To Trim Or Not To Trim

Forewarning before you continue reading, this is going to be a TMI personal story I’m about to share with you. For those of you who don’t know what TMI stands for.. TO MUCH INFORMATION!

But this story is too embarrassing for me not to share 🙂 I’m willing to sacrifice my shame and dignity for your entertainment…

Haha! Yeah okay, what dignity?? If you have been a follower or have ever been unfortunate enough to read anything I post, you already know I wasn’t given dignity as a character trait when born.

That being said, I would like to take you to the deepest darkest place known to human.. my thoughts.. got you there didn’t I? You were thinking hell weren’t you! Nah, hells got NOTHING on me.

It all started yesterday when I went to the washroom to pee. I saw the amazon rainforest that rested upon my nether region. I thought to myself ..”damn bitch, did you forget what a razor is or you just that poor to afford one?”

It’s true, it’s been like … err.. 3 months give or take since I’ve taken anything remotely sharp to my bonsai tree .. that’s being too gracious.. bonsai trees are small.

I decided enough is enough! At this point, I am probably harbouring some small Pygmy village in there! .. kidding.. maybe.

I went to work and like any desperate *cough* BUDGETING *cough* female, I did some research. Usually, I’m a waxer.. but I’ve also come across some interesting studies that too much waxing can lead to saggy pussy syndrome. I made it up.. sorry for the profanity. I’m not. I don’t want a downstairs “like sleeve of wizard” as quoted by the famous Boart. Also, let’s be real for a seconds for my female readers.. waxing is essentially theft. Common, am I right or no? You get charged per body part.. umm I’m Italian, give me the Sasquatch special please and thank you. Use the heaviest duty wax out there while you are at it.

Shaving, what is it to shave? You can spend scents, dollars, sometimes more depending on how many layers of skin you want to take off or amount of blood you want to lose. But for an Italian, shaving is a waste of time. I shit you not. I shave, literally 5 mins later, 6 o’clock shadow. UGH

Plus, with shaving comes darker, thicker, more angrier hair! You would need a machete to cut through that crap!

Now trimming… trimming sounds effective and easy. Almost fail proof if you ask me. I watched some youtube videos on which ones are decent and how to use them. I came across this and decided to buy it at shoppers drug mart after work.

Bonus! It was also on sale! Booyah!

Fast forward..I am now home finished showering and have prepared the “work” area for the mess it was about to receive.. RIP bathroom..

I’m going to try and be as graphic as possible..

I placed my left foot on the top of the sink to get the best possible angle, lighting, and view of what I was doing. Everything was going fine. Until I see a stream of blood pouring down the inside of my leg. For a moment, I thought I trimmed my lady lips off. I screamed and my roommate came flying into the bathroom door…no knock or anything.. just swat team entrance.

Let me paint this extremely embarrassing picture for you.. I’m standing there completely NAKED.. one leg still propped up open wide on the sink counter.. blood everywhere! Toilet paper covered in blood everywhere ..I tried to stop the bleeding with toilet paper .. yeah..

He yells “what the hell did you do!?” To which I reply in tears and whimpering like a puppy ” I don’t knowwwww”

He grabs a towel and covers me and runs to get paper towel. By this point I realize that I didn’t massacre my lady bits.. but caused a small flesh wound on my finger that was causing the excessive bleeding..

What I’m assuming happen was the razor on the other end of the trimmer must have cut me.. I didn’t notice until blood was everywhere.. Stupid high end razors and their fancy 5 blade bullshit.. I would of know I got cut if I used a cheap razor.. trust me.

So hey, the poor dude gets back after seeing me completely naked, bleeding to death, spread eagle on the sink.. and now I have to tell him it’s my finger that’s bleeding… just my finger..

His response is to roll his eyes and throw an entire roll of paper towel at me and say “dude, you can’t even maintain yourself like a normal human being”… By the way, we’ve been roommates for just over a year… That just goes to show you how USELESS I AM!

Not my finest moment.. and I don’t really have many.. but this one takes the cake.

