Feeling Truly Alone For The First Time – Off My Chest

I’ve been alive for exactly 30 years and 6 months…If there is one thing I have learnt in my time on earth, females friends are the absolute WORSE. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

Now, let me make a few things clear.. there are exceptions.. as to anything. This is my personal opinion based solely off experience.. every experience.

But right now… I am extremely hurt and feel absolutely alone. Never in my life would I picture being friendless and rejected…It REALLY eats at you and makes you question your worth and if there is something wrong with you.

I have always considered myself to be a friendly and social person. People tend to feel comfortable around me and open up to me with ease and trust me immediately. I never has issues making friends. I just found it harder to make female friends since I don’t have a lot in common with most women. I tend to avoid drama, backstabbing, and fakes in general..However, once you are my friend, I will never EVER turn my back on you, hurt you, or make you feel less about yourself. Unfortunately, even if you treat me like absolute shit for no god damn reason, or kick me to the curb once you are done using me, I will still be there, trying to figure out why and if I did something wrong to cause you to treat me this way. Pathetic? Sure.. Loyal? 100%..

Recently over the years, I have started to notice significant changes in the people who are considered my “friends”..

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have lived outside of my home province for about 3 years. Recently, I moved back in November of 2019. Lets call these the golden days, pre-Covid-19. One of the major reasons I moved back home was because I felt super lonely in Alberta. Sure, I had my significant other but that wasn’t enough. I missed my family, my friends, my memories I had from Ontario. I did not feel complete. I wanted to be able to see my friends and hug them, make memories with them, not just speak to them over text or phone call.(Although I will explain how that was not the case entirely because I still made a huge effort to be involved in my friends lives). I hated being so far away when things went downhill..like a parent being ill and you feeling useless from afar. So, just before Christmas, I made my permanent return to a place I thought I had it all… good friends and my family. What a JOKE that was.

It has been almost a year since I have returned and I have seen my “friends” ONCE. Just once. I still don’t believe it was even intentional verses one of my other friends didn’t want be alone with me. It breaks my heart to even talk about this, but it has left me feeling like a complete reject for no reason.

I have this group of girl friends that I use to work with. A group of four including myself. We saw each other all the time at work, and spoke often and made plans outside of work. If it wasn’t all together, it was one on one. But I was always invited and I felt wanted. These girls were there for me during the hardest times in my life. when I lost the most important person in my life.. my grandmother. They also banned together and left the place we all worked and met at because I was let go for no reason. (The reason being I was promised a certain position and raise before corporate took over. Once they did, they were hiring and promoting their own people so they had no choice but to let me go- shit right?) For that, I am forever grateful and will love you forever and always. We were a power team and it felt like nothing could ruin that. Until now.. but why?

During my three years away I made a conscious effort to see my friends every time I visited home (which was often) even if I was only there for 3 days. I also went to Italy with one of the girls for a week. When we went on our annual cottage getaways, I made sure I was there to keep the tradition alive… mainly cause it means the world to me. To have that and share that with people you care about. The point is, even though I was 3 provinces away and lived with my partner… my friends always mattered. It wasn’t until the last cottage getaway we had that I felt unwanted.. felt like a burden.. and I didn’t receive any excitement or attention to the fact I was making an effort to be there. I was not expecting a red fucking carpet or fireworks… but a simple, “hey! I heard you are joining us! awesome! can’t wait” or a “glad to hear you are coming with us. See you soon!”… nothing.. I got literally… nothing…

I spoke to the friend I went to Italy with often.. the other ones always seemed  busy and one in particular NEVER fucking responded to my text messages when I tried to reach out. Let me also say that this one in particular was my friend first in the group of girls. We met first, hit it off first, and talked/hung out all the time. But just like that.. out of no where.. how I was or what I was up too didn’t seem to matter anymore. Her excuse when I would call her out on not answering me was ” Sorry… I get distracted easily.. like a squirrel”.. yet.. she always reaches out to the other two girls in the group and sees them often. I started to feel like she genuinely didn’t want to speak to me and targeted me personally. I also feel like she has become the group ringleader… I could explain why I feel that way.. but I think my examples will speak for themselves.

