My Trip To Italy

Being Italian and all, I had to visit my land! I traveled back in September 2018 for a week. It was something that was on my bucket list for the longest time that I was finally able to achieve.

The trip consisted of visiting three major cities Rome, Florence, and Venice. With small visits to Assisi, Siena, Bologna, Padua, and Montepulcino. I traveled with a friend that I wouldn’t say I am close with, nor an acquaintance. We use to work together as massage therapists in a clinic back in 2015. We keep in touch an hang out with some of the other girls we worked with at the clinic. I guess we also went as a group to the cottage two times back in 2016 and 2017. I had a pretty good sense of who she is out of work so I randomly said to her one day “we should travel to Italy together”.. she agreed with my proposal.

Two months after our discussion, the trip was booked. We decided that it would be best to fly to Italy together, so I got another plane home for the day before we were scheduled to leave Canada. This is it, my dreams are coming true, I am going to ITALY!

Here are some photos I thought I would share from my trip. There was literally thousands but I won’t torture you ūüôā

Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi

Views from Assisi

In the Piazza of Siena

Piazza Del Campo

Siena Duomo

Views from Piazzale Di Michelangelo Firenze

Statute of David

Arno River, Florence

Duomo and Santa Croce

Eating gelato ‚̧ԳŹ

Last night in Rome ūüė¶

Bologna

Piazza Bologna

Gondola Rides in Venice

Venice by night St. Mark’s Square (Piazza San Marco) Basilica di San Marco behind us

First Gonadal ride ‚̧

Views in Montepulciano (Tuscany)

Duomo Basilica de San Pedro

St. Peter’s Basilica

St. Peter’s Basilica – Rome

Ruins in Rome

Colosseum- Rome

Piazza di Spagna – Spanish Steps

Trevi Fountain

Trevi Fountain

The Confessions Of a Lost Soul

Hello to anyone who reads this. I wan’t to share with you a confession. Maybe you can relate to it and maybe you don’t. But it’s about life and life’s journey. How it is ugly and scary and not always what we try and paint it to be.

For those of you who have read my content before, it’s not real. It is, but it’s not. It’s not my voice. It’s an act. Maybe it’s funny to some and not to others. when you are trying to find your voice, your calling, your purpose.. it can sometimes be an act. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat anything I say. I am being real and maybe for the first time, being me. Take it or leave it since no one is forcing you to stay. To be completely honest, I am doing this for me, and maybe someone who can relate that feels the same. The star of the show to today is the feeling¬† of being” Lost“.

Who are we and what is our actual purpose? I thought I knew years ago, but seriously? I ain’t got a clue. I don’t just mean figuring yourself out like “who am I and how do I define myself?”. This is something we usually figure out in high school or maybe even our early years of adulthood. I would hope realizing who you are doesn’t take forever. It seems like the easiest thing to do. At least for me it was. I realized early on in life that I am the female who doesn’t wear make up, not because she can’t but because it makes her feel like shes hiding herself and her insecurities. But also because she doesn’t know how too and maybe would if she could apply eyeliner without stabbing out her eyeballs and potentially loosing eyesight. Who hates the way she looks most of the time but won’t do anything to change her appearance because, it feels wrong. I am someone who judges people who make physical alterations to their bodies or face because of insecurities.. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t because, it’s a self choice and if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy right? But, I also feel like God (if you believe in one .. or some higher creator) made you a certain way and its unique.. why are you changing that? That being said, here I am hating what I was given but doing absolutely nothing about it. Stupid right?¬† I wear comfy clothes and normally try to blend in then to stand out. Dressing up makes me nervous because it doesn’t feel like me and I usually get stressed out by it and decide to cancel plans. I am not proud of it but it is who I am. I am someone who enjoys low key surrounds and would be more comfortable and happy at a small local bar or pub then a booming night club. That being said, I love to dance and will force myself to enjoy a night out just to have an excuse to boogie. I am into males but can admit I admire the beauty of a woman. Anyways, moving along.. I am also the person who really really enjoys helping people, making a difference, making someone even for a short while..happy… Yet, cannot for the life of me figure out what makes me happy and what to do in life. Again, dumb.

