportunity to voice my concern of feeling avoided in person which is what I most want.. to clear the air.

Before you think that this is ALL in my head.. that I am being super sensitive and emotional.. you are probably not entirely wrong. Am I an over thinker? Yes. Am I more emotional/sensitive and in tune with my feelings and vibes I pick up from others? 100%.. However… this is why rather then assuming and making my own speculations about the situation, I like to approach things head on and ask.. just ask. You wont know unless you fucking ASK.

The evening rolls around and I am headed off to Italy’s house. Nervous, but happy to just be seeing my “friends” after so long. I arrive and she is on the phone with Ringleader who is trying to figure out the food order before she calls the restaurant. When she is finally off the phone, I can’t help but smile and try and read her body language.. would she be open to a hug? I haven’t hugged another person since this whole pandemic shit hit the fan… I long for a friendly hug. She smiles and opens her arms. I immediately place myself into her arms. I missed her… the thought that she might not feel the same vanishes.. I feel a sense of  normalcy once again. We start to head to her backyard where we will be setting up to hang out and eat. As we are chatting I ask if this is the first time she will see Ringleader too (since covid-19… I know she has seen her for sure post Covid). Her response stops me dead in my tracks. ” No, this will be my third time”..I can’t help but say “wow”.. and she looks at me funny… I mean… in all honesty.. I was taken back because she barely spoke to me let alone answered my text messages and advances to get together for walks. I can feel my mood shift instantly.. But, I pull myself together in my head and move forward.

Once we are settled and in conversation, she starts to complain again about her not being physically active enough, not meeting her weight loss goals, etc… I feel it coming.. the comment I want to make.. So, I say it..” hey, I remember putting it out there if you ever wanted to get together and go for walks or doing something active outdoors”.. her response. was no response.. *blink blink*.. “so anyways”.. and she deflected.. Okay…I mean.. you could of addressed it in some sort of way…anything would of been better.

I kind of felt a little turn in my chest where my heart lives… like a little pain that told me…”maybe you are not overthinking this…maybe it is true…”

Phone rings… it is the Ringleader..

Enter the Ringleader

She arrives, we all greet each other.. her first words to me after not seeing me since our last cottage outing in June 2019 (when she was already acting weird) is…”holy you are tanned”… yes.. I am very tanned.. once tends to get stupid tanned when they spend most of their time outdoors walking for miles and miles a day to avoid being at home during a pandemic. We also hugged… it wasn’t our usual long embraces we use to have.. I even felt her pull away and do that little “there there” tap on my back as if to signal “okay, that’s enough”.. I felt that.

While we are eating, Ringleader is chatting about her current life back at work since the reopening. She talks for a good 30-40 mins and when she finishes. She stares at Italy. Italy pipes in and says, “who is next to catch up”..I respond with “you can go next!” She then says, “well, I feel like me and ringleader have seen each other and caught up already, you both have no spoken and seen each other since forever”. I kind of nervously make a “hah” noise.. mainly because … she never gave an actual FUCK to ask me ever since I got back.. she never responded to any of my messages or phone calls.. why would I waste my breath?..

No word of a lie..I look in her direction.. see her facial expression which was like ..

Annoyed GIFs | Tenor

So I said ” Well.. I moved back in November… Covid-19… I am working”…

………….

Ringleaders response “cool”..pulls out her cell phone and checks it… Italy’s response “well that was short and sweet”…My stomach dropped..I was right.

The conversation then picked up about Italy’s work.. back to Ringleaders work.. making fun of me and making me feel like an outcast based on my health conditions…and then on to the attack of recently married girl. Apparently recently married girl is moving 9 hours North with her husband.. I didn’t know this obviously cause no one says shit to me. Italy found out from a Facebook post (I don’t have facebook.. or any social media for that matter).. and no shocker.. Ringleader knew because recently married girl reached out to her (but only because she wanted something.. not to just tell her shes moving).. SO the shit talking started.