Anyways, the response I got when one reached out was more along the lines of annoyed. The one who reached out was the ringleader. It wasn’t to say “Hi, glad you are coming”.. It was “Hi, I am making a shopping list for the cottage. What do you want?”..At the time, I was just given diet restrictions from my Naturopathic Doctor.. which I take very seriously. So I was treated more like a pain in the ass and problematic because I had to be careful what I consumed. However! The years prior, one of the girls decided to go vegan out of no where two days before we were heading up because she watched a PETA video on youtube (that did not last long btw) ..and we were bringing up  meat for burgers and hot dogs that year .shopping was also done already….The year after, the friend I went to Italy with also has a list of dietary restrictions because she too, sees the same Naturopath Doctor. But let me tell you, there was never any snide remarks or comments made towards them.. not once. When it’s me though.. my GOD I am just the worst person to have around because I can’t eat nightshade vegetables, meat, and gluten! Hypocrites I tell you…and of course… the one making the BIGGEST stink about it, is the ringleader.. and when she starts on me.. they all start on me.

So, back to what fueled my fire to write this post..the Friday that just passed.

Since Covid-19 took over our lives, it has been very difficult to know if it safe or not to see people who do not live with us or who are family. However, the friend I went to Italy with I had been in contact with via text a few times. I mean, if she responded that was. I felt lately that I was reaching out to say hi and check on her.. but she wasn’t interested in replying or engaging in conversation. We spoke once in May over whatsapp video call. We spoke mostly about her at home working conditions, Covid-19, and things that related to her like her weight loss goals. not much about me was said or questioned.. Just that I was out of work because the clinic was shut down. At the end of the conversation, I had put it out there that if she ever wanted me to come over, we could go for walks if she was interested or even chat in the driveway at a distance. She said sure, that sounds good. Never once did she reach out…I texted her a few times and got no reply back… or she would respond once and then stop. I wont sit here and say it doesn’t hurt.. it eats at you… why don’t my friends want to see me anymore? I mean, I make such an effort to show them they matter and I appreciate their friendship. The feeling/energy is not reciprocated.

Finally on another attempt, I sent her a link of a trip to Portugal that looked interesting. I just sent the link.. nothing more. She responded with, you want to go there? and I said, yeah, would you? She asked a couple of questions and then followed with she wasn’t really interested in Portugal because she doesn’t know much about their history. Fair enough. I said I was open to suggestions and she responded with not knowing when it would be safe to travel again, but we could start to look into it for when we can. Meaning, she might still be interested in traveling with me..a glimpse of hope. She then asks when I work (I am back to work btw since June 1st) and when I would be free to get together. I told her my schedule and she inquired about Friday or the next Friday. This Friday worked so we settled on that. From my understanding it was a get together between the two of us.

On Friday afternoon she texts me to ask whats the plan for the day and then follows it with another text saying ” I asked (ringleader) if she wants to come” …okay?… Like I don’t have a problem with her being there.. but she also hasn’t said boo to me since I’ve been back to Ontario…

When this pandemic started, I reached out to the group of girls individually. Just saying something like ” hey, just reaching out to make sure you and your families are okay and staying safe and healthy.” Italy friend responded, ring leader ignored my phone call and text message, girl who recently got married who no one has really seen since apparently, she it always busy.. responded but only to say “thanks, we are okay”,(we being her and her husband obviously).. there was no “how are you doing?”..  or “haven’t seen you since you moved back.. hope you are well too”….Whoa..just … whoa…wait until I explain the absolute HYPOCRISY when it comes to this recently married friend..It is coming, oh is it coming.

So me and Italy (that is what I will call her for privacy sake) are texting and she says to me. “(ringleader) wants to order sushi from (certain place she always goes to), you in”….do I have a choice? If I said no… I would be ostracized. “Sure” I say.. and then we decide on a time…I am happy to FINALLY see Ringerleader.. but also nervous because I feel at this point.. she is only coming because Italy doesn’t want to be alone with me..but I also take it as an opportunity to voice my concern of feeling avoided in person which is what I most want.. to clear the air.