I love traveling. I love nature. I love animals. I love long walks on the beach or in a forest, I love bodies of water, my favorite animal in the world is the common Loon. I love food. I love socializing. I love music. I love the thought of love. I love summer the most but sometimes winter because I love Christmas time. Something about the lights and the music, the colours… but not the cold.. I hate the cold. I am artsy and like to use my hands. I like to create things from scratch and believe that things that are made by hand mean more then any¬† store bought gift or money could buy.¬† I am genuine, I am extremely caring, super sensitive and emotional because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and usually get burnt because of it. I am super in-tuned with my self and the energy that surrounds me. I am a healer and I am super intuitive. I have instincts and intuition that I myself don’t know how to understand. But somehow, I just know…I just sense..I just feel. I am a super simple person who finds the joy in the littlest of things. I am easily amused and I love that about me. The list could go on for days! I love so much, and I am so much yet.. I feel like I have nothing going for me and that I am failing in life. Why?

This year I turn 30…It takes a lot for me to accept that. I have hated.. and I mean HATED my birthday since I turned 15. Every single year since December 15 2014, I dread it. In the morning, I feel emotional… no drive to get out of bed. I turn off all my social media to prevent people sending me wishes. I turn my phone on airplane mode to avoid text messages and phone calls. I never want to celebrate it. I hate the thought of getting older. Why does getting older scare me? Why does getting older scare a lot of people? I know I am not the only one who suffers from this issue. In today’s society, age means experience and experience means success and directions.. to which, I have none. At the age of 30, I thought I¬† would have had a house already, be settled in the place I want to live and build a family. When I say family, I mean a significant other and a pet. I am not interested in having kids and I’ll tell you why. I myself did not wish to be born in a world like this. If I am struggling to succeed, I would not bring another life into this world for selfish reasons to suffer as well. If I am being honest.. it is only going to get worse. Education = Nothing anymore. Just lines the pockets of institutions and the government. Skills =Nothing. It is all about who you know (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth). I’s all about making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Oh, and also providing and giving opportunities to people who weren’t born and raised in this country… But, I am not going to get into that.

But why is this an expectation we put on ourselves? Why do we assume just because we a certain age, we need to have out shit figure out. We need to know where we are going and what we are doing in life. When I started this blog years ago, I wanted to be a successful blogger. At the time, I was a heavy follower of the YouTube sensation and blogger Jenna Marbles. She was someone I admired because she was herself and didn’t give a shit. At the time, that spoke to me and I thought ” that’s me too”… I have always wanted to be a internet famous person, but when you lack confidence in your appearance.. that is the most difficult thing to do. If I hate the way I look, others will too. they will insult me and cut me down, and I don’t think I am strong enough to let the “hate” roll off my back. Again, being a sensitive and emotional person comes with downfalls.. You get hurt and offend easily. So, I stopped blogging and just gave up that dream all together years ago. I also loved gaming and thought maybe, if being pretty wasn’t an option to be liked on the internet, maybe gaming and streaming would be an option.. But have you seen the gamer girls out there? Wearing makeup, basically sitting half naked in-front of the camera because “sex sells”… I cannot compete with that. For once, not because I don’t think I “look” the part… But because it is not something I would do for popularity. I am not saying that people who don’t go that route still can’t be successful, I’m just saying I don’t want to try and fail.. or be ridiculed. Confidence is everything I guess and that is something I haven’t learnt yet.

