Early Midlife Crisis

1450953_10151986288483361_2014546012_n

Seriously, I do. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m questioning everything that I’m doing and why. Where am I going? What will I do next?

I feel completely useless at this point in my life and why? Because I don’t have a University Bachelor’s Degree! Apparently in today’s society, unless you have a community college Diploma or University Degree, you are considered stupid and not worthy to hire. Are you joking?!

I’m going to share a small personal story of my life. I started working at the age of 12-13 years old. All throughout high-school, I continued to  work a physically taxing job as a waitress, destroying my body through it’s developmental years. Why? All this to save up money to go to college where I decided to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education)  It was a split program where two years were spent in college, the other 2 in University. After that I would of been off to teachers college. After the first year and two semesters later, I was broke from paying my tuition. I forgot to mention I applied for OSAP, but was declined or offered next to nothing, I can’t remember exactly. Anyway’s, I had no choice but to drop out and continue working to make enough money to go back to school.

After 6 months of working hard, I decided to try and go back to school. During the 6 months I had off to work and think, I had ran into many other options of what I could possibly do. I love science. Absolutely love it to death. I also loved the healthcare field and helping people. I couldn’t afford to go to University unless I was granted OSAP, College wasn’t doing it either in terms of tuition. Next best thing was private College. I decided to learn a profession in healthcare. Somehow I managed to work enough hours to pay off the tuition as I went through school. After two years, I graduated, shortly after did my board exams and got my licence in 2010 and have been working as a Registered Healthcare Practitioner for almost 4 years now. Shortly after followed that up with another two forms of holistic healthcare professions. I’m great at what I do and I love helping people. So what is the problem?

I am physically drained and falling apart. Yesterday during one of my treatments, my bloody clavicle dislocated and popped out. I am a complete and total wreck with one injury occurring after the other. If you look at an X-ray of my body, I look like a lopsided MONSTER! I cried when I saw my own X-rays of my spine for the first time! I questioned the Chiropractor how I could possibly look like that on the inside but, show no signs on the outside. Apparently my meat suit is more durable then my interior.

Looking for other forms of employment, I notice all of them require a community College degree/diploma or a University Degree. I am basically considered USELESS without ONE! So now what?!?!

I am scared of what my future holds next and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Should I go back to school? Can I even afford it?! Is it worth putting myself through finical debt?!  What if I fail?! Am I smart enough for University? Will I have to take math?!?! (I’d rather die then take math..I literally stopped at BEDMAS)

My main fear is having to take steps backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I have wasted all this time, and destroyed my 23 year old body for nothing. The fact that I’m self-hating is pathetic which is the only word I can use right now to describe such an emotion. There are people out there who have it way worse then I do and, probably with alot less options at hand.

*Sigh* Just in a rut I guess…

That was longer then I expected. Well there yah go. Now you know why I am being pathetic and hopeless on a blog site that in all honestly, you could care less about.

I’ll go back to being my rude crude self again. That always makes me feel better!

1170945_402937596472496_1468426628_n