Before you think that this is ALL in my head.. that I am being super sensitive and emotional.. you are probably not entirely wrong. Am I an over thinker? Yes. Am I more emotional/sensitive and in tune with my feelings and vibes I pick up from others? 100%.. However… this is why rather then assuming and making my own speculations about the situation, I like to approach things head on and ask.. just ask. You wont know unless you fucking ASK.

The evening rolls around and I am headed off to Italy’s house. Nervous, but happy to just be seeing my “friends” after so long. I arrive and she is on the phone with Ringleader who is trying to figure out the food order before she calls the restaurant. When she is finally off the phone, I can’t help but smile and try and read her body language.. would she be open to a hug? I haven’t hugged another person since this whole pandemic shit hit the fan… I long for a friendly hug. She smiles and opens her arms. I immediately place myself into her arms. I missed her… the thought that she might not feel the same vanishes.. I feel a sense of  normalcy once again. We start to head to her backyard where we will be setting up to hang out and eat. As we are chatting I ask if this is the first time she will see Ringleader too (since covid-19… I know she has seen her for sure post Covid). Her response stops me dead in my tracks. ” No, this will be my third time”..I can’t help but say “wow”.. and she looks at me funny… I mean… in all honesty.. I was taken back because she barely spoke to me let alone answered my text messages and advances to get together for walks. I can feel my mood shift instantly.. But, I pull myself together in my head and move forward.

Once we are settled and in conversation, she starts to complain again about her not being physically active enough, not meeting her weight loss goals, etc… I feel it coming.. the comment I want to make.. So, I say it..” hey, I remember putting it out there if you ever wanted to get together and go for walks or doing something active outdoors”.. her response. was no response.. *blink blink*.. “so anyways”.. and she deflected.. Okay…I mean.. you could of addressed it in some sort of way…anything would of been better.

I kind of felt a little turn in my chest where my heart lives… like a little pain that told me…”maybe you are not overthinking this…maybe it is true…”

Phone rings… it is the Ringleader..

Enter the Ringleader

She arrives, we all greet each other.. her first words to me after not seeing me since our last cottage outing in June 2019 (when she was already acting weird) is…”holy you are tanned”… yes.. I am very tanned.. once tends to get stupid tanned when they spend most of their time outdoors walking for miles and miles a day to avoid being at home during a pandemic. We also hugged… it wasn’t our usual long embraces we use to have.. I even felt her pull away and do that little “there there” tap on my back as if to signal “okay, that’s enough”.. I felt that.

While we are eating, Ringleader is chatting about her current life back at work since the reopening. She talks for a good 30-40 mins and when she finishes. She stares at Italy. Italy pipes in and says, “who is next to catch up”..I respond with “you can go next!” She then says, “well, I feel like me and ringleader have seen each other and caught up already, you both have no spoken and seen each other since forever”. I kind of nervously make a “hah” noise.. mainly because … she never gave an actual FUCK to ask me ever since I got back.. she never responded to any of my messages or phone calls.. why would I waste my breath?..

No word of a lie..I look in her direction.. see her facial expression which was like ..

Annoyed GIFs | Tenor

So I said ” Well.. I moved back in November… Covid-19… I am working”…

………….

Ringleaders response “cool”..pulls out her cell phone and checks it… Italy’s response “well that was short and sweet”…My stomach dropped..I was right.

The conversation then picked up about Italy’s work.. back to Ringleaders work.. making fun of me and making me feel like an outcast based on my health conditions…and then on to the attack of recently married girl. Apparently recently married girl is moving 9 hours North with her husband.. I didn’t know this obviously cause no one says shit to me. Italy found out from a Facebook post (I don’t have facebook.. or any social media for that matter).. and no shocker.. Ringleader knew because recently married girl reached out to her (but only because she wanted something.. not to just tell her shes moving).. SO the shit talking started.