“She is always busy, she never has time, she only reaches out when she needs something, the last few times we went up north with her were not enjoyable because she was high or drunk all the time” blah blah blah blah blah… Yet… They always talk to her… involve her in their plans, want her around… make a fucking conscious effort to check on her and see how she is doing!!

Italy had the acidity to say ” I don’t have the energy anymore to put all my time into reaching out to someone who always says no or only talks to me when they want something”..umm… You literally ignore my messages.. even when they are all just to see how you are doing.. Ringleader then makes a point to say ” I message her all the time to see how she is doing”… Thanks… openly admit you fucking respond to people on your phone and actively reach out to people.. just not me.

I sat there listening to this… and while there was a tiny window of silence.. I slipped in.. Well, I am glad you guys are up to date on everything.. feels like I am completely out of the loop and no one informs me of anything anymore.

THE FUCKING LOOK THESE TWO GAVE EACH OTHER… then deflected the conversation! Okay… there is no way I am overthinking this… I am literally fucking expressing how no one talks to me and they just ignore it. Yet, they are both sitting there talking about how recently married girl isn’t the greatest friend… hello? I would pay a lot of money on plane tickets to be with these people when I lived thousands of miles away.. and this recently married girl lives in the same province.. same city.. and never sees them. What.The.HELL.

By this point… I am deflated.. I am trying not to cry… or just get up and leave… mainly because most of the conversation is about me and not in a good way.. just bringing up embarrassing things that happen to me when we worked together.. or when Italy and I traveled together. I just sat there laughing at it.. even though inside it really hurt…

Let me tell you what Ringleader was interested to hear about my life. In the most rude, crude, sarcastic and deeming way says “are you still with, what’s that thing? what’s his face? that person?”…YOU MEAN MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND I’VE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YEARS THAT YOU CLEARLY KNOW SINCE HE WORKED WITH US WHERE WE ALL MET! YOU EVEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONE ON ONE! THAT ONE?

My jaw dropped and I immediately glanced at Italy… even her face was like.. wow.. and she said “oooohhhh” as If I was dissed..Did I forget to mention that these women are older than me? I am 30 and they are 5 and 9 years older…it’s sad people act like this… While I know Ringleader isn’t the biggest fan of my bf.. she doesn’t need to act like a child.

Italy and I prior to the Ringleaders arrival were talking about the cottage and how there was opening in September. How we both wanted to all go. When mentioned in front of the Ringleader. she simply glanced over at Italy, and proceeded to explain how someone she knows that is a medical doctor said there will be another lock down in September. Italy never spoke about it or gave her two sense. That was the end of that conversation. I could not help but feel like… Ringleader didn’t want to converse about the cottage because she didn’t want me going.. the lock down stuff was a planted excuse… our cottage has been open the entire time and accepting their regulars.

All this aside.. Ringleader went home first… me and Italy took a small walk around the block with her dog before going our separate ways. She could obviously tell I was quieter than usual. I am someone who is always happy, laughing and full of what they call “puppy energy”.. Of course, she never addressed it.. I left that night driving home crying to my boyfriend on the phone.. I felt so stupid.. why was I even invited over? To be put in my place? For me to see that they in fact, are trying to push me away… why not just tell me I did something to upset you if that was the case…

On Saturday, the cottage resort owner contacted me since I had put a week on hold for July while I tried to see if my family wanted to go. It was my grandmothers birthday week and I thought it would be nice for all of us to be there in her memory..I was her favorite place to go since before I was born.. she passed away in 2016. The girls and I have been going there since as our annual getaway tradition. He wanted to know if I was still interested. Sadly, I had to decline since no one wanted to go..I could not afford to rent a week all on my own..

While I had him on the phone, I decided to inquire about a weekend in September. They had an opening and I asked him to put us down. I then texted Italy and told her the only dates that were available in September and that I asked for it to be put on hold for us….No response.. 26 hours later.. I text her again .. “thoughts?”.. she responds 2 hours later with “you heard what(Ringleader) said. With there being another lock down, I can’t commit to anything”.. that was it.. after ignoring my first message.. just uses that as a reason. Okay. I hear you loud and clear.

