The Confessions Of a Lost Soul

Hello to anyone who reads this. I wan’t to share with you a confession. Maybe you can relate to it and maybe you don’t. But it’s about life and life’s journey. How it is ugly and scary and not always what we try and paint it to be.

For those of you who have read my content before, it’s not real. It is, but it’s not. It’s not my voice. It’s an act. Maybe it’s funny to some and not to others. when you are trying to find your voice, your calling, your purpose.. it can sometimes be an act. I am not going to lie and sugarcoat anything I say. I am being real and maybe for the first time, being me. Take it or leave it since no one is forcing you to stay. To be completely honest, I am doing this for me, and maybe someone who can relate that feels the same. The star of the show to today is the feeling  of being” Lost“.

Who are we and what is our actual purpose? I thought I knew years ago, but seriously? I ain’t got a clue. I don’t just mean figuring yourself out like “who am I and how do I define myself?”. This is something we usually figure out in high school or maybe even our early years of adulthood. I would hope realizing who you are doesn’t take forever. It seems like the easiest thing to do. At least for me it was. I realized early on in life that I am the female who doesn’t wear make up, not because she can’t but because it makes her feel like shes hiding herself and her insecurities. But also because she doesn’t know how too and maybe would if she could apply eyeliner without stabbing out her eyeballs and potentially loosing eyesight. Who hates the way she looks most of the time but won’t do anything to change her appearance because, it feels wrong. I am someone who judges people who make physical alterations to their bodies or face because of insecurities.. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t because, it’s a self choice and if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy right? But, I also feel like God (if you believe in one .. or some higher creator) made you a certain way and its unique.. why are you changing that? That being said, here I am hating what I was given but doing absolutely nothing about it. Stupid right?  I wear comfy clothes and normally try to blend in then to stand out. Dressing up makes me nervous because it doesn’t feel like me and I usually get stressed out by it and decide to cancel plans. I am not proud of it but it is who I am. I am someone who enjoys low key surrounds and would be more comfortable and happy at a small local bar or pub then a booming night club. That being said, I love to dance and will force myself to enjoy a night out just to have an excuse to boogie. I am into males but can admit I admire the beauty of a woman. Anyways, moving along.. I am also the person who really really enjoys helping people, making a difference, making someone even for a short while..happy… Yet, cannot for the life of me figure out what makes me happy and what to do in life. Again, dumb.

I love traveling. I love nature. I love animals. I love long walks on the beach or in a forest, I love bodies of water, my favorite animal in the world is the common Loon. I love food. I love socializing. I love music. I love the thought of love. I love summer the most but sometimes winter because I love Christmas time. Something about the lights and the music, the colours… but not the cold.. I hate the cold. I am artsy and like to use my hands. I like to create things from scratch and believe that things that are made by hand mean more then any  store bought gift or money could buy.  I am genuine, I am extremely caring, super sensitive and emotional because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and usually get burnt because of it. I am super in-tuned with my self and the energy that surrounds me. I am a healer and I am super intuitive. I have instincts and intuition that I myself don’t know how to understand. But somehow, I just know…I just sense..I just feel. I am a super simple person who finds the joy in the littlest of things. I am easily amused and I love that about me. The list could go on for days! I love so much, and I am so much yet.. I feel like I have nothing going for me and that I am failing in life. Why?

This year I turn 30…It takes a lot for me to accept that. I have hated.. and I mean HATED my birthday since I turned 15. Every single year since December 15 2014, I dread it. In the morning, I feel emotional… no drive to get out of bed. I turn off all my social media to prevent people sending me wishes. I turn my phone on airplane mode to avoid text messages and phone calls. I never want to celebrate it. I hate the thought of getting older. Why does getting older scare me? Why does getting older scare a lot of people? I know I am not the only one who suffers from this issue. In today’s society, age means experience and experience means success and directions.. to which, I have none. At the age of 30, I thought I  would have had a house already, be settled in the place I want to live and build a family. When I say family, I mean a significant other and a pet. I am not interested in having kids and I’ll tell you why. I myself did not wish to be born in a world like this. If I am struggling to succeed, I would not bring another life into this world for selfish reasons to suffer as well. If I am being honest.. it is only going to get worse. Education = Nothing anymore. Just lines the pockets of institutions and the government. Skills =Nothing. It is all about who you know (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth). I’s all about making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Oh, and also providing and giving opportunities to people who weren’t born and raised in this country… But, I am not going to get into that.