“She is always busy, she never has time, she only reaches out when she needs something, the last few times we went up north with her were not enjoyable because she was high or drunk all the time” blah blah blah blah blah… Yet… They always talk to her… involve her in their plans, want her around… make a fucking conscious effort to check on her and see how she is doing!!

Italy had the acidity to say ” I don’t have the energy anymore to put all my time into reaching out to someone who always says no or only talks to me when they want something”..umm… You literally ignore my messages.. even when they are all just to see how you are doing.. Ringleader then makes a point to say ” I message her all the time to see how she is doing”… Thanks… openly admit you fucking respond to people on your phone and actively reach out to people.. just not me.

I sat there listening to this… and while there was a tiny window of silence.. I slipped in.. Well, I am glad you guys are up to date on everything.. feels like I am completely out of the loop and no one informs me of anything anymore.

THE FUCKING LOOK THESE TWO GAVE EACH OTHER… then deflected the conversation! Okay… there is no way I am overthinking this… I am literally fucking expressing how no one talks to me and they just ignore it. Yet, they are both sitting there talking about how recently married girl isn’t the greatest friend… hello? I would pay a lot of money on plane tickets to be with these people when I lived thousands of miles away.. and this recently married girl lives in the same province.. same city.. and never sees them. What.The.HELL.

By this point… I am deflated.. I am trying not to cry… or just get up and leave… mainly because most of the conversation is about me and not in a good way.. just bringing up embarrassing things that happen to me when we worked together.. or when Italy and I traveled together. I just sat there laughing at it.. even though inside it really hurt…

Let me tell you what Ringleader was interested to hear about my life. In the most rude, crude, sarcastic and deeming way says “are you still with, what’s that thing? what’s his face? that person?”…YOU MEAN MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND I’VE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YEARS THAT YOU CLEARLY KNOW SINCE HE WORKED WITH US WHERE WE ALL MET! YOU EVEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONE ON ONE! THAT ONE?

My jaw dropped and I immediately glanced at Italy… even her face was like.. wow.. and she said “oooohhhh” as If I was dissed..Did I forget to mention that these women are older than me? I am 30 and they are 5 and 9 years older…it’s sad people act like this… While I know Ringleader isn’t the biggest fan of my bf.. she doesn’t need to act like a child.

Italy and I prior to the Ringleaders arrival were talking about the cottage and how there was opening in September. How we both wanted to all go. When mentioned in front of the Ringleader. she simply glanced over at Italy, and proceeded to explain how someone she knows that is a medical doctor said there will be another lock down in September. Italy never spoke about it or gave her two sense. That was the end of that conversation. I could not help but feel like… Ringleader didn’t want to converse about the cottage because she didn’t want me going.. the lock down stuff was a planted excuse… our cottage has been open the entire time and accepting their regulars.

All this aside.. Ringleader went home first… me and Italy took a small walk around the block with her dog before going our separate ways. She could obviously tell I was quieter than usual. I am someone who is always happy, laughing and full of what they call “puppy energy”.. Of course, she never addressed it.. I left that night driving home crying to my boyfriend on the phone.. I felt so stupid.. why was I even invited over? To be put in my place? For me to see that they in fact, are trying to push me away… why not just tell me I did something to upset you if that was the case…

On Saturday, the cottage resort owner contacted me since I had put a week on hold for July while I tried to see if my family wanted to go. It was my grandmothers birthday week and I thought it would be nice for all of us to be there in her memory..I was her favorite place to go since before I was born.. she passed away in 2016. The girls and I have been going there since as our annual getaway tradition. He wanted to know if I was still interested. Sadly, I had to decline since no one wanted to go..I could not afford to rent a week all on my own..

While I had him on the phone, I decided to inquire about a weekend in September. They had an opening and I asked him to put us down. I then texted Italy and told her the only dates that were available in September and that I asked for it to be put on hold for us….No response.. 26 hours later.. I text her again .. “thoughts?”.. she responds 2 hours later with “you heard what(Ringleader) said. With there being another lock down, I can’t commit to anything”.. that was it.. after ignoring my first message.. just uses that as a reason. Okay. I hear you loud and clear.