I cried a lot yesterday… being 30.. living back at home for nothing.. in the middle of a pandemic.. with my boyfriend who is in another province.. for friends and family I thought  I had.. The kicker? All I did was move back… am I offending people by being here? Being alive?..

If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever like this at 30.. my answer would be no.. I got a great support system and I am grateful for what I have.

2020 has been many things.. but a rude awakening is one for sure..

To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

A Hormone Malfunction

Have you ever heard of the saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’? Well, I have and I can only wish I had listened to those words for this next story I am about to tell you.

If you have been a follower of my blog and have read my posts from many years ago, I suffered from ovarian cysts, I have been on smoothie detoxes, I have become a Vegan.. I do have some health issues but try to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. Over the past two years, I have relocated to Edmonton Alberta where I now reside..momentarily… I currently work at a Naturopathic clinic where I obviously seek treatment now as well. I started working here in May of 2018. If you know anything about Naturopathic doctors or have ever been to one, then you know they prescribe a fuck ton of supplements. Honestly, I am okay with that because I hate pharmaceutical drugs and they try to kill me anyways. I have been seeing one of the doctors here since August and I have to say, she was honestly helping me. I was struggling with anxiety and stress which she basically fixed in under 2 months. Over the last 4 months, she has been trying to figure out if I suffer from a hormone imbalance. She assumed I was “estrogen dominate” from everything I ever told her and my health history.

Just recently before December, I had been suffering with enlarged lymph nodes of my neck. I had seen a walk in doctor to which they sent me for basic blood work to find out if I was dying from Lymphoma as they so bluntly put it. Idiots.. Anyways, my blood work came back normal but my lymph nodes were STILL growing. I wasn’t getting a cold or anything either which usually is the normal response for swollen and enlarged lymph nodes. Four days later, I had a disk slip in my neck, well there yeah go! I figured out WHY they were swollen. It took 2 weeks to recover but I did 🙂 yay me.

Fast forward to a week ago, I am feeling better neck wise, by my lymph nodes are now really painful to the point I can barely get any sleep. I see the Naturopath at my clinic and she recommends I pay for the proper blood work to be done. I spend like 300 and something dollars for 4 different blood work tests and 3 supplements to help deal with my inflammation and hormones? So two of these four tests I paid for are hormone tests since she things I could have a hormone “imbalance”..Okay, sure, I’m curious. I do the blood work, a few days later get my results. All I see is random numbers and the word POSITIVE…Positive? Positive for what?…I try and stay away from google all morning till doctor gets in for her shift. We sit down and she tells me shitty news. One of the tests I did was called an ANA test…(antinuclear antibody) which means it evaluates a person for an autoimmune disease…HERE WE GO… lol

She then tells me my hormones are IN FACT imbalanced.  Apparently the normal ratio for a females progesterone levels are 100-500 (I have no idea what those numbers mean or what measurements they use)…but APPARENTLY my level is 18..EIGHTEEN…that is astronomically LOW… I am laughing but I should be crying.. She then prescribes me MORE supplements and a cream to “balance” my hormones “naturally”…

This is where the fun begins.

Wednesday December  19th 2018

My morning starts like any other. I feel fine otherwise then my neck still being swollen and painful. I take my new supplements and head to work. 3 hours into my shift I start to feel extremely exhausted. I was yawning as if I was sleep deprived…I slept for literally 8 hours and pretty decently too. The yawning becomes unbearable and uncontrollable. I started to time the yawns… they were literally every 2.5 seconds and they were aggressive…Jaw open wide, watering eyes, my eyelids turned purple and black like I was punched in the face. I got nervous/annoyed since I deal with patients and could barely get two words in without a massive yawn. Plus it honestly looked like I was on something… I looked doped up…Because I am a person who likes natural remedies, I went to plug in the diffuser we have in the office and I put some peppermint oil in it to pick me up a bit. It actually helped a lot. This wasn’t a big red flag for me since I’ve taken supplements for years and know your system has to get use to them. By the end of the day I was dragging myself on the floor. I barely made it home and to bed..took awhile to fall asleep though.