But why is this an expectation we put on ourselves? Why do we assume just because we a certain age, we need to have out shit figure out. We need to know where we are going and what we are doing in life. When I started this blog years ago, I wanted to be a successful blogger. At the time, I was a heavy follower of the YouTube sensation and blogger Jenna Marbles. She was someone I admired because she was herself and didn’t give a shit. At the time, that spoke to me and I thought ” that’s me too”… I have always wanted to be a internet famous person, but when you lack confidence in your appearance.. that is the most difficult thing to do. If I hate the way I look, others will too. they will insult me and cut me down, and I don’t think I am strong enough to let the “hate” roll off my back. Again, being a sensitive and emotional person comes with downfalls.. You get hurt and offend easily. So, I stopped blogging and just gave up that dream all together years ago. I also loved gaming and thought maybe, if being pretty wasn’t an option to be liked on the internet, maybe gaming and streaming would be an option.. But have you seen the gamer girls out there? Wearing makeup, basically sitting half naked in-front of the camera because “sex sells”… I cannot compete with that. For once, not because I don’t think I “look” the part… But because it is not something I would do for popularity. I am not saying that people who don’t go that route still can’t be successful, I’m just saying I don’t want to try and fail.. or be ridiculed. Confidence is everything I guess and that is something I haven’t learnt yet.

For those of you that do not know what I have done for work all these years. I have been a Registered Massage Therapist since 2011. At first, I loved my job. I was helping people, I was interacting with people, I was “self employed” for the most part and, I was damn good at my job. I took pride in actually helping people versus making money. Money wasn’t the end goal for me. It was the feedback and the changes I saw in peoples health. It made me feel accomplished and proud of myself. In 2013 I obtained injuries because I did my job so well. I worked hard not smart… thus, burnt out quick. Slipped discs in my neck lead me to neurological problems and 2-3 visits to a Chiropractor a week on average. A subluxed clavicle on the right side caused me to loose almost all range of motion without causing me severe pain and weakness in my upper body. It limited me from doing many things I enjoyed. Yoga, Zumba, working out, my damn job… I was basically told at the age of 22 to find another career or do surgery that would completely limit me from all range of motion permanently on the right side. Obviously, I listened to to neither and continued working as an RMT. I tried to be smart about it, working part time and trying to find a different job on the side. At the time, I was blessed with a Massage Therapy teaching job back in 2015 and working as a receptionist at a sports clinic. I was working 3 jobs which eventually burnt me out causing me to have to quit everything and run away to British Columbia for a private healing retreat to align myself. The stress was killing me and I would suffer from 5-10 panic attacks a day. All my injuries caused me pain daily, still do.. That alone can cause a slew of stress and depression.

In 2017 I moved to Alberta. Why? It was cheaper to rent and easier to find a job that wasn’t massaging full time. Toronto became very difficult for me to grow. No one would consider hiring me because I was just a person who touches people. My resume meant nothing to anyone hiring. I applied to office jobs, spa front desk work, medical office admin, data entry… you name it.. I applied.. Not one call back for over 5 months. I was obviously still working part time as a RMT which was all I could handle. If I worked more then 3 days a week and treated more then 3-4 people a day, I was dead. I would be crying in pain for days.. nights were sleepless from the amount of pain surging through my neck and shoulders. I was starting to hate my job and regret my choice of even becoming a Massage Therapist. I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay rent let alone feed myself in Toronto. So, I moved here and got a job as a medical office assistant within 2 weeks. I was able to afford rent on my hourly wage on my own. Felt good at first, but that all started to die quickly. I almost immediately started to hate the weather here. The summers were unbearable because the city was always covered in smoke due to the forest fires out west. The winters are SO dry and SO cold and they last for 9 months out of the year. As mentioned, I am a outdoors person.. when you have to spend almost all your time indoors because it’s too cold or going outside might give you lung cancer, there is a problem! I cannot believe I can sit here and say I miss the weather in Ontario.. BUT I DO!..I also missed doing what I do best..helping people…so, I got my Massage Therapy license out here and do that 2 times a week at the same clinic I work at as a MOA. It’s like I can’t escape it.. or maybe it’s because it a comfort thing to me. All I know is, I cannot survive on it alone. Heck, I can only treat 2 people a day after my admin shift. Even then, I’m in pain after.