I cried a lot yesterday… being 30.. living back at home for nothing.. in the middle of a pandemic.. with my boyfriend who is in another province.. for friends and family I thought  I had.. The kicker? All I did was move back… am I offending people by being here? Being alive?..

If you were to ask me 5 years ago if I thought I would ever like this at 30.. my answer would be no.. I got a great support system and I am grateful for what I have.

2020 has been many things.. but a rude awakening is one for sure..

I Somewhat Saved A Life..& It Feels Good

I’m not a hero or anything, I don’t even own a cape, but in today’s day in age, not all wear capes anyways right? I do own a a lot of spandex though..

If you’ve read my recent post, you’ve noticed I’ve been in a darker place lately, struggling if you will. I have recently found myself ending up on the dark side of the web… no, not the dark web, but in places were people talk about how miserable their lives are and reaching out for help. Sometimes, I read the stories to see what other people in the world are up too. I know my problems are minuscule to others who actually are suffering. I have food and a roof over my head for Pete’s sake, I am more than well-off. Reading those stories sometimes give me perspective and open my eyes to what is really going on. We tend to get lost in our current “terrible” situations and forget that there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel. But for some, there isn’t, or maybe…they need help seeing it.

In the past few weeks of reading and searching, I came across a post by an anonymous person who was clearly at their wits end. This post wasn’t beating around the bush at all. There was screams for help that were obviously present. Suicide was definitely something on this persons agenda. I immediately send this person a private message versus responding to the comment section. The message sent read as;

“Hey, if you need someone to talk too, I am here. I won’t try to talk you out of it. But, if you want to someone to hear you out, I’m here”.

This individuals post physically stated that they didn’t want to be persuaded not to do any self harm..so, I thought this would be an incentive to open up without judgement. It worked. Not right away though. I also noticed this persons story was posted 17 hours ago before I sent that message.. I hope I am not too late…

Seven hours later, I get a response. It’s short, not specific, but it does mention how I am the only one who reached out and a thank you. It also mentioned how they recently purchased a rope and are currently practicing knots..Dark, I know..

I would like to say we have been talking now for 5 days. The response time sometimes takes anywhere from 15-24 hours depending on the day. The replies have gotten longer, more detailed, more positive. Well, to be honest.. it’s mixed. The moods change very frequently. But, I have noticed over the course of the 5 days, the change in attitude has become more apparent. The lines that use to read “I don’t feel like things are ever going to get better, it’s better not to be here”. Have transitioned to “maybe I am too young to just give up, maybe things will get better? or not. This world does not feel welcoming”.

This morning after reading their message, I noticed some lol’s.. that is a good sign right? Laughter is medicine is it not? Also, the last sentence really touched my heart and made me smile. It read: “I was having a really bad day yesterday, almost irreparable. But, your message made me feel better for a little while”.

This is why we don’t give up people! There is always someone out there who cares, who will listen. Who genuinely wants to help you without anything in return. If you think about it, I did receive something in return for helping this person. I received a glimpse of hope that this person just might be okay. They live very far away.. On the other side of the world to be exact. But, I can feel better knowing that this person has maybe some spark in their fire to live and push through another day. That is all one can ever hope for.

Live, Love, and always be grateful for what you do have in life. Even if it’s the smallest thing.

Also, I cannot be happier that this was my 100th post. Blessed.

Jenna ❤

The Confessions Of a Lost Soul

Hello to anyone who reads this. I wan’t to share with you a confession. Maybe you can relate to it and maybe you don’t. But it’s about life and life’s journey. How it is ugly and scary and not always what we try and paint it to be.

For those of you who have read my content before, it’s not real. It is, but it’s not. It’s not my voice. It’s an act. Maybe it’s funny to some and not to others. when you are trying to find your voice, your calling, your purpose.. it can sometimes be an act. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat anything I say. I am being real and maybe for the first time, being me. Take it or leave it since no one is forcing you to stay. To be completely honest, I am doing this for me, and maybe someone who can relate that feels the same. The star of the show to today is the feeling  of being” Lost“.