Thursday December 20th 2018

I wake up feeling extremely … EXTREMELY exhausted..I hear the alarm go off and I yell “NO” for some random reason… as if my phone or alarm for that matter care how I feel. I slide off the side of the bed and crawl into the bathroom.. dreading turning on the light..for I know what will be staring back at me in the mirror…Image result for morning face

I decide to leave the bathroom and turn the kettle on instead. I am in this phase of my life where I drink like 7-8 cups of David’s Tea a day…and that starts from the moment I wake up. I prepare the loose leaf of choice and then walk to the fridge and open the freezer door for no damn reason. I realize I have no choice but to return to the bathroom.. almost 40% of my morning routine requires me to be in there. Keep in mind I have not turned on a single light in my house yet.

I walk into the bathroom turn on the light and… and nothing ..I look spectacular for someone who feels like they were punched in the face and haven’t slept in a month. Fast forward to 45 mins later (no I did not spend all that time in the bathroom) .. I am headed out the door for work. I feel really strange..almost loopy or delusional. I try and shake it off and make it to work.

My shift was a 9-5 and I barely made it to 1:00 pm. Patients were asking me if I was okay on the account of I looked like hell apparently. My eyelids were a dull purple colour with black rings around my eyes..My face was tingling and numb on the left side, and I had the worst headache and head pressure ever. I was honestly trying to smell the air trying to figure out if I smelt burnt toast. Then… the worst thing happened.. I had a hot flash… I started sweating and turning red. I couldn’t breath and ran for the door. I swung it open and hung my head and upper body out gasping for air. It was minus 13 and I was standing outside sweating! I was BOILING to DEATH outside! I went back inside and tried to have some water and calm down.. initially I thought it was a stroke.. then I thought it was a panic attack… then I had ANOTHER hot flash…. it was starting to make sense.. she was fucking with my hormones and I was going into menopause! I’m 29! I do NOT want to deal with that shit!

I HAD to leave.. I could not stay… I started to turn into a lunatic. I started crying… and sweating.. and then I got angry..and then I made coffee, had a sip and burnt my tongue.. then started to say out loud “WHY” …I am obviously alone when all this happens.. so as these symptoms increase..my level of panic increases… I am sure this is the end of me. I hysterically order an Uber and call my mom to tell her I love her..I start crying and then apologize for being nuts! she assures me I am not nuts but whatever I am on I need to stop taking it.

By the way, if you or anyone you know is having a hot flash… comfort them.. bring them chocolates, flowers, a bottle of whiskey.. cause FUCK do they need it…I am NOT looking forward to menopause.

The ride home was a blur. My mom stayed on the phone with me and I am sure I was telling her how I feel because the driver was looking at me concerned through his mirror. Not the concerned look for my health, more so for himself. That “crazy white people” kinda look. When I arrive home, I get out of the car, say thank you and then slip on a patch of side right outside the car door. In the midst of possibly killing myself, my mom says..”you’re rude, you could of wished him a Merry Christmas..” Still clinging on to the car door for dear life, I manage to say Merry Christmas and he just looks at like with the “okay bitch, let go of my door so I can go please”.. Now finally standing like a baby giraffe that was just born, I close the door and he just takes off like a bat out of hell.

How Rude…

The delusion and hot flashes last until 3 am. That was the last time I got out of bed to stick my head in the freezer. Needless to say I didn’t take any supplements that night.

