I’m here to share with you my secret to losing 10 pounds in literally 5 days with 6 easy steps!
Step 1- Go on Vacation to the Caribbean (Cuba, Dominican etc.)
Step 2- Eat EVERYTHING. Seriously. Try and eat only 3 times a day with a few snacks in between. But when you do eat, especially at the buffet, try everything.
Step 3- Drink EVERYTHING. Even if you are warned not to consume water unless its bottled. Or to avoid drinks with high amounts of coconut milk because it might upset your stomach. Drink it anyways.
Step 4- Contract Travellers Diarrhea. You may be thinking at this point if not already, “What the fuck is wrong with this moron?!”… It’s okay, I promise you. You’ll thank me later.
Step 5- Spend 99.8% of your life for the next 5 days in the bathroom. To pass the time; create a source of entertainment for yourself. I can guarantee you it gets lonely in there. I like to bastardize songs like “wrecking ball” by Miley Cyrus.
Example- “It came out like a wrecking ball, I’ve never shit so hard before” etc.
Last but not least…
Step 6- Enjoy your new body. After spending 5 days spewing your guts out of your asshole, you deserve to be happy. Those skinny jeans you couldn’t get past your ass will slip right on.
Oh I almost forgot. Make sure after the 5 day plan, head over to your family doctor for a visit so he can prescribe you some serious fucking drugs. Chances are you have a bug or parasite that’s eating you inside out and you could possibly die.
Please use this diet plan at your own risk. I shall not be held accountable for any casualties. I am not a professional dietitian.