The verdict is.. if you can use a butter knife safely, you can probably use a trimmer. But, if you are likely to hurt yourself with a plastic butter knife.. also, not one of my finest moments… stay clear from anything with a blade.

Jenna out!

The Story Of The Lost iPhone And Missing Owner

This story I am about to tell you is some serious Nancy Drew shit.

The story takes place on a crisp Monday morning. I was on my way to an appointment and was headed to the bus stop near my place of residence. Inside the bus stop in the corner of my eye, something caught my attention on the bench. It was a red iPhone 8 plus. I looked away and straight ahead. I guess what I saw didn’t process. A moment later I glance at it again. Hesitant, I slowly inch myself towards it. I look from side to side checking my surroundings. Am I being set up?

I slowly reach towards the phone and press the home button. The screen illuminates and I see a few notifications and the background photo. It’s the face of a child. I automatically assume this phone belongs to a parent. I pick up the phone and examine it. It has a Kate Spade case on. It’s figure it’s a mother or a very proud aunt. Also, the phone is locked with a pass code, great. I then realize my bus will be there in less then 2 minutes. I need to make a decision what to do with this phone. Do I leave it and not make it a responsibility? Do I take it with me? I need to make a choice now. If I leave it, I risk the chance someone who will not return it might get their hands on it. This bus stop tends to have mainly students and teenagers and it is still early morning. Many people will be at this bus stop in the next hour or so.

If you could believe there was a sticky note on the ground inside the bus stop, believe it. I picked it up and noticed there were 3 names written on it. I don’t read the names. I scratch them out and write “if you lost an iPhone, call the iPhone or call my number *my number here*” then place it on the glass inside the bus stop. The bus pulls up beside the stop and I place the phone in my purse and get on. Immediately, I start the investigation process.

How long was the phone there for? The last notification was 14 minutes ago from Instagram. A text message comes through. I realize that message preview is on and I can read everything that comes in. The person is saying she can’t work those days since she will be on holidays. The number is saved so I can’t contact the person since the phones locked. Someone else texted. Same kinda thing, work schedule related and mentions her name, Veronica. So from the information I’m gathering, her name is Veronica and she has something to do with scheduling people’s work shifts.

It’s been 30 mins now since I’ve had the phone and the owner hasn’t tried to call. A third text comes in. This time, the number is not saved in the phone and I can use my phone to call or text it. So that’s exactly what I do. No one answers when I call so I send a text. My text says:

By this point I have reached my destination and 4 more text messages have come in. All within the same context, work scheduling related. All these numbers are also saved to the address book so the number is not available to me. I haven’t mentioned yet how I’ve tried to Facebook search the names of the people who have been texting or searching the name Veronica on Facebook relative to Edmonton, Alberta.. Also, way too many freaking Veronica’s in Edmonton. Just saying.

At this point I have some time in between waiting for me to be seen and signing forms. I try Siri again. “call home”…. nothing.. “call HOME”…. nothing… “call mom” …nada..

I get called in and I’m in there roughly 45 minutes. I check the phone for activity, nothing other then 3 more texts about work schedule crap. Where the hell is the damn owner of this phone? She must have noticed by now her phone is missing!

I now leave my appointment and head for he bus stop to go to work. Once on the bus, Veronica’s phone rings. I answer immediately. “Hello! Veronica? Hello? Is this Veronica??”… “insert some foreign language” then I get hung up on.. okay.. not Veronica? I proceed to send that person I texted before another message.

The minute I get to work, I call Rogers Place. I get no one so I leave a voicemail.. a very descriptive voicemail in regards to the situation. 5 minutes later I get a phone call on my phone. It is someone from Rogers Place.. not Veronica. I am told that there is no one by the name Veronica that works in Human Resources.. at this point I’m at a loss for words. She then proceeded to tell me they have contract workers who aren’t permanent and that she will do some digging on her end. The call ends and I’m left starting to worry about this women name Veronica..