Friday December 21st 2018

I get up and changed without a major struggle this morning. I decided to not take any supplements again today. I am able to go to work without having a meltdown. Everything is fine until about 1:00 pm. It started when I noticed my fingers were purple and kinda black around the knuckles. At first my panic button was hulk smashed. I got up and ran to the door to see it in better light. I started rubbing at the areas and noticed it was kinda smearing and blending into other parts of my hand…

Okay, odd…I walk back to the desk and look for pen ink anywhere else. Nothing, I look at the chair I am sitting on, the cushion that is usually beige is now purple? Okay, what the heck is going on. I go to the washroom and pull down my pants..too much info I know, but I needed to figure out what was going on!

I am literally Barney from the waist down! My pants! The dye in my black pants are bleeding out all over my skin! I have worn these pants before many times and this have NEVER happened! It must be something in my bloodstream that is pulling the chemicals/dye out of my pants! I start to panic more. I can’t work another 7 hours like this! What if it is toxic or stains my skin?!

The next 30 minutes is complete mayhem..

I take a bottle of hand sanitize into a treatment room and a roll of paper towel. I take my pants off and start pumping hand sanitizer all over my legs and trying to wipe off the dye with paper towels frantically. I started off with a whole roll and almost finished it and there was still ink coming off from my legs! There was purple paper towel all over the floor and my legs were still purple! It looked like a Barney crime scene. At this point, I am running out of time before the doctor comes back to the clinic. Finally after 2 rolls of paper towel, soap, water, hand sanitizer, massage oil, and determination, my legs are starting to look normal.. but there is still dye on me. I do NOT want to put these damn pants back on and deal with this all over again. Plus, I don’t want to sit in the toxic dye that is going into my blood stream! So do you know I do?! I turn myself into the Michelin Man from the waist down! I literally wrap my legs in paper towel (the cheap kind not even the soft one) and keep it in place with scotch tape! All you here is the sound of crinkling every time I walk! You can see I have a something under the pants and it looks bulky and BAD. You can see some paper towel sticking out from the bottom of the pant leg. I CANNOT work like this! I run to the computer and type in our address in google maps followed by clothing stores nearby. There seems to be a women’s fashion store on the other side of the street. Maybe about a 5-10 min walk. I do not have a car here yet in Alberta, so I take the bus..I cannot walk around in public like this plus, the streets are covered in ice and I risk the chance of my klutzy ass falling and getting hit by a car. So what do I do? I call the store.

I call the store and explain my dilemma. They then offer to DELIVER pants to me…Deliver me pants… like a fucking Pizza! I was about to purchase pants over the phone and have it delivered to my office door. 2018 for the WIN..Everything was going to plan until she told me the price for a pair of tights…$150.00 dollars for a pair of tights….

LONG JOHNS DO NOT COST $150 DOLLARS!! UGH

I politely decline.. I would rather take my chances with toxic poisoning… I do not have the kind of money to be dropping $150.00 on leggings… I didn’t want to ask them about their other pants. Clearly this place is a high end women’s boutique for people who apparently print money in their basement.

I as down to 20 mins left before the Doctor returned…So I did why I do best in a panic..I do more stupid things. I walked over to the dollar store and bought a roll of saran wrap. Mhm. you read that right..I covered my entire lower body in plastic wrap so when I start to sweat, the dye under the plastic wrap will intensify and seep deeper into my pours.

And the IDIOT of the year award goes to MOI..

I finish work this way obviously cause what other choice do I have? I could tell the doctor and ask to leave but, after what happen the day before.. I do not wan’t to draw any more attention to myself. I got home and took a 1.5 hour shower. I washed my shame down the drain and went to bed. All that excitement was enough for me.

As I write this, it is currently the afternoon of December 22nd and I am 12 hours and 40 minutes away from flying home for the holidays. I have almost successfully made it to 2019. It has been a struggle to say the least but, the point of all this is to appreciate everyday.

Enjoy the holidays everyone! All the best for the new year! ❤

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS !! ❤

Jenna Out!