For those of you that do not know what I have done for work all these years. I have been a Registered Massage Therapist since 2011. At first, I loved my job. I was helping people, I was interacting with people, I was “self employed” for the most part and, I was damn good at my job. I took pride in actually helping people versus making money. Money wasn’t the end goal for me. It was the feedback and the changes I saw in peoples health. It made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. In 2013 I obtained injuries because I did my job so well. I worked hard not smart… thus, burnt out quick. Slipped discs in my neck lead me to neurological problems and 2-3 visits to a Chiropractor a week on average. A subluxed clavicle on the right side caused me to loose almost all range of motion without causing me severe pain and weakness in my upper body. It limited me from doing many things I enjoyed. Yoga, Zumba, working out, my damn job… I was basically told at the age of 22 to find another career or do surgery that would completely limit me from all range of motion permanently on the right side. Obviously, I listened to to neither and continued working as an RMT. I tried to be smart about it, working part time and trying to find a different job on the side. At the time, I was blessed with a Massage Therapy teaching job back in 2015 and working as a receptionist at a sports clinic. I was working 3 jobs which eventually burnt me out causing me to have to quit everything and run away to British Columbia for a private healing retreat to align myself. The stress was killing me and I would suffer from 5-10 panic attacks a day. All my injuries caused me pain daily, still do.. That alone can cause a slew of stress and depression.

In 2017 I moved to Alberta. Why? It was cheaper to rent and easier to find a job that wasn’t massaging full time. Toronto became very difficult for me to grow. No one would consider hiring me because I was just a person who touches people. My resume meant nothing to anyone hiring. I applied to office jobs, spa front desk work, medical office admin, data entry… you name it.. I applied.. Not one call back for over 5 months. I was obviously still working part time as a RMT which was all I could handle. If I worked more then 3 days a week and treated more then 3-4 people a day, I was dead. I would be crying in pain for days.. nights were sleepless from the amount of pain surging through my neck and shoulders. I was starting to hate my job and regret my choice of even becoming a Massage Therapist. I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay rent let alone feed myself in Toronto. So, I moved here and got a job as a medical office assistant within 2 weeks. I was able to afford rent on my hourly wage on my own. Felt good at first, but that all started to die quickly. I almost immediately started to hate the weather here. The summers were unbearable because the city was always covered in smoke due to the forest fires out west. The winters are SO dry and SO cold and they last for 9 months out of the year. As mentioned, I am a outdoors person.. when you have to spend almost all your time indoors because it’s too cold or going outside might give you lung cancer, there is a problem! I cannot believe I can sit here and say I miss the weather in Ontario.. BUT I DO!..I also missed doing what I do best..helping people…so, I got my Massage Therapy license out here and do that 2 times a week at the same clinic I work at as a MOA. It’s like I can’t escape it.. or maybe it’s because it a comfort thing to me. All I know is, I cannot survive on it alone. Heck, I can only treat 2 people a day after my admin shift. Even then, I’m in pain after.

With all my my family and friends being in Ontario, I obviously feel alone. I made a friend or two but they have their own lives or circle of friends. People in Edmonton I find do not like to make new friends. Especially “outsiders”. I know this seems all over the place, and that’s because I am all over the place, physically and mentally. So bear with me.

It really started to hit me how lost and unsuccessful I felt when I went home for the holidays that just past. I turned 29 on December 15th 2018 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is it..there is nothing left to look forward too”. When I was 27, I hated it but thought.. “I still have 28 and 29 to go”. I did the same when I turned 28. I always made excuses as too why I had more time to figure my shit out. But now, now I feel like I am royally screwed. Time is up Jenn, you have made it to the age where you said you would be successful and you are SO FAR from it.¬†

At this point in my life, as I sit here and type, all I know is what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a Massage Therapist anymore. I don’t wan’t to be a renter. I don’t want to go spend thousands of dollars of¬† hard earned money to go back to school for something that may or may not grantee me a job. Or get into a student loan and be in debt for years for the same reason listed above. I don’t want to be a prisoner in a place where I am just lining the pockets of someone else. I don’t want to move back home and live with my parents because to be completely honest, I would rater kill myself then do that. Honestly, the list of things I¬† DON’T want to do are never ending! But the list of things I want to do is blank! I don’t know what I would even want to take in school if that was something I would entertain. I feel at this point in my life that literally nothing interests me. I only have wants and dreams but no action plan to achieve them.