With all my my family and friends being in Ontario, I obviously feel alone. I made a friend or two but they have their own lives or circle of friends. People in Edmonton I find do not like to make new friends. Especially “outsiders”. I know this seems all over the place, and that’s because I am all over the place, physically and mentally. So bear with me.

It really started to hit me how lost and unsuccessful I felt when I went home for the holidays that just past. I turned 29 on December 15th 2018 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is it..there is nothing left to look forward too”. When I was 27, I hated it but thought.. “I still have 28 and 29 to go”. I did the same when I turned 28. I always made excuses as too why I had more time to figure my shit out. But now, now I feel like I am royally screwed. Time is up Jenn, you have made it to the age where you said you would be successful and you are SO FAR from it. 

At this point in my life, as I sit here and type, all I know is what I don’t want in life. I don’t want to be a receptionist for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a Massage Therapist anymore. I don’t wan’t to be a renter. I don’t want to go spend thousands of dollars of  hard earned money to go back to school for something that may or may not grantee me a job. Or get into a student loan and be in debt for years for the same reason listed above. I don’t want to be a prisoner in a place where I am just lining the pockets of someone else. I don’t want to move back home and live with my parents because to be completely honest, I would rater kill myself then do that. Honestly, the list of things I  DON’T want to do are never ending! But the list of things I want to do is blank! I don’t know what I would even want to take in school if that was something I would entertain. I feel at this point in my life that literally nothing interests me. I only have wants and dreams but no action plan to achieve them.

I want to live in Northern Ontario, have a cottage like house on with lakefront property, with a deck so I can drink my coffee outside  in the mornings, and possibly listen to the sound of Loons calling. In the winters, I want to take off to somewhere hot by an ocean. I want to have a successful business that includes one or if not all of my passions: working with people, working outdoors, working with animals, managing a business that I can leave when I want to travel, working with my hands, being helpful, artsy, unique, and most importantly, being myself! That’s honestly all I got…That is all I can think of that truly makes me happy and makes me want to live another day. the thought of possibly having those things make me want to explode with happiness and say “You’ve done it Jenn, you’ve finally succeeded”… But how do I get there? How do I get there without being miserable? Without setting myself backwards? Without failing? I know failure can equal to greatness.. But how is that guaranteed? It’s not! The fear of the unknown, the fear of failing, the fear of wasting money, time with no certainty of anything… and precious freaking time that you can NEVER get back.. What do you do?

I am lost. I am scared. I am at a point in my life where nothing makes sense.. nothing seems fair. I have worked SO hard in life and with nothing to show for. I literally had nothing. Everything I have or had, any place I’ve gone, anything I own.. I gave myself. I worked for it. I did it. Me. So what happened? Why can’t I move forward anymore? Was that all I was meant to be? A broken Massage Therapist? Am I a coward to say I’ve thought about ending it all?.. I mean, I’m broken, I suffer in pain all the time. I don’t think there has been a day since 2013 where I wasn’t in pain. I am not a pill popper and to be honest, do not take ANY meds for pain. I literally take baths, stretch, meditate, go for massages and Chiro..Nothing seems to help though. I was recently diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease) of my cervical spine which seems to be the culprit for the majority of my symptoms. Guess what? There is no cure. I just have to “cope”. I feel like I have zero direction, barely any friends that genuinely care about me unless it suits them or they gain something, and family.. well.. that’s a whole other story.

This post is not a “pity me” post. This is a somewhere that I feel safe enough to expose the real me. Perhaps reach other people who feel like me or felt like me. What did they do to get on track, to better their life, to fulfill their goals?

If there is one thing I do know, I know that I am a loving, caring, passionate, forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, selfless, trustworthy, faithful, committed, hardworking, and usually driven person who has lost her way. I know there is more to me and for me out there… I just don’t know what and when I will finally know. In the meantime, I am trying to hold faith that there is more, that this isn’t the end. Staying positive in the world we live in today is not easy.. I’m holding on… and I hope you are too.

If you’ve gotten to this point, congratulations, you’ve won nothing.. nothing but my sincere gratitude.

This is the real me saying goodbye.

Love, Jenna

*PS, sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes.. I wrote this at hyper speed and truly do not care to edit at this current time.