What if something happen to her? What if she left her phone there because she doesn’t want to be found? What if she’s missing? I know if I lost my phone (which I have before for a total of 10 minutes… worst 10 minutes of my LIFE) I would have called it immediately.

But it could be a work phone and she might not remember the number.. I have to stay positive that everything will work out and that Veronica is okay.

Fast forward, I’m at work for a couple of hours. It’s my day off actually but I decided to go in to get some stuff done off the clock. I can do that. It’s now 3:30 pm and still no freaking word from the owner. Just my multiple texts from works saying that can’t work one “those” days… no wonder she left her phone.. I wouldn’t want to deal with the disappointment of people not wanting to work.

I’m now heading to my massage appointment for 5:00 pm. Another text comes in and it’s not work related I don’t think. Mainly cause it’s not in English and has a smiley face with the tongue sticking out. I decide to pop open google translate on my phone and type in the text. It reads “bring us dessert please =P” and the translation came from the Filipino language. Okay.. so Veronica is a Filipino mom who does or doesn’t work in Human Resources at the Rogers Place, who deals with rejections of people’s work schedules. GREAT

At this point I’m convinced something weird is going on… did this women do something wrong? Does she not want to be found? Am I now going to be targeted for something? What the hell! I was just trying to help this person out! She’s making it extremely difficult! Where in the world is Veronica?!

At this point my mom is freaking me out filling my head with nonsense. She tells me to bring it to the police. That’s just what I plane to do tomorrow. If you are wondering why I haven’t done that yet it’s because clearly this women lives super close to me. She uses the same bus stop. The closest police department is almost near the other end of town. I’m doing it for convenience of he owner.

On my way to my massage, I pass by the bus top and grab he sticky note with my phone number on it.. my mom scared me and I didn’t want my cellphone number circulating around.

After my massage I send the person I have been texting another message.

She doesn’t respond to me till awhile later. At this point I have the phone on loud ringer, on my tv stand, with a cloth over the speaker and camera because honestly… who the hell knows anymore. I don’t trust people in this world anymore.

8:36 pm Veronica’s phone rings. I run to it but miss the call, luckily you can just swipe to recall a missed call. A women answers and I say “hello! Veronica?” She replies with “no, but I’m looking to speak to her” She sounds concerned..my next words are ” let me explain to you why I have her phone..”. I explain my case and ask her if she has another way to contact Veronica. She tells me she will get a hold of her, thanks me, and informs me that the phone is very important to her and she is probably worried about it…. but them how come she hasn’t tried to contact it I ask. She says she doesn’t know and will look into it. I give my number and name to her and she goes on her way.

9:03 pm my phone rings.. “Hello Jennifer?” “Veronica!?”..”yes, hello, its me, do you have my phone still?” I confirm I still have it and immediately ask her why she hasn’t called it or tried to find it all day. Her excuse… she was at a Christmas party. -.-‘ damn it woman! I have been worried about you all day and here you are probably getting shit faced and forgot you even had a phone! I didn’t say this to her… obviously.. I just thought it. She told me she thought she forgot it at home and didn’t think anything of it since it is a work phone.

She asks if she can come by around 9:30 pm since she’s on her way home from the party. I ask if I can deliver it to her since I still don’t actually believe the entire situation. She is using her friends phone and asks if she can call me with it when she gets to her house. Which by the way, is literally ACROSS the street. She texts me her address and her house phone number since I have her cellphone. She calls me when she gets home and I suit up to leave my house at 9:46 pm to return this woman’s phone.

As I walk to her house, I think of the scenario and what I will ask her to do to prove she’s Veronica. I decide she either types the code in the phone and unlocks it or tells me what the photo on the screen is. I get to the house, call her house phone and she immediately comes to the door. Sure enough, there is a lady who is Filipino with a bottle of wine in her hand at the door. She smiles and says hello. I say something like “I know this sounds weird, but can you please confirm this really is your phone?” She smiles and starts saying the pass code. I turn the phone screen to her and she types it in. The phone unlocks and I sigh with relief. She then reaches out her arm with the wine bottle in hand. I say “oh no! It’s okay really, I’m just glad you are okay!” And she smiles and stretches it out at me again. So I take it and say thank you. It was a weird day and honesty, I just wanted to go home to bed.