I want to live in Northern Ontario, have a cottage like house on with lakefront property, with a deck so I can drink my coffee outside¬† in the mornings, and possibly listen to the sound of Loons calling. In the winters, I want to take off to somewhere hot by an ocean. I want to have a successful business that includes one or if not all of my passions: working with people, working outdoors, working with animals, managing a business that I can leave when I want to travel, working with my hands, being helpful, artsy, unique, and most importantly, being myself!¬†That’s honestly all I got…That is all I can think of that truly makes me happy and makes me want to live another day. the thought of possibly having those things make me want to explode with happiness and say “You’ve done it Jenn, you’ve finally succeeded”… But how do I get there? How do I get there without being miserable? Without setting myself backwards? Without failing? I know failure can equal to greatness.. But how is that guaranteed? It’s not! The fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, the fear of wasting money, time with no certainty of anything… and precious freaking time that you can NEVER get back.. What do you do?

I am lost. I am scared. I am at a point in my life where nothing makes sense.. nothing seems fair. I have worked SO hard in life and with nothing to show for. I literally had nothing. Everything I have or had, any place I’ve gone, anything I own.. I gave myself. I worked for it. I did it. Me. So what happened? Why can’t I move forward anymore? Was that all I was meant to be? A broken Massage Therapist? Am I a coward to say I’ve thought about¬†ending it all?.. I mean, I’m broken, I suffer in pain all the time. I don’t think there has been a day since 2013 where I wasn’t in pain. I am not a pill popper and to be honest, do not take ANY meds for pain. I literally take baths, stretch, meditate, go for massages and Chiro..Nothing seems to help though. I was recently diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease)¬†of my cervical spine which seems to be the culprit for the majority of my symptoms. Guess what? There is no cure. I just have to “cope”. I feel like I have zero direction, barely any friends that genuinely care about me unless it suits them or they gain something, and family.. well.. that’s a whole other story.

This post is not a “pity me” post. This is a somewhere that I feel safe enough to expose the real me. Perhaps reach other people who feel like me or felt like me. What did they do to get on track, to better their life, to fulfill their goals?

If there is one thing I do know, I know that I am a loving, caring, passionate, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, selfless, trustworthy, faithful, committed, hardworking, and usually driven person who has lost her way. I know there is more to me and for me out there… I just don’t know what and when I will finally know. In the meantime, I am trying to hold faith that there is more, that this isn’t the end. Staying positive in the world we live in today is not easy.. I’m holding on… and I hope you are too.

If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations, you’ve won nothing.. nothing but my sincere gratitude.

This is the real me saying goodbye.

Love, Jenna

*PS, sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes.. I wrote this at hyper speed and truly do not care to edit at this current time.

 

 

 

 

Extras

SOoOOooO, I finally got my hands on ALL of my photos from my trip to Europe! Just because I am so awesome, Right? *nudge nudge* I’m going to share some that¬†I think are awesome ūüôā

So with that said, enjoy some bonus photography from my Euro trip in England, Spain, and Portugal!

Victoria Station. Nothing special but, I did die laughing at bottom right… FACE! LOL…ahem. Pretty sure she steals souls.

DLR Station 2

The DLR Station

Cutty Sark

Cutty Shark

Maritime Greenwich 6

Maritime Greenwich

 

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London Bridge

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Perspective on the Tower Bridge

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Admiring beauty

Admiralty Arch 1

Admiralty Arch

Big Ben 2

Big Ben

British Parliament 1

British Parliament

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Big Ben in hiding. (View coming out of train station)

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Don’t know why, but thought it was a pretty view.