 

 

 

 

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14 Day Smoothie Detox- Day 14 (Last Day) & Review

  

Berry Good smoothie (Breakfast/lunch)

  • 2 cups of strawberries
  • 1 cup of rice milk
  • 1 cup blueberries and raspberries
  • 1/2 cup probiotic yogurt
  • Scoop of protien powder 
  • 1 Tbs of hemp seeds

Verdict – very berry indeed . It kept me full all day which was good. An okay last day breakfast smoothie.

  

Liver cleanser smoothie (Dinner)

  • 1/4 cup of parsley
  • 2 handfuls of kale
  • 1/2 cucumber
  • 1 small beet
  • 1 apple
  • 1 lemon
  • 1 chunk of ginger 
  • 1/3 cup water 

Verdict – do you know what after vomit tastes like? You know, the after taste AFTER you vomit. That is the EXACT comparison of this smoothie. It was THE most disgusting thing I’ve had to date. This was the worst way to end off a 14 day smoothie detox. If you are reading this… DONT DO IT!

With that being said, here’s my review on the 14 day smoothie detox.

14 Day Detox Review 

I feel amazing. Energetically aligned! I’ve lost weight. I went from being 126-127 to 122 lbs. But of course, not where I wanted to lose it..I was feeling myself up in bed last night and noticed I lost a percentage of my boobies. I could feel my ribs through the sides of them. Best comparison, starving cows on the roads of India. BOOM! Also noticed I broke out in red bumps on my body, this is from the detoxing. 

Still, I have no bloating at all, I have been consistent and regular with my bowel movements which is a perk from being constipated almost on a weekly basis. I never feel heavy and also sleep a lot better! 

I will contuine to have the smoothies for beakfast since this is a perfect way to start off the day and get all your vitamins and minerals. Not only that, but with summer coming around, it’s a cool and refreshing way not to feel full and heavy in the mornings! Maybe the odd dinner here and there when I don’t feel like cooking. But I loved this and am actually sad it’s over. I will probably do a week detox here and there since it really helped me a lot. I’ve also committed to having a very little to even none gluten free diet. Let’s see how long this lasts…. I do love my beer…and cannolis, and cookies…. Ugh!! 

I haven’t actually made/created my OWN smoothie recipes. I’ve gotten them all from the internet. Mainly from a site/app called yummly.com. Other recipes from this youtuber named The Domestic Geek, and this other site called Healthy food home – Fat burning smoothies that actually work. I linked all the sites and youtube links. So enjoy. 

Also, a big thank you to all the people who have helped and encouraged me through this detox. To my new and old followers who have stayed tune, and to the people in my life currently who rooted me on! 

I love you all and thank you so very much! XoX

Jenna OUT ….for a hamburger 😉 kidding. 

October?

Uh…Where the hell did October go? I swear a week ago it was September and we are already in the second last week! Did I slip into a comma of some sort? Being older blows! Time flies way too fast with age.

Anyway, October is one of my favourite months! The gorgeous colours, the comfortable crisp weather, all the festivals and shows that come to Toronto, and of course Halloween!

This month has been pretty eventful I must say. Maybe that’s why it ended so fast.

I went apple picking the day after Thanksgiving. I made apple sauce for DAYS! Did you know you can cause yourself serious constipation with the over consumption of apple sauce? No wonder babies get so easily backed-up ! They are fed way too much apple piss.

Just yesterday I had the luxury of attending Buffer Festival thanks to my best friend Melissa, and seeing one of my many favourite YouTubers! I was so nervous and excited that after the meet and greet… My legs were so shaky I fell down the stairs exiting the stage. Of course leave it to me to make a complete ass out of myself. Moments before I even got on stage, I had a hard laugh at another female who had fallen down the exact stairs in utter shock from meeting her idol. Karma?

November is just around the corner which means it’s time to break out the festive decor!! I can let the Christmas whore out for the next 2 months 😉
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

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November is also the time of the year you stop wasting money on razors and waxing !

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Okay I’m just kidding, that is beyond repulsive. At least keep Jumanji in your underwear.

&& Photo Booth

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Wrecking Ball

I never really liked Miley Cyrus. Come to think of it, I still don’t. Meh can’t please them all right? Although lately with her abnormal behaviour, I’ve grown to dislike her more. But this song, for some reason, I keep pressing repeat! Why Miley! Why have you made such a song that does this to me! I think I relate to this song way too much, which is fucking scary. I felt less bad about being related emotionally to this song until I decided to look up the video. Swinging naked and performing oral sex to a wrecking ball is NOT something I can associate with myself or this song at all. Oh Miley, You Wre-e-ecked me.