As I walked home, I giggled and thought to myself “of course this would happen to me.. my life is so damn boring I needed excitement” 🙂 which is why it is now a story I am sharing with you!

I haven’t been active over the past 2 years, and that was just mainly a me thing. I guess I lost interest, or maybe lost the motivation to sit down and type. But when I do, I promise it’s a novel that’s for sure! Haha

I hope everyone who reads this has made an effort to help someone out this year. It’s a great feeling especially near Christmas time to be able to help someone in need. I never expected a reward and honestly, was more concerned about the well being of Veronica.

Acts of kindness people! Let’s make this world a better place! ❤️

Peace out ✌🏼

Jenna Rambles

14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 5

  

Yellow Smoothie (Breakfast/Lunch)

  • 1/2 Cup Almond milk
  • 1/2 probiotic yogurt 
  • Handful of Pineapple and mango
  • 1/2 Banana
  • Tiny bit of grated ginger 

This recipe was AMAZING! It was like dessert for breakfast! Although, It probably could of used some protein powder somewhere in there, since I was starving by 2 pm waiting at the Chiropractor.

Okay, let’s talk about the dinner smoothie. I actually vomited this up. I tried, I really did. It was soooo sweet! And thick! When I say thick I mean thicker then jam.. It was vile. It was so bad I cried for help while drinking it. Then my body said “fuck this” and decided to expel this dirty smoothie I was forcing down my throat. Needless to say anything my vomit touched is now stained for life. If you thought tomato sauce or ketchup was hard to get out…. Think again. Try getting blueberry beet puke out of a white sweater. HAH! Good luck! 

Also. If that wasn’t warning enough here.

WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Purple potion(Dinner)

  • 3/4 cup of beets
  • 1 cup antioxidant juice
  • 1 cup of blueberries 
  • 1 carrot 



14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 2

  

Peanut Butter Jelly Smoothie (breakfast/lunch)

  • 1 cup chilled black coffee
  • 1 cup chocolate almond milk
  • Handful of mixed berries 
  • 1 Tbs peanut butter 
  • 1/4 cup chocolate whey protein powder
  • Pinch of cinnamon 

Verdict = freaking Godly!!

This smoothie tasted A-Mazing! The only con to this smoothie was the fact it tasted so good that, it never made it till lunch! Heck! It barely made it out the door! Definitely going to be making this smoothie again! It honestly tasted like an amazing PBnJ sandwich without the bread, with a kick of chocolate and coffee! Soooo tasty!

It gave me energy throughout the entire day. It also gave me the urge to shit myself, seeing as the coffee is like a diuretic to me -.-‘.. STILL, an awesome smoothie none the less. For lunch, I decided to bring back solids.. If you consider hummus and baby carrots lunch I guess. I NEEDED TO CHEW! It was more of a snack. I caved. Although, it was pizza Friday at work today and the meat lovers pizza looked me dead in the eyes. I said no, not today my friend, not today. Self-control FTW!… I stole a piece of sausage though…What? I’M HUMAN!

My dinner smoothie looked and sounded pretty promising! Until you get to the middle layer… the green layer… the layer of death. HOLY FUCKING PARSLEY! When I tasted it before I layered it on, it wasn’t too bad. I tasted more Kiwi then anything. That was because it was only a spoon full. I drank this bad boy with a straw and let me tell you, I nearly gagged to death. In a state of panic I swirled the straw around and ended up mixing the three layers together. OH my JESUS. It tasted like a homeless man’s corn hole. I don’t know what that actually tastes like, but I can only imagine it would taste like that. GAG.