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Retarded duck-bird thing

Retarded duck-bird thing

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Trafalgar Square

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Some crazy gold floating dude at Trafalgar Square

Posing with giant kitty at Trafalgar Square

Posing with giant kitty at Trafalgar Square

ahah! What the heck was I looking/pondering about? Dirty Pond

ahah! What the heck was I looking/pondering about? Dirty Pond

Westminister Abbey

Westminister Abbey

Pretty cave entrance in Braga, Portugal

Pretty cave entrance in Braga, Portugal

Gorgeous Caves in Braga, Portugal

Gorgeous Caves in Braga, Portugal

Bom Jes√ļ S Do Monte - Braga, Portugal

Bom Jes√ļ S Do Monte – Braga, Portugal

Foliage in a pretty park in Portugal

Foliage in a pretty park in Portugal

√ďbidos, Portugal- The city built inside a castle wal

√ďbidos, Portugal- The city built inside a castle wal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

Baleal Beach in Portugal

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Batalha Portugal

Mesmerized by Batalha

Mesmerized by Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Batalha

Fatima, Portugal

Fatima, Portugal

 

All these photos were taken by moi! Unless I was in them…obviously..DUH

Hi, I’m Not Dead

So it has been exactly a month since I have returned from my trip to Europe. Am I late or what?! Late is better then never so here it goes..

On June I departed at 9 pm on my self defining journey. Did I define anything? Not a chance. Did you expect anything more from constantly confused and emotional dame¬†like myself? I did however, make a few changes to my already complicated and beyond confusing life. Let me start off by saying zero F**k’s were given the day I left. Yup, the plane ride- didn’t care. I slept through 90% of the flight. The other 10% was pissing, eating, and complaining that I couldn’t breath. I was violently ill with a sinus infection and was prescribed a nasal spray that was eating a hole through my nasal cavity and possibly causing brain damage. On top of that, really weak antibiotics that WERE NOT helping. So cabin air = death. By the way, this is a big deal to me because, flying gives me major anxiety. So kudos to me for not even having to tranquillize myself (that and the doctor wouldn’t give me any!…Sad face)

When I arrived in England, it was pure chaos. Matt and myself were essentially running around London England with a our luggage. Well, more like Matt was running around.. I was dragged..I would pass out standing leaning up against my luggage any chance I got. Or falling asleep in the tube. It took us a total of 3 hours to locate and arrive at the BnB we had pre-booked like a month in advance.

Moving on, I had explained in previous posts that Matt’s soul purpose of travelling to London England was to complete a soccer course to become a licensed soccer coach. So, that’s what he did. Me, I was left to my own devices. That means, sightseeing and wondering around would have to be by myself. Not a completely terrible thing. Unless, you are horrible with maps, directions, and even worse, walking. The next day after arriving, I decided to go sightseeing while Matt attended his soccer course. I prepared myself the night before with simple directions. Besides, I had my trusty iPhone and its wonderful map functions.

I set out on my adventure in the morning to visit the University of Greenwich. It took me a total of 7 footsteps from the front door to make-out with the side walk. I can’t even lie and pretend that I tripped on anything other then air. Not even 2 minutes from the house and I had bloody knees and wrists. I quickly stood up, brushed myself off, and carried on down the street.¬†Did you know you can get lost with a map? I did! 20 or 30 minutes later, I had become completely LOST. I found a small little park with a pond and some benches and decided to sit down to attempt on locating MYSELF…After failing miserably, I ¬†choose to ask someone in passing for directions. A¬†pleasant young mother with her 2 children walking by seemed like a good option. After being so kind as to point my in the right direction, she then asked with concern if I was okay. When saying yes thank you, I’m fine, she quickly responded with “Are you sure? You are bleeding everywhere” (in a cute British accent of course) I had totally forgot the fact I had fallen and torn apart all four of my limbs due to the fact that being lost took¬†precedence. I assured her I was fine and thanked her kindly for all her help. Then I spat in my sleeve and whipped off the blood from my knees and wrist like anybody would do. Right?