Who are we and what is our actual purpose? I thought I knew years ago, but seriously? I ain’t got a clue. I don’t just mean figuring yourself out like “who am I and how do I define myself?”. This is something we usually figure out in high school or maybe even our early years of adulthood. I would hope realizing who you are doesn’t take forever. It seems like the easiest thing to do. At least for me it was. I realized early on in life that I am the female who doesn’t wear make up, not because she can’t but because it makes her feel like shes hiding herself and her insecurities. But also because she doesn’t know how too and maybe would if she could apply eyeliner without stabbing out her eyeballs and potentially loosing eyesight. Who hates the way she looks most of the time but won’t do anything to change her appearance because, it feels wrong. I am someone who judges people who make physical alterations to their bodies or face because of insecurities.. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t because, it’s a self choice and if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy right? But, I also feel like God (if you believe in one .. or some higher creator) made you a certain way and its unique.. why are you changing that? That being said, here I am hating what I was given but doing absolutely nothing about it. Stupid right?  I wear comfy clothes and normally try to blend in then to stand out. Dressing up makes me nervous because it doesn’t feel like me and I usually get stressed out by it and decide to cancel plans. I am not proud of it but it is who I am. I am someone who enjoys low key surrounds and would be more comfortable and happy at a small local bar or pub then a booming night club. That being said, I love to dance and will force myself to enjoy a night out just to have an excuse to boogie. I am into males but can admit I admire the beauty of a woman. Anyways, moving along.. I am also the person who really really enjoys helping people, making a difference, making someone even for a short while..happy… Yet, cannot for the life of me figure out what makes me happy and what to do in life. Again, dumb.

I love traveling. I love nature. I love animals. I love long walks on the beach or in a forest, I love bodies of water, my favorite animal in the world is the common Loon. I love food. I love socializing. I love music. I love the thought of love. I love summer the most but sometimes winter because I love Christmas time. Something about the lights and the music, the colours… but not the cold.. I hate the cold. I am artsy and like to use my hands. I like to create things from scratch and believe that things that are made by hand mean more then any  store bought gift or money could buy.  I am genuine, I am extremely caring, super sensitive and emotional because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and usually get burnt because of it. I am super in-tuned with my self and the energy that surrounds me. I am a healer and I am super intuitive. I have instincts and intuition that I myself don’t know how to understand. But somehow, I just know…I just sense..I just feel. I am a super simple person who finds the joy in the littlest of things. I am easily amused and I love that about me. The list could go on for days! I love so much, and I am so much yet.. I feel like I have nothing going for me and that I am failing in life. Why?

This year I turn 30…It takes a lot for me to accept that. I have hated.. and I mean HATED my birthday since I turned 15. Every single year since December 15 2014, I dread it. In the morning, I feel emotional… no drive to get out of bed. I turn off all my social media to prevent people sending me wishes. I turn my phone on airplane mode to avoid text messages and phone calls. I never want to celebrate it. I hate the thought of getting older. Why does getting older scare me? Why does getting older scare a lot of people? I know I am not the only one who suffers from this issue. In today’s society, age means experience and experience means success and directions.. to which, I have none. At the age of 30, I thought I  would have had a house already, be settled in the place I want to live and build a family. When I say family, I mean a significant other and a pet. I am not interested in having kids and I’ll tell you why. I myself did not wish to be born in a world like this. If I am struggling to succeed, I would not bring another life into this world for selfish reasons to suffer as well. If I am being honest.. it is only going to get worse. Education = Nothing anymore. Just lines the pockets of institutions and the government. Skills =Nothing. It is all about who you know (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth). I’s all about making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Oh, and also providing and giving opportunities to people who weren’t born and raised in this country… But, I am not going to get into that.