I’m starting to see a trend here. Parsley is the devil and should be banned from all smoothies! WHO DOES THIS TO A SMOOTHIE!?! GAWD!  3 Layer Smoothie (Dinner)

Top Layer

  • 1 Tomato
  • 1/2 Cup frozen mixed berries
  • 1 Tsp Organic Maca powder
  • Chia seeds

Middle Layer

  • Handful of parsley
  • Handful of Spinach and Kale
  • 1 Kiwi
  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Tbs of Green powder
  • Chia seeds

Bottom Layer

  • 1/2 Organic Banana
  • 1 Orange
  • 1 Cup of frozen diced Mangos

Verdict = mmm-DEAD-YUMMMM (In order of layers)

Needless to say, I survived day 2 and ready to take on day 3! The smoothies better come out 10/10 tomorrow. One more horse shit smoothie and I’m out!.. Not out… just loosing faith….I can’t swallow any more Booster Juice lies *cries*

Male and Female “Friendships”

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The ultimate statement here is; “Men and women CAN NOT be just “friends”…. Well…why the hell not?!

Why is it so difficult to carry out a healthy friendship between a male and female without ulterior motives?

Does someone in the friendship always end up falling for the other participant?

Were the opposite sex ONLY meant to connect in coitus to reproduce?

I hate the idea of this. Why can’t two people just be considered really good friends?

I understand the whole, “people in relationships should be friends first before they date” bit. And before you start with the “friend-zone” lets be honest with ourselves shall we? We can safely say that the person being put there already has feelings.
But what if, it never gets to that point? Is this even possible?!

Some like to say I am in denial about the whole thing. Others call me gullible. I call it having faith. Granted, it never successfully happens to me. Ever. Never. Not once. Looking back I can honestly say that any male friend(s) I had that were NOT considered my “boyfriend” wanted to put a ring on it. Wanted to spread their gene pool with me. Wanted to die and be buried besides me! You get the gist of
It.

Growing up, I always got along with the opposite sex more. I was a full blown Tomboy. Barbies? Nah! Hot wheels and Tonka trucks for the win! As I grew up,
sports as video games became my life, while the girls my age went shopping for 4-5 hours a day. I hated girls, mainly because we never saw eye to eye. They wanted to gossip and I wanted to make prank phone calls. They wanted to paint nails and I wanted to play in dirt!

As I went through highschool, I lost alot of my guy friends. I was always in a serious relationship so they would just back away. Forget calling them out on it, they avoid it like the plague.

Recently I has got into an argument with Matthew about how all my guy friends just want “pussy”!Excuse me? Half of them are convinced I have dong! I happen to be the most vile, non-classy female EVER. Besides my sailor mouth, belching contests, and shameless behaviour, what gave that away :)?

As of now I am on a mission! I am determined to prove to him that this “idea” or “stigma” is false! As my first test, I decided to start with my present coworker who is certain he cannot put his feelings aside, and contain a healthy friendship without wanting more.

Current test results – Negative sir.

Stay tuned for a follow up on updated progress, hopefully.

Noticeable Trend

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I have my G exam tomorrow. Do you know how scary it is to take any of your driving tests in Toronto? It is soooo scary that everyone I know, does it out of the city, mainly up north. Not me. I did my G2 here, and now it’s time for my G. Only thing is…. I CAN’T PARALLEL PARK OR REVERSE PARK TO SAVE MY LIFE! Why?!? Because I never used these things! I don’t drive downtown and I always make sure I have a pull through parking spot! If I don’t at first, I drive around in circles till my ass finds one! Basically, I doomed tomorrow. *sigh* I don’t suppose staying up all night will help me pass right?

Crap!

Just For Fun

100THINGS

 

Yes, you read right! I’m bored and thought this would be something fun to do to pass time.

Well here it goes…100 things.

1) I obviously have nothing better to do since I’m doing this.

2) I love reading and writing.

3) I really enjoy drawing and being creative/artistic.

4) I also love music and anything to do with it. Playing, listening, etc.

5) I am really good with my hands.

6) Numbers 3 and 4 are examples of 5.