After a gruesome 2 hour walk on what I might add, their side walks are a complete shit show! It’s like walking on the aftermath of a level 8 earthquake! Cracks and lifted pavement, tree roots bursting through the ground every which way! It’s a nightmare! My poor ankles were swollen and bruised for days!!! We are so spoiled with our side walk conditions here in Toronto. Jesus. Back to my story, I made it, alive and in one piece. I stayed there for 3 hours, wandering around, checking out the city. It was beautiful to say the least. That and I was not about to hit it and leave after it took me FOREVER to get there. Got lost on my way home too! Shocker… In a roundabout…My God! I felt like a¬†prairie dog popping out from every exit possible! Needless to say it took me 2 hours to get home when the iPhone clearly states it would of ¬†only taken me 30 minutes if I followed their “suggested” route…. IF I KNEW HOW TO USE A MAP! >.<

This was a daily routine, although, by day 4 it got better. I wasn’t AS hopeless as I started off. Besides, this was the first time I had done anything like this by myself, ever!

Still, I was no closer to figuring out what I was going to do with my life when I  got back to Canada. I did my daily routine of Kijiji searches for jobs or explored University and College websites in hopes of finding something that would peek my interest.

On June 18th we arrived in Porto, Portugal and were being picked up by his Aunt and Uncle to be taken to Vigo, Spain. We were there till about the 25th then headed back to Portugal by a 6 hour bus ride where we stayed in Caldas da Rainha with his Grandparents. Needless to say this time was obviously spent with him and his family sightseeing. Which to be quite honest, wasn’t that bad.

The most interesting day was the 30th, the day before we were heading out back to England. It was a beautiful day, got alot of sightseeing done, almost died from regurgitating my internal organs. It was the weirdest thing. We had just all finished lunch and were now heading to one of this Uncle’s houses, when all the sudden, I started getting a really bad migraine. I tried closing my eyes in the car ride there. But the drive made it worse. Nausea set and in no time, I was screaming for the car to be pulled over so I could expel my soul from my mouth. It was like watching one of those bad movies about the exorcist of Emily Rose. I fell to my knees in a ditch and began ejecting lunch and a very expensive bottle of wine. All I remember was Matt getting out of the car and as he was walking towards me, saying the most insensitive and irritating commentary of life. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much wine”…”Well now you have room for dinner”.. and the worst by far .. “Don’t you dare cry”… Honestly? Can you F***ing lend a hand maybe? Hold my hair? Dare ask if I’m okay?!? What seemed¬†like forever of endless spew-age lasted a grand total of 5 minutes. UGH! I hate Hate HATE! throwing up! *cries* and yes…I do cry when I puke.

This only got worse. They ended up meeting up with his Uncle at some smoke house that is literally all about barbecued meat of all sorts. I love meat. But when I’m nauseous, the smell can drive me up the wall. I must of vomited another 2 times outside of this restaurant. The bathroom was a no go because it reeked of some perfume¬†potpourri shit. Which of course, made my head spin and my stomach turn. I decided it would be best if I would just stay in the car while they ate and lye down. You know, die alone, by myself in the back of a car in a foreign country. I past out for about 15 minutes at a time with interruptions of up-chucking. Matt was kind enough to check on me about an hour later to see if I died or not. How sweet. Unfortunately, when he came to check on me, he had spooked me awake. This resulting in more puking in¬†which I barely got out of the car for. I puked at the side of the car…while Matt yelled “not there!”…then he grabbed a plastic bag from inside the car to then say..”that’s disgusting” and “how flattering”… All I wanted to do by this point was die. Anything would of been better then dry heaving stomach acid. On the drive home, I was in and out of sleep. As we pulled into the driveway, the feeling of throwing up crept up on me. Getting out of the car in a panic to make it to the wash-room, I epically failed and fell at the side of the house in their garden. As I heaved for the last time, I cried as I said “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” …What was I apologizing for? Well, back in Spain, me and Matt had gotten into a giant blow up where I was caught in a lie and lied about not lying…I’m not proud of myself…and obviously felt guilty…Which is why I was apologizing… I felt it was my punishment for being¬†dishonest..Surprisingly after I apologized and recognized my faults, I stopped vomiting? My whole evening was ruined and so was the rest of my night. When I got inside I had passed out till about 5 am in the morning. Did I mention our flight back to England was that very morning and I was not packed at all! Very weak and¬†disoriented, I packed and then went back to sleep till 7 am.