But why is this an expectation we put on ourselves? Why do we assume just because we a certain age, we need to have out shit figure out. We need to know where we are going and what we are doing in life. When I started this blog years ago, I wanted to be a successful blogger. At the time, I was a heavy follower of the YouTube sensation and blogger Jenna Marbles. She was someone I admired because she was herself and didn’t give a shit. At the time, that spoke to me and I thought ” that’s me too”… I have always wanted to be a internet famous person, but when you lack confidence in your appearance.. that is the most difficult thing to do. If I hate the way I look, others will too. they will insult me and cut me down, and I don’t think I am strong enough to let the “hate” roll off my back. Again, being a sensitive and emotional person comes with downfalls.. You get hurt and offend easily. So, I stopped blogging and just gave up that dream all together years ago. I also loved gaming and thought maybe, if being pretty wasn’t an option to be liked on the internet, maybe gaming and streaming would be an option.. But have you seen the gamer girls out there? Wearing makeup, basically sitting half naked in-front of the camera because “sex sells”… I cannot compete with that. For once, not because I don’t think I “look” the part… But because it is not something I would do for popularity. I am not saying that people who don’t go that route still can’t be successful, I’m just saying I don’t want to try and fail.. or be ridiculed. Confidence is everything I guess and that is something I haven’t learnt yet.

For those of you that do not know what I have done for work all these years. I have been a Registered Massage Therapist since 2011. At first, I loved my job. I was helping people, I was interacting with people, I was “self employed” for the most part and, I was damn good at my job. I took pride in actually helping people versus making money. Money wasn’t the end goal for me. It was the feedback and the changes I saw in peoples health. It made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. In 2013 I obtained injuries because I did my job so well. I worked hard not smart… thus, burnt out quick. Slipped discs in my neck lead me to neurological problems and 2-3 visits to a Chiropractor a week on average. A subluxed clavicle on the right side caused me to loose almost all range of motion without causing me severe pain and weakness in my upper body. It limited me from doing many things I enjoyed. Yoga, Zumba, working out, my damn job… I was basically told at the age of 22 to find another career or do surgery that would completely limit me from all range of motion permanently on the right side. Obviously, I listened to to neither and continued working as an RMT. I tried to be smart about it, working part time and trying to find a different job on the side. At the time, I was blessed with a Massage Therapy teaching job back in 2015 and working as a receptionist at a sports clinic. I was working 3 jobs which eventually burnt me out causing me to have to quit everything and run away to British Columbia for a private healing retreat to align myself. The stress was killing me and I would suffer from 5-10 panic attacks a day. All my injuries caused me pain daily, still do.. That alone can cause a slew of stress and depression.

In 2017 I moved to Alberta. Why? It was cheaper to rent and easier to find a job that wasn’t massaging full time. Toronto became very difficult for me to grow. No one would consider hiring me because I was just a person who touches people. My resume meant nothing to anyone hiring. I applied to office jobs, spa front desk work, medical office admin, data entry… you name it.. I applied.. Not one call back for over 5 months. I was obviously still working part time as a RMT which was all I could handle. If I worked more then 3 days a week and treated more then 3-4 people a day, I was dead. I would be crying in pain for days.. nights were sleepless from the amount of pain surging through my neck and shoulders. I was starting to hate my job and regret my choice of even becoming a Massage Therapist. I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay rent let alone feed myself in Toronto. So, I moved here and got a job as a medical office assistant within 2 weeks. I was able to afford rent on my hourly wage on my own. Felt good at first, but that all started to die quickly. I almost immediately started to hate the weather here. The summers were unbearable because the city was always covered in smoke due to the forest fires out west. The winters are SO dry and SO cold and they last for 9 months out of the year. As mentioned, I am a outdoors person.. when you have to spend almost all your time indoors because it’s too cold or going outside might give you lung cancer, there is a problem! I cannot believe I can sit here and say I miss the weather in Ontario.. BUT I DO!..I also missed doing what I do best..helping people…so, I got my Massage Therapy license out here and do that 2 times a week at the same clinic I work at as a MOA. It’s like I can’t escape it.. or maybe it’s because it a comfort thing to me. All I know is, I cannot survive on it alone. Heck, I can only treat 2 people a day after my admin shift. Even then, I’m in pain after.