7) I massage people for a living. Professionally.. I’m Registered. (also refers to number 5)

8) I’m really afraid of public speaking.

9) I am horrible with communicating my feelings.

10) I hate crying. Although, I do it often.

11) I hate vomiting even more. I tend to cry after I vomit…It’s pathetic really.

12) I resent both of my parents.

13) 7 is my favourite number or anything with 7 in it.

14) I use to sing in the choir until my grade 2 teacher told me I sing like a dog.

15) My favourite colour is currently bright-lime green.

16) It use to be black. Moving up in life.

17) I’ve successfully completed ALL my laundry for the week.

18) Apparently I’m considered over emotional..

19) I like to call it being sensitive.

20) I can taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke.

21) I love video games. Pc, PlayStation, Nintendo, you name it, I’ve most likely played it.

22) I am 75% Italian, 20% German, and 5% Polish.

23) I have over 5 calendars and agendas/schedulers but never use them.

24) I have four pets currently. Two dogs and two cats.

25) One of the dogs actually belongs to me. I bought him for $800 .

26) So he’s legally mine

27) I named him Nocello.

28) I have a sister and 3 half sisters.

29) I use to have a rabbit named Pepper and a Parrot named Pete when I was younger.

30) I really need to pee.

31) I am Catholic.

32) I worked from the age of 11 at a banquet hall.

33) I had to pay for my own education if I ever wanted to amount to something.

34) If I get jealous, it’s for an actual reason.

35) I painted my toe nails bright-highlighter-Yellow cause I can.

36) I have a a bleeding heart.

37) I love helping people.

38) Number 37 conflicts with number 36.

39) I am petrified of sharks.

40) My greatest fear actually is a plane crashing into the ocean and still being alive, but then a shark eats me.

41) I realize how stupid number 40 sounds so, shut up.

42) I always have to sleep with a pillow either between or under my legs.

43) I love roller-coasters and extreme rides.

44) I will try anything at-least once!

45) But if it doesn’t please all senses, I’ll never eat it again.

46) Most people probably stopped reading this at number 4.

47) I dropped French class after grade 9.

48) I regret high school and wish I could do it over again.

49) I love to play music REALLY LOUD!

50) I actually screamed that in my head as I typed it. Thought you should know.

51) I love older music. Anything from the 50’s to late 90’s.

52) I hate my body ratio.

53) Let me rephrase that. It’s ass to love handle ratio.

54) I cannot stand romantic movies and chick flicks.

55) I only saw American Pie 1 for the first time 2 weeks ago.

56) I took up blogging a few years ago because, I think writing in a diary is lame.

57) I own and use 2 diary’s fairly often.

58) I like feedback from people that actually read the shit I write.

59) I enjoy reading other peoples blogs.

60) I’m still deciding on what to do with my life.

61) I just finished my first Real Estate course exam on Saturday.

62) I think I failed, but wont know till midweek or later.

63) I’m super impatient when it comes to waiting for grades or test results.

64) I fear failing at anything at all times.

65) I’m afraid of ending up alone.

66) I’m considered photogenic.

67) It takes me one minute and 3 seconds to do my hair.

68) I can stay up all night just laughing and telling jokes.

69) Sometimes my laugh can disturb the peace of the public.

70) I’ve been told I sound like Bart Simpson when I laugh.

71) Thank God Bart Simpson’s voice is done by a female.

72) I own EVERY season of Family Guy.

73) I can imitate Lois Griffin’s voice.

74) I love sunflowers.

75) And sunflower seeds.

76) I don’t care if people like me or not.

77) Unless they are people that have to be around me all the time.

78) I still need to pee.

79) I chew way too much gum.

80) I have gum packs everywhere.

81) My sister is 2 years younger.

82) She use to steal all my clothes and personal belongings.

83) This is why I purposely put a lock on my bedroom door.

84) I just put a piece of gum in my mouth.

85) Nom, Nom, Nom.

86) It’s spearmint. Yum.

