The Sad Reality of Covid-19

It’s true, Covid-19 has single handedly turned the lives of many upside down. The term Covid fatigue has 101 meanings. Tired of wearing masks, tired of social distancing, tired of screening and being screened every time you leave your house. Tired of not being able to live a “normal” life. The list goes on.

What about being tired of doing everything you can and more to not contract or spread the virus? How about being tired of living in fear of being the cause of taking someone’s life?

As a law abiding citizen who follows the rules and the advice of public health experts, I do my part. I leave my house to go to work because I have no choice. I sit on the bus and train everyday for 1.5 hrs each way to make a small paycheck every two weeks. I do this from 5am-5pm every, single, day.

I wear a mask. Three to be exact. Creating an 11 layer barrier from you while commuting on public transportation. I slowly suffocate myself in hopes to prevent getting sick. I then wear a mask at work for 8 hours a day. I do NOT complain about it…not because I want to, but because I have to.

On weekends, I wake up at 6:30am on a Saturday to be one 5 people in the grocery store to gather food and supplies for both me and my parents who I reside with at the time being. I come home and disinfect EVERYTHING. I remove my clothes everyday at the front door when I come home to make sure I bring nothing in that could infect my high risk parents. I social distance from EVERYONE. I do all this and more.. just to protect myself and others.

Are you doing everything you can do to protect me?

Let me ask you something, are you tired of not being able to see your significant other for almost a year? Chances are, this does not relate to you. But for me, this is a constant battle.

In November 2019, I made the decision to move back home to Toronto, ON from Edmonton, AB where I lived for 3 years with my significant other. He needed to be there to finish his schooling in electrical to gain his ticket. I made this choice to be closer to my family who needed me. I made this decision unknowingly that Covid-19 would shackle me down.

January 1st 2020 I physically said goodbye to my partner for the last time as I dropped him off at the airport. By physically I mean hugged and kissed. I have not touched him since. At the time, it hurt to say goodbye. Prior to that, I had not seen him since I moved back home from Edmonton. He came to visit me for the holidays. So a total of one and a half months of not seeing each other sucked. It felt like forever. But I thought to myself, I’ll visit him soon. Maybe in a month or two.

March 2020, days before the lockdown.

March break was just around the corner. I had planned on visiting him for a weekend. Sadly, myself and many others were laid off. Sitting ducks, just hoping for a green light. I practiced social distancing. I mean, I REALLY practiced social distancing. I could write the “how to” book.

In June I got the green light. Back to work I went. Things seemed to be getting better. A little glimmer of hope. Perhaps, sometime soon it will be safe to travel. Maybe, soon we will be able see each other again.

Day after day, the same routine. Never have I become lax. Never do I disobey rules and restrictions. I take this very seriously, for you and for me.

But here we are. On the verge of another lockdown. But why? Is it because you have to go to a restaurant with your friends? You have to have house parties? Feel the need to congregate? Flights are cheap so why the fuck not? Because your greedy need to live your life consumes you?

Congratulations. Thank you for ruining life for everyone else who follows the rules. The same people who also want to start living their lives again.

It was my partners birthday in July. I told myself “ the numbers are low. Perhaps it is possible, maybe it will be safe enough”. However, after many conversations, research, and common sense, I decided to wait. I decided it was not worth the risk to potentially get infected on the plane either there or back. We both agreed to wait it out.

If everyone would do the same, think the same, follow protocols the same.. perhaps our numbers would not be so high. If people would just STOP and THINK for a god damn minute.. maybe, just maybe.. we would not be in this situation.

Next month is my birthday. It is Christmas and New Year’s Eve. My significant other will be all alone with no family. All his family is here in Ontario. I wanted ever so badly to be able to go be with him for the holidays. I thought by now, things would be better. But they are not. They are worse.

The round trip flight to Edmonton for a week during the holidays is absolutely insane. $240.00!!! Prices have never been that low! Especially for the holidays. While most people will certainly take advantage of this, I will not. I will not risk the health of my loved ones to fill a selfish need. I will not be the cause of a spread.

It breaks my heart to think of him sitting alone in his apartment on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve. Depression is real, and people are struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel. On January 1 2021, it will mark an entire year of being apart. An entire year of only seeing each other through a screen. An entire year of sleeping together on the phone. All we want is to be able to hold each other again.. and you are making it impossible. If I had the money, I would buy an entire plane to myself just to see him.. but obviously I can’t. He can’t come here because he would have no were to quarantine god forbid he fell ill. This is not living..not even close.

Call me paranoid, call me a sheep, call me whatever you want. But I call it being safe. I call it being tired of this “new norm”.. I want my life back. I want to travel, I want to see my friends, hug my partner, see my coworkers faces when they smile. I want to sit at a coffee shop with a friend and laugh about the good times. I want to not worry on my way to work or home that someone on the bus could be a carrier. I want to not feel the need to punch someone in the throat for not wearing a mask. This whole situation has made me an angry person.. a bitter person.. I trust no one.. and for good reason. People are selfish and only think about themselves and their short term wants and desires.

I want my future to be better. Not this life.

Stop embracing this “new norm”.. fight it.

Wear your mask. Stay home if you can. Stop gathering. Stop travelling unless you REALLY have to. Just STOP.

I do not care if you believe this is real or not. Just do your fucking part and STOP the spread.

Please, I am begging you…just…..stop.

Early Midlife Crisis

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Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

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