We arrived back in England on the 1st of July. We were to depart back to Canada on the 4th. Matt finished the rest of his course on the 2nd and 3rd. He passed…Yippee? The End.

Not even…. So we got back on the 4th and life has only gotten more intense since then. It has been nothing but an emotional roller-coaster since I’ve returned. My dog was sick…had to take him to the vet. I’m sick, had to take myself to the vet. I have some fluke that decided to welcome it’s self into my liver..? (a Fluke is a parasitic worm by the way…yummy).. besides having major anxiety and stress, I’m also bored-line depressed. I still do the same freaking job that I said I wouldn’t be doing once I returned and my heart is still a mangled mess. So instead of seeking professional help, I decided to play Martha Stewart for a bit to see if that helps. I’ve currently been in the process of renovating my entire room. Change is good right? So is being broke from buying a bed that only pisses you off because it takes up way too much space and you keep smashing your damn knees on the corner of that stupid bed so now it looks like you’ve been doing extreme sports when really you don’t know how to mind space when you freaking walk!!!… I know it’s a run on sentence… It was done intentionally.

Well, there you have it. Now you are officially all caught up with mysterious life.

Here. Pictures. Enjoy.

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University Of Greenwich


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The city of Greenwich


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Darth Vader?


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Tower Bridge


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A random Anglo Saxon cathedral


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St Paul’s Cathedral


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Panoramic shot of the Tower Bridge


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Victoria Tower/ Big Ben


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Buckingham Palace


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Guard at Buckingham Palace


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My poor swollen ankle!


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My bedroom view in Vigo, Spain


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Beach in Vigo, Spain


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Backyard in Portugal


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The beach in Caldas Da Rainha


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You mad bro?


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Holy Chickens


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√ďbidos, Portugal (the City built in a castle)


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√ďbidos, Portugal. I walked along this castle wall!


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√ďbidos, Portugal- Castle wall


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Batalha


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Batalha


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Batalha


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Fatima


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The London Eye


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Boat Tour – Tower Bridge


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The Shard..or my version (The Shart)

 

 

 

 

 

A Trip for a Mission

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I haven’t posted for¬†quite a while. I literally have been a chicken without a head for the past two months.

So what’s the deal? I’m going away for a month to Europe. Right? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic? …Maybe if I was considered “normal people.”

To be completely honest, I have been DREADING the whole thing! I leave Monday! My flight is at 9 pm! and I have absolutely no FREAKING idea what I’m doing. The plane tickets and accommodations have been booked for over a month now if not more. Pretty sure I have changed my mind weekly if not daily on if I’m going or not. For the past week since Monday, it has actually progressed to an hourly debate. Just in this past hour before I started writing this post I have broke down and said I’m not going 5 times. My mom is convinced¬†I have completely lost it, and you know what, maybe I have.

Confused yet? Let me clarify. Matt about 5 months ago was preparing to take oversea courses in Europe to in hopes one day become a professional soccer coach. Great right? Life goal, a dream of his since he was a teenager. Lets make a trip out of it. First stop, England. This is where he will be doing his licensing coaching course. For this portion of the trip I will be alone 90% of the time. Which is fine, really. The other portion of the trip will be travelling to Portugal and Spain to stay with some of his family members to cut costs and save on money. Genius right? This all sounds pretty worth while no? A month away in a beautiful part of the world with your partner, what could possibly be so confusing and complicated?