 

 

 

 

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 1


Green Goodness (Breakfast/Lunch)

  • 2 Cups of Green tea (chilled)
  • 1/2 Avocado
  • 1 Granny smith apple
  • 1 Cup sliced cucumber
  • 1 Celery stalk
  • 1 Cup of Parsley
  • 1 Scoop of super green powder
  • 1 handful of kale/baby spinach
  • 1 Tbs of Hemp seeds
  • 2 Tbs Chia seeds

Let’s start here. I made this diarrhea green smoothie this morning thinking “God! This is so healthy! I’m so excited!” But then I had my first sip and instantly got a headache. So one of two things happend. 1) Maybe because it tasted like baby braf and bird seeds. Or 2) My body was like “WTF is that?!? This is not beef!” Reject! 

Anyways, I finished that putrid drink that made me gag with every sip. Note to self green tea, it’s a no for me.. Especially when you leave the teabag in the cup overnight in the fridge. What a retard! Live and learn I guess.

I did however, manage to survive the entire day without eating a single solid.

Don’t even get me started with dinner… I attempted to make a smoothie that I’ve had at booster juice that tasted amazing! Umm… Needless to say it tasted NOTHING like it! It didn’t even LOOK like it! =( 

 Tropic-kale (Dinner)

  • Handful of kale
  • 1 Cup of mango
  • 1 Cup of pineapple 
  • 1/2 Banana
  • 2 Radishes 
  • 1/2 Tsp of Maca powder (red/black/yellow)
  • Cinnamon to top

What a horrible way to start off a 14 day smoothie lifestyle. Le BARF!

Male and Female “Friendships”

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The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.

Large Fruit

So, keeping busy for the past few days. Studying away for my Real Estate exam that I’m pretty sure I’m going to FAIL! Since I left the class we have all been keeping each other posted via email if we’ve passed the exam. Everyday that I check my email I get another update on another classmate that has successfully passed the exam. Yippee! ….I guess when they don’t hear from me it’s safe to say I failed right?

Well on top of all this “excitement”, I recently found out on Monday that I have an Ovarian cyst. Excellent! Just what I wanted! I went for an ultrasound for my bladder that is purposely destroying my life every waking minute by inflaming it’s goddamn self for NO reason. Not to mention that I’m highly allergic to every antibiotic known to mankind! Pretty sure my purpose in life was to be terminated by itself.

Anyways, so I’m in for this bladder ultrasound when the technician goes out of his way to “inform” me of this lovely news. To my understanding, you are just an ultrasound technician and you aren’t entitled to disclose this information to me. Thanks for literally SHOWING me this cyst the size of a freaking grapefruit dangling from my right ovary.
“Look here, do you see that? Do you see what I’m looking at?”
“….. Oh you mean that large black circle that takes up 90% of the screen. Yah I see it”

He then proceeds to inform me that I need a internal ultrasound camera inspection…. A what?

” Are you sexually active?”

“….depends on what test your planning on doing”

He then shows me this full out contraption with a camera on the end of it. After staring at it for a total of 27 seconds I calmly reply with,

“… I am 100 % positive that I’m a virgin and therefor, you are forbidden to use that.”

After 15 minutes of conversing back and forth of how important this test is, he then decides to inform me that it could possibly be because of my menstrual cycle and that it could just pop on its own.

…. Okay? And if it doesn’t? Then the next option is removal right?

So let me explain to you how I’ve been trying everything in my power to purposely try as pop this thing!
I hold my breath and try and create internal pressure. I push on the area and with every thrust I scream out POP! When I don’t think it’s working I resort to yelling at it.. POP YOU SON OF A BITCH! POP!
I engage in extreme physical activity, such as explosive leg and abdominal exercises. And when I feel pain, I run to the bathroom to check in hopes to find good news…. But nope. Nada.

So! … The internal examination is on Monday and well… I DON’T WANNA 😥

Watch, it’s gunna pop during the Real Estate exam. Knowing my shitty luck, BAM In the Ovary!..Exam is on Saturday morning… *Sigh*

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Oh my Jen, what’s that freakishly large breakfast fruit doing on your OVARY -.-