To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

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Answer To Previous Post

Come on guys! Really? I was hoping that people would peg me as a stripper! The hell! Instead you gave me BALLS! I swear I have some serious issues. *sigh*
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Well boys and girls the answer to the 2 lies 1 truth post is *drum roll* Number 2! Yes! I was that fucking retarded kid that saved my tooth-fairy money! Go buy a freaking chocolate bar right? Nope! I was frugal at a stupid age for one to even give a shit about the value of money, but hey! It paid off! I put it towards my PS1! Not like you cared! *cries*
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Now to uncover the lies :-). So, unfortunately I wasn’t a stripper. I say unfortunately because I probably would of made and had way more money. Ahem, instead, I worked in a banquet hall from the ages of 13-18. No! It did not involve me taking off my clothes! I started off as a dishwasher… *sigh* yep, for 2 years until I was 15. Then they put me in coat check for a year. At 16 I started waitressing till 18. I then earned the title as head waitress and bartender. This is how I made money to be able to go to College. Not stripping. So HaH! By the way, that picture is of me at the age of 17 making cotton candy like a badass! God I hated that job. Holy bangs Batman! Look at that monster eating my forehead! What the hell was I thinking?!? *barf*
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I do own a gun though…The Nintendo Zapper *pew pew* 😀

50 Bucks You Say?

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“I bet you 50 bucks that you couldn’t last a second!”…. 50 bucks later. *Cries* Before your all like “What the fuck?” I’ll explain the stupid life decision I made. I bet my hairy, Portuguese boyfriend, that he wouldn’t last getting his ass cheek epilated. THE FUCKER DID IT! He actually did it!! I think the picture is pretty self explanatory of where I used the epilator. X marks the spot. Also, incase you don’t know what an epilator is, it’s a torturous device made for women to simultaneously rip out hair on their legs. Like 50 hairs at a time! Imagine a pair or tweezers ripping out hair really really fast! Fucking OUCH right? Ah, women. The shit we do to ourselves.

Oh! I also got his parents and his 8 year old brother to watch. Just because me being the giant cunt that I am, thought he would scream and cry like a little BITCH! Nope. Not a peep. I’m such a sadist. *Evil grin* But I was shit out of luck, lost 50 bucks, and now I’m broke, again. *Sigh*

So besides me having my boyfriends ass cheek hair in my brand new epilator, I’m 50 bucks in the shitter. Fuck.

I just wanted to share my new valuable life lesson on bets. No matter now painful and torturous the device is. When there’s money on the table. DON’T DO IT. That is all.

Songs That Make Me Happy In The Pants – Part 1

I have to be honest with you here. I am not the BIGGEST fan of Eminem. Sure he is the greatest white rapper of all time, (My opinion only, no need to cut my dick off) but I’ve never really been into Rap music anyway. But! But but but but BUTT!! There is a BIG exception when it comes to his latest song “Berserk.” Mainly because I am such a 80’s and 90’s music whore, you can clearly here the song “The Stroke” from Billy Squier! Sex Monkey!

Do you have those songs that, no matter what mood you are in, they can turn you absolutely fucking crazy! In a positive way of course! Like, just flat out nuts! Head banging, fist pumping, screaming the lyrics out like you don’t give a FUCK! There’s a baby right beside you. Fuck the baby! You scream and shout profanity at the top of your lungs anyways! THAT! Ladies and gents, is what this song DOES to me!

This is not a song you abuse and put on repeat to use the shit out of it like a street walker! You cherish that shit! That’s what you do!

This song makes me so CRAZY that when I come into my room, I kick the computer chair! I fucking kick that shit OUT of the way so I have room to go APE shit! I start playing air guitar and whipping my hair around!

rockout

I blast the music until my parents freak the fuck out at me! I tell them to SHUT UP! Then they threaten to disconnect my whole room from the fuse box. Bitches. But I freaking LOVE this song! It gets the juices flowing! Great song to smash stuff to by the way!

Confessions Part 1

scared-shitless

Have you ever had a fear of something so much that it was crippling? Like, just the thought of it would send you into fits of crying, panic attacks, extreme heart palpitations, and a horrible case of the shits or vomiting? If your really unlucky sometimes both, AT THE SAME TIME! Well if you don’t have one, consider yourself lucky!

Mine happens to be public speaking. Now before your all like “HA HA PUSSY,” just shut up and let me try and explain. Throughout my whole life, annoying cry baby Jenna wasn’t able to muster up the BALLS to talk in front of large groups of people. Large groups being more then 3-4 people. Nah! I’m shitting with you, more then 1. NOW, this goes for people that were my age too like classmates and such. Older people- FORGET it! But it gets way worse. You see, I would weasel my way out of presentations all the time! And when I say weasel I mean like fucking crying, that ugly whaling that makes people want to put you out Old Yeller style. Snot spewing all over the place, puking chunks from dinner the night before. It was gruesome. Thinking about it actually gives me the chills. I was such a whinny little twat that the teachers just did it so they wouldn’t have to listen to me. Looking back on those days makes me wish I could visit the younger me and beat the shit out of her. Repulsive.

Usually it would result in me doing the presentation for the teacher only, before or after class. GAWD I hated that Jenn! That Jenn had no life skills at all! Sadly, this dragged on into College where the teachers became more strict, so I couldn’t get away with as much. Nothing the good ol’ doctors note here and there couldn’t fix.

Anywhore, the point of this shitty story is, yesterday I had to present myself to a bunch of parents in a meeting. All I had to do really was explain to them about myself, my job, the purpose or role of me being there, and how I would be an asset. Pretty simple right? Who can’t talk about themselves? Hell fucking, NO. Not this chicken shit.

I woke up a total disaster yesterday morning. Knotted stomach, the case of explosive kamehameha turds. (It’s a Dragon Ball Z reference for those who didn’t know). On top of that, I swear I woke up with a bladder infection because my stupid body decided to shut down over night! Yah! Good for nothing meat sack.

Well anyway’s, in the end, I did it. Pretty well I might add. *happy face* That’s pretty much it. I Chuck Norrised that shit fear in the FACE. BOOM.

Moral of the story is, if you were or are a giant pussy just like me, just shut up because one day, no one is going to give a shit about how nervous or stressed out you are. Or how many times you had to change your pants because you shat yourself. Your only choice is to do it, or go bury yourself in the backyard cause chances are, your not going to make it in life.

So grow some fucking Shark Balls! Those balls are the fiercest. You’ll thank me later.

High-Five!