What if everything didn’t make sense any more? What if the situation wasn’t as clear as it use to be? When I say situation, I am referring to the relationship. What if the nature of the relationship had changed along the way? What if it became selfish and one-sided? What do you do then? What if it was based on a viscous circle where the two just never meet? Can your heart be there and not at the time time? If it isn’t, do you give up and walk away? Do you try and salvage what is left in hopes of restoring it?

What if you know whole heartily that things will never change and only progressively get worse? You want to be happy, but don’t know what happiness is. You would of sacrificed everything you had to make sure someone else’s dreams were made possible, but in reality, knew the favour if need be would never be returned. Do you hold on? Who is truly the selfish one?

For every moment reality set in, your heart became an open door. The circle was broken and not even the worlds strongest adhesive could fix it. The circle became exposed to external influence and all of it’s contents inside had slowly seeped out.

This all seems pretty vague, but the connections can be made.

The point is, I have already committed to going and spent the money on a flight and accommodations that I will not be able to get back. Matt is aware¬†of my indecisiveness, but it not affected by it. His path is set and I can “tag along” if I want. Please tell me that I am not the only person who sees a problem with this mentality? This is the mentality I have been battling for past year. Before you start with the personal attacks with who’s fault it is, keep in mind you are not aware of the investments that were made. I am aware of the signs and deep down, want to believe to know what is best for me. But I have to make this mistake to find out.

This is not entirely a giant mistake though. This is a perfect opportunity for me to go there and find direction. Clear my mind, figure out what my next move is going to be to better my life. This is time I need to take care of myself and truly figure out, what does Jenn want? What will make her happy?

I will take all blinders off on this trip. Nothing to ¬†conflict my thoughts. I am leaving my heart behind so my mind can think freely. If there was one thing I always promised myself in life, it was that I would be successful and serve a purpose. I know I am more then capable of that then what I have been producing lately. I need to navigate my life better. I might be young, but times ticking and it’s easier to do things now then when you are in your 30s- 40s.

This trip will be a life and self discovery mission for me. I’ve wasted too much time focusing on other things in life. Other peoples happiness cannot be the reason I exist. I need to make myself happy first, and that’s exactly what I will do.

So as I leave behind my life here for a month, as I board that plane at 9 PM, I will start my life change.

– Jenna

How To Lose 10 Pounds in 5 Days

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I’m here to share with you my secret to losing 10 pounds in literally 5 days with 6 easy steps!

Step 1- Go on Vacation to the Caribbean (Cuba, Dominican etc.)

Step 2- Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously. Try and eat only 3 times a day with a few snacks in between. But when you do eat, especially at the buffet, try everything.

Step 3- Drink EVERYTHING. Even if you are warned not to consume water unless its bottled. Or to avoid drinks with high amounts of coconut milk because it might upset your stomach. Drink it anyways.

Step 4- Contract Travellers Diarrhea. You may be thinking at this point if not already, “What the fuck is wrong with this moron?!”… It’s okay, I promise you. You’ll thank me later.

Step 5- Spend 99.8% of your life for the next 5 days in the bathroom. To pass the time; create a source of entertainment for yourself. I can guarantee you it gets lonely in there. I like to bastardize songs like “wrecking ball” by Miley Cyrus.
Example- “It came out like a wrecking ball, I’ve never shit so hard before” etc.

Last but not least…

Step 6- Enjoy your new body. After spending 5 days spewing your guts out of your asshole, you deserve to be happy. Those skinny jeans you couldn’t get past your ass will slip right on.

Oh I almost forgot. Make sure after the 5 day plan, head over to your family doctor for a visit so he can prescribe you some serious fucking drugs. Chances are you have a bug or parasite that’s eating you inside out and you could possibly die.

Please use this diet plan at your own risk. I shall not be held accountable for any casualties. I am not a professional dietitian.