With all my my family and friends being in Ontario, I obviously feel alone. I made a friend or two but they have their own lives or circle of friends. People in Edmonton I find do not like to make new friends. Especially “outsiders”. I know this seems all over the place, and that’s because I am all over the place, physically and mentally. So bear with me.

It really started to hit me how lost and unsuccessful I felt when I went home for the holidays that just past. I turned 29 on December 15th 2018 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is it..there is nothing left to look forward too”. When I was 27, I hated it but thought.. “I still have 28 and 29 to go”. I did the same when I turned 28. I always made excuses as too why I had more time to figure my shit out. But now, now I feel like I am royally screwed. Time is up Jenn, you have made it to the age where you said you would be successful and you are SO FAR from it. 

At this point in my life, as I sit here and type, all I know is what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a Massage Therapist anymore. I don’t wan’t to be a renter. I don’t want to go spend thousands of dollars of  hard earned money to go back to school for something that may or may not grantee me a job. Or get into a student loan and be in debt for years for the same reason listed above. I don’t want to be a prisoner in a place where I am just lining the pockets of someone else. I don’t want to move back home and live with my parents because to be completely honest, I would rater kill myself then do that. Honestly, the list of things I  DON’T want to do are never ending! But the list of things I want to do is blank! I don’t know what I would even want to take in school if that was something I would entertain. I feel at this point in my life that literally nothing interests me. I only have wants and dreams but no action plan to achieve them.

I want to live in Northern Ontario, have a cottage like house on with lakefront property, with a deck so I can drink my coffee outside  in the mornings, and possibly listen to the sound of Loons calling. In the winters, I want to take off to somewhere hot by an ocean. I want to have a successful business that includes one or if not all of my passions: working with people, working outdoors, working with animals, managing a business that I can leave when I want to travel, working with my hands, being helpful, artsy, unique, and most importantly, being myself! That’s honestly all I got…That is all I can think of that truly makes me happy and makes me want to live another day. the thought of possibly having those things make me want to explode with happiness and say “You’ve done it Jenn, you’ve finally succeeded”… But how do I get there? How do I get there without being miserable? Without setting myself backwards? Without failing? I know failure can equal to greatness.. But how is that guaranteed? It’s not! The fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, the fear of wasting money, time with no certainty of anything… and precious freaking time that you can NEVER get back.. What do you do?

I am lost. I am scared. I am at a point in my life where nothing makes sense.. nothing seems fair. I have worked SO hard in life and with nothing to show for. I literally had nothing. Everything I have or had, any place I’ve gone, anything I own.. I gave myself. I worked for it. I did it. Me. So what happened? Why can’t I move forward anymore? Was that all I was meant to be? A broken Massage Therapist? Am I a coward to say I’ve thought about ending it all?.. I mean, I’m broken, I suffer in pain all the time. I don’t think there has been a day since 2013 where I wasn’t in pain. I am not a pill popper and to be honest, do not take ANY meds for pain. I literally take baths, stretch, meditate, go for massages and Chiro..Nothing seems to help though. I was recently diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease) of my cervical spine which seems to be the culprit for the majority of my symptoms. Guess what? There is no cure. I just have to “cope”. I feel like I have zero direction, barely any friends that genuinely care about me unless it suits them or they gain something, and family.. well.. that’s a whole other story.

This post is not a “pity me” post. This is a somewhere that I feel safe enough to expose the real me. Perhaps reach other people who feel like me or felt like me. What did they do to get on track, to better their life, to fulfill their goals?

If there is one thing I do know, I know that I am a loving, caring, passionate, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, selfless, trustworthy, faithful, committed, hardworking, and usually driven person who has lost her way. I know there is more to me and for me out there… I just don’t know what and when I will finally know. In the meantime, I am trying to hold faith that there is more, that this isn’t the end. Staying positive in the world we live in today is not easy.. I’m holding on… and I hope you are too.

If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations, you’ve won nothing.. nothing but my sincere gratitude.

This is the real me saying goodbye.

Love, Jenna

*PS, sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes.. I wrote this at hyper speed and truly do not care to edit at this current time.