87) My only bad habit was biting my nails but, I stopped 2 years ago.

88) First time I shaved my downstairs was in grade 7.

89) I felt bald.

90) the only reason I did it was because my best-friend told me too.

91) Math was never my forte.

92) I love spicy food.

93) Cinnamon is my favourite spice.

94) I should really go pee before I get another bladder infection or it explodes.

95) I have a horrible sweet-tooth.

96) I sometimes skip out on food, but devour dessert.

97) Especially Chocolate.

98) I carry around my Iphone and Ipod Touch.

99) I’m certain no one is reading this. (Maybe Paul =D)

100) 100! Okay I’m done. Bathroom time!

 

 

 

 

 

Large Fruit

So, keeping busy for the past few days. Studying away for my Real Estate exam that I’m pretty sure I’m going to FAIL! Since I left the class we have all been keeping each other posted via email if we’ve passed the exam. Everyday that I check my email I get another update on another classmate that has successfully passed the exam. Yippee! ….I guess when they don’t hear from me it’s safe to say I failed right?

Well on top of all this “excitement”, I recently found out on Monday that I have an Ovarian cyst. Excellent! Just what I wanted! I went for an ultrasound for my bladder that is purposely destroying my life every waking minute by inflaming it’s goddamn self for NO reason. Not to mention that I’m highly allergic to every antibiotic known to mankind! Pretty sure my purpose in life was to be terminated by itself.

Anyways, so I’m in for this bladder ultrasound when the technician goes out of his way to “inform” me of this lovely news. To my understanding, you are just an ultrasound technician and you aren’t entitled to disclose this information to me. Thanks for literally SHOWING me this cyst the size of a freaking grapefruit dangling from my right ovary.
“Look here, do you see that? Do you see what I’m looking at?”
“….. Oh you mean that large black circle that takes up 90% of the screen. Yah I see it”

He then proceeds to inform me that I need a internal ultrasound camera inspection…. A what?

” Are you sexually active?”

“….depends on what test your planning on doing”

He then shows me this full out contraption with a camera on the end of it. After staring at it for a total of 27 seconds I calmly reply with,

“… I am 100 % positive that I’m a virgin and therefor, you are forbidden to use that.”

After 15 minutes of conversing back and forth of how important this test is, he then decides to inform me that it could possibly be because of my menstrual cycle and that it could just pop on its own.

…. Okay? And if it doesn’t? Then the next option is removal right?

So let me explain to you how I’ve been trying everything in my power to purposely try as pop this thing!
I hold my breath and try and create internal pressure. I push on the area and with every thrust I scream out POP! When I don’t think it’s working I resort to yelling at it.. POP YOU SON OF A BITCH! POP!
I engage in extreme physical activity, such as explosive leg and abdominal exercises. And when I feel pain, I run to the bathroom to check in hopes to find good news…. But nope. Nada.

So! … The internal examination is on Monday and well… I DON’T WANNA 😥

Watch, it’s gunna pop during the Real Estate exam. Knowing my shitty luck, BAM In the Ovary!..Exam is on Saturday morning… *Sigh*

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Oh my Jen, what’s that freakishly large breakfast fruit doing on your OVARY -.-

International Woman’s Day

Did you know what today was?
Neither did I.

It was actually brought to my attention by a coworker who wanted to share with me what today should be about.

Apparently, woman today are NOT supposed to work. Funny, I’m sitting at work right now as I write this post. Woman are NOT supposed to cook. Woman are SUPPOSED to be appreciated….. Isn’t this supposed to be everyday? The appreciation part. Woman belong in the kitchen and I don’t believe in woman just sitting on their asses. ANYWHO the point of this post is, she has told me she asked her boyfriend purposely what today was.
His reply was “….is it our anniversary?”…No…..”… Is it the anniversary of the day you came to Canada?…”… No.

Why do men automatically think it’s an anniversary day?!

To test this theory, I tired it myself.

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See? Never fails.

But any-who! To all females everywhere, happy international woman’s day!